PTA Bullying

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh He....... No!!! They lost a volunteer, period. OP do not go back. DO NOT. There is no requirement that you participate in PTA and it is a myth that your child will suffer if you do not volunteer at school.

Keep your pride and volunteer for an organization who values you. I don't agree with all the Boy Scout principles, but my sons were interested, so I volunteered there. Men were far and away easier to work with than the cliquey women! Church and Sunday School were also places where my efforts were valued and I was unjudged.

Life is too short to put up with BS like that and you are NOT in high school any longer.

While I agree that life is too short to deal with this stuff, the opposite is also true.

Life is too short NOT to deal with this stuff.

OP is young, she is in a private school which is cliquey, and wants to participate in PTA. I say hang in there and give it a go.

Yes it was an eye opener to her how much it is like HS again unfortunately but you know what, don't let the suckers get you down.

Eventually her "K" child will be older and so will she. It happens.

 

[Hannathy]

A good general rule for attending these and all the other meeting for things that your child will be involved in over the next 12 year -soccer, baseball, scouts, VBS, Sunday School, Prom committee, etc- Is when you are new LISTEN for a meeting or 2. Feel out what they do and have done, don't jump right in and immediately want to change things or do things differently. Volunteer to help what they have planned, ease into it a little bit.

If you run in the first meeting and start shooting down all their ideas you will step on toes. And even if it is a clique, or isn't a clique they have been doing things that need done and help the group whether it is how you would do it or not they have at least been doing something which is more than sadly most parents of children can say.

And do not have your DH call anybody!!! For heavens sake he is your DH not your Daddy!.

 

[momof1princess]

OP, there's NO way i'd put up with that garbage, and i didn't. at DD's former elementary school, the PTA was VERY clique-y, and i DID try to volunteer a couple of times, but i felt so excluded and unwelcome, i decided to focus my energy elsewhere. i spent 2 years as a classroom volunteer for DD's 3rd grade teacher, and it was SO rewarding.

i'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

[shortbun]

I didn't suggest all the PTA moms were mean girls, I suggested that all the mean girls end up joining the PTA.

I also said I was a PTA mom. Our PTA does wonderful things for the kids, which is why I stay involved. However it is run by the mean girl clique, as many other PTAs all over are.

You are so right luvmy3-it's the same all over: Texas, California, Oregon, Ohio, Massachusetts, Florida and on and on. In my son's high school, a religious cultish group runs the PTA. I went to one meeting and realized the every officer was a member of this 'church.' They were indeed incharge and although they had smiles on their faces-no one else's ideas were welcome or solicited. In that school, there are 'Booster' groups that have splintered off and are actually doing what's needed for music and sports. Those groups have a much more dominant presence than PTA/PTO. Not sure what PTA does, especially since a group of parents demanded that their church remove itself and stop actively recruiting in school.

 

[luvsJack]

I stopped going to PTA meetings a long time ago. I figured I could read the note they send home to tell me the plans and fundraisers just as easily as I could go there and listen to it. They never wanted to discuss ideas, just tell everyone what they were going to do.

Find other ways to be involved. Your child's teacher would probably greatly value some volunteer time to help her make copies or get things ready for special events or even just help the kids during lunch.

Later on as your child gets involved in activities at school, help with those things.

There is a reason why the same person will be an officer in PTA every year their child is in school. Many will say its because no one else will do it, but most of the time its because they really don't want to let go of the control.

 

[Patience]

That is because that is what all the "mean girls" do after HS, they join their kid's school's PTA.

 

[padams]

My kids go to private school. I understand the dynamics. Most families at your school afford to go there because the moms had careers first and kids later. Consequently, they are probably 10 years older than you on average (and those are the ones with kindergarteners- in my ds' 1st grade, 2 moms turned 50 that year!).

You are making these moms feel old. I am not kidding. I know what they say behind your back because they do the same thing at my school. Even I said those things when my oldest was a 5th grader, and those new moms were SO young. They don't intend to be mean to you. It's not you personally. It's that you remind them it's time to calll the dermatologist for another botox injection.

Also, these moms likely have or have had careers such as doctors, lawyers and corporate execs. It's hard to walk away from those careers and into a child's school and not want to run the place like it's a Fortune 500 company. Be patient. These women are generally well intentioned (although there will be some absolute crazies).

Continue to be nice. Offer suggestions and smile when they reject it. Soon enough, they will get to know you personally and will forget thinking that they were still in grad school at your age.

Have lots of playdates and get to know the moms in his grade. Volunteer in his classroom. Let the school wide PTA stuff fall into place eventually.

And someday, when your last child is leaving elementary school, remember what's it is like to be the new, young mom.

One more thing, the other posters' comments abotu PTA being the land of mean girls is pretty true. If you can remember that some women never get past junior high and laugh off their antics, you'll be fine.

Don't judge a school on your experience, judge it on your child's experience.

 

[kneedeep]

I am sorry this is happening to you. I have been fortunate to be involved in PTO/Parent Associations at both public and private schools that were very welcoming, but a quick google search of "PTA cliques" will tell you that you are certainly not alone in your experience. What surprises me most is how these women are so openly dismissive of you because of your youth. (Please don't be offended, but is your husband also young? If not, perhaps they are "first wives" who are threatened by/jealous of you.)

And I don't think you're exaggerating by calling it bullying. According to a government website dedicated to stopping bullying, "social" or "relational" bullying is described as hurting someone’s reputation or relationships and includes:
-Leaving someone out on purpose
-Telling others not to be friends with someone
-Spreading rumors about someone
-Embarrassing someone in public

That said, you don't have to stay and just take it. I agree with PPs who said that having your husband deal with this issue would simply confirm to these women that you are "too young." But I don't think anything will change unless someone is made aware of the environment they are creating. Perhaps you could meet with an administrator to share your willingness to help, but since the PTA has indicated they have all their needs met, you would like to do so another way. (Someone else suggested going directly to your child's teacher- that's a good idea.) But frequently schools have many needs that the PTA doesn't cover. If you take the high road and focus on the fact that you want to help, rather than on the mean behavior of the PTA, you will prove these women wrong by your actions. And hopefully in the process others will recognize that this PTA doesn't have the monopoly on parent involvement. Who knows, maybe others who have been shunned (for various reasons) will come out the woodwork if they see you stepping up to do something else.

 

[BreeBree]

Thank you everyone for the advice! Just to clarify, I've lived in this town for about 4 years now (my husband was born here), but the majority of my friends sent their children to other schools. My husband works with several husbands of the PTA ladies, and many of them have been to dinner at my house. It's pretty funny how power can change a person so much, but I'm not going to take it so seriously. I was NEVER going to let my husband contact the principal, then I'd be *that* mom who can't stand on her own two legs, urgh. It's not so much that I care about volunteering, if they want to be horrible to me, then they can be, I'm there to support my kid, nothing more. I just don't want them to take it out on my son, who hasn't had a play date since school started (which is starting to worry me). I have a very strong art background so I've been trying to get involved with the art program, but the woman who runs it says she can do it alone and she is holding on to it for dear life, geez. I'm thinking of having a Halloween party at my house though, just so my son can spend a little more time around kids that go to his school and their parents can get a feel for who I am. I'm generally used to the "child bride" and "trophy wife" assumptions, but after awhile it just gets old. I'm a good mom and in a very happy, normal marriage and I don't need to be in a position of power to prove that

 

[padams]

Thank you everyone for the advice! Just to clarify, I've lived in this town for about 4 years now (my husband was born here), but the majority of my friends sent their children to other schools. My husband works with several husbands of the PTA ladies, and many of them have been to dinner at my house. It's pretty funny how power can change a person so much, but I'm not going to take it so seriously. I was NEVER going to let my husband contact the principal, then I'd be *that* mom who can't stand on her own two legs, urgh. It's not so much that I care about volunteering, if they want to be horrible to me, then they can be, I'm there to support my kid, nothing more. I just don't want them to take it out on my son, who hasn't had a play date since school started (which is starting to worry me). I have a very strong art background so I've been trying to get involved with the art program, but the woman who runs it says she can do it alone and she is holding on to it for dear life, geez. I'm thinking of having a Halloween party at my house though, just so my son can spend a little more time around kids that go to his school and their parents can get a feel for who I am. I'm generally used to the "child bride" and "trophy wife" assumptions, but after awhile it just gets old. I'm a good mom and in a very happy, normal marriage and I don't need to be in a position of power to prove that

The "child bride" and "trophy wife" assumptions will disappear when you are old, like in your 30s. Enjoy it while it lasts.

As for playdates, are you inviting kids to your house? Don't wait for invitations for your son. Get out the class list, and call every boy (and in K, you can have playdates with the girls if your ds hangs with the girls at school) mom in the class to schedule a time for the child to come to your house to play or join you for a fun outing (only schedule one child per playdate). If everyone says no, then you need to talk to the teacher about how your ds is doing in school socially.

 

[brookmey]

I'm so sorry. Sounds awful.
I never got involved in my kid's school's PTAs. It wasn't for any reasons like yours though. What I did was volunteer directly in the classroom for field trips and other things. I'd talk directly to your son's teacher about volunteering in the class and skip dealing with that PTA group. Just pay your dues each year (if you want) and be done with it.

This is what I suggest, too. The PTA at my kids' school is a very exclusive group and they are not welcoming to "outsiders.". They are very bossy and controlling and the times I worked with them when DD was in kinder were stressful and a nightmare. So, now I volunteer to chaperone field trips, help with classroom science labs, as a classroom reader, party helper, etc. All of these are arranged directly with my kids' teachers. I no longer go to any of the PTA sponsored volunteer events. The only out of the classroom volunteering I do is the book fair in the fall and spring. That's a lot of fun. I love getting to see my kids and their friends during the school day. You can still do a lot at your son's school without being in the PTA.

Good luck. Try talking to your son's teacher and forget about the "meanie moms.". They can be pretty overwhelming at times.

 

[penn19]

Hi all, I'm fairly new to the boards (long time lurker!) and I've been having a bit of a problem at my son's school lately so I thought I'd ask for some advice. My oldest son started kindergarten this year and before I knew it I was swept into the land of the PTA. My son goes to a very cliquey private school and I've been having a really hard time volunteering without feeling ridiculously uncomfortable. I bring up ideas and they're shot down immediately, they deem them “not good enough for our children” or “we can do better than that.” I've also been given very snide and rude comments about my age and my marriage. Most of the women are in their mid-to-late thirties and frequently tell me that I'm just not old enough to do a certain task. One woman called me a “child bride” the other day. I told my husband and he was livid and felt terrible because he is the one who wanted our son to go to this particular school. He wanted to talk to the principal, but I don't want my husband fighting my battles. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but I just wanted to cry the other day. I feel like I'm back in high school, it's ridiculous. Has anyone else experienced PTA bullying? What should I do? It's not so much that I'm worried about myself, but I'm worried that these moms will start taking it out on my son or tell their children to avoid him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Haven't read the other replies yet, but will tell you its not exclusive to private schools. I got to the point where I threw up my hands and said forget it. And I feel bad throwing in the towel, but it stressed me out so bad, and I felt like I just couldn't fight it anymore.

If you didn't play tennis or belong to the club you were "out". And the funny thing is, that these same women would complain because no one would "help" out (you know. Do the grunt work that they didn't want to do) but couldn't see why they lost so many volunteers.

I wish you luck. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer though...

 

[Princess Dolly]

Thank you everyone for the advice! Just to clarify, I've lived in this town for about 4 years now (my husband was born here), but the majority of my friends sent their children to other schools. My husband works with several husbands of the PTA ladies, and many of them have been to dinner at my house. It's pretty funny how power can change a person so much, but I'm not going to take it so seriously. I was NEVER going to let my husband contact the principal, then I'd be *that* mom who can't stand on her own two legs, urgh. It's not so much that I care about volunteering, if they want to be horrible to me, then they can be, I'm there to support my kid, nothing more. I just don't want them to take it out on my son, who hasn't had a play date since school started (which is starting to worry me). I have a very strong art background so I've been trying to get involved with the art program, but the woman who runs it says she can do it alone and she is holding on to it for dear life, geez. I'm thinking of having a Halloween party at my house though, just so my son can spend a little more time around kids that go to his school and their parents can get a feel for who I am. I'm generally used to the "child bride" and "trophy wife" assumptions, but after awhile it just gets old. I'm a good mom and in a very happy, normal marriage and I don't need to be in a position of power to prove that

Awhhh. It's not fun being the new girl, and it really stinks when you are dealing with the climate you are. Not exactly the same thing but when I started in my current workplace, I was the youngest and WOWSA the other women could be mean harpies. I just dug in and showed I could do a good job and eventually the harpiness stopped. They found that I was competent, reliable and had a good head on my shoulders.

As an aside, you don't want to decorate bulletin boards do you? We had a PTA thread a few weeks ago when a poster was upset that someone wanted to help her with the school's bulletin boards.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

That is because that is what all the "mean girls" do after HS, they join their kid's school's PTA.

Exactly! These are probably the women that peaked in high school - they have nothing else to do with their lives, now, so they're going to spend all 18 (or 20 whatever) years reliving their youth through their children.

My advice - ditch the regular PTA meetings. There are still plenty of ways you can volunteer at the school without being a PTA member. Go to your child's teacher directly and see if there is anything that you can do to help their class (Are you artsy? My mother made beautiful bulletin boards in the hallways for all of our teachers - whe was known as the 'bulletin board lady'... they also need people to make copies of worksheets, bind student books, etc - you can be a great asset to the teacher).

Also, you'll meet so many women like you volunteering during the day (my mother met her best friend in the "work room" doing die-cut letters) which will give you plenty of opportunities to set up play dates.

 

[mjkacmom]

One suggestion I have is to not make suggestions for a little while, but volunteer for as much as you can. If they won't listen to you try making them see what you can do. It might not work, but it might be a good way to start.
!

This is very good advice. As someone who will have kids at the elementary school for about 15 years in a row, I made it a point to sit back and observe (working on committees, but keeping quiet). Nothing ruffles feathers like a new kindergarten parent with new ideas - it's just the way it is.

At this point, I'm solidly in the loop (being here for over 10 years), but I find I still prefer to avoid the drama, offer to help, give my opinion when asked, but stay out of the drama.

I've never heard of kids getting black listed over any parent, even if they aren't loved buy the PTA. I've found that it's best to bide your time, start off slowly, and earn the respect of the other members. Keep in mind, some of them are crazy, but you have to wait it out, to see a clearer picture, and seek out the nice ones.

 

[rlduvall]

There is a famous song written about the PTA:

". . . the day my mama socked it to the Harper Valley PTA" Loved Barbara Eden in the movie.

That being said, I would love to be 24 again and be called a "child bride." Chalk some of it up to jealousy, some of it up to dynamics and some of it up to real life.

 

[whatname]

PTA president here. Not at OP school. We have so few volunteers, I would love to have you come to our school. This has made me reflect on whether I am excluding people. I don't think that our group does. In fact, we have done everything we can think of to generate members, from offering door prizes at meetings to class contests for the most members. People are just "too busy." (btw, so am I.) We had a new mom at the first meeting who offered to take over a major part of a fundraiser. Good for her. She has some good new ideas, too. Anyway, good for you for offering to help. Your group is the one who is missing out.

So, as others have said, you may want to look into other ways to help. Our school has a volunteer group once a week (also limited participation) but some of the things they do are prepare items for teachers to use in class - visual aides, flash cards, etc. With your art background, maybe the teachers would be interested and you could do this while not being an official member of the art program. You would be a teachers' helper. Also helping in library or lunch or where ever needed.

Good luck to you. You should be proud that you are willing to be involved.

 

[LuLuO]

I would bow out of the PTA and volunteer my time with the teacher directly as others have suggested.

 

[Debbie7452]

The "child bride" and "trophy wife" assumptions will disappear when you are old, like in your 30s. Enjoy it while it lasts.

As for playdates, are you inviting kids to your house? Don't wait for invitations for your son. Get out the class list, and call every boy (and in K, you can have playdates with the girls if your ds hangs with the girls at school) mom in the class to schedule a time for the child to come to your house to play or join you for a fun outing (only schedule one child per playdate). If everyone says no, then you need to talk to the teacher about how your ds is doing in school socially.

Ouch! That's a stake in the heart to a woman in her 40's!

 

[Colleen27]

That is because that is what all the "mean girls" do after HS, they join their kid's school's PTA.

I have learned through the years to not be too vocal in the PTA because I'm not one of them and if you aren't you can forget about being heard
I volunteer for whatever they need me to do, but that is about it.

Our town is one of those places where people just don't leave... Just about every PTA officer at the public elem and DS's middle school comes from a family that's been here long enough to have streets and buildings carrying their name. They aren't as outright mean as the OP's experiences, but there is very much a vibe of "If you didn't grow up with us, don't bother" and as a transplant that's a battle I've chosen not to fight. I volunteer when they need extra people but I don't go to meetings or waste my energy coming up with ideas for the clique to shoot down. There are plenty of friendlier places for me to focus my energy - the kids' sports leagues and the girls' private school are far more welcoming to newcomers.