Relocating stress

[Immadismom]

DH and I got an Email last week letting us know that our landlord is selling our house at the end of our lease. We will need to be out by end of May. We had already planned to move at the end of this lease anyway. Our plan all along was to stay in our current town until all of our kids finished high school, then move to the mountains. DS graduates this month, and DH and I both work remotely 100% now. So the time is now here.

My struggle is this….DD is 19, and in college. However, she’ll be home for breaks and summer. And she won’t have any friends wherever we move to. She will have to find a new job. DH’s kids don’t have this issue, as they can choose to stay at their mom’s whenever they’d like, which is in our current town. But DD won’t have that option. And I’m so worried that she’s going to resent us for making this move now.

I keep telling myself that we can’t make all of our decisions based on DD who is now only home a couple of months a year. But I also don’t want to completely discount her feelings in this either.

 

[neverlandsky]

We're facing the same with a rental increase end of lease term that will price us out. We told both Oldest (adult) & Youngest that no matter where we live they will have free room & board until 21 years old/small rent due after the age of 21. Life is about moving forward and change. It's constant.

 

[Southernmiss]

DH and I got an Email last week letting us know that our landlord is selling our house at the end of our lease. We will need to be out by end of May. We had already planned to move at the end of this lease anyway. Our plan all along was to stay in our current town until all of our kids finished high school, then move to the mountains. DS graduates this month, and DH and I both work remotely 100% now. So the time is now here.

My struggle is this….DD is 19, and in college. However, she’ll be home for breaks and summer. And she won’t have any friends wherever we move to. She will have to find a new job. DH’s kids don’t have this issue, as they can choose to stay at their mom’s whenever they’d like, which is in our current town. But DD won’t have that option. And I’m so worried that she’s going to resent us for making this move now.

I keep telling myself that we can’t make all of our decisions based on DD who is now only home a couple of months a year. But I also don’t want to completely discount her feelings in this either.

Have you discussed this with your daughter? She may surprise you and not be as affected as you think.

With so many ways to keep in touch, the world is much smaller.

By 19, our kid's friends all started to scatter anyway as they took on adult things- jobs, military, college, growing apart.

Our 22 year old is now back at home and finding that few friends are here anymore, or their paths are different now anyway.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hope you will be ok with the abrupt change, even when you want to go it's stressful.

Is the new place very far or drivable far? Is there a reasonably priced hotel in the area for special situations like a big party or sporting event she usually attends? Might soften the blow if there is some sort of temporary compromise?

 

[Immadismom]

Have you discussed this with your daughter? She may surprise you and not be as affected as you think.

With so many ways to keep in touch, the world is much smaller.

By 19, our kid's friends all started to scatter anyway as they took on adult things- jobs, military, college, growing apart.

Our 22 year old is now back at home and finding that few friends are here anymore, or their paths are different now anyway.

DD hasn’t said a whole lot really. She said she’ll miss her two best friends, but that’s about it. One of her best friends goes To the same college as her, but they don’t see each other on campus much. They do ride home together for breaks, which is nice. That may change for sophomore year anyway.

 

[Immadismom]

Hope you will be ok with the abrupt change, even when you want to go it's stressful.

Is the new place very far or drivable far? Is there a reasonably priced hotel in the area for special situations like a big party or sporting event she usually attends? Might soften the blow if there is some sort of temporary compromise?

The new town will be about an hour and half away. So, it’s definitely drivable. But she’s used to staying out with her friends late, as it’s a quick 10 minute ride home. Now, it might be an overnight visit instead.

I really despise change, so I think that’s part of my apprehension. This is a move we’ve talked about for more than 5 years. I just didn’t expect to have such a hard deadline to be out when the time came.

 

[LuvOrlando]

The new town will be about an hour and half away. So, it’s definitely drivable. But she’s used to staying out with her friends late, as it’s a quick 10 minute ride home. Now, it might be an overnight visit instead.

I really despise change, so I think that’s part of my apprehension. This is a move we’ve talked about for more than 5 years. I just didn’t expect to have such a hard deadline to be out when the time came.

It's tough when the control is taken out of your own hands, sad it happened this way

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

DD hasn’t said a whole lot really. She said she’ll miss her two best friends, but that’s about it. One of her best friends goes To the same college as her, but they don’t see each other on campus much. They do ride home together for breaks, which is nice. That may change for sophomore year anyway.

I honestly mean this in the kindest way possible, but if they don't make time to see each other on campus much then this shouldn't be something weighing heavily on you. If the relationship was that meaningful they would be seeing each other more at college or perhaps the move will make them both put more effort into the friendship which is not at all a bad thing. Your daughter will be okay.

 

[disykat]

If she has close friends, she can stay over every once in a while to visit. If not, it shouldn't be that big of a deal.

We've actually had college students stay with us two different summers because their families (whom we were close to) had moved and they wanted to keep their job etc. in the old town. I worked at a National Park my first two summers during college and didn't live at home. Once I moved off campus I stayed in my college town and worked there. There are lots of options!

I think it would be a big deal if she still was finishing high school. My dad's family had to move his senior year of high school and he always had some feelings about it. But since she's finished with high school it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Now days, people can keep in touch so easily.

 

[HeatherC]

You may find that your daughter will actually wind up renting an apartment with friends or something and not actually come home for entire breaks. This is what happened with my daughter. She has an apartment with her friends and will be home for a few days at Christmas but not the entire break. Her lease starts in June so even the summer she will have her apartment. Lucky for us it is only an hour away so we see her a ton anyway. But I do find they start to spread their wings a lot more around 19-20.

Best of luck with your move!

 

[robinb]

You may find that your daughter will actually wind up renting an apartment with friends or something and not actually come home for entire breaks. This is what happened with my daughter. She has an apartment with her friends and will be home for a few days at Christmas but not the entire break. Her lease starts in June so even the summer she will have her apartment. Lucky for us it is only an hour away so we see her a ton anyway. But I do find they start to spread their wings a lot more around 19-20.

Best of luck with your move!

My daughter did the same thing. Once she moved out for her junior year she never came back home. She's now 22 and moving to Colorado for the ski season. I moved away to college and moved into an apartment with a 12-month lease when I was a sophomore. I never came home except for a few days. I had flown.

@Immadismom, I wouldn't take my 19-year old daughter's desires into account in this case. She will not resent you because she is starting to have her own life now. If she wants to see her "towny" friends on breaks, she can go there and stay with them for a few days. Go ahead and follow YOUR DREAM and move to the mountains. She will understand.

 

[StephMK]

We moved 1000 miles away last year during our youngest's freshman year of college. My oldest had already moved that way after college and the other 2 were at college long distances from home.

Sometimes I feel a tiny flash of guilt for disrupting them but I am overall so happy and no regrets. I know my kids miss their buddies but my son has flown twice to see his crew.

The kids are kinda bummed about having no local friends but I don't get a sense of resentment from them. The middle is graduating college in May so who knows where she will decide to end up.

My oldest who chose to move with her now husband, is still best friends with the core girls from HS. Others have drifted from their circle but 4 are still close. One actually moved to the same city, 5 years after my DD moved there.

It was a long term plan for us too and so happy we did it, despite all the stress. Go for it, life is too short not to fulfill a dream that sounds like is lining up already.

 

[Immadismom]

Thank you to everyone for the encouraging words. This is what I really needed, is to hear from folks who have been in similar scenarios and the kids survived Without resentment.

I do think that DD will likely stay in her college town for breaks at some point. But for her freshman year I’m confident she’ll come home for summer. So this year will likely be the hardest.