Question for the Single Ladies (or attached if you'd like)

[Dani C]

Single and 38 female

The kids aren't a problem for all women, and for some they are a positive thing. I like kids and have no issues there. I have had issues in the past with parenting styles when dating, but that is never the fault of the children.

The lack of current employment in the eyes of many could be an issue. For me, knowing you are actively seeking employment and intend to keep it would be fine. By the time your relationship should be getting more involved, she will see your intentions.

The fact that you aren't yet legally divorced would cause questions, but wouldn't immediately make me turn away. If you were evasive about answering questions, that would make me run and never look back.

Know that many people on the online dating sites aren't really looking for serious commitments, many don't remove profiles although they may currently be testing the waters with someone else, etc.

It is difficult, and it takes time, but don't let it get you down. I tried online dating once and it didn't go well, but some have had luck there. Remember that someone can lie to you about all the same things, with the exception of appearance, if you were meeting them in person. Just use your best judgment and follow your instincts.

I wish you all the best as you get though this part of your life.

 

[Bete]

I'm going to be harsh; I'm sorry.

You could be a very good looking guy, very well built, polite and nice, and have a good sense of humor and many other good qualities and I still wouldn't bite with your current scenario.

I can't get pass your current situation. None of us know what is going on behind close doors, either with your current soon to be ex wife. There are underlying reasons you are separated and getting a divorce. We don't have the full story; so, it's hard to analyze this completely. You mentioned that your current wife and you are not at great odds with one another. Why not work on your marriage and see if it can be salvaged? If you have done everything possible, then you need to move on.

I would say not having a job turns me off completely. You have 4 kids who need to school, who have other needs as well. Finances are critical, here. Most people with 4 kids need two, working parents. I'm sure if you had a great job paying very well you could get beyond the 4 kids with someone else. You might even be able to save your current marriage.

Many individuals have had to take lesser jobs to go on with life. You may have to start all over again moving on up. Get a job! The rest will come.

I'm not heartless, but it sounds like you started your marriage with you working. After 5 years of not working I would not be happy.

Personally, I know someone who was single into her fifties and did match.com and she did get married to someone she met there. I think there are success stories with dating sites, but it's work just like everything else is work.

 

[ejmdoesn]

I was divorced last July, recently turned 40 and have four children, ages 11, 9, 6 and 4. I would not be turned off by the fact that you have 4 children, but not being divorced, and not having a job would be red flags for me. I think being a stay at home dad is fantastic, if you are married to their mother. I wouldn't want to date anyone who is not officially divorced because I would be worried they would end up getting back together with the wife.

I have not had much luck with the online dating sites, and I also figured most people are afraid of a woman with four young children!

 

[Waiting2goback]

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be replying to this, as I'm happily married, but have friends who are divorced (and was looking in this section about older folks going to Disney, as I'll be an empty nester soon!).

First of all, please don't worry! I'm sure you have great kids and a great relationship with them. But, you aren't divorced yet. I'd just focus on your kids and getting your employment situation settled before dating. I don't think anyone in your current situation is ready to date, at least seriously.

If I were single (which I'm not) and looking (which I wouldn't be; if something happened to my DH I would remain single - I have my kids and life and am 47 so not needing a man) I would NOT seek a man who isn't divorced, who has no job, and 4 young kids (I don't want to offend you, it's just what it is).

I would work on your life situation, and worry about dating in the future.

Any feedback is welcome.

Believe me, I am focused on my kids. In fact, I probably am too focused. I take very little time for myself. I am either running my 2 oldest to dance and gymnastics, which they have at the same times on the same days, or I am battling with my son, who has medical issues, anxiety issues, etc... He had to go to a program at Hershey Medical Center to learn to eat because of some of his issues. That was almost a year and a 1/2 ago and just about every meal is still a battle. I am focused for sure.

As far as the rest of your comment, I see where the confusion lies. At this point, I have given up on dating. I did Match.com a few months ago once we officially decided to not even try working on the marriage anymore. I was scared to be alone. I decided to post this question on here because I wanted to know if women weren't interested because I was really ugly or if the kids were a factor.

I continue to work on my life situation. I send out dozens of resumes a week. One of these days I will get a job and then I will be working my butt off.

At this point I would be happy just meeting a nice girl who is looking for companionship like me and being friends. Now I am beginning to wonder if that can even happen right now from some of these comments.

 

[Waiting2goback]

Single and 38 female

The kids aren't a problem for all women, and for some they are a positive thing. I like kids and have no issues there. I have had issues in the past with parenting styles when dating, but that is never the fault of the children.

The lack of current employment in the eyes of many could be an issue. For me, knowing you are actively seeking employment and intend to keep it would be fine. By the time your relationship should be getting more involved, she will see your intentions.

The fact that you aren't yet legally divorced would cause questions, but wouldn't immediately make me turn away. If you were evasive about answering questions, that would make me run and never look back.

Know that many people on the online dating sites aren't really looking for serious commitments, many don't remove profiles although they may currently be testing the waters with someone else, etc.

It is difficult, and it takes time, but don't let it get you down. I tried online dating once and it didn't go well, but some have had luck there. Remember that someone can lie to you about all the same things, with the exception of appearance, if you were meeting them in person. Just use your best judgment and follow your instincts.

I wish you all the best as you get though this part of your life.

This is how I thought people would see things. I mean if I met someone and a year into it I still didn't have a job I could see then thinking I am a bumb. But, if someone met me and got to know me they would see I am not. I have had good jobs. Prior to staying home I was doing financial planning, and had the economy not fallen apart just when I was starting my practice I'd probably still be doing it.

I can TOTALLY see people not being comfortable with the currently separated thing. This is why I only contacted people who indicated they were comfortable with it. Believe me, I put in my profile I didn't want to have anymore kids and women that said they wanted kids still contacted me. I know it was frustrating to me so I wouldn't contact someone that indicated that weren't comfortable with my situation.

I wish you luck in your search as well and thank you for the feedback.

 

[Waiting2goback]

I'm going to be harsh; I'm sorry.

You could be a very good looking guy, very well built, polite and nice, and have a good sense of humor and many other good qualities and I still wouldn't bite with your current scenario.

I can't get pass your current situation. None of us know what is going on behind close doors, either with your current soon to be ex wife. There are underlying reasons you are separated and getting a divorce. We don't have the full story; so, it's hard to analyze this completely. You mentioned that your current wife and you are not at great odds with one another. Why not work on your marriage and see if it can be salvaged? If you have done everything possible, then you need to move on.

I would say not having a job turns me off completely. You have 4 kids who need to school, who have other needs as well. Finances are critical, here. Most people with 4 kids need two, working parents. I'm sure if you had a great job paying very well you could get beyond the 4 kids with someone else. You might even be able to save your current marriage.

Many individuals have had to take lesser jobs to go on with life. You may have to start all over again moving on up. Get a job! The rest will come.

I'm not heartless, but it sounds like you started your marriage with you working. After 5 years of not working I would not be happy.

Personally, I know someone who was single into her fifties and did match.com and she did get married to someone she met there. I think there are success stories with dating sites, but it's work just like everything else is work.

We can't move on because of money at this point. I did everything in my power to save the marriage but she just hasn't been all that interested in doing her part for a long time. She has even admitted as much. She has admitted I did the work needed and she didn't but just didn't know why.

Since we have decided to move on I am just seeing a different side of her. At this point, if she changed her mind, I have no interest. I am seeing a completely different side of her I never saw. She doesn't believe in God anymore (which is fine by itself) but has said anyone that does is stupid. I supported her while she got her Master's degree and additional education after that which allows her to have the job she has now. She has recently told me I will only ever amount to being a custodian, at best. I have been working out for months now. She constantly says, "Why bother, you're just going to get fat again anyway."

So, I don't need to get into all the details. I'm just explaining that I know it is done and I know it is the right thing. She has always been a negative person since I met her. I just never saw just how bad until I took my feelings out of the situation.

I have tried the lesser job route. I have applied to McDonald's, warehouse jobs, etc... I did these kinds of jobs to get through college. I've been told I am overqualified for those, by many of these employers.

I don't think you're heartless. I'm the one that asked for truthful opinions. This is all helping me more than you all know.

 

[Waiting2goback]

I was divorced last July, recently turned 40 and have four children, ages 11, 9, 6 and 4. I would not be turned off by the fact that you have 4 children, but not being divorced, and not having a job would be red flags for me. I think being a stay at home dad is fantastic, if you are married to their mother. I wouldn't want to date anyone who is not officially divorced because I would be worried they would end up getting back together with the wife.

I have not had much luck with the online dating sites, and I also figured most people are afraid of a woman with four young children!

How is life after the "official divorce" with 4 kids? I wish you luck in your search to find someone.

 

[ejmdoesn]

How is life after the "official divorce" with 4 kids? I wish you luck in your search to find someone.

Life is great right now, I am in a house I love, have a job I love at my kids' school, and fantastic family support, I was a stay at home mom before my divorce so it's been a little bit of an adjustment.

The last year has been really hard because my ex was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia 2 years ago. Because of some things he did due to his paranoia, I have sole physical and legal custody of our children, he is only allowed supervised visits, and there is a no contact order in place. He has not seen our children in 6 months, by his choice, it makes me very sad for my children, but I was always their caretaker, and he was rarely around, so not a lot has changed for them.

I know how you feel, I would love to find someone to spend time with, I think God has someone special for me, I just have to be patient.

 

[DelftBlue]

Delftblue- Thank you for your honesty. Yeah, I was thinking my best chance to meet someone is to get to know someone first. Clearly the on-line thing is not the best, for anyone from the sounds of it. I have joined a few meet-up groups but there is nothing close to my house. Everything is near Boston, an at least an hour ride. And, the meet-ups are all when my kids have their activities. So, it looks like I am out of luck meeting anyone for a while. Once I get a job, I will have to start my own meetup closer to my house, assuming I will even have time at that point.

There are alternatives to meetups, like taking a class. There are inexpensive ones through adult education. You can also join local groups. Most communities have reading groups, running clubs, etc... It may take a little leg work to find them. You just have to set aside time for yourself. Since you are getting a divorce, there should be times when your ex-wife takes the kids.

 

[ctnurse]

I'm not single, but I met DH here on the DIS, and I will be honest. I probably wouldn't have dated a man who still wasn't divorced, didn't have a job,and had four kids. I'm sorry, but I am being honest.

I agree with the PP regarding meetup, or taking a class. You might want to try going to the park, zoo, museum, or another activity with your kids, and just talk to another mom.

The last thing, don't try to hard, you might find your princess when you least expect it.

 

[AJ1983]

I personally would not have gotten involved with someone who has four children as I always dreamed of having one or two children with my husband-add in his 4 and that would be 6..way too many for me! Or I would assume that someone with four children would not want to have any more (although I may be incorrect in that assumption).

I also agree with a pp that the "not yet divorced" aspect would turn me off..I would be afraid that with children involved, the chance of reconciliation is higher, so I would not get involved with someone until the divorce actually proceeded.

 

[DisneyFan2013]

I have been very curious about something so I thought since everyone on here has been so nice and supportive in the short time I have been a member I thought I'd throw the question out there and see what kind of responses I get. A little about my situation. I am 40. I am getting divorced. I have been a stay-at-home dad for the last 5+ years. (Trying to get a job now but not having much luck). I am college educated. A couple months ago I joined Match.com to try to start the dating process again. I had NO LUCK. I emailed a couple girls but got no responses. I had quite a bit of people view my profile but nobody contacted me. Now, I know some people wouldn't date me because I am not officially divorced yet. I get that. I wouldn't email someone who made it clear they wanted single or divorced only. So, I limited my contact to those who said they were open to dating someone separated. Here is the question. I have 4 kids (10, 6, almost 5, and 2 1/2) Some women said in their profiles they wouldn't date anyone with more than 2 kids. Clearly I stayed away from them. I am wondering if 4 kids is really a HUGE turn-off to women? It could be my looks. And, I won't put a pic up here so people will have to tell me if I am ugly or not. That would be awkward. But, friends and even our marriage counselor said there would be hundreds of women lined up for a guy like me, who is into his family, does the cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, taking care of sick kids, homework, etc... And, I am not looking to stay home forever and have someone support me. I used to work before I stayed home with the kids. I'm just pointing out that I don't NEED a wife to take care of me. I would LIKE to meet someone again because I like being in a relationship and sharing my life with someone. I am just wondering how hard it will be for me to meet someone. I know 4 kids is a lot. I just always thought it would be more of an issue for guys coming into the situation than women. I am open to feedback.

You can't change the fact that you have four kids, so just focus on the things you can improve and be patient. It can take a while to meet the right person. I've done online dating for the past 10 years and though I've met many people, I still haven't found The One.

 

[Waiting2goback]

Life is great right now, I am in a house I love, have a job I love at my kids' school, and fantastic family support, I was a stay at home mom before my divorce so it's been a little bit of an adjustment.

The last year has been really hard because my ex was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia 2 years ago. Because of some things he did due to his paranoia, I have sole physical and legal custody of our children, he is only allowed supervised visits, and there is a no contact order in place. He has not seen our children in 6 months, by his choice, it makes me very sad for my children, but I was always their caretaker, and he was rarely around, so not a lot has changed for them.

I know how you feel, I would love to find someone to spend time with, I think God has someone special for me, I just have to be patient.

I think God has someone special for you too. It sounds like you have been through A LOT. I feel bad for your kids to not get to see their dad but maybe it is for the better given his situation.

When you are least expecting it the person you are meant to be will come into your life. Just make sure you keep your eyes open so he doesn't leave as quickly as he came in.

 

[Waiting2goback]

There are alternatives to meetups, like taking a class. There are inexpensive ones through adult education. You can also join local groups. Most communities have reading groups, running clubs, etc... It may take a little leg work to find them. You just have to set aside time for yourself. Since you are getting a divorce, there should be times when your ex-wife takes the kids.

I know you are right. I know there are options out there. And, I am not trying to make excuses but my free time is used to exercise and look for jobs. Once I get my job situation straightened out I will worry about my social life. At this point, any money I would spend going out I put aside for my trip to run the ToT in October.

As far as your last comment, no, I don't get much time. Because we live together still there is no set schedule of who has the kids. It has been suggested I do that but it isn't worth the battle. She has told me that she spends more time with the kids than I do. After I picked up my eyes and put them back in my head I asked for her logic behind this one. Her claim is that I am not spending time with the kids when they are in school or in dance and gymnastics and on the weekends we are both here. Meanwhile, she goes out every Saturday, except for this week. She went out last night so she could do Easter stuff tonight. She left at 3:30 in the afternoon for the night. Then because she was out so late she slept in until 7:30 (meanwhile she sleeps on the couch in the livingroom while the kids are running around) and then needed a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day.

My only time is when I go out and exercise and because I will eventually not get to see the kids everyday anymore I am not begging for time alone, as it will come eventually.

Hopefully I am not boring you guys with my examples.

 

[Waiting2goback]

DisneyFan: Very encouraging and simple. Thank you for the comment.

 

[LaLalovesWDW]

Hi there! I think I recall reading the first post when you first mentioned the separation/divorce. I'm sorry to read the hard time you are having and I think everyone has given you a lot of great feedback. No need for me to rehash what's been said.

I think you really really should put the dating possibilities on the back burner for a while. You are on a great track with getting in shape, raising your 4 children, finding a job, and settling your divorce. You definitely need at least a year or two to work on YOU and getting your life on a track that will create that energy for the right woman to come into your life. Could you find a woman right now? OF COURSE! Will it necessary be the right woman? Maybe not... I truly believe that nothing happens in the Universe by mistake. I think we have to align our own goals, wishes, missions, priorities, etc in order to make room for the wrong people to leave and the right people to come in. Right now, if you continued trying to date, you'd be making too much of the wrong room for a wrong situation. I'm telling you this, because I was there.

I was 34, when I left my x husband with my then, 1 year old. I had no idea where I was going to go, how I was going to support US, or what my future was to hold. But I knew if I stayed it would be purely out of survival. We bounced from hotel to hotel for a month until I found an apartment that I had no idea how I would pay for it. During all of this, I met someone and we dated for a year - before the divorce, before I had my life together, before I had a steady job, before I could REALLY resolve the trauma of the drastic change my marital status was about to take. But when I look back, what I thought was "IM ready to move on" was really "Oh no Im not ready to be alone so let me just get with someone asap!" Needless to say, the relationship was a disaster. During that year, I was more focused on me and he didn't like that. That was my eye opening and I realized that I needed to REALLY take a significant amount of time for ME. What DID get me through the rough patches??? FRIENDS. I love meeting new people but over the years Ive always been up front about where I was/am in my life and always welcomed friendship and/or companionship, especially during that hard time of my life. Its really great medicine for your soul, self-esteem, and motivation to really have a good friend or good friends in your corner, without the pressure of a relationship or dating.

I don't know what your field of work is, however what got me through my hump before working at the job I have now (for the last 8 years) was Working at Home jobs. It was a HUGE help as I was job searching. I would work overnight and early AM when my daughter slept, and used my daytime hours to be with her and job hunt. I worked with a company where you could work various accounts answering customer service calls (ShopNBC, ToysRUs, American Red Cross, Cricket Wireless, etc) and I worked every account I could get a shift on. On my in between time, I brought in $2000-$2500 a month as a contractor. Anyway, thats just a thought. There are a lot of resources out there where you could do stuff at home while you are hunting so at least you can bring in a little money to save for you to begin to build your own.

 

[Waiting2goback]

I don't know what your field of work is, however what got me through my hump before working at the job I have now (for the last 8 years) was Working at Home jobs. It was a HUGE help as I was job searching. I would work overnight and early AM when my daughter slept, and used my daytime hours to be with her and job hunt. I worked with a company where you could work various accounts answering customer service calls (ShopNBC, ToysRUs, American Red Cross, Cricket Wireless, etc) and I worked every account I could get a shift on. On my in between time, I brought in $2000-$2500 a month as a contractor. Anyway, thats just a thought. There are a lot of resources out there where you could do stuff at home while you are hunting so at least you can bring in a little money to save for you to begin to build your own.

How do you find the legit at home jobs though. There are TONS of scams out there.

 

[LaLalovesWDW]

How do you find the legit at home jobs though. There are TONS of scams out there.

Yes, you are absolutely right and it took me years to get my list together and weed out the scams. I would be happy to send it to you. Many of them you apply to just as a regular job... there are two types - contractor or employee. Just keep in mind that if you take a job with a work at home firm as an employee (such as Cloud 10) you will not be able to contract. For me, I enjoyed contracting because I could work many different accounts and schedule my own shifts. I don't get any kick backs or anything for sharing my list (unless you WANT to donate to my Disney Obsession fund lol_. The list is probably about 2 years old, so some of the info may have changed but not much. You'd be surprised which companies hire people who work from home - Jetblue, some sectors of Disney (I think only through a contractor though), Apple, 1800Flowers, PopaLock, Comcast... they are definitely out there.

 

[MannyB]

Not a woman but my advice is as follows... take it for what it's worth:

- You don't have to tell everything about yourself..in fact most women want a hint of mystery. Once you go on dates and build a rapport with someone you don't need to feel obligated to let them know your marriage situation, how many kids, career situation, etc. Don't lie or be mis-leading, but at the same time in many cases less is more.

- I have no clue what you look like and frankly don't need to... but be aware that you don't come across as "trying too hard" in your pictures or portraying discrepancies that would create skepticism. Photos need to be natural and up to date. A woman can spot a guy secretly flexing or sucking in a gut and will disqualify you off the bat. Own who you are because that is who they are going to get. Use only recent photos.



Now for this one I am going to bring some man to man tough love...hope you take it as me trying to offer help and not just trying to upset you.

- Above all else having said all this..make sure you really are in the right point of your life to be dating again. I come at you constructively when I say that if the ink isn't even dry on your divorce (let alone not even finalized), still hunting for a job, and may still be in the midst of some legality issues with your children... then dating right now may be a recipe for disaster.

Dating is expensive...especially dating online as a man where you have the potential to meet a to of people where it is almost a requirement to talk to them in person at least once. It is also very time consuming. Last year I ended a 5 year relationship and jumped back into the dating pool and though it was exciting/fun... the amount of resources I invested before finding "The One" (which FYI I will be proposing in 2 weeks!) was a bit staggering from the standpoint of time, money, and priorities.

I would think in the grand scope of your divorce that your priorities would certainly put your children and your career at the top and should demand almost all your attention. The last thing you would want is to jeopardize any of this by getting drawn into the dating world again.

Guy to guy... I would tell you that I would strongly advise finalizing everything with the divorce, securing a great job, and assuring that the children who are having to endure the nastiness of the situation are all tended to and your happiness comes from that. Once the dust has settled I think you will find you will be in a better mindset to start dating and women will respond.

 

[MinnieEsq]

I'm a woman, and quite familiar with online dating - it's how I met my husband! Here's my take:

Having 4 kids, on its own, might not be the sort of thing that'd be a huge hindrance - it could be very attractive to some women and be a turnoff to others, so it's conceivable in that situation that you'd just sort of "break even" in terms of how many favorable responses you get.

However, I think most people (not just women) want a partner with some level of financial stability. So being unemployed while *also* having 4 children (which can be a considerable financial burden) is very likely scaring some people off.

The biggest issue here though, far and away, is the fact that you aren't yet divorced. This is a *HUGE* red flag to any woman with an ounce of common sense! Not because of anything about you in particular, but merely because I think everyone's heard plenty of stories of men going onto online dating sites, telling some tall tale about being "separated, but not yet divorced," and stringing along gullible women for ages while never leaving their wives (who they may not be "separated" from at all). It's one of the oldest tricks in the book, so smart women are of course going to be wary when someone indicates on their profile that their divorce isn't finalized. Add to that the fact that - (if I'm reading your later posts correctly) - you still live with your wife, and most women would not touch this situation with a ten-foot pole. Again, this isn't a reflection on you, but rather a result of how people usually hear these situations will go. It's simply too much risk, and no one wants to be taken for a fool that way. It's so risky, in fact, that I think YOU should be wary of any woman who messages you right now with things the way they are, because she frankly probably doesn't have it all together herself, or at least may lack basic awareness about the world.

Hopefully that doesn't sound too cynical, just my perspective. But once you've sorted out your divorce and got a handle on your job situation, online dating could certainly work for you! I'm a believer, and I've seen plenty of people find happiness that way. Hope this was helpful, and best of luck to you!