Say something or let it go?

[cobright]

2. Calculate the cost to buy the Leg set again and hire a maid service to clean up their mess and send them a bill. You will likely never see a penny, and they may never speak to you again, but they will at least know what they did and how upset you are--and it gives you a great fallback if they are ever so gutsy as to ask to stay at your place again.

What I have found is that if you let the other person come up with a number on how much the damage is worth, their estimate is usually higher than yours. But as soon as you 'send a bill' they will turn into lawyers and accountants.

Show them the damage and invite the other person to work with you on a remedy. Give the other party a way to save face and do the right thing. Soft negotiations are almost always more productive.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I would definitely be emailing them and asking them to replace the damaged/broken items--the lego set ($200 plus tax) and the vinylmations from your son's room. I would also mention that you were surprised at the mess that they left behind and how much time it took you to clean up. What is the worse that could happen? They don't stay with you again? You probably won't see the money, but they need to know the damage that they did. Or let dh be the one to deal with this, unless you don't want to bother him while he is gone.

Next, talk with your dh and let him know that due to the destruction that bil and family caused, the fact that they did not follow his instructions on where to sleep, and the mess that they left behind, that bil and family are never welcome to sleep in your house again, no matter what the circumstances. Let him know that he needs to confer with you before inviting anyone to stay with you or in your house.

 

[dakcp2001]

Oh you bet I'd say something! Why do you care if you offend them? WHat is your hesitation or why would you NOt say something? They obviously didn't care about offending you or upsetting you! Don't make them or let them be the victim here. I'd be ripping them a new one and they would not be staying in my house again. Also, whomever gave them permission (sounds like your husband) would be having a conversation as well. They are not welcome back. They should be told why. WHo stays at someone else's home and does not pick up or take care? A jerk. A jerk you don't want back. Make it clear.

 

[carra]

I would let it go.

 

[beaucoup]

I would be upset with DH for saying they would stay considering the rest of the family has already had similar experiences with them.

And at what point did you know they were coming or already there? If beforehand, and you didn't stop them, then you can be mad at yourself too.

Tossing legos around kids room. I wouldn't consider that trashed.
Breaking $200 glued together lego set, I would bill them for the damage...if you even decide to bring it up.

Tossed out pillows? That's only because you can't stand the thought. Nothing wrong with someone using pillows. Pillows are washable incase you didn't know. Do you ever travel? They don't wash mattresses you know.

Do you sit on airplane seats? Your head touches the back of the seat where other people's heads have touched. Same with Disney park rides.

Not sure what to tell you. I would be mad too, but at DH, myself & them.

 

[Acklander]

If there's a confrontation or an email it should come from dh - not you. It's his family.
If you don't want to bother DH with home stuff while he's away, then just let him know that you don't want house guests while he's gone, so he will know not to give out random invites.
It won't change anything By sending an email to the offenders - all it will do is put them on the defense. And as the outsider (not family) you will come off as the bad guy.
I would just consider it a lesson learned and move forward.

 

[PizzieDuster]

Ew. I would hate it for someone else to sleep in our bed. You just know they are looking in drawers and closets

I always tell anyone who stays in our guest room, don't make the bed, I'll be washing the sheets anyway. Many get the hint and fold the sheets and leave them on the bed.

I'd write the email and get it all out save it in draft (sleep on it), or delete it. I feel so much better writing an email then --- delete!

 

[sunshinehighway]

Its your husbands fault for letting them stay. I think you should let him know and he can deal with it. His permission, his family, his problem.

Anyone else wondering what lego set it was? Can you tell I have a kid that's really into Lego?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks all for the support!!

i didn't know about it until after the fact. I got home and texted cousin and asked what happened (He had left on Sunday night and we got home Tuesday) He told me what had happened, and i texted DH for clarification because the #1 rule we put forth to the cousin was NO VISITORS, especially BIL! Thats is when DH texted back that he had given them the OK. And hadn't told cousin.

i haven't asked DH about, because we have only spoken twice in the past week, for about 10 minutes each. And i am of the mindset that i handle the home while he is gone, he has enough to worry about over there.

I understand the hotel comparison, but it just feels different to have your personal space violated. Plus i don't stay at anything less than a Holiday Inn and Suites... i don't like my hotel rooms to look like someone has already been there.

The only person's hind end that should be fried is your dh.

The fact that YOU think that YOU should handle the problem that YOUR DH created for YOU is mind altering to me.

So since you do not want to involve your dh, I would let it go.

ETA.....

Never put anything negative in writing. That is just my motto of life. It always comes back to haunt you.

And frankly if your DH has "enough to worry about" over there, starting WW3 with HIS family is not going to help the situation or solve a darn thing.

If you want to vent, do it verbally. Pick up the phone and speak with them.

Adding more...

You could always buy a new Lego set & a new mattress. That might get rid of some of the sting.

LOL!

 

[Nancyg56]

i haven't asked DH about, because we have only spoken twice in the past week, for about 10 minutes each. And i am of the mindset that i handle the home while he is gone, he has enough to worry about over there.

I understand the hotel comparison, but it just feels different to have your personal space violated. Plus i don't stay at anything less than a Holiday Inn and Suites... i don't like my hotel rooms to look like someone has already been there.

Your DH had the opportunity to tell his brother that you handle home while he is away and he chose not to do that. In my opinion, that negates the "contract" that you have in your mind.

Its your husbands fault for letting them stay. I think you should let him know and he can deal with it. His permission, his family, his problem.

I agree.

You have a choice. You can place the blame for the intrusion on your DH and let him handle it, or you can start WWIII by confronting your IL's. I am not letting the sobs off of the hook, but your Dh knew how you felt and how they behaved, yet he gave permission anyway. And he gave you or the cousin no warning. Bet that was becasue he knew you would call and tell BIL to get a motel. I cannot tell you what to think, but I think I would be more angry that my DH blindsided me this way than I would be with the IL's. And my DH would feel safer wherever he is than he would if he was within my reach. Talk about disrespect!

 

[anniemae]

Well that would be the last time they stayed with us if that happened to me! Honestly, I would have it out with DH. I would probably not say anything to the offending family members, but they would never be staying with us again.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Thanks all for the support!!

i didn't know about it until after the fact. I got home and texted cousin and asked what happened (He had left on Sunday night and we got home Tuesday) He told me what had happened, and i texted DH for clarification because the #1 rule we put forth to the cousin was NO VISITORS, especially BIL! Thats is when DH texted back that he had given them the OK. And hadn't told cousin.

i haven't asked DH about, because we have only spoken twice in the past week, for about 10 minutes each. And i am of the mindset that i handle the home while he is gone, he has enough to worry about over there.

I understand the hotel comparison, but it just feels different to have your personal space violated. Plus i don't stay at anything less than a Holiday Inn and Suites... i don't like my hotel rooms to look like someone has already been there.

Whether you don't think your husband is involved or not, he is automatically involved. You are his wife and this is his brother and he got everyone in this situation by saying yes. He is up to his chin in the problem.

What do you want from writing the email? Do you want money back or just to air your grievance with BIL's family? Are you prepared to deal with BIL's family AND have the discussion with your husband. Obviously the BIL is going to talk with your husband about all this even if just email.

Instead of waiting for your husband to call, why not draft out an email for him and discuss why you are unhappy and what your end goal is with an email to sent to the BIL. It will give your husband a bit of time to get this thoughts straight and email or call with a response in mind.

Last, do you know know know for 100% sure that the cousin housesitting didn't cause some of the destruction? He could have easily caused some of the mess or more depending if he did something while you were away.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I'd be saying something. I don't tolerate that nonsense. I have no problem with confrontation and/or tearing someone a new A hole.

DH deserves a kick in the scrotum for saying yes.

I'd probably drive all night to BIL's house and beat him to a pulp - and I haven't thrown a punch in 25 years. But, WOW talk about out of line. Some folks just need a good beating.

I would definitely confront him. What they did was completely rude and disrespectful. Someone needs to tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable!

What I WOULD NOT do is cc the rest of the family on the email. Thats beyond low and childish in my opinion.

 

[HM]

I can't get over the fact that your DH told someone they could stay in your house, but didn't talk to you about it first, and also didn't tell the other person (cousin) staying there about it. That poor cousin.....he had no idea if those others were telling him the truth or not and he was put in a very bad position. I actually feel the worst for him in this situation.

 

[Nancyg56]

I can't get over the fact that your DH told someone they could stay in your house, but didn't talk to you about it first, and also didn't tell the other person (cousin) staying there about it. That poor cousin.....he had no idea if those others were telling him the truth or not and he was put in a very bad position. I actually feel the worst for him in this situation.

I agree. I think that the anger is here is misplaced. I know that I would be furious, but it would be with DH. There was nothing new in the IL's behavior, so that is wasted energy IMO. The poor cousin was between a rock and a hard place. I wonder if the cousin had called the OP before he let this family stay, if the Op would have told the IL's "NO" after Dh had given permission. Bad situation for the poor house sitter, all in all.

 

[Pigeon]

Your problem is with your husband, not his relatives. The guy housesitting was caught in the middle. The other relatives were given permission to stay.

If these people have a history of trashing the places they stay, your husband shouldn't have given permission, at least not without checking with you first.

You say your agreement is that you take care of the home while he is gone. That should include deciding who stays in the home.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to tell your husband that they aren't welcome to stay again, period. When they ask next time, just tell them it isn't possible. Don't give an excuse, just repeat that over and over if you have to.

But at this point, pitching a hissy fit about the damages isn't going to do anything but create hard feelings and honestly make you look bad. If you "had" to buy new pillows, for example, that's just airing your particular illogical phobia. Most people wouldn't react that way and you'd look silly. Kids break stuff. The lego thing would make me mad, and it annoys me when parents don't watch what their kids are doing. But sending them a bill for stuff their kids broke isn't going to reflect well on you.

 

[Shmily1]

First, I would have taken pictures before cleaning it up. This would be proof to all, including your DH, what the beasts were up to in your house.

Secondly, I would write the BIL a note and either email it with confirmation or mail it with signature confirmation and be sure I had a copy of it. Also, putting in the letter that when your DH is away, he is not to be contacted about such nonsense as staying in your house because he has more important things to do.

Third, when DH got home and settled, I would explain it all to him showing him the pictures and the letter. I'm sure he will more understand the situation after seeing the pictures.

Good luck

 

[Bob NC]

Are you absolutely sure cousin, or maybe anyone else he invited to the house, had nothing to do with the mess?

I probably wouldn't say anything unless I thought I could accomplish something by doing so.

I would guess saying something to them would do you no good.

I'd let it go and realize these people will never get any favor of any kind from you again.

If they ever asked for anything again I would just say no and mention that last time you did them a favor it didn't work out very well for you.