Sad about IL's - update on DH pg 2

[SleepyMom]

This really isn't a vent, although it probably should be, I'm just really sad about my IL's at the moment and can't/won't talk to DH about it. That is the last thing he needs right now.

After 18 years of marriage, I think this may be the moment for me that I re-think my relationship with them, I am hurt and a little shocked at them right now, even though I shouldn't be because I totally knew this was going to happen. I should say I expected it, but was still hoping I would be wrong.

Long story short, DH has some medical issues and we need to go out of town for some appointments. We asked DH's sister if she could help out (she only lives 2 hours away and works 1 day a week, and the days we need her do not disrupt her work schedule) and come down to stay with our DD while we are out of town. She said no. Her DH will be using their pickup that day, so she can't come. There are 2 other siblings where she lives, one of them could loan her a car or bring her, plus she has 3 adult children right there that she could ask. Or, and this is what I would do if the situation was reversed, I would ask DH to skip going fishing for the day so I could go help out my brother who needed me.

For 18 plus years, DH's family has been this way so I should not be surprised (and I'm not, I'm just hurt). The road to our house has always been too far for them to travel, but they have no issue with us going to them. They can always call when they need something, but this is the first time we have truly asked them for anything and the answer was "no".

So, this afternoon when I know my DBrother will be off work I am going to call him and his wife and ask them to come stay with DD. I know they will, they've already offered and I turned them down because I was thinking DH's sister is closer. DB and DSIL will have to drive over 5 hours, one way, so it will be over a 10 hour drive for them to come stay a few days. To me, that is what family does and I am so thankful to have my family. It just makes me sad that my IL's are the way they are, I don't get it.

I do know that this has been very eye-opening for me. I've always known they are the way they are, but I guess this gives me permission to say no to them once in awhile. I always say yes, and bend over backwards sometimes to make things happen. Next time I may not be available.

Sorry this is long, just needed to get that off my chest.

 

[npmommie]

I would be hurt too. I also have a selfish sil
I have resigned myself to the fact that she will be the way she is and that is it, so I have backed off how much contact I have with her, I was hurt too many times and had enough

 

[HGD24]

I'm so sorry - family should be there when you need them most. Is your DH's family in denial about his medical issues? I know some people who are like that. They won't admit that a loved one is ill so they just keep living their life as if they are not, even if that means not helping out.

 

[MomofKatie]

SleepyMom, I feel your pain- I'm sorry your DH's family is so uncaring.

I, too, have selfish ILs. We just came back from visiting them (they live 600 miles away)- the entire visit, we listened to them complain that they never get to see us and that we should have spent more time with them. We ALWAYS take the 9 hour drive to them, and they NEVER come to us. I have accepted that this is just how it is with them, but it still hurts.

We have come to realize that we need to put our family first- we have stopped trying to knock ourselves out to come for most major holidays. We now do 1 trip a year- meanwhile, they have come to our house once in the past 9 years, and that was because we were a free night's stay on their way to Myrtle Beach.

Family can really make you sad sometimes...

 

[vettechick99]

It does sound pretty selfish. It's not like you are going on vacation. He is sick and family should step in to help. My parents came overnight (they are 1.5 hrs away) last week when I had my tonsils out to help out with DD and my DH. I am 33 so they didn't have to, but it was so nice to have them here.

It sounds as though you have figured out their limits and you should stop "bending over backwards" for them. And make other arrangements for DD. Have you thought about asking friends? One of my good friends offered to take DD for the night when I had my tonsils out. Good friends are as priceless as family to me.

GL!

 

[Diva of Dragons]

You know their true colors. Whatever you do, don't take it personally. It's all about them and being self-centered. Put your energy and generosity into the ones who really care (ie..your family).

Think about the relief you'll feel, once the sadness passes, that you have no obligations toward them. The best thing you can do for them, and you, is take good care of your DH. They obviously feel that none of the responsibility is theirs. I would feel hard-pressed to to think that they deserve the benefits of your hard work...meaning you guys hauling butt to their house all the time.

My ILs are the same. They moved 100 miles away (on the other side of L.A. traffic). They whine when DH won't make the trip but will only come here, and maybe meet him for lunch, if they happen to have some other reason to be down here. I have not had relationship with them for 15 years, so it's up to them to have one with their son.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You sound like you have alot to give and are a people pleaser.

Introduce the concept of reciprocity to your life when it comes to relationships that are like that.

I have found that it is very helpful keeping myself in check. Relationships cannot be one-sided.

Hang in there....

 

[akhenaten]

Hope everything with your DH goes well....

I also have selfish in-laws... you are allowed to set big boundaries with these folks!!

Sorry they hurt and disappointed you...it is sad really...

 

[jemgumby]

So sorry.....I can understand but for me it's the opposite. It's the inlaws who are supportive and unfortunately its my family that is not......I feel your pain.

 

[Handbag Lady]

First off, I hope your husband gets better.

Secondly, yeah, start cutting down the contact with the outlaws. You know they are the way they are, so stop forcing yourself to socialize with them except when you have to. Just say no ONCE. It makes it so much easier to say no again and again when they ask or need you.

Clearly you have a need now and they are not stepping up to the plate. Feh, who needs them.

Let's instead concentrate on what a great brother you have!

 

[java]

I'm sorry. You certainly see people's true colors when the chips are down. I don't even know you and I would drive to help out. You clearly need help for a very important reason.

My dh drove 2 hours each way a couple weekends ago to help his parents move. There were 3 siblings that live right near them but dh felt like he should be there too. That's what family does.

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

Hope your DH gets better soon!

Sometimes people just don't get it -- and those people are often known as "in-laws." My MIL won't put herself out there, either. Her latest line is that she can't come and visit over a weekend because my SIL and BIL need her to babysit their son on Friday nights so they can have their weekly date night. Must be nice being them.

 

[SleepyMom]

Thank you everyone... I really needed to get that out. We waited for 2 weeks to even get this appointment, and once we finally got it I was just hoping the rest would fall into place. I think the stress is starting to build up in me and I needed to release some of it. I cannot tell you how much I need it to be Monday right now.

I did call my DB and he said he will be here, I just feel horrible making him drive 10 hours. I would do it for him though, and he knows that. I'm sorry to hear so many others have *family* like ours.

 

[Philagoofy]

I hope everything goes well with your husband. It's a shame to have this added stress on you. You sound like a good person at heart.

 

[goofy!]

Thank you everyone... I really needed to get that out. We waited for 2 weeks to even get this appointment, and once we finally got it I was just hoping the rest would fall into place. I think the stress is starting to build up in me and I needed to release some of it. I cannot tell you how much I need it to be Monday right now.

I did call my DB and he said he will be here, I just feel horrible making him drive 10 hours. I would do it for him though, and he knows that. I'm sorry to hear so many others have *family* like ours.

Would your inlaws watch your daughter if you took her to the ILs and she stayed there rather than having somebody come out to your house for a few days? That way your brother wouldn't have to make the 10 hour trip.

Hope everything goes well with your DH

 

[Handbag Lady]

Thank you everyone... I really needed to get that out. We waited for 2 weeks to even get this appointment, and once we finally got it I was just hoping the rest would fall into place. I think the stress is starting to build up in me and I needed to release some of it. I cannot tell you how much I need it to be Monday right now.

I did call my DB and he said he will be here, I just feel horrible making him drive 10 hours. I would do it for him though, and he knows that. I'm sorry to hear so many others have *family* like ours.

So, what does your brother like? Ten hours is a long way to go! Maybe buy him his favorite chocolate bar(s). And what does his wife like, too? Channel the energy you had for the outlaws into thanking your brother.

 

[Jsme]

I have been in the position that we really needed our IL's help. My IL's are much better off finanically then my parents and my dad always thinks he has to do things for us, so I did not want to ask my dad. We rarely have had to ask but the one time 14 years ago that we truly need a bit of help ($100) my FIL turned his son, my husband, down flat. DH had asked to work for him on a Saturday to earn $100 that we needed that week for groceries. We did not ask for $100 we asked to work for $100. Dh explained the situation and FIL told DH (his son) NO!!! I do not think I will ever get over this. Now, I knew my dad would give us the $100 but we were attempting to be responsible and not ask for someone to give us $100. Needless to say my dad gave us the $100. We were young parents that had just purchased a house with 2 small children at the time. We literally lived paycheck to paycheck then and when something unexpected happened we were short $100. I could have used my CC but I did not want to use my card.

In saying that, I know your pain. Do not expect it to get easier but the pain and hurt will lessen some. You will get over it to some degree but you will always hold it in your heart. I have never ever mentioned it to my IL's. I doubt my step MIL even knows about it. Since then nothing that he has done has surprised me and he has let us down since. I never expect anything from him. Although you knew your SIL might let you down it does not mean it does not hurt. You have every right to feel let down. Just know for now on to never expect anything from them and you will not be let down again. I firmly believe from what you have said your family is there for you. Just don't ask your IL's for anything else. It will lessen the chances that they can hurt you in the future.

Let me add I do not act mean or ugly towards my IL's. I just know what my FIL is capable of and never expect anything from him. I have always been very nice to him but he will never be close to me. I would do anything for them because my DH would want me to for him. I refuse to allow myself to be like him.

 

[Pooh Crew]

I'm sorry. I've walked in those shoes, too, though. It is hurtful and sad. My youngest was diagnosed with a chronic illness and my entire family is in another state. I called my mil to see if she would sit with our other children (dh had missed a lot of work when ds was in hospital) while I took him in for the first follow up visit--so I could talk to the dr without dealing with three other children. Mil informed me that she had to get her nails done that day, so she could not keep the children. When I learned that her nails came before the health of her grandchildren, I never again asked her to watch our children. It's been six years now. We've made do without her.

 

[clh2]

To the OP - YEAH - your brother is coming to town!!! Your DD will have a blast with him - BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE THERE and HE WANTS TO HELP OUT!

Even IF you could take your DD to your SIL's house, you would be worried about her being there. Most kids are able to to tell quite quickly if they are wanted in a particular place, i.e. your SIL's.

I know you are venting. Trust me, I know where you are coming from on this. (I try hard to not vent against my own family - so I am trying to keep this thread postive.)

Please - you've come up with a perfect solution for this problem, and now focus your energy on your DH's appointment(s). Hope everything is easily explained to you. Write out all your questions before hand, and take notes of the answers. Even ask - who can I contact if I have additional quesitons later. I am assuming this isn't your basic physical he is going to.

Good Luck!

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Sleepymom, I am so sorry you have IL's like that. Some of mine are, some aren't.

I couldn't imagine having to ask mine to do anything. I am pretty sure FIL and his wife would do what they could, but they live in AZ and we are in AL. They do alot for her daugh who is close by and have been very emotionally supportive for us. My MIL and her hubby on the other hand, I am so glad they live in CA, because I would probably have to kill her if not. It is hard because I have no parents, but I do have a cousin, her children and her sister close by.

Just know you aren't the only one out there with crappy IL's.

My mom and grandmother would have done anything for anybody, Lord willing and my Dh doesn't understand why I do the same, it's just what you do for family.

Suzanne