Punishing my DD as we speak, am I being too harsh?

[Kallison]

No you are not being too harsh, a 6 year old can help with the chores of the household. My three kids each have a chore list they stick to every week or they would be spending time in their room too. Being grounded in your room is not child abandonment. That is about the funniest thing I have ever heard!

 

[KristiKelly]

No, you're not being too harsh. There is a good child psychologist, John Roseman, who mentions this type of punishment often. Stick to your guns, I bet she'll learn her lesson

 

[doxdogy]

No you are not being to harsh. I would also (when she calms down), sit her down and explain to her why you punished her. Then hopefully next time, she will understand what will happen if she refuses to do what you have asked her to do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to say that I disagree with the method. I would have stood there while she did the chore. Choosing would not have been an option.

 

[hipporina]

No way are you being too harsh! I'm proud of you for actually taking the time to parent your child. Far too many parents let their children get away with anything.

My dd6 has been with us almost 3 weeks (we are adopting her) and we are having to lay down the law with her. We allow our kids to play in their rooms and make a mess all they want, but when its time to clean, we expect it cleaned. We only tell them to clean their rooms once every week or so. I think this more than fair.

Anyway, we told dd to clean her room for the first time and she shoved it all under the bed. We told her it had to be done right, so then she shoved it in the closet. Again, told her to do it right. Then came the avoidance and complaints. She went to sleep, she played, then she got creative. "My rooms so big and I'm just so little!" "I can't do it because I need more sisters!" (the boys share a room and thus clean it together) Finally, we told her no more TV until her room was done right. It took her 3 days to decide to do it and then she had it done in less than 30 minutes!

You can't let kids get away with those stubborn power plays now, or you will never get control when they are teens!

 

[Luv2Roam]

I am kidless, so you know how WE are. We know EVERYTHING about child rearing.
I think consistency is the key. I would stick to it.
This certainly does not fall under abuse. Since you made the threat I think you need to carry it through. Otherwise you are tested and passed as a push over.
I agree this is harder on you than her. I would just make sure to keep the lines of communication open so she can understand.

One talk my SIL use to use that I think is good for children AND adults is when you have to do something you don't like, you can do it and be happy. Or you can do it a be miserable. But either way you have to do it. So in which manner would you rather do it?
Good thoughts. I tell that to myself too.

Good luck.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Originally posted by shortbun
You asked for my opinion so here it is. Packing to move is not
the job of a 6 yo. I'd find somewhere else for her to be out
of the way-a friend's house, a relative or a babysitter. She is too
young to shoulder this much responsibility. Your lack of planning
for her should not be her problem. Obviously, you have misjudged her abilities and it is you who should change the plan.
IMHO. Also-keeping a 6yo in a room by herself for a whole day
because grownups can't be bothered is close to abandonment.
I may sound harsh here but you ARE being harsh with a 6yo
child. thanks for listening. As far as the "this is tougher on us
than them" opinion, I totally disagree. When it comes to preteens, the harder on us thing is sooo true. You are talking
about a small child here. Revamp your plans for her now and
admit that parents are not always right. She's had enough
punishment. She's too young to take on your adult responsiblities, way too young.

You have got to be kidding me.I totaaly agree that she is doing the right thing.I think there should be more parents follow that and not let kids run over them like I see so often now days.As far as abandonment Thats all I can say about that.Kids have to learn responsibility and if it were me she would have done what I asked her to do,no questions asked.

 

[WilmaBud]

I think it's important to be consistent, but I think it's also important to realistic and reasonable. All day in the bedroom is too harsh for a 6 year old, IMHO. I agree that there should be a consequence for noncompliance, but it shouldn't be so dramatic. I can't believe so many people think it's okay to keep a 6 year old alone in her bedroom ALL DAY!

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>I also think that you're right to follow through with your punishment. I did so, beginning when the rascals were little, and it's helped me through the years.

Good luck - being a parent stinks sometimes.

 

[Trinity721]

I just started disciplining my DD2, because she is starting to realize that she can get her way by doing certain things... and I know I have to put my foot down, otherwise it will establish an unhealthy pattern for the rest of her life!

I think you are right to follow through with your punishment, and you are right, she does have a choice to either do as she was told or stay in her room. It's not like you locked her up there and threw away the key!

I also totally agree with luvdisneyworld about shortbun's comment. Claiming what you are doing is close to abandonment is ridiculous. Kids to have to learn responsibility, and most importantly must learn there are consequences for their actions. If the parent does not teach them this, who will??? It is not up to teachers to show them discipline and responsibility when they get to school. and from what you have told us, you aren't giving her adult responsibilities. She is supposed to clean up and pack her toys. A 6 year old is smart enough to know better and to follow the rules. Consistency is key, and if you flip flop your DD will know that she can manipulate you until you give in and she gets her way. A parent/child relationship is not about being your child's friend and compromising. It is about teaching repsonsibility, discipline and providing your child with the life skills they need to grow up to be healthy, functional adults.

I had a friend who did something similar to your daughter. She was about 7or 8 and didn't want to listen, so she was kept up in her room the whole day. she cried in her room and threw tantrums for what seemed like the entire day, but eventually she thought about her actions and realized she needed to behave... They never had that problem with her since!

 

[shortbun]

Originally posted by CEDmom
I'd agree with this if they expected the kids to pack up the whole garage but according to the OP all they asked was for the kids to take all their toys out of the garage. I don't think this is too much to ask of a 6 yo. I bet they do it all the time when they want to play.

Perhaps the punishment was a little severe but it doesn't amount to abandonment. I think giving in will be worse in the long run than the OP sticking to her guns.

Also, the tougher on you than her comment is very relevant to a small child. I don't like having to do things (like a time out) that make my DD cry but sometimes it is necessary.

We're different parents, that's all. DS is 9, an honor student,
well behaved and listens most of the time. I have never had to
make him cry in a consequence. He has had natural consequences all his life and he's very clear on his choices almost
all the time. Parents do not have to be mean to small children.
It's just not necessary-really. As an older, centered adult I have
really given my parenting techniques loads of thought. DS is
at a public school of over 350 children where most parents think
like I do. Our children do not run wild in stores, misbehave in
restaurants, are normal in their challenges and tests in their
power versus ours. Where is it written that children have to
lose or have no power in their lives? Other than safety, I feel
that negotiation,compromise, thought, discussion and realistic
goals are always paramount. In this case, I would realize that
my child was feeling loads of stress regarding leaving things behind-their home, their neighborhood, going to strange surroundings, giving up feeling safe. I would be shouldering the
burden for a 6 year old. BTW, my son was commended for classroom leadership as he takes his responsibilities very seriously, finishes ALL his work and follows rules most of the time.
He plays on soccer, basketball and chess teams-also exhibiting
leadership roles in all of those. No one has ever had to make him
cry over his responsibility in the family. There are loads of parenting boards about this type of parenting. It works for almost all children-nothing works for all- and it's so much less stressful than making your children cry. If a child trusts you with
their emotions, they tell you how they feel and why. Then you can have meaningful dialogue with them. If you don't feel that
is possible with a 6yo then you should reconsider making them
take responsibilities they can not handle.
BTW, it takes two people to have a power struggle. If you refuse
to participate, there is NO struggle.

 

[phillybeth]

Originally posted by WilmaBud
I think it's important to be consistent, but I think it's also important to realistic and reasonable. All day in the bedroom is too harsh for a 6 year old, IMHO. I agree that there should be a consequence for noncompliance, but it shouldn't be so dramatic. I can't believe so many people think it's okay to keep a 6 year old alone in her bedroom ALL DAY!

She wasn't KEPT in her room. It was her choice.

 

[LScot]

I think it is a power play also and I think you have to stick to your guns but I also agree all day is a L-O-N-G time to spend in one's room. But, I don't think this is a day she'll soon forget and I don't think this incident makes you a bad mommy or anything so don't feel guilty. Some kids are just more stubborn that others!

Good luck with the move.

 

[CarolA]

My SIL did see a child specialist when her Six year old got out of controls.

Trust me this is NOT abuse or horrid punishment. She knows all she has to do. It is actually the little girls choice to stay in her room. She is old enough to learn choices and responses.

I had a six year old spend several hours by the side of a pool recently watching other kids swim as punishment (trust me she won't act out like that again around me!) I made sure she was in shade and had water, but... no playtime!

My SIL said the best thing the specialist told her was that "if you don't start setting limits know what do you think you are going to when she becomes a teenager!" My SIL got a lot more consistent with discipline after that!

 

[Serena]

My oldest was a stubborn little mule and would have been happy to spend the day in her room rather than do what I said.

She wasn't overwhelmed, she wanted to play.

 

[WilmaBud]

Umm, no, it wasn't her "choice." A 6 year old is incapable of understanding exactly how long "all day" in her room will actually be.

What we have here is a power struggle. No doubt, the child will "lose." But what will be gained? At this point, I imagine the child doesn't even know how to extract herself from the situation and still retain any semblance of pride.

I feel that all day in a bedroom is an unreasonable consequence for not pulling some toys out of a garage. I don't think the OP is a bad mom. I think it's very important to follow through with consequences. I just think it's extremely important that the consequences are reasonable, compassionate, and age appropriate. I don't feel that they are in this case.

 

[goin2disneyagain]

You are not being too harsh. She has to learn. This is not abandonment as another poster suggested. It was after all her choice. You weren't asking her to move furniture. She has to learn to follow your rules or face the consequences.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by Serena
My oldest was a stubborn little mule and would have been happy to spend the day in her room rather than do what I said.

Exactly!!! That is why I would have had to "guide" my kids when it comes to cleaning and organizing. They just get glazed over in the eyes sometimes when it comes to those type of tasks. (Heck, I hate it too)

A day in the room would not have been the answer for us, either.

Actually I have found that we "task" as a family, it seems to work for us. Ex. dinner is over we ALL do the dishes. No one leaves until it is done.

I am not saying it is wrong what the OP did but that wouldn't work in my house.

 

[chrissie123]

Oh no... don`t know what to say??? our girls were 9 & 10 when we moved i think personally,,, (do not hate me please) that she is a little too young at 6yrs to be helping to move house... our girls went to my Mum & Dads house for the day while we moved.... After all it was OUR decision to move(our kids did`nt want to move) so we did all the work... Sorry if this was not the answer you hoped for ...But good luck in your new home.... really hope you have lots of happy times (Take note please... DDs are happy we DID move house now)

 

[Kallison]

Shortbun- You say your son is 9 an honor student and you have never had to made him cry as a consequence. That is super! I have three kids, my oldest is 14 -- also an honor student, does whatever I tell him to do the first time I ask, volunteers to do extra chores, will mow the lawn w/o being asked, cleans church for service hours no problem, gets up the first time the alarm rings. #2 DS comes along and is nothing like #1 DS. Hides from his chores, spends way more time in his room as a consequence. Really the brightest of my 3, but is a slacker, thinks getting a B is good enough, even though he is capable of straight A's. No amount of reason works with him, he is definitely more trying than DS #1. Along comes DD #3. She is somewhere in betweeen her brothers, on doing her chores and taking responsiblity. My point is, just because your child is the ideal child and listens the first time, guess what, not everyone else's kids react that way. So it may be harder for you to see the OP's dilemma in getting her daughter to be a responsible child. Sometimes you have to be tougher on different kids.