Received a large check

[pocomom]

So my DH had a very physically abusive childhood. His dad walked out when he was 13 and while they struggled to even have enough to eat , it may have been the best thing for them. He and one other sibling managed to find success and happiness in life, while the others struggle with substance abuse, law enforcement issues, losing their children etc.
Dh's father called last year (after nearly 40 years) and apologized and my DH was cordial, accepted apology on the surface but hasn't responded to any other contact.
Dh 's father was a soldier and dh knows he had mental health issues which contributed to his abusive behavior, but it doesn't mean he wants him in his life.
So we got a Christmas card today, with a large (and random) amount in the form of a cashiers check. DH doesn't want to deal with it, and told me to do whatever I think is right with it.
I don't believe DH's father has this kind of money to give. If it were a regular check, we wouldn't cash it, and would have written a note to let him know.
I imagine it is another way for DH'S father to try to establish contact and to apologize. For my DH this just opens wounds.
I certainly could find use for the money, either for our kids or some charity, but perhaps there is some cause or something where it could also bring my dh some peace. Also wondering about an appropriate way to respond to DH's father. I know he is older now and has many regrets, but some wounds can't be healed, at least enough for a relationship.I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to encourage him either.

 

[Patch'sD]

Cash the check and spend it on the kids. They missed not having a grandfather for so many years. You don't have to say where it came from. As long as there are no strings attached. it's past dues.

 

[weeniecat2442]

maybe donate the money (in his name) to a veterans hospital or organization that helps veterans that come home and are looking for treatment, a job etc. Print something out that names that organization and has a description of what services they provide to soldiers that need help and mail that to him.

i had something similar happen once with someone i dont allow in my life anymore but she occasionally tries to get back in with money. she sent me a check for christmas and a picture of a family member. i did write a thank you note for the picture but returned the check to her. it's always a tough spot to be put in

 

[hereyago]

You could spend some on kids,donate some to theUSO or Wounded Warrior?project.

 

[3Gsandme]

It's guilt money and the fact that it is a cashier's check is purposeful.

Your husband needs to decide what to do with it, really. Does he want to keep the money or sent it back. It's really his blood money, so to speak. He suffered for it. If he wants to keep it and let you spend it, that's one thing. If he doesn't want to keep it, he needs to say that so there aren't bad feelings associated with it or for what you do with it. I understand why he wants to wash his hands of it, but you both now it's a loaded issue and he really needs to give a little bit to you so you can make this decision together.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

His father is trying to make amends. My opinion is to be charitable and accept the money. It doesn't make up for what he did, but to throw it back in his face kind of is mean-spirited. Your husband doesn't have to use any of it personally, but using it for your kids is a good idea. If it is substantial can you invest it for further education for them? If your husband is opposed, or it makes him uncomfortable, you don't need to use it for personal items.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I'm not as proud as some. I would be cashing that check in a heartbeat.

 

[Flight]

An opportunity to help others suffering or in need. That is where I would send the money. It has been mentioned supporting organizations to help those in the U.S. military. Not a bad idea.

 

[Tiffylv]

.

 

[wenrob]

I'm not as proud as some. I would be cashing that check in a heartbeat.

Same. As someone who has fantasized about taking my mother to court for never paying any kind of child support to my dad I'd have no problem cashing a check like that. Probably spend it all my kids but I wouldn't feel any trepidation about cashing it.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Since all of that happened so long ago, I would cash the check and spend it on something your family would like. Merry Christmas!

TC

 

[DanceswithDisney]

How do you know the check isn't fraudulent? There are lots of scams around involving genuine looking cashier's checks.

 

[trip]

Cash it and put it in your kids college fund.

 

[MrsDuck]

Cash it - spend it or save it.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I would make sure it's genuine, then put half of it into a college fund for your kids, and donate half to charity.

 

[NewRVLady]

I would put into an account for kids college

 

[eh24fan]

Cash it, spend it on something fun for your family and move on. I certainly wouldn't worry myself to death over what to do with it. It's a gift and unless you anticipate some sort of strings attached to it, I'd thank him and make sure my family benefited from it.

 

[Snowflakey]

Cash it and maybe plan a family vacation. Disney maybe? Your DH deserves this.

 

[morgan98]

I agree with the others in that I would look at it as payback for the lack of a father your DH suffered through. Please do not think I am saying that money makes up for an uninvolved or abusive parent. However, if this is the father's way of saying I am sorry I would not argue about it.

It really does need to be your husband's decision, as I am sure receiving the check was a shock and is probably stirring up a lot of emotion. However, unless I was VERY financially comfortable, I most definitely think I would keep it and put it to good use.

 

[maddiel]

If you choose to cash it, I think you should be careful about donating it or spending it right away. If his father is elderly or in poor health needs some kind of care in the next few years, the money may have to be returned or accounted for for him to obtain benefits. That would be messier than dealing just with a gift cheque.

M.