Ridiculous wedding expectations

[halfpintpeggy]

We got married 6 years ago & had a destination wedding in Jamaica. (We live near Philadelphia) We took 13 immediate family members with us for a week to an all inclusive resort & our entire wedding cost less than 12 grand. My husband's bachelor party was going fishing in Jamaica with a few of the guys - hubby paid $300 for it. My bachelorette party was hanging out at our all inclusive with the girls drinking & eating. When we returned home, we had a reception for extended family & friends (didn't ask for gifts, did the "Your presence is our present" type of invite) at a local hall with simple catering...reception cost another $1000. So for 13 thousand we had the intimate wedding of our dreams, a big, fun, pressure free reception for our friends & extended family, and it literally cost us FAR less than the average wedding/reception does these days. OP...in my opinion - your husband should let it be known asap that he's unable to attend the bachelor party in Alaska. The cost is outrageous as is the expectation of him to attend.

 

[bethy]

I agree that this is crazy and that your husband should simply and politely decline to attend the bachelor party ASAP. I do think however that he should keep his commitment to be in the wedding at this point.

However, in general, I personally wouldn't spend $1000 to travel to someone's wedding either unless they were my very best friend, an immediate family member, or it were in a destination where I already wanted to vacation with my family. I say that this so that you can be reassured that your husband is doing plenty already.

 

[bethy]

I'm right there with you. Reading on message boards about what brides go through these days, and what the expectations are, makes me so happy that we got married young (at 23) 19 years ago. I enjoy watching Say Yes to the Dress, but gasp when the dress budgets are more than my entire wedding cost. My mom told me I could spend $500 on my dress and veil; I found the dress on clearance and she picked the veil to go with it, and it was more than $500 total, but she loved it and said it was worth it. We got married in my home church in an afternoon wedding, followed by a simple reception. We were on our way to our honeymoon destination (Disney!) by 5:00. I think our photography was about $1000, flowers were maybe $500, catering $1000. Our total was likely under $5000. I didn't have a bachelorette party - I was just thrilled my BFF was able to fly in to be my matron of honor and wouldn't have asked her for another thing. I think my husband and his best man went to Outback for a drink while they waited for another groomsman's plane to arrive. I think back fondly on our wedding day, but it's the marriage that I treasure, not the memories of a single day.

Haha you just described my own wedding almost exactly!. And it was 19.5 years ago and I was also 23!! I think our grand total was closer to $6,000 and we had to do a local honeymoon because it's all we could afford. And shockingly, despite all this we too are still happily married! Cheers!

 

[bethy]

You hit the nail on the head right there!

Totally!!!!

 

[georgina]

Very ironically..... My DH's much younger brother just left and just prior to his leaving we had been discussing this trend of wedding expectations. (after he left I came on disboards and THIS is the first thread I looked at!) Anyway, I was praising he and his new wife for their decision to have their wedding (last Sept) near-by so everyone could be present (not just those who were well enough to travel and could afford it-as with destination weddings) And at the reception they paid special honor to his and her parents and extra special honor to her very aged grandfather (who would have been left out of a "destination wedding" and actually passed away not long after).
My bestfriend's daughter got engaged recently and they are considering a "destination wedding" in FL. It will be very soon after our Sept WDW trip and so will be a tough *bill* to swallow paying for airfare, hotel and car rental (like another whole vaca) on top of the usual shower and wedding gifts immediately after shelling out for WDW. But I HAVE to attend regardless. DH says he will not attend (bc he thinks its ridiculous to expect guests to spend vacation-type $ just to attend a wedding) so maybe just DD and I will make the trip. --sigh--

OP I truly feel for you and your vent is totally justifiable IMO. I agree with many others here who suggest that your DH politely decline on the Alaska trip.

How nice for you that your family and friends all live in the same area! My DD is getting married where SHE lives, and many of her friends live. Other than the groom's parents, no other family lives in the area. In fact, they are scattered from coast to coast! So even though she is not having a destination wedding, a majority of the guests will be traveling, staying in a hotel, renting cars, etc. There is no way to avoid it. Actually I think a destination wedding with fewer guests sounds great, but then I am not a fan of big weddings in general.

 

[Forum Jumper]

OP, I want to hear how this story ends.

 

[donac]

My older son is getting married in Aug. Ds2 is best man. They are planning a destination bachelor party to Richmond Va from NJ. My older son's good friend and his two cousins live in the area so that is why they are going there. I think they are going to Washington and then do Williamsburg. Pretty tame compared to an Alaskan fishing trip

 

[mjkacmom]

How nice for you that your family and friends all live in the same area! My DD is getting married where SHE lives, and many of her friends live. Other than the groom's parents, no other family lives in the area. In fact, they are scattered from coast to coast! So even though she is not having a destination wedding, a majority of the guests will be traveling, staying in a hotel, renting cars, etc. There is no way to avoid it. Actually I think a destination wedding with fewer guests sounds great, but then I am not a fan of big weddings in general.

My sister had a destination wedding, because both sides of the families were scattered all over anyway (plus had smaller receptions where their parents lived for those who couldn't travel). I wish my niece did that - both sides of the family lived states away from each other, nowhere near where the bride and groom settled, so about 80% of the guests had to fly in, and their location would not be considered a destination!

 

[tvguy]

Oh, timely topic, less than 24 hours since my DS's wedding. There were several people who could not afford to take part in the Bachelor or Bachelorette party, or other things, no big did, everyone understood.
Yes, wedding costs have soared, but let's be honest, everything in life has gotten more expensive, just because sooo many things that didn't used to be necessities are now. Which may explain why sooo many people are on financial thin ice.

 

[Jing]

I organized a destination bachelorette party several years ago. It was an overnight to Nashville (3-hour drive) with a stay at Opryland to see her favorite group. Before I said one word, I priced out options for approval from 3 of the other bridesmaids. I would have loved to make it more spectacular, but with a single mom and struggling college student in the party (not counting the brides moh, her underage sister), this was what was reasonable for the time and budget.

But seriously, we would have had just as much fun doing a stay-cation on a Saturday. It's about the people you are with, not the flash and sparkle.

And as for OP, Alaska is not going anywhere. That trip sounds like a great vacation for the fellas once everyone is established and actually needs a break from responsibilities.

 

[crazymomof4]

How nice for you that your family and friends all live in the same area! My DD is getting married where SHE lives, and many of her friends live. Other than the groom's parents, no other family lives in the area. In fact, they are scattered from coast to coast! So even though she is not having a destination wedding, a majority of the guests will be traveling, staying in a hotel, renting cars, etc. There is no way to avoid it. Actually I think a destination wedding with fewer guests sounds great, but then I am not a fan of big weddings in general.

Yes, your DD's situation is different. In the case of both my BIL/SIL and my friend's daughter, the brides and grooms and their families are all from this area. So a wedding hundreds of miles away would truly be a "destination" for all involved!

 

[CandleontheWater]

I think an Alaskan bachelor party is insane (unless you actually live in Alaska!). That fishing trip sounds like it should be a once-in-a-lifetime type of trip. If the groom really wants to go that badly, he should be convincing his bride to be, because at that price point it should be a honeymoon type trip, not a weekend with the guys.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

No one should be surprised that this is the new norm.

Just look at Sweet 16 parties now. Or proms. Is it any wonder that weddings have gone over the top?

Locally, it is the norm to hire a photographer for the pre prom pics. The couple gets dressed up, her in a $1,000 dress. And off they go to the local park for pictures. After about an hour, they climb into the stretch limo and are whisked off to the prom. That doesn't count the gel nails and the hair appointment for the updo.

Sweet 16 means a new car. And not new to you. No, a brand new car.

By the time they are getting married, it has to be bigger and better than anything else that they have celebrated.

 

[cluvsdisney]

I think an Alaskan bachelor party is insane (unless you actually live in Alaska!). That fishing trip sounds like it should be a once-in-a-lifetime type of trip. If the groom really wants to go that badly, he should be convincing his bride to be, because at that price point it should be a honeymoon type trip, not a weekend with the guys.

That's exactly what I was thinking...$4000+ trip to Alaska is family vacation not a bachelor party.

I'm not against bachelor/bachelorette trips but they don't need to break the bank.

 

[kymom99]

No one should be surprised that this is the new norm.

Just look at Sweet 16 parties now. Or proms. Is it any wonder that weddings have gone over the top?

Locally, it is the norm to hire a photographer for the pre prom pics. The couple gets dressed up, her in a $1,000 dress. And off they go to the local park for pictures. After about an hour, they climb into the stretch limo and are whisked off to the prom. That doesn't count the gel nails and the hair appointment for the updo.

Sweet 16 means a new car. And not new to you. No, a brand new car.

By the time they are getting married, it has to be bigger and better than anything else that they have celebrated.

I would have to move

 

[AmazingGrace]

I've been married for about 100 years now and these packages and destination weddings weren't a thing. Dh and I were both active duty, so we handled our wedding between three states. When I picked my wedding party, it was understood that either they could afford it or they couldn't. I tried keeping costs down. Sent the girls the color for dresses and a basic style and had them get what they wanted and could afford. Lots of my people came from New Jersey and some cancelled because of lodging costs. Looking back, I would have had a small private wedding in Texas and invited everyone to a central location to PA and New Jersey for a reception that summer. I frankly hated all the money that was spent on one day and still feel a tad guilty about all the trouble people went through. We didn't really deserve it and it was one day.

 

[AquaDame]

Most people I know have rather low key weddings, but some do go all out. When that happens it is understood that the more expensive an activity you choose the fewer people will make it. I would decline politely and if they ask why just say you can't afford it.

We had a destination wedding - few people were invited since I didn't want to make it hard on anyone, and even then fewer attended and I understood. We didn't have a wedding party since I thought those who did pay to attend certainly didn't need any further expenses on top of travel costs. We did have a big reception when we got back and showed the video of the ceremony which everyone seemed to enjoy.

 

[Dizjunkieee]

Yeah - It is COMPLETELY ridiculous for the groom and best man to expect that much from anyone. Alaskan trips are EXPENSIVE! I would absolutely tell them you are unable to attend due to financial constraints. If for some reason, it is decided that if you don't go, and don't contribute to the Groom's portion of the trip, that you can't be a Groomsman, then so be it! I'm honestly flabbergasted that anyone would ask such a ridiculous monetary contribution of someone they supposedly hold very close to their heart. Just NO!

 

[jeepnjudy]

Just say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That is way over the top! As others have said, sounds more like a family vacation! Yikes!

 

[Lisa F]

never before have I been so glad to be over 40. This was not part of my world. Where are all of these people getting all of this money to blow by the thousands on a bachelor party? Is this what happens when the entitled generation grows up?