Question for parents who spank...Updated further down

[bananiem]

Let me start by saying that I am not trying to judge, just understand.
I understand that everybody has a bad day and that the occassional spank happens. This is not a question for you. My question is for those who spank routinely as a form of discipline.
In a variety of professions people work with children who misbehave, break rules, and make bad choices. Some that come to mind are school teachers, preschool teachers, teachers in childcare centers, doctors, nurses, dentists, psychologist, psychiatrist, social workers... None of these people can use their hand against the child.
Question- Do you think that other forms of discipline are not as effective? Do you think that other forms of discipline should be used secondary to spanking? Do you think these people should have the right to use spanking to bring about the desired behavior?
I'm not making this sound right. I truly don't want to judge and only want to understand.
But my thoughts are that if these outside people are able to turn the unwanted behavior around without using spanking, doesn't it seem that a parent should be able to as well?

 

[Christine]

But my thoughts are that if these outside people are able to turn the unwanted behavior around without using spanking, doesn't it seem that a parent should be able to as well?

It's not so black and white. Just remember, when a child is at preschool with 20 of his buddies watching, and a few teachers there, a time-out is going to be MUCH MORE effective than it will be at home.

I "swatted" a few times when my children were very young. Mainly to get their attention. Both of my kids have ADHD and for the most part some time of "hands on" behavior is necessary to get them to stop behaviors. That doesn't mean spanking or slapping, but it does mean putting your hands or their shoulders and looking into their eyes. Anything to distract them. Also, time outs never really worked with my kids. They seemed to back fire constantly. Weird. But, I don't think you can compare what is done outside the home as to what is done in the home. There are different motivational factors in a school or daycare setting than in the home.

 

[curlyjbs]

Dh and I believe in daily spankings...........whether he needs them or not!

curly

 

[bananiem]

Dh and I believe in daily spankings...........whether he needs them or not!

curly

 

[Jasminesmommy]

I spank ONLY when they do something and all else has failed so not often but I think there is nothing wrong with it. Look at the world today spanking is not allowed and the kids are out of control. Back in the spanking days you could go out and not have to worry becuase you had had well behaved children.

Flame suit on now for the people who THINK there kids are paerfect with out spankings.

 

[Christine]

Flame suit on now for the people who THINK there kids are paerfect with out spankings.

Well, the parents of perfect kids who don't need spanking should not be on this thread, right? I mean it is titled: Question for parents who spank..."

But, it probably won't take long for them to come here and do their preaching.

 

[ElizK]

I spanked infrequently with both my kids. For my older DD, it wasn't necessary. She was fairly compliant. Basically used a swat if she had done something dangerous (like when she ran out into the street), or for the few times she was willfully disobedient. Time-outs worked well with her.

My younger DD wasn't so easy. She had a bit more of a mind of her own. She couldn't have cared less about time outs. She'd get up and do whatever had gotten her in trouble again! Still, even she wasn't spanked often. I could probably count on one hand how many times she was swatted in a year. When I did spank, I always explained why first, swatted her once or twice, asked if she understood why she had been spanked, and then we snuggled for a few minutes.

I was very careful NEVER to spank when I was angry. I know the damage I could do if I did that. Often I would send her to her room until I was calmed down.

 

[KristiKelly]

In our house spanking is usually used as a last resort.

I did spank DD in the Walmart parking lot a couple of years ago. I had my hands full & pushing the cart. I told DS to hold onto my coat & DD's hand. We got outside to the parking lot & DD screamed "I don't want to hold his hand" and tookoff running into the Walmart traffic. All of the cars stopped, I dropped everything, grabbed her by the arm & gave her 3 pops on the butt right there in front of everyone (even one of our pastor's wife). I didn't need a "quick fix" for her, I needed "immediate fix". Did it work, sure did.

We have never beaten our kids or anything remotely close, but if we're out in public & one starts acting up, all I have to do is say "do I need to find the bathroom?" - they stop. Usually though, we take things away, tv, x-box, skateboard, etc or time-out for little things. Different situations require different punishment & different punishments work differently with each child.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

But my thoughts are that if these outside people are able to turn the unwanted behavior around without using spanking, doesn't it seem that a parent should be able to as well?

I think anyone with kids will agree that usually they reserve their worst behavior for you.

I guess the question is what do you consider spanking? A quick swat on the butt or an all out spanking -

I would never spank my child hard enough to hurt them - but a quick swat can hurt their feelings and that usually gets their attention. Before there is a swat chances are she had been in time out two or three times, I have counted to 3 a zillion times and nothing else is getting her attention. and truthfully now usually the threat that I am going to "spank" her stops her dead in her tracks.

For the record I have only swatted her butt two or three times.

 

[bananiem]

Let's say the kids are over the age of 4. And this is not just a random thing once ina while when they do something dangerous. I'm wondering about the parents who ROUTINELY use spanking as their first choice in discipline.

 

[Christine]

Let's say the kids are over the age of 4. And this is not just a random thing once ina while when they do something dangerous. I'm wondering about the parents who ROUTINELY use spanking as their first choice in discipline.

I guess I don't know ANYONE who does this anymore. I think most parents try to give the kid a chance or two to stop, before resorting to spanking.

 

[chobie]

But, it probably won't take long for them to come here and do their preaching.

Feeling a bit defensive, are we? I guess I'm a parent who spanks because I have spanked my kids a few times over the years, but I don't believe it helped and I regretted not having had the dealt with the situation in what I would consider a better way. I won't judge those who believe in spanking, though. What I have personally noticed from friends who spank is that they also apply other punishments that I think are extreme, like putting Tabasco on the tongues of toddlers for "lying". I'll admit that their kids do seem better behaved at times then mine, but I personally don't think being blindly obedient to authority because they have the power to hurt you is something my children need to learn. I'm not saying that's what spanking teaches necessarily, or that is what people are spank are trying to teach, I'm just going on my observations, kind of like the people who observe non-spanked kids as being horrible brats.

 

[snoopy]

I don't spank mine anymore, but did when they were toddlers only when I needed to get their attention and fast. An example would be when my youngest was getting ready to put his hand on a hot burner....he got a spanking for that. I also spanked my older one when he almost ran out in front of a car.

Our preferred method of punishment was timeouts. We found they were more effective in disciplining our kids, who both are very vocal and enjoy being the center of attention. To go in timeout where they couldn't be either was always a deterrant from repeating the behavior that landed them in timeout.

 

[dturner]

Let's say the kids are over the age of 4. And this is not just a random thing once ina while when they do something dangerous. I'm wondering about the parents who ROUTINELY use spanking as their first choice in discipline.

I try and NEVER spank DS only because I was spanked as a child and I think my parents went overboard (i.e., pulling my hair and pulling it out as I was running away, spanked with the wood heel of a slipper which left marks and spanked with the cord of my curling iron - I was a teen but it still hurt!!)

 

[KristiKelly]

Let's say the kids are over the age of 4. And this is not just a random thing once ina while when they do something dangerous. I'm wondering about the parents who ROUTINELY use spanking as their first choice in discipline.

I do not think that is right & there may be some deeper issues with that parent. That's how my mom was when my brother & I were growing up. She would yell & use a belt on us. I think at the time she had issues as well. She & my dad separated when I was 6 mo. old & divorce shortly after. I don't think she ever got passed that & had so much anger & bitterness bottled up and she took it out on us. I do remember hating her for it. I will NOT do that to my kids.

Now that I think about it, I don't think DD has ever really been spanked, just swatted firmly on the butt a few times. DS has been really spanked once, don't remember now what it was, but I do remember that it had been ungoing for awhile & time-out & taking things away had not worked.

 

[eeyore kelly]

if these outside people are able to turn the unwanted behavior around without using spanking, doesn't it seem that a parent should be able to as well?

But sometimes they are not able to turn Behavior around.

Case in Point: DS at the beginning of the school year was forging my name, not doing homework, sassing teachers, failing a subject. We punished bad and rewarded good behavior. Made him apologize to the teacher he sassed in front of us. School followed same reward/punish policy. DH sent me and DD shopping, (I knew what was going to happen) Spanked DS, and bingo there was the turn-around. From Progress to report card DS brought failing grade from an F to a C, quit being a smart mouth, and was on the right track. 1 spanking did what 7+ people couldn't do working together. We don't spank often, and I don't like doing it, or agreeing to it, but sometimes it's called for, and can be the only thing that works.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>I spanked both of mine, but I can count on one hand how many times. One thing I will not tolerate is open defiance, and they both deserved what they got. I spanked them when they were 11 & 9 for truly misbehaving. I very rarely put my dd on restriction, and I've only had to punish my ds once since then. I'm lucky, though. I have pretty good kids.

Oh - one time I did spank my ds out of anger, but I barely brushed his behind w/an up/down motion - he barely felt it. However, I did pop a vein when I hit a snap on his jeans.... I showed him & said, "You know how us parents always say this hurts me more than you - well, it's true." He just laughed at me. (He & my dd still do laugh about that)

I'll always remember what a nun told us parents once.

Something like.... "Do not spank your children. Treat them with love and nurturing to guide them. Talk to them, and teach them the right way. When they misbehave, put them on time out. But, if you do need to spank them, spank them hard so they'll never forget it."

That made me laugh - it was so out of character with how they treated our children - very lovingly.

Usually, when the kids misbehaved, I made them write an essay on what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and how they were going to correct it. I had them do this at home, and at school when I got a call that they had done something.

One time, my daughter had to do an essay for not turning in work, and she was mad at me for having to do the essay, so she kicked her brother. I told her, "You just added another paragraph."

Her essay to the teacher included comments like,

"My mom is making me write this essay, and I hope that the other kids who didn't turn in their work got into trouble like me....

.... I saw my brother's leg, and thought why not, so I kicked him."

I still have that essay.

 

[KristiKelly]

I try and NEVER spank DS only because I was spanked as a child and I think my parents went overboard (i.e., pulling my hair and pulling it out as I was running away, spanked with the wood heel of a slipper which left marks and spanked with the cord of my curling iron - I was a teen but it still hurt!!)

DTurner, I'm sorry that happened & I don't mean to start anything but to me that doesn't sound like spanking but more on the lines of abuse or beating. I hope you've gotten past it & let it be an example of how NOT to raise your kids. That's what I've tried to do.

I remember watching Oprah once & a lady who had not had the happiest childhood said "The best way to get back at my mom is to be the mother that I always wanted". I try to do that for my kids.

 

[LoraJ]

I think using a belt on someone and a spanking are two different things. To me a spanking is a swat on the behind.

My parents spanked me a few times, and I deserved it, don't hate them for it at all.

 

[disneymom3]

Hmmm, I know lots of parents who spank occassionally but none who do so routinely. I was a toddler teacher for many years before I had kids and was a darn good one. I had the BEST class in the center by far and obviously never hit or spanked any of the kids. Once, when DD was three almost 4, she got spanked because I just lost it. DH was out of town for 10 days, I had a two week old baby with severe health problems, I was not getting any sleep and she sassed back to me and I smacked her behind. I was convinced I had just ruined 3.5 years of great parenting and I cried and cried! My boys have been spanked, but never in anger and only after I have decided that that was going to be the punishment if xyz happened again or in my youngests case, for blatant disobedience.

Over the age of 4, I don't know. DH was spanked pretty regularly when he was a kid older than 4 and has some residual negative feelings about it. But he was always spanked very differently from the way we spank. (No discussion or comforting after the fact, very sudden and unexpected, etc.) I will be interested to see the responses and if any are constructive.