S/O: Divorce... how to cut down?

[Buzz Rules]

As I said, I don't think people should stay in a bad relationship, and that's regardless of whether they have kids. So no, I don't think a couple should stay together "for the kids".

My goal with the thread is to discuss ways that divorce isn't thought of an option. How do we make more "divorce free" marriages that DONT involve forcing people to stay together against their will? What's different between successful and unsuccessful marriages? Is it because people don't understand that marriages are work? Is it because people don't know not everything will be sunshine and roses? How do people learn that? Presumably BEFORE they exchange vows?

If they didn't have a culture of sex before marriage that would probably help.

 

[rigs32]

My goal with the thread is to discuss ways that divorce isn't thought of an option. How do we make more "divorce free" marriages that DONT involve forcing people to stay together against their will?

You can't. If one partner decides to check out after marriage, you can't force the other partner to take on all the responsibilities for both adults (and any potential children). It will lead to financial ruin and burnout for the "responsible" person. I think it's very telling that the push to outlaw no fault divorce seems to be coming from men who want the ability to do as they wish and their partner to be unable to leave a bad marriage.

 

[Allison]

My goal with the thread is to discuss ways that divorce isn't thought of an option.

Divorce should always be an option, though. Maybe it isn't for you and that's okay, but you don't need to come up with ways to reflect that opinion onto other relationships.

 

[Allison]

@sam_gordon , do you think this thread should be moved to the controversial board?

Part of that depends how much you are going to discuss religion.

 

[kdonnel]

So 40 years ago. Is the Church still advising abuse victims to stay married?

No idea.

Between my aunt being told to stay with an abuser, him being allowed to remain in the church and get support while she was excluded, and in 1990 being told I needed better friends when I got married, I have had nothing to do with organized religion since.

First impressions are important. I gave them multiple chances and they failed each time.

 

[Buzz Rules]

Part of that depends how much you are going to discuss religion.

Well that seemed to be part of the discussion since the beginning.

 

[Buzz Rules]

No idea.

Between my aunt being told to stay with an abuser, him being allowed to remain in the church and get support while she was excluded, and in 1990 being told I needed better friends when I got married, I have had nothing to do with organized religion since.

First impressions are important. I gave them multiple chances and they failed each time.

I did post the Catholic cannon law.

 

[Allison]

Well that seemed to be part of the discussion since the beginning.

Sam didn't bring religion into it. You did.

 

[Southernmiss]

As I said, I don't think people should stay in a bad relationship, and that's regardless of whether they have kids. So no, I don't think a couple should stay together "for the kids".

My goal with the thread is to discuss ways that divorce isn't thought of an option. How do we make more "divorce free" marriages that DONT involve forcing people to stay together against their will? What's different between successful and unsuccessful marriages? Is it because people don't understand that marriages are work? Is it because people don't know not everything will be sunshine and roses? How do people learn that? Presumably BEFORE they exchange vows?

Hopefully, there are healthy marriages for newlyweds to watch and emulate.

My in laws were divorced and remarried. Neither Father in law or mother in law's parents had good marriages with each other. He was probably emotionalally abusive to MIL and she was young and her mother had at least 3 marriages and several relationships from the 1940s to 1970s.

FIL and his now wife have now been married over 40 years. She had been divorced and even MIL gives her credit for mellowing him. She was remarried for about 30 years when her husband died.

Dh and I and our siblings have all been married 25+ years. Our brother in law mentioned on Christmas how unusual it was these days to have so many long marriages in one room.

But our 20 and 30 something kids are not marrying, yet. There's definitely cultural norm shifts happening.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

If they didn't have a culture of sex before marriage that would probably help.

Then you’d have people divorcing because they aren’t sexually compatible. Which I know they already do but that may go up.

 

[sam_gordon]

You can't. If one partner decides to check out after marriage, you can't force the other partner to take on all the responsibilities for both adults (and any potential children). It will lead to financial ruin and burnout for the "responsible" person. I think it's very telling that the push to outlaw no fault divorce seems to be coming from men who want the ability to do as they wish and their partner to be unable to leave a bad marriage.

Divorce should always be an option, though. Maybe it isn't for you and that's okay, but you don't need to come up with ways to reflect that opinion onto other relationships.

Again, I'm not trying to outlaw divorce or force people to stay together. Would either of you like me to say that again?

Let me try it this way... what can be done/suggested/taught to make sure when someone chooses "the one", that it IS "the one"? What can be done BEFORE the wedding, if anything, to help the marriage be successful?

 

[mom2rtk]

No idea.

Between my aunt being told to stay with an abuser, him being allowed to remain in the church and get support while she was excluded, and in 1990 being told I needed better friends when I got married, I have had nothing to do with organized religion since.

First impressions are important. I gave them multiple chances and they failed each time.

I'm just saying people and institutions change over time. Especially that much time.

 

[sam_gordon]

If they didn't have a culture of sex before marriage that would probably help.

How would that help?

 

[Allison]

Again, I'm not trying to outlaw divorce or force people to stay together. Would either of you like me to say that again?

Let me try it this way... what can be done/suggested/taught to make sure when someone chooses "the one", that it IS "the one"? What can be done BEFORE the wedding, if anything, to help the marriage be successful?

No need to be snarky, Sam.
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Not much.

 

[sam_gordon]

@sam_gordon , do you think this thread should be moved to the controversial board?

No. Why should it?

 

[sam_gordon]

No need to be snarky, Sam.
‐---‐--------------
Not much.

Sorry, just getting frustrated my explanations seem to be getting ignored.

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"Not much" means you think SOMETHING can be done. So, what are your ideas?

 

[Allison]

Sorry, just getting frustrated my explanations seem to be getting ignored.

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"Not much" means you think SOMETHING can be done. So, what are your ideas?

I'm going to be honest that when you say things like your goal is for divorce not be thought of as an option that isn't going to sit right with other people. I don't know your history but until you have been in some of the tough situations others have then this discussion comes across as rather tone deaf. I really hope you haven't been in one of those situations and never are.

 

[sam_gordon]

I'm going to be honest that when you say things like your goal is for divorce not be thought of as an option that isn't going to sit right with other people. I don't know your history but until you have been in some of the tough situations others have then this discussion comes across as rather tone deaf. I really hope you haven't been in one of those situations and never are.

I understand people who only read that sentence and ignored the rest of the posts might come to that conclusion. I apologize for not expressing my views well.

 

[Buzz Rules]

No. Why should it?

Religious marriages and divorce?

 

[Buzz Rules]

How would that help?

Marriage would be taken more seriously and not like an advanced format for a hookup/divorce culture.