purchased our Disney timeshare last summer, but....

[Mahwah]

Okay this may seem silly, but here it goes!! Last July, we purchased our Disney timeshare. Hubby really bought it for me because he knows how much I LOVE Disney and enjoy the parks. My sister was in town last August so we decided just to take our mom up to the Vero Beach resort for just one night as a surprise to her for her birthday. It was just the 3 of us. We had recently found out that Mom had colon cancer, she immediately had it removed and she was fine after surgery so we thought it would be a nice treat for her. Hubby had said from the beginning, the only problem with taking Mom is that she will expect to go on every trip we go on using the timeshare. (Now this would be fine IF only Mom would behave herself. Mom's behavior can be very unpredictable. If things don't go her way, she has an attitude and then will do her very best to ruin everyone's good time!) Well.....Memorial Day weekend, we loaded up and went to Vero Beach for the weekend to celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary. We took our 2 teenage boys, they brought a friend and our 19 year old daughter came home from college with her friend and joined us. We also had our neighbors come along. We did not invite Mom. She did call me over the weekend to see what I was doing and I told her we were in Vero. She quickly hung up and nothing was said about it until just YESTERDAY. She called to tell me how hurt she was that we didn't even think of taking her and that our kids all brought friends. I was honest and told her I was sorry, but her behavior is just so unpredictable. We continued to stay on the phone for over 2 hours. I feel bad, but hubby says I shouldn't feel bad. We do things for Mom, but it is never good enough. Now......I did remind Mom we are taking her to Disney for Thanksgiving this year for 6 days. We normally go camping at Fort Wilderness for Thanksgiving, but decided to use our timeshare so then Mom could go. When I reminded her of this, she said, "That's not the point!"

 

[vicki_c]

Not really a DVC issue as much as a family issue, right? I'm not sure what to say. I don't have these problems in my family, thankfully, but I agree with your DH. No one is entitled to tag along on someone else's vaction, ever, unless they are invited (and that may have nothing at all to do with their behavior). It really wouldn't bother me to say that to my own mother (maybe In a more tactful way) if something like that ever came up. I feel strongly that family vacations are for immediate family only 99% of the time. Luckily, most of our family members feel the same.

 

[Dean]

Travel agent for guilt trip it seems.

 

[kim532]

I feel bad for you. I know what it is like to have people in the family who see thing from only one point of view. And of course it is theirs.

You have to do what is right for you and your family. As long as you know you treat your mom fair, that is all that matters. You can't control her feelings.

I admire the fact that you were honest with her about the unpredictable behavior. That would be a hard conversation to have. It sounds like you are doing all you can do.

Try to not feel guilty about your trips without her. She is not entitled to go on every trip.

Kim

 

[sweetdana]

My mom is similar. It is hard, but sometimes you have to aim to make yourself happy, and just realize that is all you can do.

Would have taking her really change anything? (In my mom's case.. nope she would have been hurt about something else, or complained I have taken sisters, or complain I spent to much money, or I didn't plan enough beach days.. or too many.)

Just hugs ...

 

[AmyB2006]

I agree, you shouldn't feel guilty.

 

[ovalhead96]

The best way to ruin a vacation is to bring someone that could bring everyone down. We have done it with both sets of grand parents, and it's the same thing.

You did the right thing

 

[luv2sleep]

I have a very difficult mother. It doesn't matter what I do because it's always wrong anyway. We actually rarely speak to preserve my sanity. Your mother is acting very immature and inconsiderate. If you want to go somewhere with your family without her because of her behavior, and you've made it clear that this is why she was not invited, she should accept it and move on, and change her behavior. If she goes on and on badgering you in 2 hour conversions (believe me, btdt, it's painful) and won't change her ways, let it go, do not feel guilty, and do not invite her unless you really want to deal with her. She's gotta grow up at some point. Mine is in her 70s and every new drama/stunt is more baffling and shocking (how could a mother act that way? stuff) than the previous. It probably won't change unfortunately.

 

[lorie13]

Guilt, what an un necessary emotion that is used to manipulate others. Do not take on the guilt your mother is trying to pass to you. I am sure you love your mother very much, but you are not in charge of her happiness, she is, just like you do not have to take on the guilt. I am sure your mother did a wonderful job of raising you but you do not owe her anything. Would you treat your children the same way in a few years? One of the worse things we do is to sacrifice our own happiness to make someone else happy when in truth if we choose to focus on what makes us happy then others around us will benefit more from who we are. Take a stand with your mother, it may be rough for awhile but down the road I believe she will respect you more for it and appreciate you and your family when you do invite her to spend time on your vacation together.

 

[brertoad]

I understand where you are coming from. I don't think your mom does.
You were celebrating an anniversary, with your husband and kids.
You mom is hurt because you took others along with you. You wanted to have a good time and enjoy the plans you made. There must have been some time in your mom's life where she had done the same thing as well, either to her parents, or to you - where she excluded them or you from some family plans, not on purpose to hurt anyone's feelings.

If you feel like you want to make it up to her, or want to make it right between you and her from here on out, ask her what does she want you to do about it now, it's already in the past, and you can't change that.

Perhaps stressing the fact that you would not have invited her along because you were treating your kids and their friends and your friends to share your weekend. Let her know that you will have plans in the future that don't include her and that she shouldn't take it personally.

If you don't want to deal with that because it's basically giving in to bad behavior, then you have to forgive yourself of any wrong doing and let it go. It's her problem.

 

[lilpooh108]

I'm going to go against the grain here....

Illness or not, your mother won't be with you and your children forever. Take this opportunity while she is well to take vacations with her. She's telling you how she feels; and she felt hurt that she wasn't invited. I don't see why that's entitled at all.

DVC is a way for families to share vacations with each other. She's telling you that she would like to participate. This probably extends to other aspects of your life as well, not just vacations.

Instead of looking at this negatively, perhaps your mother would just like to spend more time with her child and her grandchildren. Not all grandmothers are so inclined you know

Take the good with the bad and give her a hug.

 

[twinsouvenirs]

Totally get it. People tend to think that DVC is all sunk cost which it absolutely is not. I don't think you should feel guilty AT ALL... but I think a solution that leads to your sanity requires some planning. Figure out how often you feel comfortable taking her, then tell her the dates/years/intervals that you want her to join you. Sell it to her as her next trip so she is aware she isn't being cut out, and can look forward to her next trip with you (even if it isn't till 2018). Get excited with her, start planning... so she doesn't feel like it's a vacation she's not going on, rather that her date hasn't arrived yet. Also, you can definitely lay a choice complaint or two down as to how much it costs just to rent a 1 Br so she understands that it's not free for you year to year. You've probably thought of a lot of this but when we decided to take our girls to WDW for their first birthday I told my mom we would be happy to arrange for her to come along but made it clear that it wouldn't be a) free or b) in the same unit. I made her swear on a stack of bibles (figuratively) that she felt welcome--but I did not indicate that we'd bankroll it. She expressed disappointment at missing the 1st bday but said that we should not feel bad celebrating as an immediate family.

Your situation is different, but if you take care to manage expectations by perhaps giving her a concrete trip to look forward to, you might not have to worry about the years in between.

So glad for you that she beat the cancer

 

[Disney Spaz]

Been there done that with my mother too. I could tell you stories that would make you shake your head in disbelief. The only advice I can give is set boundaries. Clear consistent boundaries. I have finally learned to do this and it has helped a great deal. We still have our moments where she pouts or refuses to acknowledge me at the end of an outing but now when I say no the push back is about half of what it used to be.

 

[luckyman_apd]

Don't ever let other people's behavior make you feel guilty. You are entitled to do with YOUR purchase as you see fit. Feel guilty for your own actions or inaction a, not because of what others say and do.....especially family.

Being that she had cancer and all, life is never something to take for granted. However, you are entitled to do what you please. You don't have to justify it to others.

We have gone twice with my in laws, once with my mom, and this fall with my dad. My parents are divorced. My mother complained that "it's time we vacation with her again." Unfortunately I told her its a rotating schedule and her time is split with my dad. I didn't make the choice for them to get divorced. She didn't like that but too bad. There are only so much we can do. She also got the two bedroom trip. My dad we have two separate studios.

 

[dianeschlicht]

My mother passed away 21 years ago, long before we bought DVC. I would have loved the opportunity to take her along to WDW. She did get the opportunity to travel there with us once before she passed, and would have loved sharing our DVC with her.

BUT.....My mother would never guilt me about anything like that and would never assume she would be invited unless we wanted to invite her. We did take several vacations together, but they weren't the only vacations we took, because our own family was still separate from our parental family. I'm probably in the mother's age group the OP was talking about, and I would never want to invite myself along on a vacation my adult kids were going on. Instead, I'd be likely to invite them on MY vacation. We are doing that at Christmas this year. Both adult offspring are joining us on a road trip to WDW. THEY are involved in the planning, but we are footing the bill. No need for either of them to feel gulity....We invited them.

The OP's mother needs to realize that her children are no longer children, but responsible adults who make their own plans with their own families and friends. When you take her on that Thanksgiving trip, remind her that THIS is her trip to share with you, and that you will share other trips with her as well if she understands that it is YOUR time share and YOUR trips to determine who, if anyone, is invited along.