SADDAM OFFERS FORMER PRISONERS PLASTIC SURGERY TO LOOK LIKE HIM
Goal: One Million Saddams By 2005
In his latest show of generosity to his nation, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein today offered all recently released Iraqi prisoners plastic surgery to make them look exactly like him.
"In addition to freedom, I want each and every one of you to have the opportunity of looking just me," Saddam said today in a national radio address. "I hope you will enjoy your new, sexier face, and that you will use it wisely."
While the Iraqi dictator has employed as many as a dozen lookalikes in the past, presumably to make the job of locating and killing him more difficult, his new plastic surgery offer represents an ambitious ramping up of that program.
In the words of one Iraqi official familiar with Saddam's plan, "By 2005 he wants to have a million Saddams running around the place."
In addition to the Saddamifying of the former prisoners, Iraqi factories are working overtime manufacturing matching suits, ties and pajamas to make the newly released Iraqi men virtually indistinguishable from Saddam.
And while 100% of the prisoners are expected to take Saddam up on his offer to have a face just like his -- for fear of appearing not to like Saddam's face -- one prisoner who has already undergone the procedure admittted that he was somewhat disappointed by the results.
"I only wanted to look like Saddam because I thought it would help me get girls," said the prisoner, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "But now when I walk into a bar in Baghdad, everyone looks like Saddam. It's kind of a gyp."
Meanwhile, the U.S. State Department would not confirm intelligence reports that Saddam himself underwent plastic surgery over the weekend to make him look exactly like Fleetwood Mac lead singer Stevie Nicks.
***Borowitz Reports****
Goal: One Million Saddams By 2005
In his latest show of generosity to his nation, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein today offered all recently released Iraqi prisoners plastic surgery to make them look exactly like him.
"In addition to freedom, I want each and every one of you to have the opportunity of looking just me," Saddam said today in a national radio address. "I hope you will enjoy your new, sexier face, and that you will use it wisely."
While the Iraqi dictator has employed as many as a dozen lookalikes in the past, presumably to make the job of locating and killing him more difficult, his new plastic surgery offer represents an ambitious ramping up of that program.
In the words of one Iraqi official familiar with Saddam's plan, "By 2005 he wants to have a million Saddams running around the place."
In addition to the Saddamifying of the former prisoners, Iraqi factories are working overtime manufacturing matching suits, ties and pajamas to make the newly released Iraqi men virtually indistinguishable from Saddam.
And while 100% of the prisoners are expected to take Saddam up on his offer to have a face just like his -- for fear of appearing not to like Saddam's face -- one prisoner who has already undergone the procedure admittted that he was somewhat disappointed by the results.
"I only wanted to look like Saddam because I thought it would help me get girls," said the prisoner, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "But now when I walk into a bar in Baghdad, everyone looks like Saddam. It's kind of a gyp."
Meanwhile, the U.S. State Department would not confirm intelligence reports that Saddam himself underwent plastic surgery over the weekend to make him look exactly like Fleetwood Mac lead singer Stevie Nicks.
***Borowitz Reports****
