Really torn on adopt a family

[arminnie]

Of course I am judgemental in deciding where to contribute. There is so much real need out there - just giving to anyone who asks is crazy.

I will go with my gut feelings. My gut tells me not to give to strangers over the internet, beggars on the street, preachers on TV, or anything that just feels like a scam.

I'm not going to make 100 excuses why this person might really need something that I am getting an "odor of scam" off of. It is just too easy to give money where I KNOW it will be used to help those in real need.

I personally don't give a darn about helping a teenager feel "like they fit in". One of the most important things a person can learn is to be their own person - not to be a lemming.

 

[badblackpug]

I think in this case returning this family's card is wrong because no one is saying "I'm sorry, I can't help this family because it is not within my financial means." In this case the OP and others are saying don't help this family because they don't deem them "worthy" of their help.

I just don't think it is fair to pass judgement based on some minimal information on a christmas wish list. Could they be scammers or just greedy? Sure. ...but it is equally as likely that she is a mom that fell on hard times. The point is that no one knows the whole circumstance.

 

[cornflake]

I think in this case returning this family's card is wrong because no one is saying "I'm sorry, I can't help this family because it is not within my financial means." In this case the OP and others are saying don't help this family because they don't deem them "worthy" of their help.

I just don't think it is fair to pass judgement based on some minimal information on a christmas wish list. Could they be scammers or just greedy? Sure. ...but it is equally as likely that she is a mom that fell on hard times. The point is that no one knows the whole circumstance.

I don't think anyone is saying no one should donate to them, but that the OP, if not comfortable donating to them, should return them so that someone who is comfortable, can do so and the OP can find a family they ARE comfortable giving to.

The information on the list is all there is - and it has to inform the OP about the situation because it's what they're asking for.

 

[AmandaNied]

Last year, my work adopted a family. Our whole department chipped in and the family was gifted with about $500.00 worth of gifts and stocking stuffers (3 kids), mother and father were gifted some items and we gave them a side of beef and the fixings for Christmas Dinner. This year our contact through the United Way casually mentioned that we shouldn't wrap the gifts, because last year the family complained because they really wanted some socks and they didn't get any, and didn't know it until Christmas morning.


I still feel confused about the situation and honestly our department wasn't sure if they were going to do another one....

 

[AverageDiser]

Our community has completely done away with the angel tree concept altogether. The area charities have banded together and started a Christmas Store about 6 yrs ago. Families must apply, showing proof of income, that the child(ren) are enrolled in school, and a driver's license or ID. They also have to sign a statement that they have not and will not apply to any other organization for help. Each is assigned a shopping time, and children are not allowed at the store. Parents can choose 2 outfits, pajamas, a coat, hat and mittens, and socks and underwear for each child, as well as getting a certain number of "points" to shop for toys with. The toys range from Barbies to craft kits to board games, max value prob around $30 or so. They also have new and refurb bikes & helmets. They can also choose a few stocking stuffers, hygiene items, and household goods- ie pots & pans, blankets, coffee makers, etc. Each family also gets a food box, paper towels, and toilet paper. By combining the resources of all the agencies, they are now able to serve 300-400 families per year. No family that meets the income limits is turned away. I'm not sure why more areas haven't started using this model, it truly does work.

As far as kid's wish lists go, I always think it's funny people expect low income children to request things like socks, undies and toys under a certain dollar amount. It's probably the one time a year they can shoot for the moon, and truth be told, most would prob be happy to receive one specific item they asked for. If they aren't, I put that on the parents for building up expectations. My dd knows she can ASK Santa for anything she wants, but it doesn't mean she'll get it. When I see her list I also prep her that Santa may not be able to bring the $100 dollar chemistry set because he has so many children to bring gifts to and it's expensive to make all those toys. I also agree with the pp's who have mentioned the kids may already have the gaming systems/computer, etc. DD has a wii (from my mom), an american girl (from my aunt), a netbook (from her other g'ma). We have a $50 yard sale computer & my mother pays for us to have dial-up. I start Christmas shopping in July, and will save up for one big ticket item (big ticket being in the 50-75 range). You truly never know the circumstances.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Meh, I think if I drew a family with big $$ items like xbox games for all the kids, food, and pizza maker, I'd be looking for another family to host. It's supposed to be about giving someone (ie KIDS) a nice Christmas, not about spending $500 on another family.

I just can't see dropping that much cash on another family. Maybe it's just because money's tight around here, but I don't think so. What does it say about people that they aren't only ready and able to stick their hands out, but stick out both like that? Sorry, but it seems greedy to me.

If your kids want preemo stuff then let them ask for ONE item and YOU back off. Don't ask for clothes, pizza makers, expensive video games oh and throw in about $300 worth of food for everyone too.

I think people in this country think they have a right to whatever they want and they don't. You want something, go out, earn the money and pay for it. No one is owed nice stuff. People have nice stuff because they work for it. If nothing else, send down a good work ethic to your child.

 

[luvmy3]

To me it is because when you are charitable it is without judgment and speculation on their life and making assumptions regarding what they should or should not be doing or what they are "allowed" to ask for. You do it because you are willing to help not only when they ask for what you personally deem as practical enough or economical enough to be "OK". I don't say "I will donate food but only generic store brands because you should be grateful to get it". That is what this seems like to me.."how dare you ask for something nice..be grateful to get low end/basic items".

As for the big deal over a pizza maker..just checking out Amazon and found them for $22-40. Is that such a huge gift? Maybe Mom was thinking the kids would enjoy having pizza as ordering it often is likely a luxury and she would be able to make it for them. Obviously there are some that run higher than that but there are plenty of different ones under $40.

But I have to wonder why this mom gets to ask for a gift at all, and then something frivolous like a Pizza maker and a piece of jewelry. Sorry, but that is a huge turn off to me. I have no problem helping kids out at Christmas or feeding a family but I draw the line giving frivolous gifts to parents. As a mom I'm happy with homemade gifts from my kids, so when I see a parent asking strangers for Christmas gifts it seems like a gift grab. In our family we don't even exchange gifts with siblings, because as adults we focus on the kids. I as a parent will always do without to make sure my kids have something under the tree, and if I am ever in a position where I need to rely on the kindness of strangers to help me, I would definitely go without. That is what I use to judge what family I'll give to.

When my dd was in Girl Scouts we were helping some local families out for Christmas. It wasn't a family, it was a generic list for kids ranging in ages from young to 21 Of course the 21 year old was asking for things like a laptop, printer, wii, etc. After seeing that I decided that we would not be donating at all through the GS, we would do our own thing. There are people who truly need help to make the Holiday special for their kids (and sorry you don't need to do that to a 21 year old adult), and there are people out there who are scamming the system, or taking advantage of people's kindness. When we decide to give, we get to decide who we think better fits our criteria, and we have to go with our own instinct. Some people are perfectly willing to just give, and some aren't. Neither way is wrong.

 

[tlbwriter]

Last year, my work adopted a family. Our whole department chipped in and the family was gifted with about $500.00 worth of gifts and stocking stuffers (3 kids), mother and father were gifted some items and we gave them a side of beef and the fixings for Christmas Dinner. This year our contact through the United Way casually mentioned that we shouldn't wrap the gifts, because last year the family complained because they really wanted some socks and they didn't get any, and didn't know it until Christmas morning.


I still feel confused about the situation and honestly our department wasn't sure if they were going to do another one....

We wrap the gifts but then identify each item with a sticky note so the parent will know what the kids have received.

 

[focusondisney]

What does it say about people that they aren't only ready and able to stick their hands out, but stick out both like that? Sorry, but it seems greedy to me.

If your kids want preemo stuff then let them ask for ONE item and YOU back off. Don't ask for clothes, pizza makers, expensive video games oh and throw in about $300 worth of food for everyone too.

I think people in this country think they have a right to whatever they want and they don't. You want something, go out, earn the money and pay for it. No one is owed nice stuff. People have nice stuff because they work for it. If nothing else, send down a good work ethic to your child.

IMO: A self proclaimed SAHM with 9 kids who needs to take charity for Christmas gifts for her kids is not entitled to jewelry for herself. Give me a break. A mom who previously worked & became disabled or who otherwise fell on hard times would most likely not identify herself as "enjoying being a SAHM." If you choose to be a SAHM of 9 without adequate funds to do so, it's just that. Your choice. Other people are choosing to get their butts out of bed at ungodly hours of the day & night to support & provide for their families.

And if that is your choice to stay home , then explain to your 9 kids: we can't have those things, because we choose to have Mom stay home with the family. Just like I had to explain to my kids when I couldn't attend this or that event for them: I can't attend because we choose for me to work so we can live in our home, pay for your computer, video games, vactions, toys etc.

I work in the inner city & the majority of the people I see did not just fall upon hard times due to the recent economy. NY state has a very generous welfare package & most of these people were born in the system & continue to stay in it. They know all the organizations & places to hit up for handouts & yes, they go to as many as they can. Maybe I'm jaded, but I've seen it first hand for too long not to be.

OP, there is no way I'd give to that family. Your idea to give to a family from your child's school sounds much better.

 

[richmond282]

Meh, I think if I drew a family with big $$ items like xbox games for all the kids, food, and pizza maker, I'd be looking for another family to host. It's supposed to be about giving someone (ie KIDS) a nice Christmas, not about spending $500 on another family.

I just can't see dropping that much cash on another family. Maybe it's just because money's tight around here, but I don't think so. What does it say about people that they aren't only ready and able to stick their hands out, but stick out both like that? Sorry, but it seems greedy to me.

If your kids want preemo stuff then let them ask for ONE item and YOU back off. Don't ask for clothes, pizza makers, expensive video games oh and throw in about $300 worth of food for everyone too.

I think people in this country think they have a right to whatever they want and they don't. You want something, go out, earn the money and pay for it. No one is owed nice stuff. People have nice stuff because they work for it. If nothing else, send down a good work ethic to your child.

I agree with this totally. It is one thing for kids to make a wish list of things they want, but for mom to request stuff is a bit much. This reminds me of an angel tree tag I saw a few years ago for a 6 month old baby girl who "requested" diamond earrings. Yeah, right.

 

[kellyg403]

You don't know under what circumstances they got these systems. This puts me in mind of my sister. She was married and had 2 kids. One day her husband decides to up and leave, clearing out the bank account and taking the car, to go live with his girlfriend, who was pregnant. My sister was working as a nurses aide (not great money) and going to school full time. Her (now ex) husband has never paid one dime in child support. For a while she was just barely scraping up enough money a month to keep my nephew in daycare, pay the rent and utilities, and keep the kids fed. There wasn't extra money for clothes, new shoes, or toys. ...but guess what? The kids had a game systems. They were bought in better times, and she, certainly, wasn't going to sell the kids toys because other people thought that such things were too fancy for her. She applied for public aid. They granted her $35 a month in food stamps. Her kids were still kids, they still wanted the things other kids had, or things they saw on the TV that were "cool." My sister was fortunate, she had family to help her. She didn't have to have her life scrutinized by a bunch of strangers because her children had the nerve to act like regular kids.

I will agree that we don't know the actual circumstances of this family and how they are able to be in possesion of these systems. There was a time in my life that I was single with all 6 kids living at home. There were some tough times in there while I was waiting to receive my child support and even help with medical expenses. I didn't qualify for much aid. Not because I made to much but my darn car was less than 5 years old. Really. The point is my kids did have gaming systems and even a computer. When my sister's kids didn't want something or upgraded, they gave them to my kids. My bil is a computer programmer and when he came across a decent computer he could fix for us to use for fun/school work he got it and gave it to us. We were very blessed in that area. The point I guess I am getting to, if family is helping you by giving you certain things they are probably doing a lot for you at the holidays as well. I never believed it was right to ask for MORE help if my family helped me make sure my kids had a Christmas. Sure it wasn't everything it had been in the past, but my family made sure one thing they wanted we found a way to get. So, in my mind if your family is helping, there is no need for a person to ask for high dollar high end things for Christmas. I actually don't really feel like they should ask for much at all. Christmas isn't about Wii's and Xbox's anyway. IMHO. Its great there are charities out there for people who have no support whatsoever. But if you do have support within the family structure, let someone who doesn't benefit.

Kelly

 

[marcyinPA]

Here's the thing ... if you don't ask, you don't get. I am sure a lot of these families figure that it doesn't hurt to ask for name brand items because they might get them. Mom likes the $200 coat so she asks for it ... doesn't mean she's going to get it but she runs a better chance by putting it out there than just saying "I want a coat". It was worth a shot to ask for the better one. At the very least, she's probably hoping someone looks at the $200 coat and attempts to find a similar one for less.

Asking for Burts Bees lip gloss over just plain, generic lip gloss or for an A&F hoodie over a Hanes hoodie is a way for kids to "fit in" and be like everyone else. Especially when most of them are being shunned for being poor and not having those things. Most kids with nothing have a difficult time fitting in and feel that if they have these name brand things, their peers will include them and see them differently. It's want of fitting in at school and among peer groups.

Remember ... these kids didn't ask to be born into struggling families. They just want to fit in among their peers and be like everyone else with the name brand hoodies, lip glosses, t-shirts, etc. for once in their livels. It's Christmas and probably the only opportunity they will ever have of receiving something that might make them feel like the other kids.

I agree with you, especially on the bolded. It is not easy being a kid today. Our society has made it very difficult, with all the name brands and technology, and ads bombarding our kids every single day telling them what they NEED. And poor kids are not immune to this, just because they are poor. They are bombarded with the same messages as any other kid.

When I was 11 years old, my parents were struggling financially. We had a house to live in, but my father worked 18 hours a day just to pay the basics. I wanted a pair of white leather Nike sneakers with the red swoosh. I wanted them SO badly. My parents could not afford them, and I ended up with Thom McCann sneakers. I felt so left out. My friends were wearing Nikes and Jordache jeans, and I was wearing K-mart. My parents didn't request or receive any help from organizations, but if they had, and someone had purchased me a pair of Nikes, I would have been OVER THE MOON.

I try to keep this kind of stuff in mind when I purchase for kids off of our giving tree at church. Most of the tags have requests for pajamas, and clothes, and sheets and blankets. Many have requests for toys. And most are not brand specific. I picked a 14 year old boy who wants a skateboard, a Walmart gift card, and Axe spray. I will get him a nice walmart gift card so he can buy a skateboard, since I have no idea what kind of skateboard he would want. The girl I picked wants clothes, and I will buy her name brands (Aero or something...) because that is what is "in". Why shouldn't she have a little bit of happiness just because her family is suffering?

 

[Help Please!]

I am a teacher...the guidance counselor at our school chooses families every year at our school that are in need of assistance. She posts the kids (male/female and ages) on a plastic tree, and employees choose kids to buy for. Last year, my husband and I purchased about $50 worth of clothes for a girl at my school, and the year before we bought a guitar for a 6th grade boy. We don't know who the kids are, but since I teach all of them, I have a pretty good idea. Each year, we try to fulfill every wish, but with the economy, I'm sure that the tree will be overloaded.

OP, i would suggest contacting a local school and seeing if they have a program like this. Families do not "sign up" for this program, rather they are contacted by our guidance counselor if she knows they are in need. Each child asks for one "want" (game, toy, etc.) and 1 need (coat, pants, etc.) and it is done so well. This is a great way to ensure that items are going directly to local kids who need help!

 

[kellyg403]

I don't think anyone is saying no one should donate to them, but that the OP, if not comfortable donating to them, should return them so that someone who is comfortable, can do so and the OP can find a family they ARE comfortable giving to.

The information on the list is all there is - and it has to inform the OP about the situation because it's what they're asking for.

I agree. If the OP is uncomfortable participating, that is also her right. I don't find it judgemental, just the that the OP's version of helping is not Xbox games etc but more in the line of warm clothes, blankets etc.

I understand also posters wanting the kids and teens to have something that helps them fit it. But, sometimes that isn't feasible for not just the charity but the people who donate personally. I have never had specific requests when my group has picked a family. So I have not had to deal with looking at higher end stores on purpose, but I have had a couple teens on the list and had my dd come along to help with choosing things that were in style within the budget. Hopefully the teens appreciated it or liked it.

Kelly

 

[badblackpug]

I will agree that we don't know the actual circumstances of this family and how they are able to be in possesion of these systems. There was a time in my life that I was single with all 6 kids living at home. There were some tough times in there while I was waiting to receive my child support and even help with medical expenses. I didn't qualify for much aid. Not because I made to much but my darn car was less than 5 years old. Really. The point is my kids did have gaming systems and even a computer. When my sister's kids didn't want something or upgraded, they gave them to my kids. My bil is a computer programmer and when he came across a decent computer he could fix for us to use for fun/school work he got it and gave it to us. We were very blessed in that area. The point I guess I am getting to, if family is helping you by giving you certain things they are probably doing a lot for you at the holidays as well. I never believed it was right to ask for MORE help if my family helped me make sure my kids had a Christmas. Sure it wasn't everything it had been in the past, but my family made sure one thing they wanted we found a way to get. So, in my mind if your family is helping, there is no need for a person to ask for high dollar high end things for Christmas. I actually don't really feel like they should ask for much at all. Christmas isn't about Wii's and Xbox's anyway. IMHO. Its great there are charities out there for people who have no support whatsoever. But if you do have support within the family structure, let someone who doesn't benefit.

Kelly

I agree, I guess I wasn't clear. I was saying that my sister was fortunate that she didn't have to go this route and ask for charitable gifts for her kids because she had family that could/would make sure her kids had the things that they wanted (within reason) I was thinking more along the lines of we don't know what this woman's situation is and if she even has family to turn to. For all we know these game systems were bought in better times.

I was thinking along the lines of these may be systems that they already own, and they want up to date games for them. Knowing that their mother can't afford to buy them, maybe the kids thought "mom can get us socks and underwear, maybe if we ask these other people who have more money for games we will get them."

I'm just saying that we shouldn't draw a bunch of conclusions about these people based on a blurb on a Christmas wish list. If the OP is uncomfortable participating, then she definitely shouldn't, but I think it would be tacky to return the family and ask for another saying, in essence, "I don't deem this family worthy of my charity, give me someone else." It's just too much judgement based on too little information for me. I would either just give what I could and hope that I did make some child's day a little brighter, or I would bow out all together.

BTW... I'm a nurse, and our department does this every year. Here is how we do it. We adopt a family, a single mom with 2 kids (and the parents are always listed on wish lists) Each shift (there are 3) are "assigned" a family member and a meal. For instance, I work nights, night shift was assigned the 8 year girl and breakfast. Each person donates a gift to that child and a non-perishable food item that goes with that meal. For each person is listed sizes and interests and a wish list. So for the child I will get an outfit, a toy, and probably some pancake mix and syrup.

 

[TDC Nala]

(feed the hungry, clothe the naked,

If you are naked you are probably not going to ask for a Hollister hoodie. If you are hungry, is what you really need a pizza maker?

I'm interested in the folks who say if the kids in need ask for a Hollister hoodie, the thing to do is get them one, even if you wouldn't spend the cash to buy your own kid one. Heck, if you can find one on clearance, more power to ya. But these lists that have been posted read more like wedding gift registries than charity gift lists.

 

[CurlyGirl]

Macy's has a pizza maker for $30. There are always coupons in the paper for 20%+ off. Looks like you can make other things (pancakes, french toast, etc.) on the griddle-like surface. I don't find that to be an extravagant gift when it seems like you can use it for more than pizza.

What's the saying ... give a person a pizza and feed them for a day, give them a pizza maker and feed them for a heck of a lot longer?

 

[kellyg403]

I agree, I guess I wasn't clear. I was saying that my sister was fortunate that she didn't have to go this route and ask for charitable gifts for her kids because she had family that could/would make sure her kids had the things that they wanted (within reason) I was thinking more along the lines of we don't know what this woman's situation is and if she even has family to turn to. For all we know these game systems were bought in better times.

I was thinking along the lines of these may be systems that they already own, and they want up to date games for them. Knowing that their mother can't afford to buy them, maybe the kids thought "mom can get us socks and underwear, maybe if we ask these other people who have more money for games we will get them."

I'm just saying that we shouldn't draw a bunch of conclusions about these people based on a blurb on a Christmas wish list. If the OP is uncomfortable participating, then she definitely shouldn't, but I think it would be tacky to return the family and ask for another saying, in essence, "I don't deem this family worthy of my charity, give me someone else." It's just too much judgement based on too little information for me. I would either just give what I could and hope that I did make some child's day a little brighter, or I would bow out all together.

BTW... I'm a nurse, and our department does this every year. Here is how we do it. We adopt a family, a single mom with 2 kids (and the parents are always listed on wish lists) Each shift (there are 3) are "assigned" a family member and a meal. For instance, I work nights, night shift was assigned the 8 year girl and breakfast. Each person donates a gift to that child and a non-perishable food item that goes with that meal. For each person is listed sizes and interests and a wish list. So for the child I will get an outfit, a toy, and probably some pancake mix and syrup.

Yes, we as a group adopt and so far we have not had anyone specify a brand. I try to keep in mind the teens and kids and getting something that when they get back to school they can have a brag moment too.

OP, if you are uncomfortable with purchasing the higher end requests, but still want to do something, I would. If you are uncomfortable altogether I would bow out, but I would certainly not feel bad about doing so.

I also remember when the Angel Tree had requests like a jacket/scarf or gloves. I always felt the need to get that plus something else that was age appropriate, sometimes I got lucky and it was a hot item for a good price. I don't think I would feel good about being told what I have to buy. Christmas is about giving, not telling people what they have to give. Maybe as others have posted this family has 'wishes' but don't expect it.

Kelly

 

[tlbwriter]

If you are naked you are probably not going to ask for a Hollister hoodie. If you are hungry, is what you really need a pizza maker?

I'm interested in the folks who say if the kids in need ask for a Hollister hoodie, the thing to do is get them one, even if you wouldn't spend the cash to buy your own kid one. Heck, if you can find one on clearance, more power to ya.

All right, folks, let's talk about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

The base of the pyramid is the most basic needs. As you go up, the needs become less basic. People don't care as much about the higher needs if the lower needs are not being met. So yes, a person who doesn't have food or water isn't going to care about much else. And once that person has food and water and sleep, then they can worry about the next level up, safety. When safety is assured, they start to care about love and belonging. And these mid to higher level needs - love, belonging, friendship, self-esteem, confidence, respect of others - these are where the Hollister hoodie comes in.

You can talk till you're blue in the face and say it's not that way for you, and it shouldn't be that way for today's teenagers, but you know what? You're probably wrong. The fact that you think it shouldn't be that way doesn't fix anything. Teens and preteens still tend to value fitting in, having what everyone else has, doing what everyone else does. Maybe you weren't that way. Good for you. But when a teen specifically says he/she wants This One Thing Everyone Else Has, it probably means this kid isn't like you. He isn't naked. He isn't hungry. He just wants to fit in. He wants to be someone other than That Poor Kid Who Doesn't Have Anything.

Now, if you have reason to believe that the child you're shopping for is missing out on those most basic needs, like food and water, then by all means use all of your resources to meet those needs. And if you only feel "right" if you take care of people whose most basic needs are not being met, please seek out those families. There are many of them, and you will be appreciated.

But if you have reason to believe food and shelter and safety are taken care of, there's nothing wrong with attempting to address the needs that are slightly less important. And you know what? You might just help bump that kid up to the next level, where he can think about self-actualization and maybe realize fitting in doesn't matter as much as he thought. I'm pretty sure telling him that he should only be concerned with the bottom of the pyramid, and should be grateful to be getting that much, isn't going to help him reach the top.

 

[thomas998]

Remember ... these kids didn't ask to be born into struggling families. They just want to fit in among their peers and be like everyone else with the name brand hoodies, lip glosses, t-shirts, etc. for once in their livels. It's Christmas and probably the only opportunity they will ever have of receiving something that might make them feel like the other kids.

You are absolutely right... the kids didn't choose to be born into what is often a dead-beat family.

However, making sure the kids get to fit in perfectly while being raised in a dead-beat family doesn't do anything positive. You are enabling the family and showing the kid that there is no consequence for being lazy. If Jr gets the greatest stuff with no work other than filling out a list then Jr has no incentive to study hard in school and avoid the mistakes of dead-beat mom and dad... it might sound cruel but maybe Jr would be better off getting the second tier items that don't let him fit in so he has an incentive to be better than the dead-beat parents.

Sometimes the way to teach people isn't with warmth and kindness, sometimes the best lessons hurt.