Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Slow down your heart
rate. Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more vegetables?
A: You must grasp the notion of logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Corn. And what is corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (think of grass as a
green leafy vegetable). Pork chops can also give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable slop. Stop feeling guilty and think of meat
markets as cleverly disguised vegetable counters.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know,
scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal,
mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and
they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
And what is wine made of? Grapes - or put another way, fruits.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in what? Yes, that's
right - vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans: Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around! Specially if you dip fresh fruits into chocolate.
Fruit AND vegetables in one fell swoop.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food, diets and exercise. Have a cookie....flour is a veggie!
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Slow down your heart
rate. Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more vegetables?
A: You must grasp the notion of logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Corn. And what is corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (think of grass as a
green leafy vegetable). Pork chops can also give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable slop. Stop feeling guilty and think of meat
markets as cleverly disguised vegetable counters.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know,
scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal,
mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and
they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
And what is wine made of? Grapes - or put another way, fruits.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in what? Yes, that's
right - vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans: Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around! Specially if you dip fresh fruits into chocolate.
Fruit AND vegetables in one fell swoop.
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food, diets and exercise. Have a cookie....flour is a veggie!
