Relocation vent....

[DWhittles]

Just a thought - why do you have to go to the bank to get an ATM card. Call them and see if you can just order it by phone. I am happy for the progress you have made.

Because I'm not on the account now. I have to add myself to the account first and then get the card for myself.

 

[DWhittles]

My bank makes you fill out a form. I still don't understand why he has to go with you, Diana, if you are already on the account as you say, you can just go do it yourself.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask you some questions, since you said earlier your life is an open book here I hope you don't mind.

1. Tell me how you met your husband and what attracted you to him?
2. Was he overweight when you met him or has this just happened over the years?

I met him through a mutual friend at a gig his band was playing. He used to the singer for a swing band in NJ.
The first night we talked on the phone, he had me laughing so hard I peed in my pants.
When we first started dating, we clicked really well. I could just be me around him and not have to pretend to be some demure girly girl. I found that extremely attractive. He also made me feel like the center of the universe and that felt very very nice.
Nope, he's always been a big boy though since we've been married the two of us have put on weight.

 

[oogieboogie]

D, I'm so happy to hear that you're going to have access to the checking account. I'm the only one on our checking account, but DH has the ATM card too. However, it works for us since I work for the bank and the branch is right next door, if I need money I can just walk across and withdraw money. Each time I take out money I tell DH since he handles our finances too and every time he takes out money he tells me. I know your situation is a little different than mine which is why I'm glad you'll be able to have access to your money.

I think what's also important to remember is communications. Keep communicating with your DH. While having dinner, talk to each other. Tell him you would like him to give up 1 hour of his computer/video game day for you so that you can have some me time. \


Start by suggesting that he watches PJ for an hour while you take a nice long hot bath. That way you can have some me time but still be in the house if you're not comfortable with leaving PJ alone with him. Use an egg timer set for 60 minutes. Suggest to him that PJ be in a playpen or gated area and let him play there if your DH doesn't want to play with PJ.

Start with some small steps. Just a suggestion.

 

[DWhittles]

BTW,
I got a call from two seperate realtors today. Both have apartments for us to look at this weekend. One is in Jersey City Heights (VERY close to Hoboken) and the other is in Union City.
Both are 2 bedroom and one includes utilities and the other doesn't but it has a washer and dryer in the unit.
The rent is exactly the same as we are paying now...

 

[DMickey28]

To top that all off, he made dinner!

I am glad that he made dinner. At least that took one thing off your plate.. maybe he is trying. I hate to see you have to walk away from this.. I just want to see you and kids safe and happy.....

My DH is very stubborn and defensive. I have learned that "talking" with him needs to be done before it gets to the point of attitude and I have had to learn to cool my temper as well. Usually if he doesn't agree or see my point, it's only a matter of time that he comes around. My DH grew up with a single mom who worked three jobs and was super mom. He did not have a father figure in his life and had no knowledge on how a marriage is supposed to work. He sees where I come from and is very intimidated by it, but he is working on it and everyday he becomes a better husband. With practice and patients he will be an amazing father, but only because he wants to be. I wish you luck that your husband decides he wants to be a father because boys need their daddy....

I feel for you in the financial sense. Our account is in my name only, ironic since DH is the only one working right now. However, it is due to circumstances beyond our control and that we are working very hard to fight right now. It's frustrating for him but we have found ways around it. He has an AMEX he uses for most everything and I ordered a seperate ATM only card from the bank that he carries if he needs cash. I only have the Debit card... it works for us right now. Not ideal but works... I try to make sure and see how hard it is for him to not have access to his hard earned money *not that there is any left over anyway*!!

Good Luck Diana. I pray and hope things either get better. I get the feeling that maybe your discussions up to this point with your DH have been more out of angry and letting those feelings build up therefor putting him on the defensive. Maybe changing your approach as you did today will help him to come around. I hope that he makes the personal changes that he needs to in his life.... things will probably be a lot better if/when that happens.

Oh Isn't there medication for the falling asleep that he could be on???? I thought there was for that....

 

[DMickey28]

BTW,
I got a call from two seperate realtors today. Both have apartments for us to look at this weekend. One is in Jersey City Heights (VERY close to Hoboken) and the other is in Union City.
Both are 2 bedroom and one includes utilities and the other doesn't but it has a washer and dryer in the unit.
The rent is exactly the same as we are paying now...

Awesome.. go for the washer and dryer.. with two babies and not knowing how far the laundrymat will be....

 

[oogieboogie]

I'd go with the one with the W/D. You can cut back on utilities, but laundromat and 2 kids is not pretty!

 

[poohandwendy]

Both are 2 bedroom and one includes utilities and the other doesn't but it has a washer and dryer in the unit

I would go for the one that includes utilities. The added utilities of the other one could be a huge amount well above the cost of laundry (especially if it is an older unit). In desperate times, you can always wash kids clothes in the sink and hang them to dry in the bathroom...or you could call saturday laundry day and make your DH watch the kids while you get a few hours away. Sure, you will be doing laundry...but you can read a book in between loads..sans kids...

 

[Michie]

Just a thought, untreated sleep apnea can lead to depression ( so can lack of sleep) so maybe your DH is suffering from that. But then again I am not a doctor, so take that for what it is worth.

I know it is hard to get sleep with a baby, but even more so with a DH that snores so loud , so please get some sleep yourself. And if his sleep study shows that he needs a CPAP DO NOT LET HIM GIVE UP ON THAT. It takes awhile to get used to. I know that before my DH started using a CPAP I was the one tired and cranky, once he started using it, made a world of difference to the both of us. And the neighbors

 

[minniecarousel]

Just have to chime in on the sleep apnea thing as well. My oldest sister and oldest brother use the CPAP machine. I know with my sis - it made a huge improvement on her disposition! She was no longer sleepy & irritable all the time. People get used to the machine - my SIL says the low hum doesn't bother her - it reassures her that my brother is still alive!

Hang in there.

 

[Michie]

My DH snoring was so bad, that the kids thought there were monsters in the house. Could not get any sleep, unless I went elsewhere. Begged him for years to get something done, was so sleep deprived, that I fell asleep while driving. Luckily I was the only vehicle involved and wasn't hurt too bad.

Please don't let your DH take his sleep problems lightly.

 

[Hermosa11]

Whew!.............I skipped a few "pages"...........I don't have great insight for you, just that I feel for you. I hope that posting here helps you with advice and guidance. BABY STEPS. That's what you just needs to do. Baby Steps. You take baby steps to lose weight, move, anything! I love doing things in Baby steps. Do whatever you can to lower your budget. I'm sorry, but does your husband know your dad is paying for diapers, etc?
One (of several possible) reason for your husband does not want to watch his child is that it take ENERGY to watch him, which he does NOT have. He is 500#??? My DH is about 300# (give or take a few) and I see his lack of energy. He does have energy to do many chores though, but on the other hand I see his lack of energy. The weight is a factor that is for sure.
My husband went on his own for sleep apnea and is using the CPAP machine. I wish he would want to lose weight to not have use this machine, but what can I say. The machine helps him alot. I personally use ear plugs to not listen to the whoooshing sound and I love it (earplugs). You keep thinking of each step you need to take every day. Baby Steps. Bank account..............cable bill..............
later down the line talk about the game day. Your kids are gonna grow up to be older and SEE dad be the way he is. (if he continues to live with that weight!!) My kids are 19 and 17.5.................they SEE their dad with his 'issues'..............I really wish you the best. You started this thread about guidance about moving but maybe (??) you were wanting more advice? yes? No?..............

 

[katerkat]

In desperate times, you can always wash kids clothes in the sink and hang them to dry in the bathroom...

Dude, I've been reading way too long - I missed the "clothes" in this quote and thought PAW was suggesting she hang the KIDS up to dry. Sorry, it's late!

 

[Planogirl]

Dude, I've been reading way too long - I missed the "clothes" in this quote and thought PAW was suggesting she hang the KIDS up to dry. Sorry, it's late!

I did even worse. I saw "wash kids in the sink" the first time I read it. I'm tired too though.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I just got home and caught up with these posts. Whew! You have been given some good advice here. Please take the time to reread and ponder what has been said. Glad you are getting your name on the account. You need to take a serious look at the money situation. I added up what you said your bills were and based on the $3400 coming in and the bills you listed, there is $1071 that is unaccounted for. Granted that there are some other bills you have forgotten, but that is a lot of money to be unaccounted--where is it going? There should be enough for you to get clothes and to buy the baby supplies and even buy a pizza or two.

Please, please, please look at other birth control options! You do not need to add any more babies into this mix right now. I have read what other posters have said about getting your DH to help, but I think it really boils down to the fact that he told you he didn't want children! I don't mean to be harsh when I say that, but that is what you said early on and throughout the posts. It didn't magically change for him when they came and it may never change. He may have been happy with just the two of you. Maybe he was okay with the one baby, but now there are two. Yes, he got you pregnant but he thought you were on birth control that worked. Look into getting your tubes tied or using mutliple forms of birth control from now on.

I think you need to get rid of the dog as many have suggested, even though you don't want to. I know it is hard to get rid of a beloved pet (we had to do it in one of our moves), but sometimes it has to be done. You have 2 little ones to look after and if you would ever have to leave, it will be hard enough with 2 little ones without adding a dog in the mix. Find a good home for the dog-let the poster who offered help you or go to the bassett rescue.

Look at your finances and get rid of everything you don't need--cable tv, go to a cheaper internet, etc. You need to build up a savings account for "rainy weather" or you will really be in a bind if anything bad happens--dh loses job, major medical issues, etc. The perfect time to make these changes will be when you move to the new apartment. Hope you like the one with the w/d as that would be so nice for you to have in your house rather than taking 2 little ones and all the laundry to the laundromat. Also, if you have a w/d, you should do dh shirts and give yourself the $20 a week as your "fee". I know you will have to little ones, but you could do this when they nap or after they are in bed at night. Then you would have a stash to use as needed and to pamper yourself once in a while.

Again, good luck.

 

[stormi65]

Thoughts are with you and your son. Please get on the checking account. Sounds like he has you under his thumb, your name SHOULD be on the checking account, you should have an atm card.

In the NYC area are there any " Mother's morning Out" groups? I live in North Carolina and when my children were toddlers/preschoolers I signed up in a group at a church. The mother's took turns working it. This was about 8 years ago- but it cost 1.00 per week! That bought the children craft supplies, snacks, juice. It was a wonderful program. It would give you some "me" time.


Good luck

 

[robinb]

I have to chime in on the need for better birth control once you have this baby so you don't get pregnant again unless you want to. I would recommend an IUD. They are very safe now, very effective and there is nothing to remember. Talk to your OB. It's a shame that your DH didn't have time to bond with PJ before the prospect of another child came into the picture. I'm sure that 2 unplanned, unexpected pregnancies in such a short time threw a man who never wanted children into a loop. He may be punishing you for making him a parent twice.

Most of the advise here is right on. I just wanted to add one thing. While the new baby is still cooking for the next few months you may want to consider your husband's ability to care for your children v/s his desire. If you are really afraid that he will fall asleep and drop the baby or that his mental illness will cause him to snap and be a danger to the baby then by no means should you leave him alone with the kids. If that is the case, then I wonder if being with him is a safe place at all for your and your kids. If, however, he is using his medical problems as an excuse to get out of doing something he doesn't want to do then you need to start working with him to step up to the plate and be a parent.

You said that one of the reasons you fell in love with him was because "He also made me feel like the center of the universe and that felt very very nice.". It's time for you to be the Queen again to his King and have some of your needs taken care of. Start slow. Someone had a good idea about asking him to watch PJ while you take a bath. Start there. See how it goes. Next, go to the grocery store and leave him and PJ alone at home (caveats above).

{{hugs}}.

BTW, I want to say the PJ is one of the most adorable children on the DIS.

 

[poohandwendy]

Dude, I've been reading way too long - I missed the "clothes" in this quote and thought PAW was suggesting she hang the KIDS up to dry. Sorry, it's late!
__________________

I did even worse. I saw "wash kids in the sink" the first time I read it. I'm tired too though.

LOL, I am so misunderstood...

 

[Kermit]

I just started reading this post today. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

I'm not going to restate the good advice you've already been given. I will offer this, though. I'd get the apartment with the w/d. Or maybe the other one would be fine if it has connections for them and you can buy a used set yourself. The reason is that you can use cloth diapers. In fact, I'll mail you the ones that my younger DS has outgrown. You'll still need ones for Patrick, but you can get those on eBay. If you end up in a unit where you can have a washer and dryer, PM me. I'm serious. Cloth diapers are easy to change these days. They don't involve pins, and they don't leak. They're really easy to wash, and you don't have to dunk them in the toilet. We can afford whatever diapers we want, and I use them because I prefer them. At the very least, you need to be planning ways to raise these children as economically as possible.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Check your PM box, DWhittles. I send you some information that can help.