SAHM Vent

[Minnesota!]

Since this seems to be directed at me, I'll answer. None of these parents are my friends. Friendly, yes ~ friends, no.

Just curious how you'd handle it if you had a DD in VB like I do? They had open gyms twice a week all summer, in the middle of the day. The last two weeks, they've had VB practice in the middle of the day that lasts for 2 hours (today it is from 10:15-12:15, tomorrow 2-4pm). Missing practice for unexcused reasons means you sit the bench. If you want to play, you show up for practice, which I completely agree with as a parent.

We do the same thing I did growing up - tell the kid when the practice is and have him bike or walk. DH and I are both able to flex time to take him, if need be, but he is 10 - fully capable of riding his bike or walking if he chooses.
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How many jobs really allow that? One day off every 2 or 3 weeks? Honest question, no snark. I've never had a job with that kind of flexibility or vacation time. Even if I'd been able to get away with taking time off like that, it would have consumed my vacation time for the year leaving no time for actual vacationing.

My job would allow this - very flexible environment. As long as we make it up (evening, weekend, come in early), or use our paid time towards it, we can pretty much have off whatever we want.

Common sense dictates that if SAHMs have it so hard and it is such a rigorous job, then Working Moms have it harder.....they have to do ALL of that AND have a full time job. Truth.

I have to agree.

I attempted to be a SAHM when I was on maternity leave...and I hated it. I am a person who needs to be out of the house, around adults. I am a better mom for it, my family works better, and my salary provides the needs I feel are essential FOR MY KIDS....Catholic education, travel, money for traveling sports, clubs, etc. If we had only one salary, none of that would be possible and I think, FOR MY FAMILY, that is a bigger thing to miss out on than having mom (or dad...he was a SAHD for a while, too), home.

Out of my entire circle of friends...which is a decent size....I have only one SAHM friend, and she is only out of work b/c of medical issues. It is just not a common thing. In my older son's class, I cannot honestly think of one kid who has a SAH-parent. We must be around a bunch of like minded people,

Whatever works for your family.

 

[JanaDee]

We do the same thing I did growing up - tell the kid when the practice is and have him bike or walk. DH and I are both able to flex time to take him, if need be, but he is 10 - fully capable of riding his bike or walking if he chooses.

That's great, but not an option here. We live 6 miles from school and the only way to get there is a rural, very busy state highway. Walking or riding a bike to school is not an option.

 

[Stephaniesue]

Who leaves their children with strangers while they go to work? Why does this word "strangers" keep coming up?

Because as a working mother I can't possibly care about my child enough to research their child care provider properly .

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

I was a SAHM for 8 years, until my youngest child was in school full time. After that, I worked part-time so I still was there to drop them off at school and pick them up. If I hadn't told them that I had a job, they probably wouldn't have even noticed because I was still around every hour they weren't in school. Eventually I went to work full time, and they went to after-care at school. They are now in high school so they drive themselves to and from school--no more after care.

To be brutally honest, my years as a SAHM sucked the life right out of me. I personally felt like I was the person doing all the drudge work so that my husband and kids could have interesting lives. I couldn't stand it! And my husband was and is very helpful around the house and with the kids, so it's not like literally EVERYTHING fell to me, but I still felt like I didn't have a "life". Days of dishes, laundry, etc. etc.--UGH!!!

Yes, as a working mom I still have to do the same "drudge" chores I did when I was home, but now they feel like "part" of my life instead of my ENTIRE life!! My house is a mess, but you know what, it was a mess when I was home, too! I just don't have that gene for organizing/cleaning/whatever!

Really, every person is different and we make the best choices for our families. Not everyone can stay home for years on end and be happy. Those that can are lucky, because I do feel that a home with a happy SAH parent or spouse probably is more "calm" than a home where everyone works. But the "happy" part is KEY! If the person staying home isn't happy to do it, it's not good for anyone!

 

[U2_rocks!]

From a biological point of view a mom is very special. But from a practical point of view, a child can bond with anyone - just look at adoption! Mentors come in all forms. One of the arguments I hear from SAHPs is that they didn't want anyone else doing their job for them - I understand this point of view if they truly want that job for themselves. The argument I don't understand is the one that no-one else could do the job like they can because they are THE PARENTS. If a baby gets used to having people other than his/her parents caring for him/her on occasion, it becomes normal for the baby. Sure the parents are still going to be the most special people in the baby's life, but the baby can still bond in many ways with other caring people. There are also things that other people can teach that baby/child that the parents don't think of, or personality traits of the other people that the baby/child can benefit from. I remember my kids' nanny being much more of a playful personality than I will ever be. And my mother loves to play certain games and do certain activities with my kids that I am not all that interested in. The baby/child gets a broadened perspective in many cases.

I honestly have never felt that I was the only person capable of looking after my kids properly, even when they were tiny. In fact, when they were tiny I almost trusted my mom and nanny more because they had way more experience than I did! I took a lot of advice from them. No way would I have wanted to be at home trying to learn how to look after each stage of a baby/toddler's life all by myself! I just have never understood this need to be the only person in a child's life until they go off to school.

 

[U2_rocks!]

To be brutally honest, my years as a SAHM sucked the life right out of me. I personally felt like I was the person doing all the drudge work so that my husband and kids could have interesting lives. I couldn't stand it! And my husband was and is very helpful around the house and with the kids, so it's not like literally EVERYTHING fell to me, but I still felt like I didn't have a "life". Days of dishes, laundry, etc. etc.--UGH!!!

I'm pretty sure that's how I would feel as a SAHM. It wouldn't suit me at all.

 

[KimR]

I was a SAHM for 8 years, until my youngest child was in school full time. After that, I worked part-time so I still was there to drop them off at school and pick them up. If I hadn't told them that I had a job, they probably wouldn't have even noticed because I was still around every hour they weren't in school. Eventually I went to work full time, and they went to after-care at school. They are now in high school so they drive themselves to and from school--no more after care.

To be brutally honest, my years as a SAHM sucked the life right out of me. I personally felt like I was the person doing all the drudge work so that my husband and kids could have interesting lives. I couldn't stand it! And my husband was and is very helpful around the house and with the kids, so it's not like literally EVERYTHING fell to me, but I still felt like I didn't have a "life". Days of dishes, laundry, etc. etc.--UGH!!!

Yes, as a working mom I still have to do the same "drudge" chores I did when I was home, but now they feel like "part" of my life instead of my ENTIRE life!! My house is a mess, but you know what, it was a mess when I was home, too! I just don't have that gene for organizing/cleaning/whatever!

Really, every person is different and we make the best choices for our families. Not everyone can stay home for years on end and be happy. Those that can are lucky, because I do feel that a home with a happy SAH parent or spouse probably is more "calm" than a home where everyone works. But the "happy" part is KEY! If the person staying home isn't happy to do it, it's not good for anyone!

I couldn't agree with this more. My mother was a SAHM. She was miserable and she took it out on my sister and me, and ultimately herself as she became an alcoholic. I am convinced this was due to boredom and frustration with her life. I would have LOVED to stay with a neighbor after school, have a babysitter or go to daycare if it meant coming home to a happy, peaceful home in the evenings. I would have rather spent only 30 minutes a day with my mother if it could have been a peacefull, pleasant 30 minutes. I had plenty of time with her, but much of it was dealing with her unprovoked rages, screaming, and name-calling. Now someone please explain to me how that is preferable to daycare.

This is one of the main reasons I've always worked. I don't think I'm cut out to be a SAHM either and I think my children are much better off for me having recognized that fact. My kids always talk about how happy their childhood is/was and that's a heck of a lot more than I can say.

 

[NewRVLady]

Why do people keep saying WOHMs leave their kids with strangers? It's not like I paid some random person on the street to take my kid and am hoping for the best. We researched many daycares while I was pregnant, went to several open houses, dropped by unannounced many times, and over the years we have gotten to know all of the teachers at my son's daycare very well. I don't know ANY working mom that didn't vett their children's daycare in a similar way. To suggest he got dumped with strangers is not only insulting, it's highly inaccurate.

We are lucky because my son's daycare is located on the same street that my husband and I work on. He has a great time there and half the time I'm dragging him out of there because he's upset about missing whatever fun event I've interrupted. I've never once worried that he didn't have top notch care, and it's apparent that his teachers truly care about each and every kid.

QUOTE]


My DIL found one near her work also-when she goes back to work , she can do a lunch time breast feeding there

 

[pryncess527]

I am quite aware of how that question is asked, but if you are proud of what you do then what does it matter?

Best advice in the thread. The most valuable lesson I learned in life was that strangers can not control your feelings. They can only make you feel bad or guilty about your choices if you let them.

If I could, I'd consider being a stay at home WIFE -- and if that means some anon people on the Dis think I'm lazy or some other negative thing, so be it. I don't live my life for them.

 

[superme80]

Why do people keep saying WOHMs leave their kids with strangers? It's not like I paid some random person on the street to take my kid and am hoping for the best. We researched many daycares while I was pregnant, went to several open houses, dropped by unannounced many times, and over the years we have gotten to know all of the teachers at my son's daycare very well. I don't know ANY working mom that didn't vett their children's daycare in a similar way. To suggest he got dumped with strangers is not only insulting, it's highly inaccurate.

We are lucky because my son's daycare is located on the same street that my husband and I work on. He has a great time there and half the time I'm dragging him out of there because he's upset about missing whatever fun event I've interrupted. I've never once worried that he didn't have top notch care, and it's apparent that his teachers truly care about each and every kid.

QUOTE]


My DIL found one near her work also-when she goes back to work , she can do a lunch time breast feeding there

These post make me so happy.

 

[Minnesota!]

That's great, but not an option here. We live 6 miles from school and the only way to get there is a rural, very busy state highway. Walking or riding a bike to school is not an option.

That stinks. One of the reasons we live where we do is because of the ease of access to the schools my kids will go to. Elementary is just under a mile away, the high school we are planning on is just over 2 miles away - totally walk/bikeable until licenses are obtained. The school my nieces go to does not have bussing, and they pull in people from 50+ miles away....they have a big "car pool book" in the office....numbers of people, categorized by area, who are willing/looking to get into a carpool...even during summer. Anything like that available?

I was a SAHM for 8 years, until my youngest child was in school full time. After that, I worked part-time so I still was there to drop them off at school and pick them up. If I hadn't told them that I had a job, they probably wouldn't have even noticed because I was still around every hour they weren't in school. Eventually I went to work full time, and they went to after-care at school. They are now in high school so they drive themselves to and from school--no more after care.

To be brutally honest, my years as a SAHM sucked the life right out of me. I personally felt like I was the person doing all the drudge work so that my husband and kids could have interesting lives. I couldn't stand it! And my husband was and is very helpful around the house and with the kids, so it's not like literally EVERYTHING fell to me, but I still felt like I didn't have a "life". Days of dishes, laundry, etc. etc.--UGH!!!

Yes, as a working mom I still have to do the same "drudge" chores I did when I was home, but now they feel like "part" of my life instead of my ENTIRE life!! My house is a mess, but you know what, it was a mess when I was home, too! I just don't have that gene for organizing/cleaning/whatever!

Really, every person is different and we make the best choices for our families. Not everyone can stay home for years on end and be happy. Those that can are lucky, because I do feel that a home with a happy SAH parent or spouse probably is more "calm" than a home where everyone works. But the "happy" part is KEY! If the person staying home isn't happy to do it, it's not good for anyone!

Same exact thoughts. I am NOT cut out for SAHM...just the 3.5 months of maternity leave, I felt my identity slip away. I don't want to be "mom" 24/7. I don't want the house to be my sole job. I wanted to be among adults, having adult conversations, doing things that did not revolve around maternal things, household things, etc. Our house is run by the 4 of us...not just me. I was not willing to take on the work for 4 people. And then there is that whole "getting paid for the work I do" aspect, . That was pretty important to me.

I say, do for you what works for you. But no judging when others see it different for themselves..

 

[diznygirl]

Same exact thoughts. I am NOT cut out for SAHM...just the 3.5 months of maternity leave, I felt my identity slip away. I don't want to be "mom" 24/7. I don't want the house to be my sole job. I wanted to be among adults, having adult conversations, doing things that did not revolve around maternal things, household things, etc. Our house is run by the 4 of us...not just me. I was not willing to take on the work for 4 people. And then there is that whole "getting paid for the work I do" aspect, . That was pretty important to me.

I say, do for you what works for you. But no judging when others see it different for themselves..

This is the thing that SAHMs are trying to get working moms to understand - we DO get out the house and talk to other adults, our lives DON'T revolve only around housework or children, we DO do other useful things out there in the "real world." We don't go stir crazy because we DO keep busy.

 

[Mkrop]

This is the thing that SAHMs are trying to get working moms to understand - we DO get out the house and talk to other adults, our lives DON'T revolve only around housework or children, we DO do other useful things out there in the "real world." We don't go stir crazy because we DO keep busy.

Yes I will be sure to tell all those teachers that I interact with and the other moms on the committees I work on that they are real adults.


And it drive me nuts on these threads...everything is so regional or dependent on your own unique situation. If you live near where your kids play sports than there is no need for carpooling, well great for you. If you live in the south maybe two hour delays dont concern you when thinking about how to handle that and work. If you have flexibility, than leaving early to get your kids to activities is no big deal. If you have family to help, you dont blink an eye when your child gets sick, you just ask grandma etc. There are SOOOOOO many things that can make it so easy to work and there are other situations that dont make the extra income worth the headache. You can NOT project your area/situation and pass judgement on others when they cant make work what you do.

 

[Christine]

This is the thing that SAHMs are trying to get working moms to understand - we DO get out the house and talk to other adults, our lives DON'T revolve only around housework or children, we DO do other useful things out there in the "real world." We don't go stir crazy because we DO keep busy.

I know this is true; however, I wanted to add something to this. One of the reason I never really pushed to be a SAHM was because I'm fairly introverted. I had some long "stints" of SAHM-ness and I tend to withdraw. It's hard for ME to seek out people, and put myself out there to get out of the house. I just knew that *I* would be one of those people who ended up kind of shut in and consumed with my household chores. Or, I'd probably hit the gym. But, it really would not have been good for me. Being in an office setting forces me to put myself out there and mix with people and, in fact, act like an extrovert when necessary. That motivation was not there at home. And the times I did try to blend in with volunteer aspects of school and my kids, the "Momfia" really kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. It was kind of like high school revisted.

I know it to be true that there are many SAHMs who are very involved and busy because it's in their nature to naturally be that way. I think some of us who say we "couldn't stay home" know the limitations within ourselves in that area.

 

[Colleen27]

This is the thing that SAHMs are trying to get working moms to understand - we DO get out the house and talk to other adults, our lives DON'T revolve only around housework or children, we DO do other useful things out there in the "real world." We don't go stir crazy because we DO keep busy.

And as I said upthread, being unemployed or on leave for a short stretch isn't the same because you aren't making commitments to the things that keep SAHMs involved in the real world. You know the no-job situation is temporary and act accordingly, which only makes sense but also means you aren't really seeing what being a SAHM is like. Which is fine. I have no doubt it isn't for everyone. But it irks me to hear people talk about those almost-shut-in newborn days as maternity leave or a high stress period of unemployment following a layoff as proof that SAH is repetitive, identity-sapping monotony.

Christine, you hit on one of my challenges with being at home. I'm very introverted too and really have to push myself to get involved with things, but at the same time I really enjoy being able to do so on my own terms, on projects and in capacities that interest me. It isn't my nature to thrive with no downtime so my big stress when I was working was the feeling that I always had to be "on" for someone. Now I can be involved in the kids' schools, get them to their activities, and still have some peace and quiet to tend my gardens or read a book.