Question about parenting.

[Maridw]

Why is it when you have only had one child and your become a grandparent, people with more than one child feel you don't know a thing about parenting.

My DD is an only child and I think I did okay raising her. She recently had our first DGD. Most of my friends are parents of more than one child. My best friend seems to think that I do not know how to take care of a child. One night she really pushed me too far. She got my DD upset and that got my upset. She actually took my DGD away from my DD because DGD was really upset. DD got up and walked out of the dance studio in tears. I took DGD from my friend and went after my DD. I got DD settled and then we got DGD settled. When we went back into the studio, my friend wanted to take DGD away from me because I was too stressed. I just turned to her and told her that I was fine and DGD was fine. I had it under control.


My DD & I were recently out shopping and DGD was really fussy. We ran into another friend (also a multiple parent) and it was like "grandma, you have to stand and walk around". I felt like these people don't think I have a clue.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I guess the 'holier than thou', nobody can parent as well as 'I' can issue even applies to grandparents!!!!

 

[RebeccaB]

ugh...people are so inconsiderate sometimes. It's as if they speak before they think.
I am a parent to an only, she's 9. I was told several times by people who have more than one child "oh, you don't really understand" and I actually had someone say I wasn't really a parent because I only had one child to deal with. Well heck, I have an older brother so I know what it was like with the two of us.
Maybe it's because you are a new grandma? Not that it makes it better, but when I was a new parent I had people constantly telling me how to parent correctly. I made darn sure I wasn't like that with my friends when they became parents

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think people mean well but it may come off as wrong. Maybe your friend just wanted to help. I know it is annoying but sometimes things just come out. It's like when my sister has a headache and I ask her if she tok a tylenol for it. Well duh! It's not like she is an idiot and never had a headache before. It is just a reaction.

As for parents of onlies- No- I do not think that you are terrible parents without a clue. I do however believe that you don't know what it is like to have many children since you don't have many children. Having a sibling is not the same thing. It is not meant to be an insult. It's like me trying to give parenting advice about teens. My kids aren't teens yet so how could I possibly know what they are really like? KWIM?

 

[powellrj]

I had an only for 8 years before DS was born and people would tell me that you really weren't a parent until you had more than one. I use to get insulted, but now that I have 3, I kind of understand what they mean. You are still a parent, but its different when you have an only. I don't know how to discribe it.

As for your friends, maybe they are just trying to help you because you appear overwhelmed????? Its hard to say unless you are actually there to see the interaction. If it was so overwhelming that there were tears, maybe your friend thought you needed help?

 

[Maridw]

Before my DGD was born, my friend always made comments about how people handle their kids. She & her mother both said sometimes you just have to let a baby cry. My mother told me the same thing when I had my DD and I did it, you don't like it, but sometimes its fine.

My DD was at the dance school with DGD and she was barely fussing (not even crying) and my friend was over there picking her up. Her mother also won't leave DGD if she is just barely fussy. They have to pick her up. Then DGD really gets fussy.

I mean really take your own advice. Let the child fuss.

The day we were out shopping and she was fussy, she was just that - fussy. We ended up walking around Target because she wasn't wet, wasn't hungry - just fussy. I was holding her up to my chest and we walked. Next thing she practically toppled over in my arms, sound asleep. She was basically tired of being in her car seat and wanted to be out of it so she could stretch. Once she was asleep she was fine.

My friend complains about the way people raise their kids, but she doesn't have room to talk. I don't know how her son turned out the way he did, but he is going to be a great parent (expecting his first child on the 25th). It sure wasn't because of her. Her daughter was and still is a spoiled brat. She is 23 and dances at the studio and talks back to her mother all the time. If J wants something, she gets it.

When we raised my DD, she never had to want for things, but we did not give in to her. She learned you had to pay the consequences for what ever you did.

 

[Sarah_Rose]

I really have nothing to add on this topic (except maybe a ) because my LO isn't here yet, but can I just say that you guys are freaking me out!!!! I like to think that I'm going to do a good job as a mother, but YIKES, I don't want to deal with the constant second-guessing from others!

 

[JerseyJanice]

I think your friend is the one with the problem, not you. I bet she bosses around her other friends and families when it comes to parenting.

I have an only son. I didn't set out to have an only, but it's what I got. You can't always get what you want in this world. I've heard some incredibly rude comments about parents of only children over the years, but as DS gets older, I hear them less and less.

DS is turning out beautifully; he is being raised with several close friends and cousins, and my talent for getting children to behave has become a legend among my family and friends. I have a knack for straightening kids out. At parties, people look for me to fix it when the kids start acting up. I don't mean to brag, but my mothering skills are well regarded now, and I don't expect that to change once I become a grandmother. That is, should the Good Lord be so kind to give me such a blessing.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I really have nothing to add on this topic (except maybe a ) because my LO isn't here yet, but can I just say that you guys are freaking me out!!!! I like to think that I'm going to do a good job as a mother, but YIKES, I don't want to deal with the constant second-guessing from others!

People, well-meaning and not, will second guess you as a mother, I can guarantee it. The only way to deal with it is to be confident in your decisions. At the same time, you have to not be afraid to ask for advice from people whose parenting skills you admire.

 

[powellrj]

.

My DD was at the dance school with DGD and she was barely fussing (not even crying) and my friend was over there picking her up. Her mother also won't leave DGD if she is just barely fussy. They have to pick her up. Then DGD really gets fussy.

I mean really take your own advice. Let the child fuss.

The day we were out shopping and she was fussy, she was just that - fussy. We ended up walking around Target because she wasn't wet, wasn't hungry - just fussy. I was holding her up to my chest and we walked. Next thing she practically toppled over in my arms, sound asleep. She was basically tired of being in her car seat and wanted to be out of it so she could stretch. Once she was asleep she was fine.

I think I see the problem here. You let the child fuss at home, not out in public. There is a huge difference between letting them cry it out at home and pushing them in a cart at Target. You said she was just fussy, no she was sleepy and didn't need to be pushed around Target bothering other shoppers. You said she was fussy at the dance studio, your DD should have taken her out not let her fuss and bother others. My DD takes dance and nothing is more annoying than other kids fussing and whining. I think your friend was letting you know your DD needed to tend to her child and not let her fuss and bother other people.

 

[kpm76]

I think the mentality that you don't know what it's like to parent until you have more than one is ridiculous. Having only one child does not make you less of a parent. While it is literally true that parents of onlys don't know what it is like to raise more than one, what is the point to saying or thinking that way??? So what?! Many people make decisions about the size of their family for a variety of reasons. We have a 3 yr old DD and I am expecting a boy in August. We are done after that. Not because we will have one of each, but because 2 children is manageable for us. Sticking to 2 kids will allow us to continue to do all of the things we love, including travel. I guess I should wait to hear from the moms of more than 2 kids who will tell me I don't know what it's like to parent until DH and I are outnumbered.

 

[kpm76]

I think I see the problem here. You let the child fuss at home, not out in public. There is a huge difference between letting them cry it out at home and pushing them in a cart at Target. You said she was just fussy, no she was sleepy and didn't need to be pushed around Target bothering other shoppers. You said she was fussy at the dance studio, your DD should have taken her out not let her fuss and bother others. My DD takes dance and nothing is more annoying than other kids fussing and whining. I think your friend was letting you know your DD needed to tend to her child and not let her fuss and bother other people.

She said the baby was fussing though, not CIO. I guess we'd need clarification on how difficult the child was being but all babies fuss and if you stayed home or left a place every time they got fussy, you'd never get anything done and you'd be housebound. I agree though that letting a child scream for an extended period is rude....and nerve-wracking for everyone. I don't think though that it was appropriate for the friend to take it upon herself to try to soothe the baby.....ask first.

 

[Maridw]

She said the baby was fussing though, not CIO. I guess we'd need clarification on how difficult the child was being but all babies fuss and if you stayed home or left a place every time they got fussy, you'd never get anything done and you'd be housebound. I agree though that letting a child scream for an extended period is rude....and nerve-wracking for everyone. I don't think though that it was appropriate for the friend to take it upon herself to try to soothe the baby.....ask first.

While at the dance school, DGD was in a playpen and had been asleep. She started wiggling and making noises, but was NOT crying. It was after she was picked up that she started crying. She was in an out of the way area and no one was bothering her when she started getting fussy. At Target, yes she was crying. But as I said, we did realize afterward that she was tired of being in the carseat. Once I picked her up and started rocking her, she quieted down, but she didn't want to go back in the carseat right away. So we got her settled and then went home with a quiet baby instead of one screaming the whole way home.

The time when my friend got my DD & DGD upset, she kept saying "clip her nails because she is going to scratch herself". Finally she got clippers & I tried to clip them. DGD didn't want to us to hold her hands still so I could clip them and DGD got upset.

Unfortunately my friend does try to boss people around when it comes to parenting. She says one thing and then does something totally different with her DD. She criticizes everyone and how they handle things, but she can do NO wrong. I mean I love her like a sister, but sometimes she just makes me furious with how she handles things. It's times like these that I just bite my tongue because otherwise I will say the wrong thing. She has always been a good friend in other ways.

If my DGD was screaming at the dance school, I would have my DD take her home. We recently found that DGD does not like total quiet. We tried to put her down at the house one day and she was back up in 15 minutes. Got her settled, put a radio in the room and she slept over an hour - then DD went home to her house.

My DD was an excellent baby. We traveled to England at 8 mo and had no problem with her. At 18 months we came home for a visit and some people sitting in front of us didn't know she was there until we went to get off the plane. I had lots of compliments on her behavior when she was growing up so I know I did something right with her.

 

[dicar123]

I had an only for 8 years before DS was born and people would tell me that you really weren't a parent until you had more than one. I use to get insulted, but now that I have 3, I kind of understand what they mean. You are still a parent, but its different when you have an only. I don't know how to discribe it.

My mom used to say this to me. I asked her once what she meant and she replied, "You always know 'who did it'." If there was marker on the wall, I didn't have to investigate.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why do you really care what this person says? She is only bossy if you let her boss you around. Even when I had my first I made it very clear that I wanted things done MY way. You can give me all the advice you want and I will smile and nod and do what I want. You are giving her too much power.

As for being less of a parent when you only have one kid- that isn't it at all. There is simply a different dynamic. There are different personalities. You have different experience. That said if I had a question that I thought you could answer I'd still ask you.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

First, your granddaughter is adorable!!!

I have 3 kids...21, 19, and 17. They are the youngest grandchildren on both sides of the family. One of DH's sisters (and just want to say I very much like both his sisters) always seems to imply that she knows best because her kids are older...she's already been through it before. Which basically means that she sees herself as always right. Really kind of annoying.

People annoy me.

 

[Maridw]

First, your granddaughter is adorable!!!

I have 3 kids...21, 19, and 17. They are the youngest grandchildren on both sides of the family. One of DH's sisters (and just want to say I very much like both his sisters) always seems to imply that she knows best because her kids are older...she's already been through it before. Which basically means that she sees herself as always right. Really kind of annoying.

People annoy me.

Thank you. We love her lots!

And you have one of "Those" sisters. I thought I was the only one that a sister like that. I am the middle child - older sister, younger brother (six years both ways). My sister "ALWAYS" knows it all. When my DH was going from Air Force to National Guard with his squadron, she had alot to say on that. I finally shut her up by telling her that I was sure DH had looked into everything and what made him happy, made me happy. She never questioned me about it again.

In some ways my friend is like my sister, but we get along so much better than my sister and I ever did. I guess because we aren't related.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I have a different perspective for you. I have a new baby about the same age....1 month old.

While you may be ending judged on your single parenting or your single grandparenting, I think you are just suffering from new baby-Itis (like when you buy a new car and folks want to see it, touch it, drive it)

Symptoms include:

unsolicited advice from strangers

irresistable "must touch your baby" fingers

infinite requests to hold the baby

nosy busybodies that feel they must interrogate (or dd) so that they can approve or disapprove of your methods


The only cure that I know of is to do your best to ignore ingots ignore.

And whether it is my first or 20th, a non relative will lose a hand if they pick up my baby without my consent unless it is an emergency as in 911 had to be called.

Your friend crossed the line. I would have....expressed my displeasure.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Thank you. We love her lots!

And you have one of "Those" sisters. I thought I was the only one that a sister like that. I am the middle child - older sister, younger brother (six years both ways). My sister "ALWAYS" knows it all. When my DH was going from Air Force to National Guard with his squadron, she had alot to say on that. I finally shut her up by telling her that I was sure DH had looked into everything and what made him happy, made me happy. She never questioned me about it again.

In some ways my friend is like my sister, but we get along so much better than my sister and I ever did. I guess because we aren't related.

Actually, she's DH's sister. Altho, I do have an older childless sister who seems to consider herself a child-rearing expert (by virtue of the fact that she has no children, and therefore can never be accused of and held responsible for screwing them up) but she lives across the country.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

Thank you. We love her lots!

And you have one of "Those" sisters. I thought I was the only one that a sister like that. I am the middle child - older sister, younger brother (six years both ways). My sister "ALWAYS" knows it all. When my DH was going from Air Force to National Guard with his squadron, she had alot to say on that. I finally shut her up by telling her that I was sure DH had looked into everything and what made him happy, made me happy. She never questioned me about it again.

In some ways my friend is like my sister, but we get along so much better than my sister and I ever did. I guess because we aren't related.

Maybe you are a little overly sensitive because of your dynamic with your sister? It sounds like your friend was minorly annoying, but I think most people could have handled it without getting fed up and so upset.

I will also tell you I've been a parent to an only child and to two children, and I am so much more likely to take advice from someone with more than one kid. Look, I've been to WDW once, had a great experience and was completely satisfied with my vacation. I can tell other people how great what we did was and how it all worked out, but the people that have been there multiple times and have stayed at multiple resorts... they are more expert than I am. It doesn't mean I don't know how to plan a nice WDW vacation, it does mean I'm not an expert on variety. You shouldn't take that so personally. It doesn't make you less of a mom or less of a grandma, it does mean you have less experience.