relationship rant!

[FigmentKid]

I don't know if anyone else feels this way but I feel like my DBF and I are never taken seriously as if just because we aren't married we aren't a REAL couple. It's hard for me to put this into words but I feel like we don't get respect from older friends/family that we're actually a stable relationship that's likely to last on for many years... it's as if people just assume that this is fleeting and at some point in the future we won't be together anymore. Well, maybe we won't but you know these days being married doesn't even mean you'll be together forever! We have been dating, exclusively and seriously, now for three and a half years and have been living together for exactly two years. We are both 22 and marriage is just not on the horizon for us because that isn't important, we aren't in a hurry and we're stable enough as it is. We are completely self sufficient, and I feel very mature for our age. He is self employed, and I have recently graduated from college and already started my career and supporting myself. Why does everyone still act as though we're just kids playing house! Only in about the past month have my parents kind of got the hint and started inviting him to family events... but honestly, my brother is 26, has been dating a girl on and off for about a year and it's as if they are already married in my parents eyes! When planning vacations together, or when thinking about things like buying a pet together we get comments like "well, you don't even know you'll still be together by then..." or "who's going to get the rabbit when you break up?" Will I get these comments for the rest of my life if we decide we don't ever want to be married? Neither of us is religious and marriage just seems like an unnecessary expensive ritual right now. Are we going to have to get married just to gain respect from friends and family?

I know there are people out there who have decided marriage just wasn't necessary and have spent many years as a serious couple, how do you deal with comments from other people? Do you feel like you need to prove to people that your relationship is just as serious as marriage?

Argh, thanks for letting me rant... DBF and I are planning a vacation for Jan/07 and this has come up a couple of times when I have told people.

 

[southernbella]

I don't know if anyone else feels this way but I feel like my DBF and I are never taken seriously as if just because we aren't married we aren't a REAL couple. It's hard for me to put this into words but I feel like we don't get respect from older friends/family that we're actually a stable relationship that's likely to last on for many years... it's as if people just assume that this is fleeting and at some point in the future we won't be together anymore. Well, maybe we won't but you know these days being married doesn't even mean you'll be together forever! We have been dating, exclusively and seriously, now for three and a half years and have been living together for exactly two years. We are both 22 and marriage is just not on the horizon for us because that isn't important, we aren't in a hurry and we're stable enough as it is.

I think your comment about marriage being not important says it all. If you don't take your relationship seriously, why do you expect everyone else too? You say that being married doesn't mean you'll stay together. Well, it's much easier to walk out when you are not married. Divorce is not somthing that you can do quickly. I'm not trying to flame you because I felt the same way you did BEFORE I got married (lived with DH for 2 years). But, it is more that just a piece of paper. It's like having kids, it's hard to explain to someone that hasn't been there yet. But, yes, you do get much more respect when you are married. You are showing the world that you are commited and can't just walk out the door with no reppercussions.

That being said, if you are happy, why worry about other people? You can't change how they feel, but you can hold your head up high if you are doing what makes you happy. Sbella

 

[barkley]

def. dont get married if either of you has any hesitations-marriage is whole different ball game from living together (if only by virtue of how you are treated by other people).

i think alot of people view couples who reside together outside of a marriage by virtue of their own morals and values. while it's become a fairly common thing in the area i live in, my mother and people of her generation still consider it to be "shacking up" and with the exception of a couple living together while engaged with a SET wedding date (though some area churches will no longer marry a couple that resides together unless they move into separate dwellings for 6 months prior to the wedding), they would largly frown on it.

i lived with dh prior to becoming engaged and my mom while i'm sure was not happy about it did recognize in him fine qualities and chose to include him in invitations to family events.

i personaly don't have a problem with a couple being married or not (with the exception of hetrosexual couples who choose to have children-my personal belief is if you are commited enuf to bring a child into the world you should be first commited enuf to take the legal steps to marry)-i just get concerned with the legalities of co-mingled funds and property, and health care issues. a domestic partner does not have the same legal rights as a spouse regarding assets that have been aquired during the relationship. a domestic partner (unless specific paperwork has been drawn up) has no say in health care decisions for their partner should a life threatening accident or illness occurs.
sadly, there have been situations wherein one person's family has been "great/wonderful/treats you like a member of the family" until something dibilitating (or a death) occurs-then the remaining partner with no legal voice is left without right to the home they've resided in, the assetts they've worked to accumulate....i would just advise anyone in the sitution to have everything either kept completly separate (financial/health wise) or get good legal documentation of the arrangement.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I think your comment about marriage being not important says it all. If you don't take your relationship seriously, why do you expect everyone else too? You say that being married doesn't mean you'll stay together. Well, it's much easier to walk out when you are not married. Divorce is not somthing that you can do quickly. I'm not trying to flame you because I felt the same way you did BEFORE I got married (lived with DH for 2 years). But, it is more that just a piece of paper. It's like having kids, it's hard to explain to someone that hasn't been there yet. But, yes, you do get much more respect when you are married. You are showing the world that you are commited and can't just walk out the door with no reppercussions.

That being said, if you are happy, why worry about other people? You can't change how they feel, but you can hold your head up high if you are doing what makes you happy. Sbella

I agree 100%.

 

[almacdonald]

FigmentKid, I feel your pain! I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years and have been living together for 3.

I don't like when people give us the "living together before marriage is bad" BS. We definitely know we're compatible! He's the best room-mate I ever had!

We've been on plenty of trips together, Victoria, Las Vegas, Toronto, Disneyland, DisneyWorld (in 11 days) and there will be many more. There's a better chance that we will still be together when a future trip rolls around than some married people!

We have pets, not pet, petS! A dog, a cat and fish. They are our babies! And they will probably die before we break up.

I hate the reaction I get when I say "boyfriend", it's like it's an unimportant relationship. Like at work, I had to take a holiday day to take him to the hospital for knee surgery because he's "only a boyfriend". Other people who have to take their "wives" to a doctor's appointment are told to "just go."

Anyway, long story short. Good for you for doing what makes you happy. And, (this is where i'd put in a smiley sticking out its tounge) to people who have a problem with it!

 

[California Girl]

Marriage is serious. That's why people view it that way. Sounds like you have issues with your brother's relationship receiving more positive recognition than yours. If I meet a couple that lives together and a couple that is married, I think that the married couple is committed and the cohabiting couple isn't. I would think people still have the right to disapprove of something they don't believe in. Perhaps your parents don't approve.

 

[FigmentKid]

I hate the reaction I get when I say "boyfriend", it's like it's an unimportant relationship.QUOTE]

I feel the same way, I don't really know what to call him because I dislike the connotation "boyfriend" has. Thank you for the support, almacdonald! And the picture of your dog in your signature is adorable!! We have two bunnies, they are our babies!

Thanks for all the opinions, it's giving me a much better understanding of this issue. I was hoping to get both sides of the issue in the replies so I can also understand WHY people would treat us differently as well as get support from others who may be in the same situation.

 

[hiwaygal]

I'm not sure how much of the issue is really your relationship and how much is your age.

From the perspective of your parents, you are quite young...recently graduated from college and "just starting" your life...who knows where the world will lead you? At 22 I never expected to be where I am now...knocking on 40's door. So many things can change...and I think that may be what your family is more "uncertain" about. That doesn't mean that you and your DBF don't have a solid, lasting, committed relationship. And the more time you spend together will only prove that to your family.

Yes, there are many couples who choose not to marry, for whatever reason...but my guess is, to some extent, your family sees your choice not to marry as a smart move "to keep your options open." Only time can change that, and you've got lots of that!

 

[FigmentKid]

Perhaps your parents don't approve.

Not the case, my parents and I have very good communication and we always tell each other when we don't approve of life choices. Also, I was a complete dependent the first year he and I lived together, I doubt they'd pay for a living arrangement they don't support! My father and he are good friends, always "talk shop" together and my mother and I have "girl talks" about him often. Add that to the fact that they lived together before marriage and I'm willing to bet they don't have a problem with it. Oh, and my brother and his girlfriend reside together at the moment too. I'd guess it has more to do with him being on the way to 30 and the fact that I will always be the baby of the family.

Thank you for your response, I don't mind when people disapprove of my lifestyle, I mind when they lecture me or make snarky comments. <--Edit: Did not intend this to mean YOU were doing either of these things... simply responding to the fact that you said people are allowed to have their own opinions. I agree with you!

 

[salmoneous]

Unfortunately, if you want people to treat you like a married couple, you really have to get married. Getting married isn't just having a big expensive party and then living together. It involves making a spiritual and legal commitment to each other. You guys haven't done that, and people aren't going to treat you the same as people who have.

Not saying that is right or wrong, it's just the way it is.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I lived together with my BF, now DH. My sister lived with her BF, now DH for 9 years and my 1 brother lives with a girl.

My other brother did not and they are divorcing.

Perhaps they say that because they get a "vibe" from you two?

Do you make the critical mistake of sharing personal info with family when you and your BF have trouble, like asking for advice? That is one that you should avoid if you do.

Examine what you tell them and see if it is leading to them making those comments.

 

[disykat]

Although I realize some people live together long term, I don't consider living together the same as being married.

I honestly don't get it. I thought the whole point of living together was to share a life, but maintain independence. If you want people to act as if you are married, why not get married?

If you've been dating someone several years, living together or not, and your family just started inviting him to family gatherings - you've got more problems than whether or not you're married,IMO. It sound's like your family needed time to "resign themselves" to your relationship. I think your age probably has a lot to do with it.

 

[mickeyboat]

Unfortunately, if you want people to treat you like a married couple, you really have to get married. Getting married isn't just having a big expensive party and then living together. It involves making a spiritual and legal commitment to each other. You guys haven't done that, and people aren't going to treat you the same as people who have.

Not saying that is right or wrong, it's just the way it is.

I agree with this. Even if you have made the spiritual and emotional commitment to one another in private, a married couple holds themselves out to society as commited. Without the public agreement, people can't really take you seriously as a forever couple. It seems silly that a simple ceremony could make such a difference, the emotions should make the difference, but historically, the ceremony was the line of demarkation - so everyone knows you are really serious.

Denae

 

[FigmentKid]

If you want people to act as if you are married, why not get married?

Hmm. I don't want people to act as if we're married. I understand there is a large difference between marriage and living together, I do not think of us as married. I have many personal reasons for not getting married, I simply want people to respect the fact that this is my choice and it doesn't mean that I take our relationship lightly, I don't plan on this relationship as being temporary.

Pehaps age is simply the issue and I just need to wait it out, but I still wanted to rant because this is the way I feel today.

 

[RadioNate]

I think your age has a lot to do with it. I don't know of many people who met their life partner in HS/early college. I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I just think that people look at 2 22 years olds in a committed relationship differently than they do 2 30 year olds.

I lived with a guy at 22 but didn't marry him. I don't think I ever really saw us getting married. Like you said, it just wasn't important.

Looking back, after marriage and children, we were just playing house. Sure we were committed to eachother at the time but without making a commitment to marriage we were keeping our options open.

I did move in with my DH before marriage but not until we were engaged and I was completely independent of my parents.

I just think your parents (and elders in general) are looking at your situation through years of experience. If you want their respect, show them that you are in a comitted, loving relationship and work towards marriage.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Perhaps they say that because they get a "vibe" from you two?

I was wondering the same thing. We all know some couples that for whatever reason don't appear to get along or to be compatible. Not saying that's you but it could be how your parents are seeing you. That could explain why they seem to expect a break up in the future.

Another reason for them to anticipate a break up is your age. You may feel very mature and settled for your years but be assured, you will go through many changes in the next 5 to 10 years. I would never have believed at your age that I'd be the person I am today. Your 20's are full of change and upheaval. Many times that means letting go of relationships because you've grown apart. I haven't spoken to my BFF from high school in 20 years. I had a boyfriend at 22 that I lived with. I begged him to marry me. I was positive I'd be happy forever with him. I'd have been widowed and jailed by now because I'd have killed him eventually Besides, I'd have never met Dh and that was the best thing that ever happened to me. My guess is that your parents give your brother and his SO more respect because of their age.

Even taking out all other possible factors, not actually being married IS seen as less of a commitment. Maybe it's not fair but that's how it is. I have an aunt who has lived with her SO for over 25 years. But he's not Uncle Steve to me, he's still my aunt's boyfriend. There is still the sense that he doesn't respect her the way he should because he's never married her. And they still don't seem like a "real" couple. Like someone else said, if you want to be treated like a married couple you'll have to actually be a married couple. Remember when you were 13 and you wanted to be treated like an adult but your mom said you had to ACT like an adult first? Same principle.

Marriage isn't about a piece of paper and an expensive party. The gown, flowers and cake are the wedding. The marriage starts after the party is over. It's about taking physical, emotional, spiritual and legal responsibility for each other. It's about making a public declaration of commitment so strong that you are willing to give one another rights that no other person can hold. It's about holding that commitment to the highest possible standards and it's about giving your entire being to the good of the relationship. Marriage is about forever. Living together is about today. It may not seem fair but that's the way it is.

 

[laura001]

Unfortunately, if you want people to treat you like a married couple, you really have to get married. Getting married isn't just having a big expensive party and then living together. It involves making a spiritual and legal commitment to each other. You guys haven't done that, and people aren't going to treat you the same as people who have.

Not saying that is right or wrong, it's just the way it is.

I totally agree with this. If you want to be treated as if you are married, you need to be married. If you want to be treated as if you have a boyfriend (commitment or not), then that is what you have by having a boyfriend.

It would be like someone saying they are a nurse (because they know a lot about first aid or have taken care of someone very ill etc.), yet they aren't because they don't have the schooling and the piece of paper that says they are a nurse.

All in all, it still doesn't mean you are wrong for your choice but don't expect to be treated as if you are married.

 

[beckmrk04]

I can commiserate with the op.

Before dh and I were married, we had been together for 4 years- lived together for 3 1/2. We always went to family gatherings/all holidays together.

But- people still treat you like your feelings for each other are wishy-washy. In our case, we just couldn't afford the wedding and honeymoon we wanted right away, and we were in college. For us, it had nothing to do with commitment- just timing.

And yet, at dh's grandparent's 50th Anniversary party- my now SIL and I were excluded from the gift from the grandkids, because "it's not like you're married." She and I were really hurt- everyone knew we planned on getting married- but until we actually walked down the aisle, I guess it didn't matter.

So we bought our own present from just the two of us, since shacking with the grandsons didn't count.

You just have to take it all in stride. You and your BF know your situation better than anyone else. If you aren't ready to get married- for WHATEVER reason- kudos to you for recognizing that and taking your time and realizing what a serious commitment marriage is! That doesn't mean that your commitment now isn't serious; it just has a lot less legal repercussions in the event of a break-up.

Keep on planning your trips and doing whatever you want to do! And if other people want to take time out of their day to worry about what you're doing, let them worry.