Really awful day, scared about the future...(bit long)

[ireland_nicole]

Today I sang at the funeral of a friend of mine who was 38. He had a wonderful, amazing wife and two boys 4 and 1 that he adored...and he commited suicide Wed. He had struggled with depression for years, but honestly to my knowledge did not give any of us a sign that he was planning this (and believe me, we're all racking our brains, trying to figure out what we missed). I am heartbroken for his wife and sons, and the rest of us who loved him and have to figure out how to live w/out him. But I'm also scared. Scared that someday it will be my DD's funeral instead. It has been so challenging trying to control her bipolar and mult. other dx's. Most recently, we've been trialling Daytrana to improve focus d/t severe ADHD and it's causing increased rages, etc. She is ultra rapid cycling, and can seem o.k. one minute and the next be entirely convinced that you hate her and she is worthless. I'm just so confused and frightened and fighting not to lose hope that someday, somehow things will get better. I'm afraid that I can't protect her from herself and her seemingly uncontrollable thoughts.(even on her current meds). In my darker moments, I feel so much that I am completely failing her... I'm sorry, but I'm just in a dark place tonight and would love some support if its out there-or a kick in the pants if it's more appropriate. I don't know, I'm just really overwhelmed right now. I mean, she's only 8-how do I not obessively fear what will happen when she hits adolescence? Anyway, sorry to ramble so long, any feedback would be appreciated.
Nicole

 

[bookwormde]

All of us who have spectrum children have felt exactly like you do now to one extent or another, for my wife it is much more often. All we can do is to provide the highest level of support for our children that we can within the societal restraints. It always seems that there are 100 alternatives and never enough time energy and resources to understand them all let alone implement them. First thing to do is to make sure you are getting the supports that you need because mom is the most important support (and will always be) in her world.

I am sure you know from my other posts that I have thoughts and recommendations on your daughter’s situation from my unique perspective but now is not the time.

This is the time to take care of yourself and know that you are a loving mother who is doing all she can for her daughter, and will continue to make progress in the future.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need ideas or thoughts.

bookwormde

 

[minkydog]

I'm sorry I do know these thoughts and feelings. My oldest child, DS21, is bipolar and has severe ADHD. When things are good, they're very good. And when they are bad, they're horrid. I try not to dwell on my fears because they can be paralyzing and that's not good for anyone.

A wise teacher taught me a long time ago "Don't horribilize everything." I know, easy to say. But it's true. I had to learn to not let my mind go there. There's enough trouble to deal with in each day, I don't need to borrow worries from the future. Besides, what I have found is that at least half the stuff I worry about NEVER comes to pass. All that wasted energy...

You're just having a tough day. This too shall pass.

BTW--adolescence was truly difficult for DS21, but by the grace of God we all made it. DS managed to graduate HS and is now working as the manager of a small computer store. He has discovered a few things about taking care of himself and hasn't had a serious break in several years. Keeping my fingers crossed.

 

[mechurchlady]

Your friend is one of the few people who just do it. I play games on line and people say they are quitting. Some over and over and over. One dude just did it, no whining or long good byes, he just hit the delete button, the confirm button and was history.

Most people tell people of their plans as a way to ask for help. Some plan in secret. Your friend either did it in secret or up and did it.

I would not spend my life worrying about what could be. Enjoy your child during her happy times and love her. Do not get ulcers and gray hairs over what might be. I could get cancer and diabetes so I take precautions but do not set fretting over what could be.

 

[zurgswife]

I'm sorry you have to deal with these fears. I can only address your dd's bipolar. My dd was dx - correctly at 12. It is part of a childhood dx that your dd cycles rapidly. That is what makes it so different then adult bipolar. Another thing is that it has been my experience that the right medication really will help the bipolar aspects of her life. Are you sure there isn't a different medication that she could be on to help her control her bipolar episodes???

 

[SunnieRN]

I will be praying for you and your family and your friends family, that there will be peace. I am sorry for your loss.
As for your daughter, maybe if you could find a counselor that you feel comfortable talking to it would help. It wouldn't "cure" your daughters bi-polar but it could give you someone to talk to and possibly ideas to deal with things.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Hey guys;
Thanks for all ya'lls feedback. I really appreciate your time and input. Re: DD's meds, she is taking Abilify and Trilyptal for the bipolar, and seeing a much improved child today w/o the Daytrana,(we were trying it to increase concentration at school after zero improvement w/ behavior mod...) we're planning to end the trial now, which will hopefully improve things a little.

It's funny you should mention possibly talking to a counselor b/c as I laid awake last night I came to the same conclusion. I asked my pastor for a recommendation today. I just hate that I can't seem to "get over it".

Your support means a lot to me, I just hate needing it...I feel much more comfortable offering it to someone else.

Nicole