Question for parents who spank...Updated further down

[meandtheguys2]

Such a good point Aunt Polly! Not caving is the hardest part! When I worked in residential treatment, the staff of 20 could do what no parent could do in being consistent! I believe to this day that this, in some ways, actually undermined the treatment of these kids. The parents didn't have the back-up to tag-team a difficult time like we did. And they would give in because it was just too hard!

 

[bananiem]

It can be immediate without hitting.

Hate to quote Dr. Phil, but he says that children need to be able to predict with 100% certainty what will happen if they misbehave. It's the lack of consistancy that screws people up, and not the type of punishment.

My friends always thought I was too hard on DD and I never hit her -- I just never ever bluffed. My friends cave all the time, the spankers and the non-spankers alike.

I agree with you whole-heartedly. I think this is what I've been trying to say.

 

[bananiem]

Such a good point Aunt Polly! Not caving is the hardest part! When I worked in residential treatment, the staff of 20 could do what no parent could do in being consistent! I believe to this day that this, in some ways, actually undermined the treatment of these kids. The parents didn't have the back-up to tag-team a difficult time like we did. And they would give in because it was just too hard!

I feel the same way about the kids I had that the parents put on Ritalin, even though I had NO problems with them. They just needed consistent boundaries.
But I'm assuming you didn't spank the residents. Correct?

 

[disneymom3]

when DD and I are out to eat and there are children who are misbehaving... She will say "that little kid needs to go to the bathroom".
When they were little and if they misbehaved, I would take them to the bathroom for talk or a swat if necessary. As they got a bit bigger, if they misbehaved, all that was necessary was for me to say "Do you NEED to go to the BATHROOM?" That was all it took.)

LOL! My sister tells a story of her middle child being asked in a restaurant by his dad, "Do you need to go for a walk?" Big brother was sitting there whispering, "NO! Do NOT agree to go on a walk! You do NOT want to take a walk! Just believe me!" But little brother did not listen and cheerfully told his dad, "Okay!" Big brother just shook his head and little brother was a little less cheerful when he came back from his walk.

 

[meandtheguys2]

I feel the same way about the kids I had that the parents put on Ritalin, even though I had NO problems with them. They just needed consistent boundaries.
But I'm assuming you didn't spank the residents. Correct?

Nope . But it took the staff of twenty to deal with them! Blessedly my boys do not have those same issues! Have a good evening!

 

[Kermit]

I also agree that you have to be consistent. There are no empty commands at our house. We pick our battles, but when we tell Jacob to do something, we see that he does it promptly. Right now, he's 2, so we can physically make him do whatever we ask. At this age, usually the things he does "wrong" are going somewhere he shouldn't be or holding something he shouldn't have, so we move him or take away whatever he has. As he gets older, the kinds of behaviors we discipline for will start to change, and we'll start to use other forms of discipline as he starts to understand how the crime and punishment are related. Because DH was spanked incorrectly, we probably won't spank. DH isn't comfortable with it.

I think that the important thing is that your kids do what you say the first time you say it. Parents need to understand that the second they tell their children to do something, they've committed themselves to making sure that their children follow through. If they don't, it's the parents' responsibility to see that it happens or that the children are punished. There is no counting to 3 in our house.

I think the saddest thing I ever saw happened in the Target parking lot the other day. A little boy, about 3 or 4, was in the middle of the parking lot where he could be run over and his mom was on the side where it was safer. She just kept telling him over and over to get out of the street, but she didn't do anything about it. After she had begged him about 5 times, she said (in a tone of voice that implied that this would be horrendous if she ever did it), "I'm going to stop counting to 3 and make you do things the first time I ask." I hope she thinks about that sentence and actually decides to do it. I hate to think what the kid is going to get away with in the future if he runs around in the middle of the street today.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Since this is a spanking thread, can I ask a question?

If you routinely or occasionally spank, would you ever spank your child in front of company?

I have been put in a very uncomfortable position a few times when I have been at another family's house, and the dad would spank one of the kids. In front of me. I just think it is unfair to the child, (who is just as embarrassed I am, I am sure) and to me, for putting me in a situation where I feel uncomfortable.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I think the saddest thing I ever saw happened in the Target parking lot the other day. A little boy, about 3 or 4, was in the middle of the parking lot where he could be run over and his mom was on the side where it was safer. She just kept telling him over and over to get out of the street, but she didn't do anything about it. After she had begged him about 5 times, she said (in a tone of voice that implied that this would be horrendous if she ever did it), "I'm going to stop counting to 3 and make you do things the first time I ask." I hope she thinks about that sentence and actually decides to do it. I hate to think what the kid is going to get away with in the future if he runs around in the middle of the street today.

What would of been really sad is if the kid got hit by a car BEFORE she got to 3!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I also agree that you have to be consistent. There are no empty commands at our house. We pick our battles, but when we tell Jacob to do something, we see that he does it promptly. Right now, he's 2, so we can physically make him do whatever we ask. At this age, usually the things he does "wrong" are going somewhere he shouldn't be or holding something he shouldn't have, so we move him or take away whatever he has. As he gets older, the kinds of behaviors we discipline for will start to change, and we'll start to use other forms of discipline as he starts to understand how the crime and punishment are related. Because DH was spanked incorrectly, we probably won't spank. DH isn't comfortable with it.

I think that the important thing is that your kids do what you say the first time you say it. Parents need to understand that the second they tell their children to do something, they've committed themselves to making sure that their children follow through. If they don't, it's the parents' responsibility to see that it happens or that the children are punished. There is no counting to 3 in our house.

I think the saddest thing I ever saw happened in the Target parking lot the other day. A little boy, about 3 or 4, was in the middle of the parking lot where he could be run over and his mom was on the side where it was safer. She just kept telling him over and over to get out of the street, but she didn't do anything about it. After she had begged him about 5 times, she said (in a tone of voice that implied that this would be horrendous if she ever did it), "I'm going to stop counting to 3 and make you do things the first time I ask." I hope she thinks about that sentence and actually decides to do it. I hate to think what the kid is going to get away with in the future if he runs around in the middle of the street today.

The counting to 3 sort of works at our house. DD pushes the limit. She waits until 2 to do what you say because she KNOWS she gets in trouble at 3.

Sometimes I feel at such a loss with my 3 year old. I had read all of the books on babies and toddlers so at least I had an idea of what was normal and how I wanted to deal with it. But I really feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants with DD. I know that's what parents do sometimes, but I like to have some ideas in my head.

Can anyone recommend a good book for 3 year olds on up? I really like Gentle Discipline techniques. Has anyone read Dr. Sears book?

Sorry to go off topic.

 

[Southern4sure]

Since this is a spanking thread, can I ask a question?

If you routinely or occasionally spank, would you ever spank your child in front of company?

I have been put in a very uncomfortable position a few times when I have been at another family's house, and the dad would spank one of the kids. In front of me. I just think it is unfair to the child, (who is just as embarrassed I am, I am sure) and to me, for putting me in a situation where I feel uncomfortable.

I am consistant with discipline, this is why it has been years since I had to spank/swat/whip/hit/abuse or whatever we all want to call it. When my boys reached the age of 5 or 6 or round about, this is what I would say: If you do not want to be embarassed with a spanking in public, do not do anything to embarrasse me in public. Of course my boys knew what I meant by embarrass. I never had to spank in pubic, but just my boys knowing I stood behind what I said was enough for them to know, if they pushed the buttons to far, I would follow through. Kids learn at an early age what is expected of them. As a parent it is our duty to train a child and you need to talk to your child/ren about priviledges and what the consequences are. I never expect more out of my sons than I know what they are capable of doing based on their ages.

I have been embarrassed with a friend of mine while out shopping. Her two boys (mine you, they were like 7 y and 9 y) had her wrapped around their finger. If they didn't get what they wanted, they'd start crying and it would escalate back and forth between mom and kids to the point the kids would throw up. Mom would cave in because she was embarrassed over the rucous and wanted to leave the store. Mom would always have an excuse like the kids were coming down with a cold or something. Her kids were always sick then, because her kids always were throwing up in public.

Southern4sure

 

[Toby'sFriend]

To the person who posted that kids used to behave back when they were spanked: I think that if you would poll the prison population, about 95% of them would have experienced intense physical "discipline" as a child. I doubt that many of them had parents who never laid a hand on them.

not quite true. First it would not be anywhere near 95%. Second, you will find a good portion who come from abusive situations. Abuse and spanking are not equal. You will find that many people living in abuse suffer physical attacks for reasons such as running into Mom as she emerges from a painful drug induced hangover or waking Dad up from his 4 hour nap before he leaves for the bar that night. This is not discipline and it is not spanking.

These people have a hard time learning to correllate bad behavior with consequences because for them consequences are just as likely to occur with good behavior, in between behavior or sometimes just breathing. In addition, probably not 95% but a sizeable portion of people in prison originate from broken, low income homes where parental discipline is erratic at best and most often missing altogether.

Again, that has nothing to do with a 4 year old being spanked for misbehavior. I honestly don't know of any individual driven to a life a crime because they were smacked a couple of times on the butt as a 4 year old when they kicked the dog.

 

[auntpolly]

Again, that has nothing to do with a 4 year old being spanked for misbehavior. I honestly don't know of any individual driven to a life a crime because they were smacked a couple of times on the butt as a 4 year old when they kicked the dog.

We really don't know this, though do we? And even still, my big concern is not that spanking will lead to a life of crime -- it's that it propagates the idea of hurting someone to achieve an end.

No, a person might not end up in jail because of a few swats on the butt, but we really don't have a way to measure what damage is done.

If you hit a child, you can't help but be giving him the message that inflicting pain is an acceptable way to get them to do what you want them to do.

 

[disneymom3]

Since this is a spanking thread, can I ask a question?

If you routinely or occasionally spank, would you ever spank your child in front of company?

I have been put in a very uncomfortable position a few times when I have been at another family's house, and the dad would spank one of the kids. In front of me. I just think it is unfair to the child, (who is just as embarrassed I am, I am sure) and to me, for putting me in a situation where I feel uncomfortable.

No, I would not spank my child in front of others, just as I would not give them a "talking to" in front of anyone else either. They will get "the look" in public and I will silently take their hand and bring them to my side while we are out somewhere else, but any kind of discipline or reprimand is between the child and the parent and they do not need others to be watching them be corrected. Mine at least, would be embarrassed and that is not the point of why I am correcting them.

 

[Christine]

One child has lied to me about the Game Cube being left out. Once. Never happened again. He didn't llike having it taken away 'cause it's his favorite thing. But if you ask him he'll say he knew that would be the consequence.
I feel that the punishment has to tie into the crime somehow. I feel that the loss of the privilege of playing his 30 minutes a day is a way to teach him than a swat on the behind.
I have also taught my kids that if they own up there may or may not be a punishment depending on the rule broken. If I find out they lied to me they'll get a bigger punsihment. (Hence my story about the Game Cube being taken away for a week vs. a month).

You see, Ann, I would never spank or "swat" my kids for leaving the Game Cube out. Just like you, it would be taken away. A swat is only given for a really serious offense. There aren't too many of those, but if I walked in and saw my 10 year old twisting by dog's leg (for the third time after repeated warnings), I would swiftly walk over to him with my "LOOK" and grab him by his body and remove him from the dog and immediately he would go to his room. A pull on the shoulders, a physical movement of him from the offense, is just like a "swat" to me of a toddler. But, no, no swatting or physical stuff needed for leaving toys lying about. And I don't think too many people are spanking for stuff like that.

 

[MELSMICE]

I don't spank my kids, I just find that other forms of punishment are better suited for our house, but I won't judge those that do.

 

[bananiem]

Nope . But it took the staff of twenty to deal with them! Blessedly my boys do not have those same issues! Have a good evening!

I think you missed the point of my post. You were able to restrain yourself from using your hand against the residents, who in your words had worse problems than your children, yet you admit to using your hand on your own children who have lesser issues. Are you saying that if there were 20 people with you at home you'd handle it differently? And if so, why not just handle it differently from the get-go?
Does anybody else see this as strange?

 

[meandtheguys2]

I think you missed the point of my post. You were able to restrain yourself from using your hand against the residents, who in your words had worse problems than your children, yet you admit to using your hand on your own children who have lesser issues. Are you saying that if there were 20 people with you at home you'd handle it differently? And if so, why not just handle it differently from the get-go?
Does anybody else see this as strange?

Perhaps you have missed the points in my posts. It isn't a matter of "restraining" myself, because I am not acting out of anger. I would never raise my children under any state regulations or psycho babble. I have seen the mental health industry as well as the teaching industry follow every new fad, and frankly I am not impressed with the results. The world is not a happier, non violent place. Crime is not on the decline.

I use methods that I have personally experienced and witnessed to produce the results that we are looking toward in rearing our children. Your OP suggested that you are not intending to be judgemental, but I would suggest that is the entire purpose of this thread.

Abuse is abuse whether mental or physical. Discipline is NEVER abuse.

 

[bananiem]

Your OP suggested that you are not intending to be judgemental, but I would suggest that is the entire purpose of this thread.

I truly did not mean to be judgmental and I really do want to understand. I just can't grasp how someone can work with kids that in all honesty probably deserve a swat, and not do it. Yet can turn around and swat their own flesh and blood. I don't mean to be judgmental but I do want to understand. If there were techniques (behavior modification, for example) that worked for those residents, why not use those on your children?

 

[disneyjunkie]

I truly did not mean to be judgmental and I really do want to understand. I just can't grasp how someone can work with kids that in all honesty probably deserve a swat, and not do it. Yet can turn around and swat their own flesh and blood. I don't mean to be judgmental but I do want to understand. If there were techniques (behavior modification, for example) that worked for those residents, why not use those on your children?

Maybe you need to realize that no matter what you're told, you'll never understand, or agree. You may not mean to judgmental but your post sure are coming across that way.

I don't spank my students because I'd be unemployed if I did. I've had plenty of parents tell to spank their kids, but I'd never do it.

 

[Southern4sure]

Can I add a little?

It is not as hard as you think. Discipline works both ways...for parents and for the children. Discipline for the adult is knowing you cannot touch someone elses child for any reason whether a "swat" is deserved or not. I have worked at my kids school for many years and yes there are kids who need a swat. The school facility is stuck with putting up with the child's behavior because their hands are tied. In this instance, the child is/was old enough to know this and used it to his advantage. The parents were no help. So yes you try anything and everything....sometimes it works, but most times it doesn't.
You have to have restraint, society mandates it. In your on home, society does not rule your home. You are still using discipline by giving warnings and such, but if the child continues to disobey intentionally, it is up the the parent to decide if a swat is necassary. Society cannot fault you for swatting your own child in you own home, unless there is proof of abuse such as marks, whelps, bruises and such. The kids I know who have been swatted, are great kids. They get the swat and go on. Most kids who are abused are liked whipped puppies. They are introverts. I have been around 1 abused child. I'm sorry to say, but I knew something was wrong the minute I saw her, there were no bruises, but she eventually told the school principal. She was only 10 at the time.

Southern4sure