Promposals....

[Grumpy's Gal]

My son is outgoing but not the flashy public speaking type, but the lady he was dating obviously was. He had arranged for a carriage pick them up from a restaurant they had met at for drinks and take them to the Houston Zoo after it had closed. There was private dinner for the two of them by the reflection pool after which he asked her to marry him. Per him her response was, "This is really nice but I expected you to ask me around more people, so yes as long as you ask me again at the party next weekend." She gave him the ring back so he could surprise her at the party. She was surprised. He didn't go.

Sadly people do compare the proposal to thier preset expectations, but both parties need to be mature enough to recogize what is a priority for them. DS realized the "show" was not for him and it would never work. I am sure the beautiful lady he left found her showy prince charming.

My DD has been showing me lately all these newly engaged girls on facebook. It all starts out I'm engaged! I'm engaged! Look at my ring. I'm the luckiest girl alive. Blah blah blah ." And a picture of the girl and the ring. No picture of the fiancé or mention of his name. Just referred to as " my Prince Charming ". Clearly just needed the guy to have a perfect engagement to put on social media.

 

[jevs]

Proms don't really happen here, well not in the same league anyway.

But I can't see an issue with promposals, at least the kids are being creative.

Gender reveals on tbe other hand are all sorts of bizarre.

 

[mom2rtk]

Not a fan. Here they do it for EVERY DANCE, not just prom! In fact my DS16 went to homecoming 9th grade year and that's been it. He's not a fan of doing all that either. So you know what? The guys don't go to the dances, and then the girls don't have dates. It's too much. I can see doing something like that when you get engaged but for a random girl to go to a dance? Not happening in this house.

I have no issue with kids going to the dances dateless. I'm so glad they are comfortable doing that.

But the boys being less likely to ask really is the natural outgrowth of this high level of expectation.

 

[cabanafrau]

Actually, I believe these traditions came across the pond from cultures that were really into big celebrations, like Italy. Folks settled here and carried on tradition. It was very common for family to live in the same neighborhoods, and every party had a lot of people, food, and drink.

I understand that. I'm referring to the very origins of the traditions. At some point someone started them and in a very retro way they "went viral". Any chance neighbors discussed the concept at the town well? Any chance some of the complaints were, too expensive, trying to show off, etc., etc.?

Ironically for myself personally I would never have wanted a flashy, public promposal. I know this because I've never cared for being the object of some public display, ten year old me until present day me, same attitude on the idea. Our wedding broke an attendance mark of a dozen -- if you count the minister and the musician. Even though it's not my thing I'm not going to dump on some kids doing some harmless fun simply because it wasn't done in my day or for some other ridiculous idea to tell myself it affects me when it doesn't. IMO there's a whole lot worse teenage issues to be concerned about.

 

[TanyaS]

I want to second the recommendation for listening to the "This American Life" podcast. It really changed my attitude about promposals. The kids in the story are having such a good time coming up with creative ideas and having a good time with their friends bringing them to fruition - it's exactly the sort of innocent fun I like to see teenagers engaging in! One of the boys in the story is also heard being aghast at the notion of having to walk up to a girl and ask her to her face to a dance - what if she says no! - it's a different perspective than the one I had - I hadn't thought about a promposal being easier to do to than straight up asking for a date.

 

[CarolAnn856]

My DD has been showing me lately all these newly engaged girls on facebook. It all starts out I'm engaged! I'm engaged! Look at my ring. I'm the luckiest girl alive. Blah blah blah ." And a picture of the girl and the ring. No picture of the fiancé or mention of his name. Just referred to as " my Prince Charming ". Clearly just needed the guy to have a perfect engagement to put on social media.

Or, maybe the girls share their happy news with actual friends, who already know who their prince charmings are. They probably didn't consider that someone they don't really know would judge them for not naming their fiances. I think you're really reaching here in trying to make these girls sound shallow.

 

[luvsJack]

I think what should be realized is that kids today put everything on social media. They think no different of showing a picture of their ring on social media than they do showing it to all their friends at work or school. Or a picture of the promposal or a picture of themselves on whatever fun date they are on. It's just what they do.

 

[Aliceacc]

I saw my first ever promposal last night.

My daughter works in an ice cream shop. Two of her friends have been dating for two years, and the girl loves cookie dough ice cream.

So her boyfriend pre-ordered a half gallon for her. He made a poster, with all the "o"s being chocolate chip cookies... something about prom being "cool."

It was cute, and not crazy over the top. My daughter, who was closing up (which is why I was there, waiting) took photos on her phone.

 

[Malibustyle23]

I am not sure which one annoys me more promposals or gender reveal showers.

 

[ThurlFan]

 

[Kellykins1218]

Nope, pregnancy reveals and gender reveals are the most ridiculous. Promposals are a strong 3rd, though.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I just saw a blurb on the Phoenix news about a high school senior trying to invite actress Emma Stone to his prom later this month. He and a group of friends made a video promposal, including the music from the opening scene of La La Land. It was very amateur -- I didn't even recognize the music -- the newscaster had to explain the scene.

Anyway, Emma Stone is ten years older than the wanna be prom date; he doesn't even know her. She was born in Scottsdale (Phoenix suburb) and supposedly her brother still lives in the area, so the wanna be prom date is relying on the media to get his message across, hoping Emma's brother will pass the word along. Whutever.

 

[DisneyOma]

Teenage years are filled with the exploration of conforming/not conforming with your peer group. Every choice to conform isn't inherently a negative one, deserving of criticism for choosing to participate. I mean some choose to go through life as a rebel not only without a cause, but also without a clue. I don't happen to think that's a noble path either.

I can't help but notice that all of the criticisms of doing a promposal make leaps to the extreme, the OTT, the public displays, the exorbitant expense. I don't think that applies to a good portion of these promposals that take place, so I don't see the need for the negativity for something that you're not required to participate in, probably wouldn't even know about unless you know one of the participants -- and even then it's not a certainty you'd know about it, let alone witness it

You say, do it or don't and not doing it shouldn't be looked down upon. Why should choosing to do it be viewed any different? You're not being asked to participate, watch or pay for a thing -- why should a bunch of adults have the ability to judge and shame kids who choose to participate in this harmless activity?

But it's not harmless, that's the point. It's attention seeking behavior, not the worst, but not for any good reason either. These 'events' are being done for the sake of attention, for an audience, and that puts pressure on both parties. One has to come up with something clever, the other has been pressured to say yes. It's being recorded, photographed, etc.

The gender reveal parties that are basically a pre baby shower get me. Do I take a gift? Do I not?

I've been to gender reveals but very low key ones. Close family and friends only. They open a box and balloons fly out or something along those lines. No giant cake, elaborate decorations, etc. They literally send out a group text "hey we had our ultrasound today. Stop by the house at 6 to find out."

In my culture we do a big 1st birthday (although this isn't always the case anymore) and a big 15th birthday for girls. It's not to show off. It's just what we've been doing since forever.

The gender reveal - most of the time I laugh, thinking that it would be great if the kid ends up being trans, fluid, neutral, or any other form of non-binary. Or just really hate pink or blue

I want to second the recommendation for listening to the "This American Life" podcast. It really changed my attitude about promposals. The kids in the story are having such a good time coming up with creative ideas and having a good time with their friends bringing them to fruition - it's exactly the sort of innocent fun I like to see teenagers engaging in! One of the boys in the story is also heard being aghast at the notion of having to walk up to a girl and ask her to her face to a dance - what if she says no! - it's a different perspective than the one I had - I hadn't thought about a promposal being easier to do to than straight up asking for a date.

There's bias there - the author could have only interviewed that population, the ones who enjoy it. And that poor kid - what if she says no after all the effort?

 

[luvsJack]

But it's not harmless, that's the point. It's attention seeking behavior, not the worst, but not for any good reason either. These 'events' are being done for the sake of attention, for an audience, and that puts pressure on both parties. One has to come up with something clever, the other has been pressured to say yes. It's being recorded, photographed, etc.




The gender reveal - most of the time I laugh, thinking that it would be great if the kid ends up being trans, fluid, neutral, or any other form of non-binary. Or just really hate pink or blue



There's bias there - the author could have only interviewed that population, the ones who enjoy it. And that poor kid - what if she says no after all the effort?

Way too much importance is being put on these things by those who don't like them

Not everyone does them and most the kids don't care what the others do or don't do.

The majority of them are done with cute sayings on a poster. And not done at school or necessarily in public. Because they post a picture on social media it's suddenly "attention seeking". So every Mom who posts a picture of her baby is attention seeking? Or posting a picture of the family vacation?

Most are done when one party knows what the other party's answer is going to be. So this assumed pressure really isn't there. In 4 years of high school, dd saw one where the boy didn't know for sure what the girl's answer would be. But even then they were really good friends and already had a agreement that they would go together if they didn't have anyone else to go with, so no real pressure.

I am really not sure how asking a girl face to face is less pressure than covering her car with post it notes that spell out prom when she isn't around anyway. And they do sort of ban together with friends to come up with ideas so if they aren't creative, someone else would probably have an idea. (Dd's date senior year had her friends and his working on it so it was really a group effort) And honestly writing prom on a poster doesn't take a whole lot of creativity.

 

[mom2rtk]

Way too much importance is being put on these things by those who don't like them

Not everyone does them and most the kids don't care what the others do or don't do.

The majority of them are done with cute sayings on a poster. And not done at school or necessarily in public. Because they post a picture on social media it's suddenly "attention seeking". So every Mom who posts a picture of her baby is attention seeking? Or posting a picture of the family vacation?

Most are done when one party knows what the other party's answer is going to be. So this assumed pressure really isn't there. In 4 years of high school, dd saw one where the boy didn't know for sure what the girl's answer would be. But even then they were really good friends and already had a agreement that they would go together if they didn't have anyone else to go with, so no real pressure.

I am really not sure how asking a girl face to face is less pressure than covering her car with post it notes that spell out prom when she isn't around anyway. And they do sort of ban together with friends to come up with ideas so if they aren't creative, someone else would probably have an idea. (Dd's date senior year had her friends and his working on it so it was really a group effort) And honestly writing prom on a poster doesn't take a whole lot of creativity.

I think the issue for me is that it takes something that used to be private and makes it public. By virtue of that, it seems like it is indeed attention-seeking.

And I'd wager more girls like these than boys. But my boys are by their nature very quiet and shy (one much more so than the other) and there's no way either of them would have been comfortable with a big showy gesture.

My daughter? She thinks they're cool and gets excited telling me about the various ones she's seen at school.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think the issue for me is that it takes something that used to be private and makes it public. By virtue of that, it seems like it is indeed attention-seeking.

And I'd wager more girls like these than boys. But my boys are by their nature very quiet and shy (one much more so than the other) and there's no way either of them would have been comfortable with a big showy gesture.

My daughter? She thinks they're cool and gets excited telling me about the various ones she's seen at school.

A lot of them are private, sometimes just a photo that a few see. I don't think it's a boy/girl thing, ds18 is very outgoing, just did a poster the last time because he was running out of time (his girlfriend dumped him, so he was on plan b), dd14 would HATE a public promposal, my other kids would be somewhere in the middle. Heck, a shy kid could just mail a postcard!

 

[Hikergirl]

But it's not harmless, that's the point. It's attention seeking behavior, not the worst, but not for any good reason either. These 'events' are being done for the sake of attention, for an audience, and that puts pressure on both parties. One has to come up with something clever, the other has been pressured to say yes. It's being recorded, photographed, etc.

Some of them yes, some of them no. Some kids don't even do them.
They are pretty harmless unless a teen already has an issue with attention seeking behavior or an inability to not give in to pressure.

 

[luvsJack]

I think the issue for me is that it takes something that used to be private and makes it public. By virtue of that, it seems like it is indeed attention-seeking.

And I'd wager more girls like these than boys. But my boys are by their nature very quiet and shy (one much more so than the other) and there's no way either of them would have been comfortable with a big showy gesture.

My daughter? She thinks they're cool and gets excited telling me about the various ones she's seen at school.

Well, I can only answer for dd's group but the guys were more into it than the girls, or at least as much. I mean the girls weren't upset about getting one but the guys had fun doing it. Their friends help them come up with something and for some, help them pull it off.

For dd's school, its just become another part of prom. Like getting the nails done, professional pictures done at another location, a big special meal out with friends and all the rest.

If anyone makes it a stressful situation, its going to be the parents who decide their kid has to do something over the top to keep up with the Joneses so to speak. Let the kids handle it and they will just do something that fits them and their date and have fun with it or if they are a low key couple, do nothing at all.

 

[cabanafrau]

But it's not harmless, that's the point. It's attention seeking behavior, not the worst, but not for any good reason either. These 'events' are being done for the sake of attention, for an audience, and that puts pressure on both parties. One has to come up with something clever, the other has been pressured to say yes. It's being recorded, photographed, etc.




The gender reveal - most of the time I laugh, thinking that it would be great if the kid ends up being trans, fluid, neutral, or any other form of non-binary. Or just really hate pink or blue



There's bias there - the author could have only interviewed that population, the ones who enjoy it. And that poor kid - what if she says no after all the effort?

Please help me out, because I think perhaps I need it to be a good mom and to help my daughter out. Can you perhaps point out the attention seeking in my daughter making a creative periodic table to invite her boyfriend to prom and giving it to him when they were all but alone at one end of a classroom between events at Science Olympiad? Was it a covert plan to attract the attention of the two teachers at the other end of the room?

I may need to have a serious talk with that young lady. How dare she attention seek so shamelessly! I cannot begin to think how amends can be made for the terrible, terrible pressure she placed on her boyfriend to say yes. It's amazing that shattered young man can manage to still date her a full year-plus later.

To think that I knew that she was making these plans and I did nothing to stop it. I didn't even notice the terrible pressure she was under to come up with her clever plan either. Oh, if only I had known then what your sage wisdom has revealed about the awful plague of the promposals sweeping the land. Clearly it's merely a gateway trend to a future of behaving like a bridezilla, and then surely we're onto a full ring circus when it comes time she decides to become a mother. What then shall we do, for 'tis clear for all to see I have set a terrible, terrible example as a mother for allowing the horror of the promposal to go on right under my nose. One really shudders to think of the shame brought upon the family for generations to come.

 

[prprincess]

Do these seem like the most ridiculous things to anyone else?

Yes, I think it's a bit much. Thank goodness they weren't a think when I was of the age, and I really hope the fad dies out before it's time for my boys to ask dates to the prom.