We pulled into the parking lot at the base of the Duquesne Incline in Pittsburgh around 12:30 p.m. or so...right on schedule. It was now time for that world-famous Oblivious Family Road Trip Lunch tradition: peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches in a parking lot. This tradition goes back many years, even when I was a boy and my father was taking us on road trips. As a way to cut costs, we carry a cooler in the back of the van so we can carry the stuff we need for a cheap lunch. We've proudly eaten PB&J in some of the most beautiful places in the world.
As Barry once pointed out, you can probably imagine a scene along the lines of Lt. Dan's family history in Forrest Gump: the Oblivious Family eating PB&J at Bunker Hill, The Alamo, Gettysburg, Bastogne...
In any case, I had an extremely healthy lunch of PB&J, cheese balls, and cookies, washed down with Coke Zero (no calories!
). Bob and Kathryn called to say they were at the Incline...where were we? We replied to say no, WE were at the incline, where were they?
After several minutes of childish back-and-forth, we figured out that they had followed their GPS directions...to the top of the hill.
No problem. We'd simply ride up to see them. After a pit stop. With the last break having come mid-morning, we were all ready to use the facilities.
The Duquesne Incline is one of two funiculars in Pittsburgh (the Monongahela Incline is the other). A
funicular, of course, is a set of two tram cars carried up an inclined plane by a cable. The two cars counterbalance each other. In Pittsburgh, they're called inclines, probably because people feel weird trying to use "funicular" in everyday conversation.
We walked into the lower station and hunted around for a bathroom. Couldn't find one anywhere after a quick hunt. No problem, we decided. These are old buildings, first built in 1877:
Maybe the main building with the bathrooms is at the top of the hill. So we went to pay our fare. The clerk, an old lady with a 5-packs-a-day voice who could probably do a decent Barry White impersonation, informed me that fares were "exact change only". Since all I had was a twenty, I had to hit the convenientely-located change machine.
You know those
gold-colored dollar coins the government keeps trying to introduce that nobody uses? They're all stored in the Duquesne Incline change machine, and I was soon the proud owner of 20 of them. I felt like Captain Jack Sparrow with my doubloons weighing down my pocket. But I was able to give 13 of them back to Cigarette Lady and get our tickets. In just a few short minutes...we were movin' on up!
As we glided up the rails, Dave looked around him and said, "Whoa. It's a little fast." I'd say we were going
at least as fast as the cars on the Tomorrowland Speedway.
But the kids loved it. After all, what kid doesn't love train cars? This goes for big kids, too.
We met Bob and Kathryn at the top and took the short walk to the observation deck, where we were treated to this view:
Breathtaking. We stood and stared at this view (and snapped lots of pictures) for quite a while. As far as breaking up the monotony of long drives go, I highly recommend funiculars and jaw-dropping views.
In case you're wondering, that's the Allegheny River coming from the top left of the picture, and the Monongahela River flowing from the right to form the Ohio River at bottom left.
Here's Heinz Field, home of the Pittsburgh Steelers:
And PNC Park, where the Pirates allegedly play baseball:
All kidding aside, I would LOVE to see a baseball game there, simply because the stadium has one of the most
stunning backdrops of any in the game. Unfortunately, I have a bad-luck streak running in which teams are usually out of town when I'm there. And with that statement, I've just teed up yet another easy joke at my expense. You're welcome.
We also made sure to make a record of our presence, so future generations would know that we had once stood in this very spot.
Sightseeing done, it was now time to find the bathroom, especially since Scotty was doing the patented Tinkle Tap-Dance. We searched the station high and low. They had a gift shop. They had a snack bar. They had a self-guided tour of the inner workings of the machinery. They had no bathrooms. Finally, we asked a worker, who cheerfully informed us that the bathroom was in the lower station.
I was about to suggest we all just go back out onto the observation deck, take care of business and shout, "Here's what I think of your scenic view!", but saner heads (read: Julie) prevailed, and we rode the tram back to the bottom. After another fruitless search of the building, we asked Cigarette Lady. She helpfully informed us:
(This is better if you imagine Barry White saying it) "There's a couple of porta-Johns out back."
Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. In any case, we'd wanted a break from driving, a ride on a funicular, and a scenic view. We got all 3 in spades. What do you think, Dave? Riding in trams is cool, right?
Yeah.
Coming Up Next: Ohio! Where we let our kids play with big hammers.
Jen! Thanks for following Kathy over here.
Thanks for the welcome!
