School department bans 'father-daughter' and 'mother-son' dances

[vttkdmom]

My daughter lost her dad when she was 6, she was also active in the Girl Scouts (I was her leader). They traditionally had a "Daddy/Daughter" Dance each year, they actually renamed it that year to the "Sweethearts" Dance. DD's grandfather traveled the 6 hours to take her to the one the year her dad died, the following year her dad's best friend was able to take her. She looked forward to this dance every year. The third year neither her grandfather or her dad's friend was able to take her and we have no other family in this state. I called and asked if I could bring her so she could attend and was told that it MUST be a male adult accompanying her to the dance. I was so MAD! The Girls Scouts seem to be "all inclusive" except for some reason for this dance. They don't exclude kids for any reason, and leaders of either sex or sexual orientation are fine; however for some reason the only adults at this dance have to be male!

Needless to say, we bowed out of Scouts shortly after, altho my DD did end up going to the dance that year with a friend and her dad. Still makes me angry 10 years later..

 

[leight]

Our elementary schools still have grandparents breakfasts, mom tea in may and then there is a donuts for dads in june. My kids were generally only able to go to these if it was on a day off - both dh & I work as does my mom. My girls never told me that it bothered them that they missed out- I generally would just take them to McD's for a special breakfast, have a baking session with them or have them spend the following saturday with my mom if they wanted to. I do think that Family Dances are a good compromise- although I could never imagine our schools asking a mom to leave if she attended the father-daughter dance with her daughter. But we are near a major Air Force base and many military families move around in our neighborhood-so deployments are common.

As for the yearbooks- I am still shocked that the schools see it as a major fund raiser. They offer them EVERY SINGLE YEAR and it ranges from $40-$80(senior book). I refuse to pay for a yearbook every year- have bought the yearbook for the kids each year that they move on from a school- so 5th grade,8th, 12th will be next.

Last year my 9th grader and her bffs had a blast getting together and taking pics at different events and putting together their own individualized 'yearbooks' and they had teachers sign them as well as other friends. I applauded their creativity and it was a great way to spend time together as well as memoralize their 9th grade friendships and memories.

I think in todays world we spend so much time making things smooth and easy on our kids that they lose out on the learning experiences that some disappointments render. But then, I'm one of the people who also would prefer to shave $5 off sports fees to forgo the cheesy medals/trophies for 'participation'.

 

[Colleen27]

I can see both sides of it.

My older daughter loved the daddy-daughter dances at her elem and is a little sad that younger DD won't get that experience because the private school they attend now doesn't do them. But I also know it isn't easy on kids who don't have a father around. My grandfather used to attend daddy-daughter events with me when I was a kid but it was still painful to be the one who didn't have her "real" daddy there. Perhaps that would be different now that it is a more common situation - where I grew up divorce was common but not deadbeat/absent fathers.

I don't think there is any benefit to making some kids fell uncomfortable/hurt/left out for the sake of tradition. Kids like my DD who enjoy these events would enjoy them just as much with a different name, while something more inclusive would not single out the kids who don't have a father/mother/grandparent available to participate. At my girls' (private, Catholic, non-PC) private school they celebrate "VIP day" in place of grandparents' day and the kids all love it. Why should parent-child dances be any different?

 

[newt2]

This seems pretty silly.

My DD's school has them every year and the children without Dads usually show up with an uncle or grandpa instead.

These things are fun and good fundraisers. I'd be disappointed to see them ban it as a sacrifice to the altar of political correctness.

 

[Colleen27]

I agree!

Sometimes everyone can't be included in everything. Thats life.

Our community has a "princess ball". Its a father/daughter dance the first weekend in February every year.

DD loves going and spending time with her daddy and running around and dancing with her friends. A couple years ago, DH was called out of town and DD couldn't go. Yep she cried. Especially when she knew all her friends would be there. My mom's BF offered to take her as well as some of the neighbor dads but DD didn't want to go without her dad.

She was disappointed but survived without any scarring effects.

That's apples to oranges, though. A girl whose dad is out of town on business or gets called into work should be able to deal with the disappointment; that's a minor everyday thing that is bound to arise from time to time in life. It is a very different situation when the girl is already trying to deal with her father being absent from her life, whether because of death or abandonment. Your daughter got over it easily because her dad came home and made it to the next big thing in her life. It isn't so simple for the girl who won't ever see her dad again.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Maybe the mother had the experience we did which was that her daughter was mocked and excluded for being different. We too had grandparent's days. Problem for my daughter was that we live 1500 miles from family and by the time she was 5.5, 3 of her 4 grandparents were dead anyway. So there was no one to come for grandparent day and we were not allowed to come in their stead. My dd was mocked and ridiculed by the other kids and the grandparents who came all asked her where her grandparents were, bringing up yet again that they were dead. The first year, she ended up sitting alone at what the kids called the "reject" table for lunch. The following years I kept her home. So yeah, we "made it work" by self-exclusion. But yeah, I'm soooo glad the other kids -- who mocked my dd -- had such a great day!

I'm not buying this story. Teachers on the whole are very caring nurturing folks and would not allow something like this to happen to a child.

In my school that had a Grandparents' Day and was a large school, even grandparents who came didn't spend the whole time with one child as they might be moving between classes to accomodate their other grandchildren. We also accomodated those children who didn't have a grandparent that could attend by substituting parents, aunts, uncles, etc., of some of our teachers and and in some cases even asked a few grandparents if they would mind 'adopting' another grandchild for the day. No child was left unrepresented. I don't think we were doing anything unique. This seemed to be the standard for any school having a Grandparents' Day.

Today, teachers are accused of many things, but unfeeling is not one that rings true of the majority. I can't imagine a school where children were placed at a 'reject' table and allowed to be 'mocked' by other children. Certainly, that type of behavior by educators would and should have been reported to the appropriate authorities - school board, etc. - regarding disciplinary action for those involved.

 

[ccgirl]

To elaborate, the event was called, "Me and my Guy" as the PTO realized not all girls had a "traditional" "father". The PTO also said mothers could come as well. Way back when I was a little girl, I did not have a father for the Father/Daughter dance and just brought a family friend or another family member. I didn't think anything of it.

This same school district has now banned the Mother/Son baseball game.

Sometimes, I think people just look for things to "fight" over.

 

[ccgirl]

I am so glad my kids attend private school where this PC stuff is not happening some days.

We had Father/Daugther dances, Mother/Son Breakfasts when I was growing up, an my kids schools have them as well as Grandparents Day. A VIP is always allowed if a child does not have one of the above.

My dad had a massive heart attack and bypass surgery right before my HS Father/Daughter Dance. He almost didnt go, in fact he was in bed when my BFF's dad showed up told him to get his suit on and he would take us both over and we could dance one dance and he would drive us home but I wasnt not missing this dance. Well dad was able to hang out the whole night. I got to dance with my dad. I will ALWAYS treasure that moment! It would be the ONLY time that ever happened bc he died the year after I graduated college. So I never got that Father/Daughter dance at my wedding....should we ban those as well bc I never got one and I felt left out everytime I went to a wedding...ummm no!


Life is not fair. My younger brothers dealt with MANY Father/Son things , either my mom went or my DH, who was then their BIL, took them, they also dealt with GP days bc by then both sets were gone.

Allow kids to bring a VIP but dont BAN the things, for many people it is a very special moment!

Best post yet.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I didn't have any father/daughter mother/son specific activities either when I grew up or in my children's school.

 

[marcyinPA]

I think people need to stop getting so offended and just make it work if they can. If your daughter doesn't have a father, let her invite a father figure (uncle, grandpa, etc.) and vice versa.

My preschool has Father's Night for 4 year olds. When my DS was 4, my husband worked nights and could not get off from work. My mom went with my DS instead, and they had a great time. You make it work, but you don't run around demanding that these things be eliminated because they don't apply to you. Society has become so self-centered!!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

That's apples to oranges, though. A girl whose dad is out of town on business or gets called into work should be able to deal with the disappointment; that's a minor everyday thing that is bound to arise from time to time in life. It is a very different situation when the girl is already trying to deal with her father being absent from her life, whether because of death or abandonment. Your daughter got over it easily because her dad came home and made it to the next big thing in her life. It isn't so simple for the girl who won't ever see her dad again.

Life is full of disappointments. Thats how it is.

May be apples to oranges for my daughter yes thats true.

I grew up without a dad. I was born when my mom was young. My mom kept me but my dad was never part of my life. So throughout my life there were father/daughter things I didn't do. I think thats why I like my husband to do as much stuff with DD as possible.

My mom didn't make a big deal out of it because I couldn't go and ruin it for everyone else who had a dad. I learned early, life is not full of puppy dogs and roses, there's alot of diappointment mixed in there too.
Yes we try and shield our kids but sometimes "real life" has to shine through.

 

[TanyaS]

In my area, the Girl Scouts hold a "Princess and FROGG ball" where the FROGG stands for Father, Relative or Other Guy/Gal. I thought it was a cute, if slightly wordy, way to make sure every girl could attend the dance with a special person.

 

[ccgirl]

In my area, the Girl Scouts hold a "Princess and FROGG ball" where the FROGG stands for Father, Relative or Other Guy/Gal. I thought it was a cute, if slightly wordy, way to make sure every girl could attend the dance with a special person.

But not all girls want to be a "Princess" then you are excluding the girls that don't want to be a princess. While it is not the way I feel, personally, I am trying to make a point that I feel this political correctness has really run amuck. We're all different. It's time we teach our children it's okay to be different and to embrace it and to embrace others as well. We don't all win, we don't all get a trophy, not everything is all flowers, rainbows and butterflies all the time. I feel we are raising children who are so disillusioned when things don't work out their way they don't know how to behave as adults.

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

around here, the schools don't hold these - the town rec dept (and a non-profit in one area) does, so that is always an option. The "date" doesn't have to be just the father....and it isn't tied to school so it isn't as easy for any one to feel left out.

voted "other" - both choices are too extreme and do not reflect how I feel.

 

[marcyinPA]

But not all girls want to be a "Princess" then you are excluding the girls that don't want to be a princess. While it is not the way I feel, personally, I am trying to make a point that I feel this political correctness has really run amuck. We're all different. It's time we teach our children it's okay to be different and to embrace it and to embrace others as well. We don't all win, we don't all get a trophy, not everything is all flowers, rainbows and butterflies all the time. I feel we are raising children who are so disillusioned when things don't work out their way they don't know how to behave as adults.

Absolutely, 110% agree with this!!

 

[TeresaNJ]

Oh you mean The mother father aunt uncle grandmother grandfather sister brother cousin niece nephew family friend complete stranger dance. Our school pretty much covers everyone just in case.
It is such a special event, they didn't want any girl or boy to look back and not have such great memories of the MFAUGGSBCNNFFCS dance.

 

[abdmom]

The schools around here do not hold such events.

When I used to live in Minnesota, there was grandparents' day. My children's closest grandparent lived 1000 miles away and never visited. The next closest lived 10000 miles away and never visited. The school said - Oh, just get an aunt or uncle or family friend. The aunts and uncles did not live any closer. Family friends promised to be there after dh died, but rarely followed through on any promises. These events just served to remind the kids and me how alone we were.

 

[krcit]

This is a sensitive subject for me since my best friend died in April leaving 4 sons. I think renaming the dance to something like a 'special person dance' or something is an easy solution. I don't get all the posters saying kids need to get used to disappointment, life isn't fair etc. Guess what? My friends kids know all that already because their mother died. So, it was so kind of the 2cnd graders teacher to not do a Mother's Day craft with her class so as not to hurt a sweet 8 year old whose mom had died the month before and I would hope the school would change the name of a dance so as not to cause unneccesary pain to already hurting children. Comparing something like not being able to afford a yearbook to a parents death isn't even apples to oranges, it's apples to sneakers.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

This thread got me thinking. Do kids still make things in school for their moms on Mothers Day? We did that every year when I was a kid, but my DD is only 2, so I don't know what the schools do.

 

[marcyinPA]

This thread got me thinking. Do kids still make things in school for their moms on Mothers Day? We did that every year when I was a kid, but my DD is only 2, so I don't know what the schools do.

We do in my 2 year old preschool class. Last year, we had a little boy who never knew his mom. She didn't die, but she was never a part of his life. He is raised by dad, and they live with grandma and grandpa. When we made our Mother's Day handprint projects, I told explained to the children that they were making a present for mommy or grandma. He was fine with that. There are plenty of instances that a teacher uses the words Mom and Dad- or Mom- or Dad- and we can't just NOT use them. It's a hard reality of life that some homes don't have a mom AND dad. BUT, most that I have encountered DO- so that's how I operate. If I know of a specific situation, like the little boy last year, I will tailor what I say to include that child.

It's funny, because at the end of our morning, I will tell them that the mommies will be coming to pick them up soon. We don't always have mommies pick up though- sometimes it is grandparents, or the nanny, or a dad. So then I started saying " mommies, daddies, grandmas- or whoever is picking you up". Well, that became a mouthful, and for two year olds, I lost their attention after the word "mommies". I try not to be so PC that I get all uptight over it. I think people just are way too uptight over this type of thing!