SAHM Vent

[U2_rocks!]

I can leave my office at almost any time to take kids places - it's hardly ever an issue, especially if I know in advance and can make sure someone else is in the office to cover. To save on driving I might have the kids hang out in the office before and after, if where they have to go is closer to work. There have been times when a child has been at work with me because I needed to take them somewhere, and they managed to arrange a playdate afterwards and the mom came and got my kid from my office. I don't know what we'd do if I were stuck at work and couldn't leave. In an emergency I could ask my mom, or my brother, but I would never bother them for ordinary things.

 

[Mkrop]

I can leave my office at almost any time to take kids places - it's hardly ever an issue, especially if I know in advance and can make sure someone else is in the office to cover. To save on driving I might have the kids hang out in the office before and after, if where they have to go is closer to work. There have been times when a child has been at work with me because I needed to take them somewhere, and they managed to arrange a playdate afterwards and the mom came and got my kid from my office. I don't know what we'd do if I were stuck at work and couldn't leave. In an emergency I could ask my mom, or my brother, but I would never bother them for ordinary things.

See I think examples like U2's are why for some working is possible and for others it is either not feasible or too much of a headache for the amt one would make. If you have familial help, good carpools, job flexibility, certain job locations, understanding bosses etc, you can make it work.

I know for us it became a complete nightmare. One boss got it and the other did not, he made it quite miserable, it was not worth mentally, esp since DS11 was starting tons of PT and OT appts that were only available during the day. I would love to find that job so I could work during school hours. Someone needs to be here to get DS off the bus, homework started, fed and to football. Right now that is me. I thought I was going to apply to a job last week at a school, clerical help. But they wanted the person there at 7:30, well last yr DS got picked up at 7:38. I tried calling the bus company and they would not release the info so I had no idea when he was getting on the bus (it is the same time). By the time I got the schedule the job was no longer posted. I wasnt sure if I should call and see if that time was flexible or not but the job said it involved greeting students so my guess would be not since they would get there at that time.

 

[JanaDee]

I guess I wasn't clear. I meant the 2nd option of working parents taking turns works for both younger and older kids.



I understood Jane Dee to mean in the summer. It is a pain but you work it out. If you have 3 or 4 kids in your carpool and both parents take a turn, you only need to off work every 6th or 8th practice so it's doable.

Where we live, you work 5 mins away or 30+ mins away. There is no in between. Very few parents work in town (the downfall of living in a small, rural community). If you live in town, obviously your child can walk or bike to practice themselves.


In our case, when you as a parent work 30+ mins away, you either have to rely on someone else to drive your child (whether that be a SAHP, a sibling, grandparent, etc), take vacation time every day or your child doesn't participate.

 

[daughtersrus]

I'm commenting without reading all of the replies.

I will admit that I often wonder what my SIL does all day. Her children are now 26, 23 and 19. Two in college, one graduated and is living on her own. The kids have done their own laundry since elementary school and they eat out at least 5 times a week. She did not carpool. The kids took activities buses home if they stayed after school. She does not volunteer.

I'm really just curious. At a party recently, someone asked her. Her reply was "she's busy raising her family".

She has a college degree and would make much more money than her DH.

 

[Coonhound]

And again - I would not force a 14 child to keep a child who is a result of a rape
But that is me - there are too many adoptive parents out there begging for a child

I'm sorry, since when is it our job to provide babies for people who can't have them? We have every right to keep our own grandchild, we don't "owe" the baby to some other couple simply because they can't have one.

And actually the original plan was for adoption, it was our son who got upset about it and didn't want the baby going to strangers. I'm not saying there aren't terrific couples out there waiting to adopt, but you saying you wouldn't keep the baby as their are too many great couples begging for a baby...that is just flat out ridiculous...no one OWES their baby to someone else.

 

[jrmasm]

Where we live, you work 5 mins away or 30+ mins away. There is no in between. Very few parents work in town (the downfall of living in a small, rural community). If you live in town, obviously your child can walk or bike to practice themselves.


In our case, when you as a parent work 30+ mins away, you either have to rely on someone else to drive your child (whether that be a SAHP, a sibling, grandparent, etc), take vacation time every day or your child doesn't participate.

My husband and I both work 30 minutes away from home. Some of my DD's friends' parents were closer, some were further away. We took vacation time to get them to mid day stuff but not every day. That's the point of a carpool, to spread around the pain. As I said, it is a pain but you do what you have to do.

 

[TAX GUY]

After reading this thread and MANY of the replies back and forth.... if someone doesn't get points and privileges taken away, then I call hooey on the moderation of these boards! Webmaster Doc..... where are you?

To keep on topic (and not violate any rules)... As many have stated, its clearly up to the person(s) what they decide to do (work outside of the home, work from home or work as a stay at home PARENT - not gender specific). As with many other things and choices you have, its no one else's business unless they are part of your relationship and/or pay the bills. If they don't, tell them to move along and that theres nothing to see here.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

After reading this thread and MANY of the replies back and forth.... if someone doesn't get points and privileges taken away, then I call hooey on the moderation of these boards! Webmaster Doc..... where are you? To keep on topic (and not violate any rules)... As many have stated, its clearly up to the person(s) what they decide to do (work outside of the home, work from home or work as a stay at home PARENT - not gender specific). As with many other things and choices you have, its no one else's business unless they are part of your relationship and/or pay the bills. If they don't, tell them to move along and that theres nothing to see here.

Yep, I'm amazed it has lasted this long without getting locked.

 

[Laura66]

I'm commenting without reading all of the replies.

I will admit that I often wonder what my SIL does all day. Her children are now 26, 23 and 19. Two in college, one graduated and is living on her own. The kids have done their own laundry since elementary school and they eat out at least 5 times a week. She did not carpool. The kids took activities buses home if they stayed after school. She does not volunteer.

I'm really just curious. At a party recently, someone asked her. Her reply was "she's busy raising her family".

She has a college degree and would make much more money than her DH.

Unless she was lecturing someone on their choice about staying or not staying home she was smart answering that way. It's no one else's business!

 

[JanaDee]

I'm commenting without reading all of the replies.

I will admit that I often wonder what my SIL does all day. Her children are now 26, 23 and 19. Two in college, one graduated and is living on her own. The kids have done their own laundry since elementary school and they eat out at least 5 times a week. She did not carpool. The kids took activities buses home if they stayed after school. She does not volunteer.

I'm really just curious. At a party recently, someone asked her. Her reply was "she's busy raising her family".

She has a college degree and would make much more money than her DH.

Unless you're married to her or they are asking you to pay their bills, it is none of your business what she does all day. She may sleep all day, she may clean all day, she may cook all day, she may shop all day. Why does it matter?

 

[Laura66]

I'm sorry, since when is it our job to provide babies for people who can't have them? We have every right to keep our own grandchild, we don't "owe" the baby to some other couple simply because they can't have one.

And actually the original plan was for adoption, it was our son who got upset about it and didn't want the baby going to strangers. I'm not saying there aren't terrific couples out there waiting to adopt, but you saying you wouldn't keep the baby as their are too many great couples begging for a baby...that is just flat out ridiculous...no one OWES their baby to someone else.

Well now that DS16 has his license, I dont want him to have to drive everyone everywhere, even if they offer to cough up gas money, too much wear and tear on his car. He currently is only legally allowed to drive one other nonsibling in the car. And some of the places he had to drive for baseball for example were extremely far away in the middle of nowhere. No way did I want him driving himself or another player there after he just got his license. Once in awhile, ok, but not all the time. He needs to get home or get to work.

I'll never forget the call I got from DS two years ago when he was a freshman saying that this senior was going to give him a ride to the diner after the play, the whole cast was going. He was so excitied to be riding in an orange, convertible Camaro. Mom not so much, it was nerveracking.

DS16 last spring played on a baseball team of all 16 year olds. Most of these kids were new drivers or in the process of getting their license. Given where the away games were, none of them drove. The coach always sent out an email said we are meeting at the home field and if anyone needed a ride to show up there. They had to leave by 4 to get to these places. Many parents worked. The email would always come out can Joey get a ride please. I ALWAYS replied all and said I would go and get whoever needed to be picked up. So it was me, and the two coaches who always had kids in our car. The ONE time I needed a ride for DS, I put the email out there. Not one single person stepped up, and only one coach was driving and he did not have room for DS. ALL those kids I drove and not one of them could step up. One of them was driving up there but the mom wanted him to practice...I mean really, you couldnt forgo that to pay back a favor. Finally the coach tracked down a dad who had not left the area yet and he came and got him. And YES I ahve driven his kid several times.

THIS is why I sometimes get ticked off at the working parents who sign their kids up for things and then expect everyone else to get them there and not pay it back when asked.




Where was the word force used? You dont know this man and his family's story, maybe this was a family decision, one that is once again no one's business.

Once again I am not supporting Coonhound's tone in this thread but this kind of speculation and judging is over the line IMHO.

Exactly! On both counts!

I didn't want the wear and tear on DD or DS's car - and I didn't want other kids in his car in dangerous winter weather!

Most people were appreciative and would help out if they could - but there were a few parents that were PO'd when I couldn't drive their kids or asked for a favor. One actually told me - well that's really inconvenient for me! Really?? After feeding, babysitting and driving your kid - out of my way - for years? Told a parent and I couldn't watch their kid on a snow day last year (and she wanted me to come pick them up - early - as well!) because my DD and I were looking forward to sleeping in and going to the mall if the weather got better. Oh my gosh I got a lecture on how she couldn't understand since I don't work why I wouldn't and how selfish I was!

Yup - I get it all!

I'm much more selective now!

 

[quandrea]

Unless you're married to her or they are asking you to pay their bills, it is none of your business what she does all day. She may sleep all day, she may clean all day, she may cook all day, she may shop all day. Why does it matter?

The subtext is she doesn't do much in a day. I've been a sham for ten and a half years. We homeschool so I basically do work the equivalent of a full time job. I figure by the time my five year olds finish high school at eighteen I will be fifty five. Just about time to think about "retirement." I will have earned some extra down time. I'm sure your SIL feels the same. And I agree. It's nobody's business. Just adds to the motherism concept I talked about up thread. No one would question what a former working mom does once she has grown children and retires. But a sham is a different matter.

 

[scoutie]

So it sounds like you spend one hour with your child in the morning and one or maybe two hours with him in the evening.

And her husband spends just as much time with him as a SAHM would.

I'm not understanding why some posters are so up in arms about this mom working long hours. All that does is devalue dads. The child has two loving parents. One works long hours, the other doesn't. This is not any different than any other family that has posted on here, just substitute "SAHM with kids in school" with "Dad".

I'd also like to point out that I've never asked a SAHM for anything, without either paying her or reciprocating. Our carpool duties are even. We each drive both ways once a week. I did ask a neighborhood mom to watch my kids (for pay) when I had two teacher work days to do a few weeks ago. I take her kids a lot of the time too. If people are mad about being asked to watch/pick up/drive other people's kids, I don't get what's so hard about saying, "No. I'm spread too thin!"

I'm lucky that I'm home in time for my kids to get off the bus. That's a major perk for me.

I've been a sham for ten and a half years

Funny typo. You're not a sham! You are very real and truthful!

 

[U2_rocks!]

The subtext is she doesn't do much in a day. I've been a sham for ten and a half years. We homeschool so I basically do work the equivalent of a full time job. I figure by the time my five year olds finish high school at eighteen I will be fifty five. Just about time to think about "retirement." I will have earned some extra down time. I'm sure your SIL feels the same. And I agree. It's nobody's business. Just adds to the motherism concept I talked about up thread. No one would question what a former working mom does once she has grown children and retires. But a sham is a different matter.

The thing is, you (general you) shouldn't even have to feel like you "earned" the downtime! Honestly, if you have a husband who is perfectly willing to support you and you are not a drain on society, who cares how much or how little you do every day? I look at it this way: if your family can afford to be a one-income family then great, do so. It's not as though there are workforce shortages - someone else will happily take that paid job you don't want. I'd much rather see someone who really needs that paycheck take that job. I will be jealous as hell and wish I could have found a wealthy guy to support me () instead of falling for the one I did fall for, but that's on me not on you.

 

[U2_rocks!]

Funny typo. You're not a sham! You are very real and truthful!

Gotta love auto-correct!

 

[Laura66]

And her husband spends just as much time with him as a SAHM would.

I'm not understanding why some posters are so up in arms about this mom working long hours. All that does is devalue dads. The child has two loving parents. One works long hours, the other doesn't. This is not any different than any other family that has posted on here, just substitute "SAHM with kids in school" with "Dad".

I'd also like to point out that I've never asked a SAHM for anything, without either paying her or reciprocating. Our carpool duties are even. We each drive both ways once a week. I did ask a neighborhood mom to watch my kids (for pay) when I had two teacher work days to do a few weeks ago. I take her kids a lot of the time too. If people are mad about being asked to watch/pick up/drive other people's kids, I don't get what's so hard about saying, "No. I'm spread too thin!"

I'm lucky that I'm home in time for my kids to get off the bus. That's a major perk for me.

Most of my friends are like you! Sweet and non-judgmental and I never mind helping them and expect nothing in return.

In my experience - it's the ones who are VERY judgmental, that ask me what a do all day and make snide comments.

I've got dear friends who work and don't work and it's never crossed our minds to judge each other or not support or help each other out! Thank goodness for them! Otherwise I know I'd be down about it!

 

[mefordis]

You should just do what I do -- keep a low profile and take care of your own. Don't let anyone know how available you might be. Ask no favors of anyone else, either. Works pretty well for me!

Oh, and drive a mid size suv, none of this mini van stuff!

And I agree, Coonhound is being unfairly judged.

Well now that DS16 has his license, I dont want him to have to drive everyone everywhere, even if they offer to cough up gas money, too much wear and tear on his car. He currently is only legally allowed to drive one other nonsibling in the car. And some of the places he had to drive for baseball for example were extremely far away in the middle of nowhere. No way did I want him driving himself or another player there after he just got his license. Once in awhile, ok, but not all the time. He needs to get home or get to work.

I'll never forget the call I got from DS two years ago when he was a freshman saying that this senior was going to give him a ride to the diner after the play, the whole cast was going. He was so excitied to be riding in an orange, convertible Camaro. Mom not so much, it was nerveracking.

DS16 last spring played on a baseball team of all 16 year olds. Most of these kids were new drivers or in the process of getting their license. Given where the away games were, none of them drove. The coach always sent out an email said we are meeting at the home field and if anyone needed a ride to show up there. They had to leave by 4 to get to these places. Many parents worked. The email would always come out can Joey get a ride please. I ALWAYS replied all and said I would go and get whoever needed to be picked up. So it was me, and the two coaches who always had kids in our car. The ONE time I needed a ride for DS, I put the email out there. Not one single person stepped up, and only one coach was driving and he did not have room for DS. ALL those kids I drove and not one of them could step up. One of them was driving up there but the mom wanted him to practice...I mean really, you couldnt forgo that to pay back a favor. Finally the coach tracked down a dad who had not left the area yet and he came and got him. And YES I ahve driven his kid several times.

THIS is why I sometimes get ticked off at the working parents who sign their kids up for things and then expect everyone else to get them there and not pay it back when asked.




Where was the word force used? You dont know this man and his family's story, maybe this was a family decision, one that is once again no one's business.

Once again I am not supporting Coonhound's tone in this thread but this kind of speculation and judging is over the line IMHO.

 

[Colleen27]

I understood Jane Dee to mean in the summer. It is a pain but you work it out. If you have 3 or 4 kids in your carpool and both parents take a turn, you only need to off work every 6th or 8th practice so it's doable.

How many jobs really allow that? One day off every 2 or 3 weeks? Honest question, no snark. I've never had a job with that kind of flexibility or vacation time. Even if I'd been able to get away with taking time off like that, it would have consumed my vacation time for the year leaving no time for actual vacationing.

 

[U2_rocks!]

How many jobs really allow that? One day off every 2 or 3 weeks? Honest question, no snark. I've never had a job with that kind of flexibility or vacation time. Even if I'd been able to get away with taking time off like that, it would have consumed my vacation time for the year leaving no time for actual vacationing.

Mine does, but I have what is probably an unusual amount of flexibility. I took many one-off days of vacation this summer to do various things with my kids.

 

[mickeyboat]

You should just do what I do -- keep a low profile and take care of your own. Don't let anyone know how available you might be. Ask no favors of anyone else, either. Works pretty well for me!

Oh, and drive a mid size suv, none of this mini van stuff!

And I agree, Coonhound is being unfairly judged.

I work out of the home, and spent and entire hockey season carting the child of a SAHM to almost every practice and game - home or away. The SAHM was not available because her DH's worked long hours at a job that was not flexible, and the family had four children. I was my daughters' GS troop leader and carted the children of SAHM's around all the time. I was also one of the most active volunteers at the school, working the activity tables at after school events, chaperoning the children of SAHM's, etc. because they had younger children as well, and could not contribute.

You might just find at some point you will need a favor, too. And a minivan.

As for Coonhound, he often makes derogatory remarks regarding others' parenting skills. Even if he was a perfect parent himself, I lose all respect for someone who puts others down for making choices that are not the same as his.