Relationship Struggle

[Lynne M]

Where does that leave us as as a couple if we don't present a united front, maybe with the hopes of forcing some changes in her outlook & behavior.

But that's the thing - you can't force a change in an adult's outlook. Maybe, just maybe, you can force a change in behavior, but that will nearly always lead to resentment.

My DBFs daughter & my nephew made the decision to date each other. We were away on a family vacation to WDW & they came home as a couple. They tried to keep it a secret but we knew something was up. Neither of us were happy or comfortable with it, we sat them down together to let them know & the proverbial **** hit the fan. DBFs ex wife actually did everything she could to support their relationship knowing it was causing us turmoil. She allowed him to move into her home. We sought professional help at the time to help us decide how to approach them. In our eyes, this was a family relationship & did not seem to make sense for them to pursue. The relationship is now over to the best of my knowledge but all of the hard feelings remain. I can get over the fact that she chose to date my nephew, but she is unwilling to with me.

This is the key to the whole situation. She's never forgiven you for this. There's a very good chance that she never will. It wasn't a family relationship to her, because you're not part of her family. You're her father's girlfriend. You and your boyfriend may consider each other family, and that's great and good and lovely, but that relationship only extends to other people in his family if they choose to see you as family. She doesn't.

I know the situation is unpleasant, but you can't make someone like you or respect you, and right now, she doesn't like or respect you. I think "civil" is the best you can hope for.

Yes, the way your boyfriend is handling it is awkward. If I were him, I'd stop trying to patch things up and just lay it out to the daughter. "You don't have to love her or even like her, but she's my partner, she's not going anywhere, and you do need to be civil. Your refusing to be around her is making things awkward for the whole family. " Hopefully, you can get to the point where she shows up at family events and nods politely in your direction, then talks to other people.

 

[Positive]

NOW it all makes sense! If I understand, you and your BF went to a counselor so you would have a handle on how to approach his daughter about her relationship with your nephew, yes? (not that you took the daughter and nephew to a counselor... I am a tad confused by a prior post, but think I have it correct).

Your BF's daughter is holding you responsible for her own relationship break-up, and possibly her parents' as well. She's not going to get over this for awhile, so now it's a question of how you and your BF handle her reactions. I'd talk to your BF and tell him that you understand why his DD is upset, and while you are willing to not engage directly with her (as in, the 3 of you won't make plans to have supper together or whatever), you would like to come up with a plan together (you and your BF) on how to handle family situations, or what to do when the DD drops in unexpectedly. He needs to see that it's unfair to you, to expect you to vacate the premises, sit out extended family events, etc. He also needs to realize that his daughter is an adult, and he needs to treat her that way instead of as a little princess... and I have no idea of how to make THAT happen.

OP, you are in a tough spot because, as you and your BF aren't married, aren't legally obligated to a lease together, you really have no legal "hold" or status on your relationship. I guess what you really have to hash out, personally and with your BF, what standing you DO have in his life, and where this relationship stands. I hope it all works out for you, happily.

Yes, you have it right! I am worried that her mother has exaggerated & elaborated (lied) about how her father & I met. I wonder if this was to try to "get her on her side" early on after they divorced? I really don't think it is ever a good idea for a parent to treat their young child as a friend & confidante, enlisting them in their own personal vendetta, but that is what she has done. Not to elaborate on our romantic beginnings, but it was a super slow process. I had been single for many years, simply raising my son as a single mom. I wanted to get that right, so I probably neglected my personal life in a very big way. I didn't date at all, I hardly ever went out with friends, etc. I worked & took care of my son.
I hope it can work out for us too, so thank you. I am willing to compromise, work at it & be understanding. I simply cannot feel like I am an afterthought or getting benched because plans with DD trump our own. Does that make sense?

 

[Positive]

AH HA! There it is.

OP YOU are source of the "leak". Your BF is telling his dd the stuff you are saying.

I will lay money on it.

Haha! You will lose your money, sorry- not true!
Of the 2 of us mystery machine, I know him better & that is not what's happening.

 

[Positive]

OK, I will try.

BF is going to "tailor" answers to make himself look better to his dd because his dd wants nothing to do with you.

It happens in these situations. So he will work hard to make sure you guys do not talk.

ACTIONS and BEHAVIOR are what you focus on, not words. Maybe that will explain where I am coming from.

Or to sum up, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Ok, this rings truer to me than calling him a liar. If our relationship was to end today, I would never refer to him as a liar. He is actually the most honest & honorable person I know. What I can imagine happening is the details being left out of conversations. For instance, if his daughter was to say something negative about me, it would not be relayed to me, even if I wanted those details. His effort to not make her look bad.
So far the actions/behavior I would want from him are not meeting my expectations.

 

[Poohlove]

OP how do you not think that source of the contention is important to figuring out how to fix the matter at hand? You need to know why a tire is flat in order to fix it properly. After all, a slow leak from a hole would be fixed differently from your sidewall blowing out. Maybe instead of trying to plug the hole you should get a new tire.

You posted here looking for advice and that is what is being offered by the well intentioned community here. If you were looking for non responsive catharsis may I recommend getting yourself journal.

 

[Pink Partridge]

He is actually the most honest & honorable person I know.

What is honorable about not taking you to family functions after being a couple for almost two decades? What is honorable about dismissing plans he has with you in order to spend time with someone that talks trash about you?

I do not ask this to make you feel bad. I truly think you are emotionally beaten down. You don't know that this is wrong. He is not honorable. He does not treat you well and he sits back and watches his daughter treat you like dirt. There is no honor in this. He does not choose you. Don't you see that?

Why don't you think you deserve better than this? YOU DO!

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

As I mentioned, I left it out because it was old news & when I posted last night didn't know if anyone would even respond to me. The trouble at hand is that there is tension between us & I guess at this point it doesn't matter the cause (It's like if you have a flat tire, who cares how it got flat... it just did). My struggle is with my DBF & how he now deals, or actually doesn't deal, with supporting US as a result of these circumstances.


At the time, I had legal guardianship of my nephew, I had previously adopted his 2 sisters & his adoptive parents did not want to contend with the challenges. To us, even though there is no blood relation, it was a family relationship. My DBF & I decided together to speak to them after consulting a professional therapist. It was a calm conversation to bring points to their attention that they may not have thought of for the future. We were not thrilled, but we also did not forbid them seeing each other.

I think there has been a lot of confusion in this relationship, not just between you and your boyfriend but referring to it as a family relationship to your boyfriend's daughter and nephew when you have never lived together as a family. It appears that you though of yourself in a step mother role in some cases but not generally.

At this point I would suggest partaking in couple's therapy to try to figure out your roles in this relationship and whether it's worth saving.

 

[Positive]

OP how do you not think that source of the contention is important to figuring out how to fix the matter at hand? You need to know why a tire is flat in order to fix it properly. After all, a slow leak from a hole would be fixed differently from your sidewall blowing out. Maybe instead of trying to plug the hole you should get a new tire.

You posted here looking for advice and that is what is being offered by the well intentioned community here. If you were looking for non responsive catharsis may I recommend getting yourself journal.

I am appreciating every response here & responding to many. It doesn't mean I agree with every person' opinion. I really am very grateful for all of the responses. I am actually a super private person. I don't know anyone in my personal life with real life experience contending with a similar situation which is why I asked here. With regard to me & my DBF, I guess I am hoping for a slow leak that can be plugged vs a sidewall blowout. I love him & respect him, but at times I am feeling resentful of him not hearing my concerns. & I'm no nag either, so it's not like it's all gloomy dark clouds with me squaking at him constantly.

 

[Dumbo777]

She's young- you're an adult- This situation sounds like a time where it would have been wise for you to take the high road, be the adult, and not escalate the situation. Instead you called her a brat and things got ugly.

Honestly, an 18 year relationship that hasn't progressed to marriage or living together...I don't really know what to say.

Yes she maybe young, but she should at least have manners.

 

[Skywalker]

OP you seem fixated on blaming "the mom" for everything, but I doubt she is really behind it all. Clearly with the nephew we have an example of issues in your relationship that didn't start because of the mom. What has your relationship with the daughter been like all these years? Were you ever close? What other things have happened between you all that could cause resentment? Because I don't think you will ever fix the issue if your default position is always going back to "your mother is mentally ill and poisoned you against me". I think you should look deeper than that.

 

[tzolkin]

So I guess I've been put in a similar situation, almost being forced to choose between my DD and my wife...which is a horrible choice to have to make. But in the end, a husband and wife (legally or otherwise) need to make each other their top priority no matter what. Children grow up and go on to lead their own lives. We give them the best guidance we can, but can't live their lives or make their choices for them. My wife does not come in second to anyone. I will accept any consequences, even profoundly sad ones, that may come from that. May not like it, but I will never compromise my relationship with my wife.
.

This is essentially what I was going to post. Especially when OP mentioned that their relationship is just as committed as any marriage.

I love my children unconditionally, but my relationship with my husband is more important than my relationships with anyone else.

I can imagine that there would be much more tension between one’s commitment to their spouse/partner and their children if the children are not shared. And, I truly do feel sad that the OP is in this difficult position. But, ultimately, I don’t think there is much hope for this relationship if her partner does not start to put her needs and feelings at least on an equal footing with his daughter’s.

So, if I've got this right, you were so upset by dating between his daughter and your nephew - who are legally no relation at all -

I can't get past why you thought you should interfere with this relationship. Quite frankly I think you had no right at all to meddle and make a big deal out of it.

If I’m understanding the OP’s situation correctly, she has custody of her niece and nephew. So, we are really talking about her child (not some distant relative) and her partner’s child having a relationship.

I will agree with the OP that’s a bit off. And I would think that most people would have an issue with essentially step-siblings (whose parents had been together since they were very young) dating (especially seriously enough to be living together). To me, step-siblings for 18 years would be considered a familial relationship.

 

[PollyannaMom]

If I’m understanding the OP’s situation correctly, she has custody of her niece and nephew. So, we are really talking about her child (not some distant relative) and her partner’s child having a relationship.

I thought she adopted her two nieces, and that the nephew had grown up elsewhere?


From post #7 -
"I have never been married. I had a son my freshman year in college & was lucky to have a very supportive, loving family. I concentrated on being a mom for many years & didn't date until I met my now BF. It was a slow process getting used to dating, introducing him to my son, etc. Years later I adopted my nieces, then aged 2 & 4 when their parents could no longer raise them."

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

This is essentially what I was going to post. Especially when OP mentioned that their relationship is just as committed as any marriage.

I love my children unconditionally, but my relationship with my husband is more important than my relationships with anyone else.

I can imagine that there would be much more tension between one’s commitment to their spouse/partner and their children if the children are not shared. And, I truly do feel sad that the OP is in this difficult position. But, ultimately, I don’t think there is much hope for this relationship if her partner does not start to put her needs and feelings at least on an equal footing with his daughter’s.






If I’m understanding the OP’s situation correctly, she has custody of her niece and nephew. So, we are really talking about her child (not some distant relative) and her partner’s child having a relationship.

I will agree with the OP that’s a bit off. And I would think that most people would have an issue with essentially step-siblings (whose parents had been together since they were very young) dating (especially seriously enough to be living together). To me, step-siblings for 18 years would be considered a familial relationship.

This isn't a step sibling relationship though. The OP and boyfriend have never lived together and she doesn't refer to the boyfriend's daughter as a step daughter. The relationship has never been there between the two. Calling the cruise a "family trip" doesn't make it so.

 

[Nancyg56]

Because your boyfriend chooses his daughter over you. Because your boyfriend goes to his sister's house and doesn't invite you. Because your boyfriend doesn't want his daughter (who treats you like garbage) to move far away from him. He wants her close. He allows her to treat you poorly and wants to keep her close. She is an adult. He needs to start expecting adult behavior from her.

I feel very sad for you. 18 years and you aren't allowed to go to family gatherings. That is not normal. It is very mentally abusive.

Bingo! I am so sorry. OP, but from the outside lookign in, @Pink Partridge has it right. I have no idea why you are satisfied with this relationship, but you know this is not a normal healthy relationship. You are in a closet, hidden away if the more important people in his life do not want to deal with you. I can tell you that if my husband (we dated 12 years, I get long relationships) ever placed anyone above me, or if I put anyone above my husband, our marraige would be over.

I have chosen to stay away from functions that my husband has had to attend, but not because he woudl ever ask me to, or worse, not include me. If he was not willing to have me by his side, he would get his wish....

Neither I nor my DBF is a liar. I posted here looking for some catharsis & insight into a part of my life. I will say, that it is tough to get all the nitty gritty details out & when I posted last night, I didn't know if anyone would even care to respond to me.
I will be glad to explain what happened a couple of years ago to allow more info.
My DBFs daughter & my nephew made the decision to date each other. We were away on a family vacation to WDW & they came home as a couple. They tried to keep it a secret but we knew something was up. Neither of us were happy or comfortable with it, we sat them down together to let them know & the proverbial **** hit the fan. DBFs ex wife actually did everything she could to support their relationship knowing it was causing us turmoil. She allowed him to move into her home. We sought professional help at the time to help us decide how to approach them. In our eyes, this was a family relationship & did not seem to make sense for them to pursue. The relationship is now over to the best of my knowledge but all of the hard feelings remain. I can get over the fact that she chose to date my nephew, but she is unwilling to with me.

Oh jeez....no wonder she is over you. She is not going to get over this, and it has nothing to do with her Mom badmouthing you. You get to decide if you want to be a part of a relationship that is incredibly one sided, playing second fiddle to his daughter, and at some stage third, forth etc to his grandchildren. This is never going to be your family, and he is never going to be your champion.

 

[Positive]

What is honorable about not taking you to family functions after being a couple for almost two decades? What is honorable about dismissing plans he has with you in order to spend time with someone that talks trash about you?

I do not ask this to make you feel bad. I truly think you are emotionally beaten down. You don't know that this is wrong. He is not honorable. He does not treat you well and he sits back and watches his daughter treat you like dirt. There is no honor in this. He does not choose you. Don't you see that?

Why don't you think you deserve better than this? YOU DO!

You are not making me feel bad, I opened myself up to this seeking advice, so thank you.
Your words make sense to me, although I don't feel emotionally beaten down.
I have told him that it makes me feel less important to him when these moments happen & I am not included in plans. I am not someone with low self esteem either. I do realize the fact that we do not share a home plays a role in how he can compartmentalize. I can envision how much more complicated it would be if we lived together. If I was ever asked to leave because DD was coming over, I would leave - forever.

 

[Shanti]

At this point my issue is with HIM. Neither of us can control how his daughter feels about me, but imo he can show me support by insisting that his daughter show basic manners to me when we are togother.

Yes, your issue is with him. Very much so. That is what you are really upset about, and there is reason to be upset. His actions basically make clear that he doesn't consider you to be a family member. His lack of a marriage proposal after 18 years of being together makes that clear, too. So does the fact that you don't live in his home.

You say you don't care about marriage, but what you're really upset about here is not being given the respect that a wife would deserve. You can argue all you want about how a long-term relationship should be respected as much as a marriage, but in the real world we live in, it isn't.

This situation is hurting you. That's why you reached out with your post. I recommend taking a serious look at this relationship, and consider if it's really worth spending the rest of your life with a guy who won't publicly commit to you and insist that you be treated with the same respect as any member of his family.

You might choose to stay, but if you do, it should be with the awareness that you're choosing to not try to find someone who truly wants you to be part of his family, and considers you worthy of a public and permanent commitment.

Imo you deserve more. You say your self-esteem isn't low, but self-esteem is unconscious and it drives our behaviors. Your behaviors here indicate that you don't really think you're worthy of more, or that you're able to get a better relationship.

 

[design_mom]

If I’m understanding the OP’s situation correctly, she has custody of her niece and nephew. So, we are really talking about her child (not some distant relative) and her partner’s child having a relationship.

At first, I thought the same... but I think her son is her oldest child. Her two adopted nieces are younger (teens/tweens). So the nephew is a totally different player and not part of the 'family unit.'

 

[Mizzoufan]

OP is there any chance he's seeing someone on the side?

 

[Positive]

This is essentially what I was going to post. Especially when OP mentioned that their relationship is just as committed as any marriage.

I love my children unconditionally, but my relationship with my husband is more important than my relationships with anyone else.

I can imagine that there would be much more tension between one’s commitment to their spouse/partner and their children if the children are not shared. And, I truly do feel sad that the OP is in this difficult position. But, ultimately, I don’t think there is much hope for this relationship if her partner does not start to put her needs and feelings at least on an equal footing with his daughter’s.






If I’m understanding the OP’s situation correctly, she has custody of her niece and nephew. So, we are really talking about her child (not some distant relative) and her partner’s child having a relationship.

I will agree with the OP that’s a bit off. And I would think that most people would have an issue with essentially step-siblings (whose parents had been together since they were very young) dating (especially seriously enough to be living together). To me, step-siblings for 18 years would be considered a familial relationship.

I have a son, adopted my 2 nieces (my DDs) & took legal guardianship of my nephew when he was about 14.
When I met my DBF I had 1 child, through all that happened with custody, courts, adoptions, life changes, etc, my DBF was supportive & understanding- not once but twice when I had to step in for my nephew. These kids were all raised “together” not in the same house but immersed in each other’s lives nonetheless. We were not happy about the dating thing but moved pass that fairly quickly figuring it would fizzle which it did.

 

[Positive]

OP is there any chance he's seeing someone on the side?

I guess anything is possible, but I strongly doubt it. I have never had “that feeling” that you can’t shake when your SO is straying. This has never been an issue or concern.