Really need some advice-Death in Family

[brokenheart]

The only reason I posted with a new name is if by some reason someone on these boards know the situation...

We just found out that BIL is entering hospice due to cancer. Yesterday, my MIL called and she said the doctors only give him 2 - 4 weeks. This is absolutely heartbreaking for our families.

Now the problem. Please do not think I am equating a $ amount to his impending passing

My 14 yr old DS is participating in a once in a lifetime opportunity that is to occur over the next 2 - 4 weeks (our dates are fixed, but again i do not want to give out the exact dates in case someone may know us or his family). We had planned this for more than a year. Is is a school function and as a family we decided we would all go. We have paid over $5000 for this function. We do not have any travel insurance (I know stupid) to cover any of the costs.

Obviously only our great Lord knows when my BIL will be called home. Ugh, this is so hard. I just lost a good friend in May to cancer and I lost my mom in June. I am so sad.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for my son. He has worked so hard for this honor.


What would you all do? Thank you so much for your advice.

 

[mickeyboat]

The only reason I posted with a new name is if by some reason someone on these boards know the situation...

We just found out that BIL is entering hospice due to cancer. Yesterday, my MIL called and she said the doctors only give him 2 - 4 weeks. This is absolutely heartbreaking for our families.

Now the problem. Please do not think I am equating a $ amount to his impending passing

My 14 yr old DS is participating in a once in a lifetime opportunity that is to occur over the next 2 - 4 weeks (our dates are fixed, but again i do not want to give out the exact dates in case someone may know us or his family). We had planned this for more than a year. Is is a school function and as a family we decided we would all go. We have paid over $5000 for this function. We do not have any travel insurance (I know stupid) to cover any of the costs.

Obviously only our great Lord knows when my BIL will be called home. Ugh, this is so hard. I just lost a good friend in May to cancer and I lost my mom in June. I am so sad.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for my son. He has worked so hard for this honor.


What would you all do? Thank you so much for your advice.

Are you concerned because you want to be there to support your family while BIL is in Hospice, or because you might miss funeral services?

I think both of those scenarios can be addressed - give as much support as you can while you are able, and call from your trip if it is possible. Hope that services can be postponed until you return if he passes while you are away. How long will you be gone?

Say your "good-byes" before you go - actually make a point to do this before your BIL is unable to communicate with you. At some point he won't even know that you are there.

If I were you, I would go. As hard as it is, life for everyone else does go on.

I am sorry for your family's heartbreak.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

At a minimum, I would send your son. Only God knows when his time will be up, and it might take much longer than the doctors think. The rest would depend on the answer to many questions. How much time would you spend with him if you didn't go? Would it be meaningful time? If he passes while you are gone, would you fly home? Could you handle the additional expense? If you couldn't, could you live with missing his memorial/funeral? What would he want you to do?

You can't stop living because someone else is dying.

 

[jeepgirl30]

The only reason I posted with a new name is if by some reason someone on these boards know the situation...

We just found out that BIL is entering hospice due to cancer. Yesterday, my MIL called and she said the doctors only give him 2 - 4 weeks. This is absolutely heartbreaking for our families.

Now the problem. Please do not think I am equating a $ amount to his impending passing

My 14 yr old DS is participating in a once in a lifetime opportunity that is to occur over the next 2 - 4 weeks (our dates are fixed, but again i do not want to give out the exact dates in case someone may know us or his family). We had planned this for more than a year. Is is a school function and as a family we decided we would all go. We have paid over $5000 for this function. We do not have any travel insurance (I know stupid) to cover any of the costs.

Obviously only our great Lord knows when my BIL will be called home. Ugh, this is so hard. I just lost a good friend in May to cancer and I lost my mom in June. I am so sad.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for my son. He has worked so hard for this honor.


What would you all do? Thank you so much for your advice.

I'm so sorry. I am not 100% sure of what my decision would be but I am leaning towards saying I would go.

Is this your DH's brother? If the funeral happens on the planned trip would it be possible for DH to fly home to attend?

This is a very tough situation, I'm sorry your family is facing this especially this time of year.

 

[dicar123]

Would YOU want any of your family members to forego any long planned, long awaited event in order to attend YOUR funeral? I wouldn't!

Visit now, say what needs to be said, and then continue on with your plans.

 

[Pakey]

I just went through this. My mother has lung cancer, they do not expect she will be here long. My husband and I just returned from Egypt. Although I did have trip insurance, it would have been difficult for us to have the opportunity to go ahead later with this long planned trip.

My father and my brother wouldn't even listen to any argument about us going. If she had passed while we were gone, they would not have contacted me.

I would think that the people you love (and who love you) will understand.

 

[scrapquitler]

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for my son. He has worked so hard for this honor.


What would you all do? Thank you so much for your advice.

When I first read this, I thought only your son was going on this trip and I wondered why you would even be asking. Now that I re-read I understand that your entire family is supposed to go on this trip, which might change it a little. I think your question comes down to what your husband thinks, how close he is with DBIL, how your MIL might react (though that would not be HUGE factor for me but only because of my particular MIL).

I think I would have everyone in the family say their goodbyes and then go on the trip. If your DH is very very close with his brother, he might choose to say behind and miss the trip. But if you tell your BIL that, you might find that he will encourage your DH to go on this long awaited trip.

Personally, I would not want someone to forego a long awaited once in a lifetime trip for their family to sit around and wait for me to die and or attend my funeral. And if you guys being at the funeral is HUGE deal, maybe they can just hold off on the funeral if it is a major problem? When my DH grandmother died, there were a lot of the kids/grandkids who were having difficulty traveling at that time, so they held the funeral off a couple of weeks (she was cremated) and had it later when people could arrange travel.

But like I said, it depends on the dynamics of your family. In some families, missing the funeral would not be a big deal, in others, it might cause a huge rift for many years to come.

 

[olwyngdh]

You know your BiL...what would he think? Would he want you to go, or stay with him? How about your MiL? How is she going to take it if you go? Will it cause years of problems in the family, or will she understand and accept that you are doing something that your son and your family worked hard for?

It is a really hard call. If I were you, I would want to cancel the trip, but if I were your BiL, I would want you to go.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think the closest relative to BIL should stay home, or be prepared to come back early from this trip if necessary. You should also talk to MIL about all of this.

 

[minkydog]

I think the closest relative to BIL should stay home, or be prepared to come back early from this trip if necessary. You should also talk to MIL about all of this.

This is what i would do. I take it that BIL is your husband's brother? Talk it over with your husband. You might even want to talk it over with the MIL & BIL, if you think it would help. But I would definitely be sending my son on this trip.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The only reason I posted with a new name is if by some reason someone on these boards know the situation...

We just found out that BIL is entering hospice due to cancer. Yesterday, my MIL called and she said the doctors only give him 2 - 4 weeks. This is absolutely heartbreaking for our families.

Now the problem. Please do not think I am equating a $ amount to his impending passing

My 14 yr old DS is participating in a once in a lifetime opportunity that is to occur over the next 2 - 4 weeks (our dates are fixed, but again i do not want to give out the exact dates in case someone may know us or his family). We had planned this for more than a year. Is is a school function and as a family we decided we would all go. We have paid over $5000 for this function. We do not have any travel insurance (I know stupid) to cover any of the costs.

Obviously only our great Lord knows when my BIL will be called home. Ugh, this is so hard. I just lost a good friend in May to cancer and I lost my mom in June. I am so sad.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for my son. He has worked so hard for this honor.


What would you all do? Thank you so much for your advice.

I would say my goodbyes before I left. Sorry for your loss...

 

[babyrich]

I would send your son for sure. If you all go, will your MIL be alone or is there other family too?

Plan for the entire family to take the trip. If your BIL passes while you are away, than your DH can fly home or you can ask if services can be postponed until you return.

Discuss with your MIL, if she is ok with your going than go. If she is not, than just send your DH.

Best of Luck and prayers are with you.

 

[Hannathy]

Your son should go no matter what.

Who ever's brother or sister's husband that it is should be prepared to fly home. I know it will be expensive but it is one of those rainy day emergencies we save for. So I would spend as much time as possible before going and be prepared for the one person to come home, or the 2 adults, but not your son.

 

[bellebud]

first, I'm so very sorry about your bil.

And it's obviously not a money situation for you.

I know 2 families personally that went to disney while a very close relative was on the death bed. One, the mother was dying, and her grown son, his wife and kids went to disney on the kids spring break, and they got the call that mom passed away, and flew home. Another was a sil, the family got the call at disney, flew home. So these families chose to go away to disney (not this once in a lifetime, school type trip you're talking about), even though the family member was in their final days/weeks. But they sort of "had" to go, I think. You don't know the exact final days, and to just stand around waiting... I don't know. I know I wouldn't want people doing that for me. I think these families did the right thing. They probably said their good-byes before they went, hoping to see the person when they got home, but knowing it was a possibility they wouldn't. And them being there at that very end wouldn't have made any difference - the people didn't know who was there and who wasn't at that point.

Like other posters have said, possibly be prepared for your dh (if it's his bro) to fly home for the funeral - you and your ds stay on the trip. But run it all by mil (or have your dh do it if that works better for you guys).

Good luck w/ your decision, and again, so very sorry!

 

[stsomewhere]

Both of my grandparents are in poor health. I still go on planned vacations. If someone dies while I am gone, my family will either hold the funeral or have it.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

I think other posters have offered good food for thought -- only you can make the decision that's right for you. But I did want to offer condolences. Sounds like you've had a lot of heartache this year. Prayers to you, your family, and BIL's family.

 

[shortbun]

In our family we hold only memorial services so everyone can be there and the living can keep living. We also have a rule that if one of us is on vacation and another member dies, there is no phone call made; the information is provided upon return. Might sound cold but that's how we've always done it and it's a good thing.

I'm sorry your BIL is so ill. Go see him now and plan to make your trip. That's my position; you should decide on yours.

 

[brokenheart]

Just to add a few notes:

BIL is married to my husband's sister

My MIL is not alone. There are other sisters and their husbands, children, and FIL. He has a large family also.

 

[C.Ann]

You might even want to talk it over with the MIL & BIL, if you think it would help..

First I would do this..

Your son should go no matter what.

Who ever's brother or sister's husband that it is should be prepared to fly home. I know it will be expensive but it is one of those rainy day emergencies we save for. So I would spend as much time as possible before going and be prepared for the one person to come home, or the 2 adults, but not your son.

Then - if it seem there's going to be an issue with the family, I would do the above - have your DH fly home if it's important to his sister that he be there for support.. (It's your DH's sister's DH - correct?)

When my late DH passed away, we postponed his memorial service and funeral because his oldest DD had a non-refundable trip already planned.. She would have cancelled anyhow, but she was taking her DGD to WDW for her very first time and she was too young to understand why all of a sudden she couldn't go..

Of course my DH was cremated, so having to delay the services was much easier for us..

My thoughts and prayers to all of you.. I'm so very sorry..

 

[mrsstats]

If your BIL passed away while you were away could you live with the fact that you were not there. No guilt. If you can, then just go on your vacation. If not, then at least send your son, if that is possible. You will never please everyone in this life.