Received a large check

[lustergirl]

Payback: cash the check

 

[Andtototoo]

First of all, is it large enough that you'd have to claim it on your taxes and pay taxes on it?

If so, then I'd probably just send it back. Not worth it.

If not, then I'd probably put it into my kids' college accounts. Or failing that, I'd donate it to Wounded Warriors or an abuse victim's shelter.

 

[morgan98]

First of all, is it large enough that you'd have to claim it on your taxes and pay taxes on it?

If so, then I'd probably just send it back. Not worth it.

If not, then I'd probably put it into my kids' college accounts. Or failing that, I'd donate it to Wounded Warriors or an abuse victim's shelter.

The recipient of a gift does not need to report it as income on their return. The giver of the gift is responsible for reporting the gift (if it meets the threshold) and any gift taxes.

 

[Oreo Cookie]

If you wanted to send the check back you can. Your husband's father would be able to re-deposit the cashier's check back into his account. The father would tell the cashier that he didn't use the funds as planned, and the cashier will write on the check "not used for purposes intended." It doesn't matter that it's not a regular check, you still have the ability to refuse the funds and send it back.

I think your husband needs to give you a little feedback on the situation. Will it make him uncomfortable knowing the money was used to buy something or fund an account? Only you two know the best way to use, or not use, the money. I don't know if by accepting the check it opens some type of door for this man to try and get into your lives.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[shoney]

I would cash the check!

 

[mefordis]

So my DH had a very physically abusive childhood. His dad walked out when he was 13 and while they struggled to even have enough to eat , it may have been the best thing for them. He and one other sibling managed to find success and happiness in life, while the others struggle with substance abuse, law enforcement issues, losing their children etc.
Dh's father called last year (after nearly 40 years) and apologized and my DH was cordial, accepted apology on the surface but hasn't responded to any other contact.
Dh 's father was a soldier and dh knows he had mental health issues which contributed to his abusive behavior, but it doesn't mean he wants him in his life.
So we got a Christmas card today, with a large (and random) amount in the form of a cashiers check. DH doesn't want to deal with it, and told me to do whatever I think is right with it.
I don't believe DH's father has this kind of money to give. If it were a regular check, we wouldn't cash it, and would have written a note to let him know.
I imagine it is another way for DH'S father to try to establish contact and to apologize. For my DH this just opens wounds.
I certainly could find use for the money, either for our kids or some charity, but perhaps there is some cause or something where it could also bring my dh some peace. Also wondering about an appropriate way to respond to DH's father. I know he is older now and has many regrets, but some wounds can't be healed, at least enough for a relationship.I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to encourage him either.

There is always strings attached where money is concerned. I wouldn't take the money unless I wanted him back in my life.

 

[mefordis]

The recipient of a gift does not need to report it as income on their return. The giver of the gift is responsible for reporting the gift (if it meets the threshold) and any gift taxes.

This is so strange that it works this way. So, if I gave each of my kids 20k, I would have to pay taxes on everything over 14k (which I think is the limit of a gift annually)? I would be taxed on 12k of the gifts?

Thanks for clarifying!

 

[North of Mouse]

There is always strings attached where money is concerned. I wouldn't take the money unless I wanted him back in my life.

No, there isn't! I can attest to that. My dad sent each of us children a check later in life and we all took it in the spirit it was intended and it didn't change any of our relationships - except it was a general softening. The past is the past, and can not be changed, but there can always be forgiveness and acceptance in your heart that can take a load off. He passed long ago, but we have no regrets now in how we treated him.

My dad had few words, but this gesture spoke volumes, and the hurt would have been terrible had we not accepted this gesture. It was in our power to hurt, but what kind of person would that have made us?

I say, take the check, send a note of heartfelt thanks, and move on with life. It won't mean the past did not happen, and hurt, but neither side can change what happened, but we 'are' responsible how we respond to an act of 'reaching out' by those that may have wronged us.

 

[morgan98]

This is so strange that it works this way. So, if I gave each of my kids 20k, I would have to pay taxes on everything over 14k (which I think is the limit of a gift annually)? I would be taxed on 12k of the gifts?

Thanks for clarifying!

No, there is a lifetime exclusion that everything over the annual exclusion can eat into so to speak. However, you need to file gift tax returns to document the fact that you are eating into the exclusion. Unless you have a very large estate, gift taxes are really irrelevant for most people anymore.

As a CPA, however, it is one of my pet peeves when someone posts that because you receive a gift from someone, it goes on YOUR income tax return.

ETA: I am talking in generalities here and do not mean for this to be tax advice.

 

[Bec3b1g]

I would not cash it.

I, personally, don't equate giving money with making amends for childhood abuse. What would be appreciated is a heartfelt apology--that would further the relationship, not a random check in the mail.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I would not cash it.

I, personally, don't equate giving money with making amends for childhood abuse. What would be appreciated is a heartfelt apology--that would further the relationship, not a random check in the mail.

The OP said that her father-in-law apologized last year

Dh's father called last year (after nearly 40 years) and apologized and my DH was cordial, accepted apology on the surface but hasn't responded to any other contact.

 

[cijay]

So my DH had a very physically abusive childhood. His dad walked out when he was 13 and while they struggled to even have enough to eat , it may have been the best thing for them. He and one other sibling managed to find success and happiness in life, while the others struggle with substance abuse, law enforcement issues, losing their children etc.
Dh's father called last year (after nearly 40 years) and apologized and my DH was cordial, accepted apology on the surface but hasn't responded to any other contact.
Dh 's father was a soldier and dh knows he had mental health issues which contributed to his abusive behavior, but it doesn't mean he wants him in his life.
So we got a Christmas card today, with a large (and random) amount in the form of a cashiers check. DH doesn't want to deal with it, and told me to do whatever I think is right with it.
I don't believe DH's father has this kind of money to give. If it were a regular check, we wouldn't cash it, and would have written a note to let him know.
I imagine it is another way for DH'S father to try to establish contact and to apologize. For my DH this just opens wounds.
I certainly could find use for the money, either for our kids or some charity, but perhaps there is some cause or something where it could also bring my dh some peace. Also wondering about an appropriate way to respond to DH's father. I know he is older now and has many regrets, but some wounds can't be healed, at least enough for a relationship.I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to encourage him either.

It's entirely up to your husband. Cash the cheque (and who doesn't need cash?) but consider it's going to open the door and he's the one who will have to set boundaries with this dad. Send it back and he's entitled to close the door on his dad forever.

 

[The Princess]

Cash the check!!

 

[Nancyg56]

It is not as easy s it sounds when we suggest that the OP cash this check for her husband. Her husband really needs to think this through and then decide how he wants to handle this gift. My husband was estranged from his abusive mother for years, When we married 24 years ago, she gave him bonds that she had bought for him throughout his growing years. We still have them, uncashed. He just does not want the money nor does he want us to profit from it. Okay. I respect that. We got more that I added to the pie after his Mom died. hey burn a hole in my pocket, but not his

When Mom died, he was given an inheritance, and it was horrendous for him. He knew he was entitled to this money but to him, it was truly blood money, and cashing that check was not easy. I left his decision to him, and it took several months for him to decide how to handle it. In the end he di deposit it in the savings account and then withdrew it to pay for a very nice very expensive Disney trip to the Grand Floridian for the family, but he did not go. He really wanted o part of this money. We did make sure that it got back t his ratty sister that the money was used to pay for his wife (me) and HER family and friends vacation. That would frost her corn flakes! LOL!

OP_ let your husband think this through, and make sure that he decides how to handle this money. It may be a check, but it does symbolize something very personal to him, and if you take the decision from him, even though he wants to abdicate from making it, you may find that he is upset later. There is no rush to do anything, let the check sit, give him time to consider the ramifications of cashing or not cashing it, and if he needs to talk to an outsider, let him. My husband discussed this with my daughter, and she was objective enough to let him work it through with him, while I was not.

 

[Poohforyou]

Op, that money isn't going to change your husband's past but it could change some child's future. Unless you truly need the money I'd recommend donating it to a local organization that helps high risk kids.

 

[Kogo Shuko]

It sounds like the father had some serious problems during his past because of his career path. If he had PTSD I would donate the money toward a charity that helps veterans deal with PTSD. Or like others have said, I would donate it to another charity that helps veterans in other ways. Afterward, I would send a card indicating that is where the money has gone. Hopefully that money could help another family from living through what your DH lived through...

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

I had a similar situation, I wouldn't accept money for myself but I did accept for my two children's college fund.

 

[nkereina]

How do you know the check isn't fraudulent? There are lots of scams around involving genuine looking cashier's checks.

This is where I thought OP was going with her post when she said her DH's father doesn't have that kind of money to give. But I'm assuming the check is valid? If it's a cashier's check, the father won't know if/when it's cashed. So you could very well cash it an do what you please with it, while still avoiding contact with him if that's what everyone wants. If you think your DH really wants to stick it to him, then you could send the check back to the father uncashed. I would think that would be huge dig to the father and may prevent him from making future contact. I think the amount of the check would depend on what I would do here.

My best friend's father is estranged from her family and there's a lot of bitterness because he left while her mother, who has since died, was going through cancer treatments. My friend has not spoken to him in nearly 12 years now, even though he was a relatively good and "normal" father for the first 18 years of her life. Every Christmas, he sends her a check for a couple hundred dollars. She cashes it every year, but still will not speak to him.

Good luck, OP!

 

[sk!mom]

My inclination would be to mail it back with a polite but formal note.

However, as someone who has a DH with a similar background and seeing the various ways he and his siblings handled it as adults, I agree with those who say that even though your DH doesn't want to- he has to decide what to do. It's the only way to be sure that he is comfortable and can live with the decision.

Is it possible that he's telling you to "do what you want with it" because he senses that you would like to keep it?

If he's established an emotionally healthy life that a relationship threatens then I wouldn't want to do anything that hinted to his father that a relationship is possible or further contact is welcome.

 

[nkereina]

The recipient of a gift does not need to report it as income on their return. The giver of the gift is responsible for reporting the gift (if it meets the threshold) and any gift taxes.

This is so strange that it works this way. So, if I gave each of my kids 20k, I would have to pay taxes on everything over 14k (which I think is the limit of a gift annually)? I would be taxed on 12k of the gifts?

Thanks for clarifying!

Not sure if it varies by state, but there is an annual gift threshold of about $14,000 that you can gift to someone. If you gift someone more than that in one year, that person DOES have to claim it on their income tax however they will NOT be taxed on it unless they have received in excess of $5 million gifted to them in their lifetime. The lifetime gift exemption threshold is around $5 million (and some change) so as long as a person does not exceed that in their lifetime, they will not be taxed on gifts.

I just went through this when my grandparents gifted me more than the annual limit for a house purchase. I had to report it but did not receive any tax implications. I do have some money against my lifetime limit now, but never expect to exceed that $5 million limit!