S/O: Divorce... how to cut down?

[gmi3804]

Someone in our neighborhood posted pictures all over the neighborhood of this young women about age 20 who I guess had an affair with her husband. I have no idea who it was, but I tore all the pictures down. A really crappy thing to do to a young girl.

I'll defer to the wisdom of Judge Judy. She asks the wife why she's so mad at the girlfriend. It's her HUSBAND she should be mad at. "Flatten HIS tires, not HERS!"

 

[sam_gordon]

I haven't read it all, but I think it's pretty easy ... if you don't approve of divorce, don't get one. Though sometimes you're not going to have a choice, if your spouse decides to go that way. I don't know why anyone would feel the need to obstruct, impede, or insert additional requirements into strangers' decisions about whether to divorce or not.

Good thing no one has suggested any of that!

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

This is pure (edited) There are many people that are on assistance that live better than those that are not. This is a lived experience for me, growing up in a place where most of my neighbors were on welfare. In an era where large TVs were extremely expensive, everyone that I knew that had one was on assistance.

And they all ate Filet Mignon and Lobster and drove Cadillacs too no doubt.

Again, I'm not trying to outlaw divorce or force people to stay together. Would either of you like me to say that again?

Play it again Sam.

Sorry, just getting frustrated my explanations seem to be getting ignored.

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Welcome to the Dis.

People who carp about those on assistance usually put limits on who they consider worthy recipients of such help. Yet those same people are also gaming the system by accepting tax benefits, which they likely chalk up to their “deserving” them. It’s all so hypocritical, but they’d never see it that way.

Don't give those welfare cheats anything. Just pay me my farm subsidies.

 

[Travel60]

Slightly off topic but ...People learn how to game the system. A single mother with little or no income gets all kinds of financial aid and tax breaks even when the baby daddy is in the picture. The city near us offers financial incentives for owners who rent to low income families. So baby daddies buy a house and "rent" to momma while he unofficially lives there. If they married, they'd lose those benefits.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I'll defer to the wisdom of Judge Judy. She asks the wife why she's so mad at the girlfriend. It's her HUSBAND she should be mad at. "Flatten HIS tires, not HERS!"

It's like on springer when the girls were puling each other's hair out. Nope. They should have both been pulling the two timing jerk's hair out.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Slightly off topic but ...People learn how to game the system. A single mother with little or no income gets all kinds of financial aid and tax breaks even when the baby daddy is in the picture. The city near us offers financial incentives for owners who rent to low income families. So baby daddies buy a house and "rent" to momma while he unofficially lives there. If they married, they'd lose those benefits.

They’re really cracking down on this. If you apply for assistance and have your own place you need to prove how you’re paying your bills. They know people are cohabiting and playing broke to apply for assistance. If she goes and applies for food stamps (for example), has had an apartment for X amount of time but no income for X amount of time and she can’t prove how she’s been paying her rent they aren’t going to approve you for food stamps or other assistance. Bc they obviously know someone is living with you and want to document the income.

I work in healthcare and work with a population of people who regularly receive or apply for assistance. I’ve seen most games they try to play but it truly is very few and far between.

 

[Travel60]

DH and I used to volunteer as couple-to-couple pre-marriage "counselors" at our church. We let the engaged couple know at the first meeting that it was not our role to tell them if they should get married or to tell the pastor whether they should marry. Our role was to make sure they had considered various aspects of marriage.

At the first meeting they independently filled out a personal assessment that covered 6-8 areas - money, children, faith practice, family relationships, friends, maybe a couple more. After they left, we put the results into a program that summarized and compared their answers. Those results formed the basis of future discussions. Most of the time when they came for the second meeting they laughed and said they talked about their answers after leaving, often resolving and differences or at least acknowledging the differences.

One time we had a couple that I had serious doubts about. The guy gave me the heebie-jebbies and from the girl's actions, my spidey sense screamed abuse. After they left, we discussed whether we should consult with the pastor but decided to wait until the next meeting. Which they postponed with one days notice then cancelled. When we talked to the pastor, he said they had decided not to get married. We told him our concerns and left it with him. The process worked but I worried about the girl.

So I think I could see a suggestion of a personal assessment process, especially for couples under, say 25 years of age.

 

[barkley]

I know of a number of companies that will not pay out death distributions to a divorced spouse. In other words, their relationship has to be changed to non-spouse before the death of the owner in order to qualify to claim the proceeds.

the retiree handbook for my government employer has an entire section on what hoops have to be jumped through if you divorce following retirement. forms to report the divorce, forms to verify legal ownership/beneficiary status of life insurance provided by the employer, legal ownership/release of legal interest/beneficiary status of pension and death benefits...information on the financial implications (your pension may increase).

 

[disneychrista]

I'll defer to the wisdom of Judge Judy. She asks the wife why she's so mad at the girlfriend. It's her HUSBAND she should be mad at. "Flatten HIS tires, not HERS!"

There are so many stories where the wife is seems to blame the woman for her husbands cheating. Why aren't you blaming the SOB who is cheating on you?

 

[disneychrista]

It's like on springer when the girls were puling each other's hair out. Nope. They should have both been pulling the two timing jerk's hair out.

and not necessarily the hair on top of his head either.

 

[Turn the Page]

There are so many stories where the wife is seems to blame the woman for her husbands cheating. Why aren't you blaming the SOB who is cheating on you?

That's the case in my family. Long story short, DH got divorced because his ex was having an affair with his sisters husband. This was about 15 years ago now and she is still married to the guy. Let me just say I got the best end of that whole deal. But I digress.

My SIL still absolutely loathes DH's ex. Which I get but why blame her but make excuses for your husband?

Recently, for reasons that defy explanation, she told her 22 year old daughter exactly what happened. I have no idea what possessed her to do it. Apparently my niece now also absolutely loathes DH's ex but doesn't seem to have any issue with her father.

 

[brockash]

No she wanted it she just didn’t want to lose out on the life insurance money if my dad were to pass first. She felt since they were married so long so she “deserved” it. She was the instigator of the separation so my father was/is being gracious in what he has given her. The whole thing is very sad. You don’t hear about people divorcing so late in life, but apparently it happens

I think many wait until the kids are adults hoping it's better for the kids (not saying it necessarily is.) I do think part of the issue with things like this is sure society wants ppl. married, it's better to raise children in 2 parent homes etc., however almost always 1 parent is able to be more career oriented while the other is more child raising oriented. The issue is the parent whose raising the kids etc. has basically nothing or much less than the career oriented parent whether that be health insurance, retirement, pension, life insurance etc. It's quite sad all the way around. Someone has to be around for the nitty gritty day in and out of parenting children yet that parent is basically screwing themselves in the longbrun or putting all their eggs in their spouses basket so to speak.

 

[DisneyHardin]

I do agree with this. However, my book club recently read a book called 'The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce' by Judith Wallerstein. She is a social worker in....the San Francisco area if memory serves. Anyway, she founded a center to assist families being affected by divorce and followed children for 25 years to see what the long term effects on these kids were.

Her overall assessment was that in general, with few exceptions, outcomes were better for the children if the parents stayed together for their sakes. However, the book was published in 2001 and it was the findings of a 25 year study. Meaning the children she was talking about experienced divorce in the early 70's. I image many things have changed since then.

I understood and agreed with some of her points but the majority of her conclusions I though were hogwash. The case studies she used felt very cherry picked to me and she seemed to contradict herself quite a bit. It was a fairly interesting read though.

I read this book back when it first came out. My parents divorced when I was under about 2.5, both remarried other people and divorced again when I was 8ish. My mom is single and my Dad remarried again when I was an adult.

It's been a while since I read the book, but I remember feeling like she hit the nail on the head with a lot of the things she said about children of divorce.

I don't remember a life where my parents were married, so I never longed for them to reunite. They got married when they were 18 and seeing how totally different they are now, I can't even imagine them ever being married.

 

[leebee]

the nuclear family is good for society, this has been proven over and over. Rampant divorce kills the nuclear family and degrades society in the process.

It should not be more financially viable to be a single mother, than living in a nuclear family with the father in the home. Our policies have lead to this degradation of the family in America.

To start with, it's NOT more financially viable to live on WIC, SNAP, etc., as a single mom. What makes you think women choose divorce because they are going to "make more" if they and their kids have to live on government subsidies? You try it sometime, if you think it's so incentivizing. You're all about money, so try living without it. While you are at it, maybe you should give up the benefits that go along with "married, filing jointly" that I am pretty sure you take advantage of every spring. Maybe it's not divorce that is degrading society. Maybe it's the deadbeat ex-spouses who don't bother to pay their child support that create the economic situations that cause mothers to need government support. Do you really, honestly believe that a woman thinks, "Oh, hey, I'll divorce my husband and quit my job to take care of the kids because it's such a cushy lifestyle?"

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I swear the number is driven up by individuals going through multiple divorces. My employer has had 3, my friends mom has had 4. They both keep getting remarried trying to get back in to a good financial position for retirement, but each divorce makes it worse.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

My first marriage was a disaster and if my husband hadn't left I would have been stuck for the rest of my life because I didn't want to admit I made a mistake after a lot of people cautioned me. We did pre-marital counseling and then therapy and marital counseling. It didn't fix a thing because there was nothing there to fix. The amount of hoops I had to jump through to get my divorce finalized is insane considering we had no children, real property, and had already divided up our personal belongings to his satisfaction. The whole experience was very indicative of the person I was dealing with and who I was trying to make my marriage work with.

My husband now and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5. He's stood by me/standing by me through some of the hardest things including a parent with dementia. This is his third marriage. He had a a very short marriage when he was very young and starting out in the military that ended in an annulment. His second marriage ended after his ex strongly encouraged him to get out of the military when he was already almost 10 years in which was incredibly stupid and short sighted.

We are a good match. We found each other and we shouldn't have been stuck in some unhappy place forever because we made mistakes and the people we married changed a lot of the "terms and conditions" of our respective marriages. Getting divorced allowed us to find the right person. Who we marry or divorce should be no one else's decision because no one else is in it except those 2 people. Neither of us having children does make things a lot easier, but I can guarantee that no child wants to grow up in an unhappy home.

 

[disykat]

Those questionaries are all fine and dandy. But the truth is...many of those types of answers can change over time. Someone may say they want 3 kids...then have 1 kid and be like "okay...1 is enough." (That's how it was for me!)

Things like who cooks and cleans and whatnot can change over time or week to week even. That's just reality.

Sex drive definitely changes for most people based on so many different factors.

So while those questions can be helpful....I think it's more important for people to realize that things change in relationships. And you either change with them or you part ways.

I definitely agree, but I think making sure trying to encourage people have a basic matching of expectations of what they're getting into originally would be a START. I've heard many people say their first year of marriage was really hard - because they didn't know those things and were surprised that their marriage wasn't what they thought it would be right from the get-go.

As many have said here, there is no "cure" for divorce, nor should there be because in so many cases it's a necessity. I think some "stop and think it through" encouragement would be a good thing. Even that you couldn't mandate, only find a way to encourage.

 

[gmi3804]

Let me make it clear that gaming the system is wrong, even at the "welfare" level. But it's the billionaires who get their tax breaks, and even pay for them by getting certain people elected, people who don't have the majority of the citizens' best interests in mind, that cost us WAY more (financially and socially) than so-called Welfare Queens with an iPhone. It's human nature to try to game the system, and even middle-class people find not-quite-legal ways to benefit from incentives.

 

[greeneyedchick]

We’ve been together since we were very young and we’re very happy. I find that couples who met young and marry young tend to last longer, but that’s just in my experience of couples I know.

My hubby and I are were a young couple too. Started dating at 15 but didn't marry until 21 when we graduated college. We've been married 26 years.

 

[gmi3804]

My hubby and I are were a young couple too. Started dating at 15 but didn't marry until 21 when we graduated college. We've been married 26 years.

I have friends who met in kindergarten and have been best friends and, later, spouses, ever since! We're all pushing 60 now.