Punishing my DD as we speak, am I being too harsh?

[Nancy]

Originally posted by KristiKelly
No, you're not being too harsh. There is a good child psychologist, John Roseman, who mentions this type of punishment often. Stick to your guns, I bet she'll learn her lesson

I love him! My peds also follow his ideas. My Dd's whined to them about Mom doesn't like me to be happy. (when I was telling them Doc how they don't do as they are asked) Doc told my girls "Your Mother is not here to make you happy, she only has to make sure you grow up properly and can function as an adult"

So what you are doing by sticking to your guns is OK. 6 yr olds can help up with tasks that fit in their age range...moving toys out of the garage fit that bill. Having her stay in her room is fine too. One day of being grounded will not harm her or cause the neighbors to call CPS!

 

[eeyore kelly]

"Your Mother is not here to make you happy, she only has to make sure you grow up properly and can function as an adult"

One day of being grounded will not harm her or cause the neighbors to call CPS!

ITA!!! I tell my kids, "If you refuse to behave like a fuctioning member of the family, you may stay in your room until you do feel like it. I am not punishing you. You are punishing you. You know the rules, and yet you do not follow them.

 

[Serena]

All the little girl was asked to do was move her toys out of the garage. Not move furniture. Moving is stressful enough, adding discipline to it is hard.
She didn't ask if she did the best case scenario, just if she was too hard on her daughter. I voted no. Would I have done differently, I don't know, I know what I would have liked to do, but in this kind of situation, who knows what we really do until it happens.
Pulling her toys out of the garage was not too much, she probably does it for fun three times a day.


Anyway, Disneyfan, good luck on the move.

 

[gina2000]

Truthfully, I think 25 minutes is about the length of attention span I would expect from a 6 year old. I would have told her "good job", let her play for awhile and then redirected her back into helping.

I don't feel that this sort of power struggle is beneficial for a child nor for a child/parent relationship. All it teaches is that the parent has control over the child and the child has to obey or lump it. Spending the day in her room doesn't teach her anything. It teaches her to dig in her heels.

I wouldn't discipline in this fashion nor would I expect a long term positive response as a result of it.

JMHO

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by shortbun
We're different parents, that's all. DS is 9, an honor student,
well behaved and listens most of the time. I have never had to
make him cry in a consequence. He has had natural consequences all his life and he's very clear on his choices almost
all the time. Parents do not have to be mean to small children.
It's just not necessary-really. As an older, centered adult I have
really given my parenting techniques loads of thought. DS is
at a public school of over 350 children where most parents think
like I do. Our children do not run wild in stores, misbehave in
restaurants, are normal in their challenges and tests in their
power versus ours. Where is it written that children have to
lose or have no power in their lives? Other than safety, I feel
that negotiation,compromise, thought, discussion and realistic
goals are always paramount. In this case, I would realize that
my child was feeling loads of stress regarding leaving things behind-their home, their neighborhood, going to strange surroundings, giving up feeling safe. I would be shouldering the
burden for a 6 year old. BTW, my son was commended for classroom leadership as he takes his responsibilities very seriously, finishes ALL his work and follows rules most of the time.
He plays on soccer, basketball and chess teams-also exhibiting
leadership roles in all of those. No one has ever had to make him
cry over his responsibility in the family. There are loads of parenting boards about this type of parenting. It works for almost all children-nothing works for all- and it's so much less stressful than making your children cry. If a child trusts you with
their emotions, they tell you how they feel and why. Then you can have meaningful dialogue with them. If you don't feel that
is possible with a 6yo then you should reconsider making them
take responsibilities they can not handle.
BTW, it takes two people to have a power struggle. If you refuse
to participate, there is NO struggle.

I never said you had to be mean and I never said anything about a power struggle. My DD knows her crying can upset me so she does it when I send her to her room because she thinks I'll change my mind. She's right that it does sometimes upset me but not to the point that I'll back down. I don't yell or tell her she's bad. After a few minutes we calmy talk about what happened and how the situation could have been different. She's very smart and usually remembers what the consequences will be the next time.

My DD is a very happy child. She gets wonderful reports from school and is really a pleasure to be around. When I see how many children behave in public I realize how blessed we are. She has never run around screaming or thrown a fit.

 

[disykat]

I think asking a 6 year old to roll her toys out of the garage is a very reasonable expectation. This isn't about the toys - I'm guessing she probably could have done the job is less than 10 minutes. She's just testing to see what she can get away with IMO.

As far as helping with packing - my oldest was 5 the last time we moved and he packed all his toys himself. He thought it was great fun and wanted to do it himself. My youngest is currently nine and would still be overwhelmed and unable to accomplish the same thing. I trust that the OP knows her child and gave her an appropriate task.

We have had to play the "do the work or... go to your room, lose a priviledge, etc. " card with my youngest. He just doesn't like to work. He is getting better at it because he knows he will be held accountable. I say stick to your guns!

 

[shortbun]

Lots of people here think they need to prove they are stronger
and smarter than a 6yo. I KNOW I am and I don't need to prove
anything to anyone. I admit, the way of the majority is easier.
I know and have said-not every techinique works for every child.
I'm just amazed at how many people hold on to the "it's a
parents job to be mean" theory. I have laughingly said I was
doing my job if my son didn't like his choices but it was a joke.
Lots of folks here believe it. Believe me, my son is a spirited
child. Because of the calm approach to discipline, his school is
full of kids who are considered behavioral problems elsewhere.
Most, not all, of these children respond to quietly and calmly
being presented with their options. None of them spend all day
in the hall or a disciplinary classroom like in other schools. Our
test scores are the highest in the city-we don't even care about
that although the state tells us we do , it's a result of the
confidence the children have. More than half of the students are
tagged G&T-the norm is around 20% or less in other schools.
Our school is being studied by three separate groups. Our city
school board is considering copying it in other areas of town-
they'll have to find parents like us there to make it work but I'm
rooting for it. The school board is also considering taking our
approach to middle and high school because it is so successful.
It's called "informal." It's based around several concepts, the
strongest one suggesting that respecting a child is tantamount
to their success. Imagine that, giving a child respect makes them
successful. Anyway, I know you all are striving to be good parents; I ask you to consider that there are other ways of doing
things. A 6yo who would "choose" to be banished for a whole
day is overwhelmed by her surroundings and other choices should
be made for her. Find a way to give her the power to make the
right choice. It's much more satisfying for all.

 

[gina2000]

Find a way to give her the power to make the
right choice.

This and redirection are the cornerstone of the best disciplinary tactics I've ever seen.

 

[HisEllyNelly]

Meant to post on this thread yesterday, but we are also busy packing up a house to move.
I dont think you are being too harsh, and you didnt ask her to do something unreasonable. I have an almost 6 year old, and she has helped me pack up her room.She hasnt done anything difficult, but helped make decisions about what was coming with us, what was going to dads apartment, what needed to be throw away, and what was going to be donated to the thrift store. Its never too early to ask children to help with what they can handle and I am sure the OP knows her children enough to know what they can and cant handle.
Stick to your guns!

 

[eeyore kelly]

I dont think you are being too harsh, and you didnt ask her to do something unreasonable.

Its never too early to ask children to help with what they can handle

Stick to your guns!

ITA!!!

Life isn't always fun. There are times I don't want to cook, clean toilets, wash clothes, but I do it. There are times my kids don't want to help, but they'll do it in the long run. A family is a partnership. we all work, so we can all have fun.

I have a niece who is a brat. No one can stand to be around her. An afternoon in her room would do her a world of good, but Dsis and my BIL have bought into "happy parenting." Now, only niece is happy.

 

[720L]

________________________________________________________
"I have to say that I disagree with the method. I would have stood there while she did the chore. Choosing would not have been an option."
_______________________________________________________

Ha! This wouldn't work with my daughter. I would have given HER a choice just like the OP. This wasn't too harsh. If she wants to get out of her room, all she has to do is do what she was asked to do. She needs to learn consequences.

 

[Keli]

No way are you being to harsh on your dd. The severity of the punishment is within her power to limit. All she has to do is go to the garage and finish pulling out her toys. That's not too hard, nor is it cruel or excessive or too much for you to expect of her. It appears to me that you have a strong-willed young daughter and consistancy and meaning exactly what you say are the best tools you can use to help your dd channel her strong will into positive areas instead of negative ones. Hang in there, it's not easy.

 

[Mskanga]

We're different parents, that's all. DS is 9, an honor student,
well behaved and listens most of the time. I have never had to
make him cry in a consequence. He has had natural consequences all his life and he's very clear on his choices almost
all the time. Parents do not have to be mean to small children.
It's just not necessary-really. As an older, centered adult I have
really given my parenting techniques loads of thought. DS is
at a public school of over 350 children where most parents think
like I do. Our children do not run wild in stores, misbehave in
restaurants, are normal in their challenges and tests in their
power versus ours. Where is it written that children have to
lose or have no power in their lives?

WOW...guess what? My children are honor students, well behaved and listen most of the time except when they decide not to. THAT's when discipline comes into place. My youngest is 7 and even at age 5-6 she was given three strikes to do what she was asked to do which was usually pick up her toys or clean her room. If she didn't do it , she would spend the day in her room. After the first time that she was put in her room , she got the message. At age 6 they know more than some grown ups think they do.
My oldest gives me a hard time when I ask her to do something, but it's not open for negotiations, it's a chore you get as being part of this family, everyone has chores accordingly to their age.
Often I see frustrated mothers in school who complain they never get help from their children, yet they never asked them to pick anything up , the mom did it for them. What did they expect? I blame the parents here.
My point is , every child is different, they don't all respond the same to discipline. You have to find what works for you , stick to your guns and follow through with the consequences.
To the OP....your question was if you were being too harsh, my answer is no , I would do the exact same thing. There's a huge difference between discipline and abuse, some people take discipline for abuse.