Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[Gumbo4x4]

To be fair, the OP said that her son was going to be with his dad and (or so the OP thought) her step kids were going with with their mom - so there would have been nothing to be responsible for.

But again, did OP's husband know this? Or, was he under the impression OP took the week off to sit her kid? And if she's sitting for one, why not a couple more?


Numerous red flags in OP's post, and her DH clearly could have done things better. But to be fair, it is only ONE side of the story.

 

[CF'er]

So how was OP going out of town? If her husband can't take care of his own self she certainly can't go away.

 

[nugov2]

This is an interesting point that I have seen argued in the courts.

The parents that are against SP disciplining they will tell you that they should get to chose the caregiver. In the case of schools, a coach, babysitter etc. they get to choose who these people are... that's not the case with the SP.

This is why some CAs have ROFR (Right of First Refusal) which requires the non-custodial parent to forfeit custody time if they are not present during their defined time.

Any parent who is concerned for their child's well being and allows anyone else to watch their child without any discipline is a moron and is jeopardizing the safety of their child.

Any judge who allows such an agreement to be signed is a moron and jeopardizing the safety of a child and should not be in their position. What does the judge suggest the SP should do if the SC if the child is doing something that puts them in harms way? Turn a blind eye and hope alls well that ends well? What does the biological parent suggest in this situation?

I hate to sound nasty, but I do not believe this happens. I do not sit in court but have enough experience to know custody agreements do not work that way. I can see a step parent not being allowed alone with a child, and I can see strict terms in place as to what is allowed, but not one where a child is allowed to spend time alone in the complete care of someone but not allowed any terms to keep their child safe(which in many cases is what discipline is).


Also by the ex agreeing that a SP can be alone/watch your child they are choosing them. They have every right to say that person cannot be in that position with their child, but by saying yes they are choosing them to be a caregiver of their child just like any coach/teacher situation. They can't tell their ex to find a new spouse, but they can say nope I don't feel safe with our child being left alone with that new spouse.

 

[amjb]

So would you agree to an arrangement where you have responsibility for your step child, but it says you are in no uncertain terms allowed to discipline him/her? AMJB said and she sees "many cases where a step parent is responsible for a child, but is not allowed to discipline them". I call BS on that being in any custody agreement that allows a step parent who is allowed to be alone with a child. I agree terms may be set, but not a blanket no discipline agreement. Who would ever take on responsibility for any child and agree to not discipline them? Doesn't make sense. Feeling the need and not using it much makes sense. Also deferring major discipline issues(ie how long are they grounded etc.) to mom and dad to discuss makes sense, but say a child is hitting another child in my house...they will be disciplined. Saying no discipline is saying the are giving the child freedom to behave any way they want with absolutely no consequence.

Lots of parents give away their power, and especially so in divorced households where parent may be parenting from guilt.

The term "Disney Dad" didn't come from the DIS.

I agree it is an untenable situation to have to watch a child and not have the ability to discipline them.

Of course, I see most of the more severe cases... as when their isn't an issue, they are notusually in court.

 

[Laura66]

So how was OP going out of town? If her husband can't take care of his own self she certainly can't go away.

I was wondering this from the get go. Almost seems as if it's a thread to stir the pot.

 

[amjb]

If dh had not been able to treat our sons as his own, we would not still be married. When I realized the strain that would come feom that, I realized that I needed to gibe same parental respect to their step mother. When they visited their dad, he wasn't always there. What exactly was she supposed to do? Tell them "just wait till your daddy gets home"? That doesn't work.

Of course there are differences. That's where the respect comes in. And having a voice. Step mom did some things I didn't like. I didn't tell my ex and expect him to take care of it. I told her.

Most second marriages don't work. I honestly wonder how many of those divorces are due to the lack of consideration given to the step parent where the kids are concerned.


The OP has every right to be frustrated and venting and its because neither bio parent respected her or gave her a choice. His kids should be welcome in his home but she isn't the mom's babysitter anf should not be treated that way.

You sound like a reasonable and considerate person and not trying to be territorial with your children ... not everyone is.

 

[kaytieeldr]

But again, did OP's husband know this? Or, was he under the impression OP took the week off to sit her kid? And if she's sitting for one, why not a couple more?


Numerous red flags in OP's post, and her DH clearly could have done things better. But to be fair, it is only ONE side of the story.

Well, from this statement later in the thread

No I wasn't consulated ahead of time. I was told I had to go pick them up and it was explained to me that his work plans had changed and he would only take Christmas Day and New Years Day off during the 2 weeks. And of course I did it because I love my stepkids.

it sounds like her plans didn't matter.

 

[nugov2]

Probably not, no.

I'm saying if DSD was only here 4 days a month I wouldn't have made much of a fuss about her not being potty trained until she was 4 for example or if I was told I wasn't to discipline her I wouldn't worry about whether she ate all her vegetables the few days she was here. Given that she is here full time, that is not cool. If I were told I was not to discipline her my response would be then I will not be responsible for her. If I am not to discipline her then if her father isn't home neither is she.

And that was my point to the poster stating many custody agreements allow for care to be provided by a SP, but no discipline at all allowed. I don't think a reasonable judge or parent would allow that(by any of the parents mom, dad or SP). Strict terms...yes no discipline..no. You would be putting yourself in a very dangerous situation because you may then have to violate it to keep the child safe or choose not to and now the child has been injured. Is the SP now negligent for allowing it to happen or safe because they are covered under the custody agreement that they are not allowed to do it. Seems unlikely anyone would be in agreement to either scenario.

 

[Bluestars]

Wow...a whole lot of people have made a whole lot of assumptions that are just plain wrong.


2. He agreed to take the kids because he is afraid to make her upset. But their drama has nothing to do with me.

5. No I wasn't consulated ahead of time. I was told I had to go pick them up and it was explained to me that his work plans had changed and he would only take Christmas Day and New Years Day off during the 2 weeks. And of course I did it because I love my stepkids.

11. My husband works to pay child support and his car insurance payment. None of his money supports me, my child or him for that matter. I have a great job and make loads more money. I'm not sure why this is relevant to some people but there you go. And it's not admirable of him to pay child support. It's his responsibility.

I would have felt a whole lot better if my DH would have recognized that I was being kind to watch the children and that I was doing a good job. And if he would have made an effort to spend some time with them and do something things for us when he was home.

I snipped your post to the things in which I am making a response.

Did your husband actually tell you that he wanted the kids because he didn't want to make his ex mad or did you assume it?

Did his work plans change at the last minute? Does that happen often?

Are you saying that none of the money he makes goes towards supporting the family?

I would have a huge issue with all of these things. If he agreed to take the kids only because he didn't want to make his ex mad and not because he wanted to spend the holidays with them, then that's messed up. I assumed he wanted the kids.

If his work plans changed at the last minute, then I could see where he would have been in a bind. If he knew ahead of time and waited until the last minute to tell you, that's a different story.

How can a person work and have 100% of their money go toward child support and car insurance? That doesn't sound right.

I completely agree with you that he had a lack of respect regarding the entire situation. From your follow up post, it sounds like you feel a lot of resentment toward your husband because he does not treat you with respect. I hope you two are able to work it out.

 

[kaytieeldr]

So how was OP going out of town? If her husband can't take care of his own self she certainly can't go away.

Where did she say he can't take care of himself?

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Well, from this statement later in the thread it sounds like her plans didn't matter.

But again, did he even know she HAD plans.

Not excusing his part, but still wondering if communication isn't a big issue here in BOTH directions.

 

[Laura66]

Did I read that you don't have a car in a post?

How do you get to work or drive any of the kids anywhere? (If I'm misreading a post my apologies and the above statement does not apply)

Boy I've been married for over 26 years and just in the past few have been able to take a vacation (long weekend) here and there with just me and my girlfriends. When you have little ones and throw in a divorce and step kids - well I don't care how deserving you or anyone else is - sometimes a vacation alone just isn't in the cards.

 

[SirDuff]

But again, did OP's husband know this? Or, was he under the impression OP took the week off to sit her kid? And if she's sitting for one, why not a couple more?


Numerous red flags in OP's post, and her DH clearly could have done things better. But to be fair, it is only ONE side of the story.

I was responding to the comment that the OP had been willing to leave her husband "responsible for everything". In her mind, there was nothing to be responsible for.

I do agree agree that communication may be an issue on both sides (well, I'd probably say communication is definitely an issue).

 

[nugov2]

Lots of parents give away their power, and especially so in divorced households where parent may be parenting from guilt.

The term "Disney Dad" didn't come from the DIS.

I agree it is an untenable situation to have to watch a child and not have the ability to discipline them.

Of course, I see most of the more severe cases... as when their isn't an issue, they are notusually in court.

But that is not what you said. Giving away power means you do not have custody and that would mean the SP is not alone caring for the child. Then yes, I see that in place when there is minimal if any time spent with the other parent. You said situations where the SP has alone time as the only caregiver for the child but no power to discipline. That never happens.

I agree many parents give away their rights to a child or accept minimal time with their child. No co parenting situation that involves a SP who is part of the agreed upon co parenting arrangement has terms that do not allow them to keep the child safe. That is a violation of the child's well being and I do not believe any court would agree, even if the parents are too ignorant to understand. In an extreme case a child would be appointed a guardian ad litem in these extreme cases to protect the child's well being.

 

[Laura66]

I was responding to the comment that the OP had been willing to leave her husband "responsible for everything". In her mind, there was nothing to be responsible for.

I do agree agree that communication may be an issue on both sides (well, I'd probably say communication is definitely an issue).

If he has a long history of not being responsible for anything - contributing to the family, never wanting the ex to be upset (so you say), shoveling the driveway - and all the other things the OP lists - then I don't see why she is even surprised he sprung this on her last minute.

He's the father and the kids should be welcome anytime in their home. If I had such an important trip planned for my much "deserved" time off I would have made arrangements for something like this to happen and arranged child care options. Sounds like the husband and the ex-wife are both lazy and irresponsible and since you're implying that this is the "norm" you knew this going into the marriage. Yes they are your step children - but you should still love them enough to know it's not their fault and made arrangements to have them cared for when you're not home.

 

[amjb]

Any parent who is concerned for their child's well being and allows anyone else to watch their child without any discipline is a moron and is jeopardizing the safety of their child.

Any judge who allows such an agreement to be signed is a moron and jeopardizing the safety of a child and should not be in their position. What does the judge suggest the SP should do if the SC if the child is doing something that puts them in harms way? Turn a blind eye and hope alls well that ends well? What does the biological parent suggest in this situation?

I hate to sound nasty, but I do not believe this happens. I do not sit in court but have enough experience to know custody agreements do not work that way. I can see a step parent not being allowed alone with a child, and I can see strict terms in place as to what is allowed, but not one where a child is allowed to spend time alone in the complete care of someone but not allowed any terms to keep their child safe(which in many cases is what discipline is).


Also by the ex agreeing that a SP can be alone/watch your child they are choosing them. They have every right to say that person cannot be in that position with their child, but by saying yes they are choosing them to be a caregiver of their child just like any coach/teacher situation. They can't tell their ex to find a new spouse, but they can say nope I don't feel safe with our child being left alone with that new spouse.

I've never said a judge agrees to no SP discipline... I hear it argued for by the parents.

Some of the arguments are nuts! Stop by your local court house some day and check it out.

I've have seen a mom argue that kids can have all the snacks they want and SM can't say no. She even sent a bag of junk with the kid for the visit (obese child, mom feels it's "mean" to make them eat the meals they serve at the other house).

I agree a judge would be a moron to rule for that...

But I think you are misunderstanding me.

The ex is NOT agreeing that the SP can watch the child, hence the ROFR - which means, the child has to be brought back to the other parent if the parent is not present during parenting time. So no need to discipline because the kid cannot be alone with the SP.

My point is basically you can't assume you have 2 parents on the same page... often they are in conflict, still harbor hatred and resentment from the divorce. Unfortunately the kids and the new spouses get caught in the crossfire.

The best thing a SP can do in a situation like that is to step out of the way.

 

[bethy]

People that feel this way should not marry someone who already has children. Your "HIS children" statement actually made me cringe, and I do feel very sorry for your stepchildren.

I totally agree. If something were ever to happen to my marriage I'm pretty sure I would never ever willingly enter a blended family situation. I would not remarry or allow a man to be a part of my daily life until both my kids and his kids were full grown and out of the house.

It's just too crazy and hard and complicated and not what I personally would want for myself or any kids involved.

 

[amjb]

But that is not what you said. Giving away power means you do not have custody and that would mean the SP is not alone caring for the child. Then yes, I see that in place when there is minimal if any time spent with the other parent. You said situations where the SP has alone time as the only caregiver for the child but no power to discipline. That never happens.

I agree many parents give away their rights to a child or accept minimal time with their child. No co parenting situation that involves a SP who is part of the agreed upon co parenting arrangement has terms that do not allow them to keep the child safe. That is a violation of the child's well being and I do not believe any court would agree, even if the parents are too ignorant to understand. In an extreme case a child would be appointed a guardian ad litem in these extreme cases to protect the child's well being.

You are misquoting me... I never said this was in a parenting agreement.

 

[amjb]

I think the fact that you are falsely accusing me of making false statements to support YOUR view is telling.

LOL. Nice try.

Back up your original statement with a quote... if you can't, it's a false statement.

 

[SirDuff]

If he has a long history of not being responsible for anything - contributing to the family, never wanting the ex to be upset (so you say), shoveling the driveway - and all the other things the OP lists - then I don't see why she is even surprised he sprung this on her last minute.

He's the father and the kids should be welcome anytime in their home. If I had such an important trip planned for my much "deserved" time off I would have made arrangements for something like this to happen and arranged child care options. Sounds like the husband and the ex-wife are both lazy and irresponsible and since you're implying that this is the "norm" you knew this going into the marriage. Yes they are your step children - but you should still love them enough to know it's not their fault and made arrangements to have them cared for when you're not home.

Can you please show me where I implied this?