problems with neighbor (long, actually epic)

[monalsw]

it's been a very strange weekend and i just need to vent, if i may...

first, a little background on the situation: single mom, with daughter same age as ours, moved in down the street a few years ago. she came to the house to introduce herself and her daughter, nice enough, but a little 'spacey' (the mom, not the daughter). eventually the girls (15 yo now) became good friends and the daughter has spent a lot of time with our family.

the mom has continued to show signs of not being stable: criticizes the dtr for eating certain foods, calls to say that she can't find her-only to learn that she's in the shower or bed, leaves the house after a 'temper tantrum', changes the rules frequently, etc. nothing concretely abusive or neglectful, but questionable.

last summer, she left the house at 11pm, screaming 'i've got to get away from you, i'd be better off dead'. the dtr called us crying, fearful that her mom was so distraught that she's wreck the car. she came down to our house to wait it out. when the mom came back, they argued and eventually the dtr went home. her mom told her that she was not allowed at our house and my dtr was not allowed at her house...they could not be friends. i had already stopped letting my dtr go there for any more than a few minutes to invite the dtr here, but they remained good friends. eventually it blew over and the dtr was back here, spending the night, going out to eat with us, going to the movies, etc. no problems that i knew of, but i still did not allow my dtr there for any length of time.

yesterday, it all blew up. i received a call at about 11;30am, from the dtr's father, in new jersey. i have never met the man, and he speaks broken english, so i had trouble understanding him somewhat. the gist of the conversation was very clear, 'the friendship between your daughter and mine is over...it is not conducive to my dtr's well-being...your dtr is not to be in my ex-wife's house and my dtr is not be in your home...i'm a very powerful man...i'll follow-up with a phone call next week...good evening" click-he hung up! refused to leave his number, refused to tell me what he was basing this on, except to say that i should talk with his ex-wife. i lost control on the phone, 'you do not call me, at my home, issuing edicts about how my dtr or i live...tell me what your concerns are...leave me your number and i'll call you back after i talk to my dtr and your ex'wife...she's a nut case". he gave me nothing to go on, just reiterated that 'the friendship is over'.

i flew down the street like a lunatic, ex-wife wouldn't answer the door and when she finally did, would not give specifics, except that she and her daughter are having problems and she thinks that my dtr is to blame. my dtr came down shortly (dh's idea, she should be able to face her accuser). one thing led to another-she insulted me, i called her insane, she wouldn't give me any answers as to what the problem was, kept looking around me yelling at my dtr and i snapped. i screamed (ever hear ozzy at the opening of ironman?) for her to 'never <insert very colorful language> look at or speak to my dtr again...your're insane...tell your ex-husband to not call my house again...'. it was ugly and i was as close to assault as i've ever been.

i'm still stunned. that this man would call my house and let me know that he is 'very powerful', that the woman felt it her right to insult my child, that all of this happened over a friendship between 2 15 yo's who are good kids. i feel terrible that i acted like i did, mostly because my dtr witnessed it. i have a temper, but am almost always rational and conduct myself professionally. i'm a social worker, so i should know better. my dtr is devastated and the other dtr has not been heard from, or seen for that matter.

it's just crazy and i needed to put it in writing to try and process it. thanks for listening!

 

[SandraM]

WOW!
Your neighbour sounds pretty nuts to me.
We have one of those down the road, except she's not a single mother. Her husband had an affair with another woman living on the same road who was separated, and the nutcase found out! Stalked her, wrote mad letters, made crazy phone calls, eventually assaulted her, got brought to court, fined etc. The separated woman had to move. This nutcase has a lovely daughter the same age as my DD, but my DD wouldn't go near her as the family situation is so unstable, anyone getting involved is setting themselves up for all sorts of lunacy.
I feel sorry for your DD and her friend, but I think you and your daughter are far better off away from this madwoman (and her peculiar husband)!
Just wondering is it worth making a mention of the ex-husband's phone call to your local police?
Best of luck anyhow.

 

[Kallison]

I'm sorry. I've run into some nutty parents too lately. It sounds like your daughters can no longer be friends. It is a shame. Probably anyone the girl is friends with they will find fault.

 

[Micca]

I think you need to severe all relationships and communication with the daughters, and the adults. You can't really do anything else until you determine if things cool off after that. Good luck

 

[monalsw]

thanks for the advice, it is all welcomed!

i did let the police know; told them the basic background, but explained my more serious concerns about the father calling me. they mentioned that they could put a trap on my phone and maybe get him for nuisance calls. i don't want to go that far, but i did want it on record.

 

[disykat]

I'm sorry for both the girls and also for you. I'm sure you feel terrible about losing control, but sometimes it happens to the best of us. You were surely provoked.

Hopefully you can forget about this and move on. You and your daughter can discuss it and you can tell her the things you wish you had done differently. Meanwhile I'd stay the heck away from them and keep your daughter away too. If the guy calls again, I'd hang up on him.

I feel the worst for the neighbor's daughter. Life must be very difficult for her.

 

[Mskanga]

This makes my nutty neighbor look like normal people, lol.
One of my neighbors kept harrasing all the neighbors he could because some people complained about him fixing cars in his driveway and having way too many junk cars in his yard. He even threatened me that he did not retaliate against me because I was nice to his wife. Retaliate for what? I didn't say or do anything, but he thought I did, I don't know why. Now it turns out his son is in my dd's class and they are friends. My dd asks if she can go play to his house, I keep saying no because his mom works and she's never there. If the father wasn't such a wacko, I really wouldn't mind because the mother is nice and so is the kid, but I don't know what the wacko father is capable of. It is true though that the mother works, so I use that as an excuse.

 

[Serena]

Wow, I don't know what to say. This is an awful situation. Personally, I think losing your temper is appropriate at some moments and this was one of them.

I feel badly for you and both daughters.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, you lost your temper. It seems liek it was appropriate at the time. I'd stay away from those people, and I'd allow the police to put a trap on my phone, so when the father calls back next week, you have an actual record, not just a "he said/she said"...you can say he called, he can deny it. If it's "trapped", it's recorded.

As far as what to say to your daughter...I'd tell her to stay away from that kid, I'd tell her that although you do not like to lose control like you did, you are human. You were defending our child...there's no shame in that.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I'm so sorry for you!
It does seem to be for the best if the girls separate. It sounds to me that this family has some serious "issues", and you don't want to involve your daughter in that!

 

[DisneyObsessed]

I feel for you. I have a *fruit loop* that lives across the street. It's sad when it affects the children.

 

[RitaZ.]

I wouldn't worry too much about the father saying that he is a "powerful man". Some people like to use that line to intimidate others and make themselves feel in control, especially when they feel out of control. I really don't think that man will harm you or your family. However, just in case, you did the right thing by contacting the police. Another thing to consider, you have no way of verifying that the man that called was the father, it could have been any man that the mom manipulated into calling you.

As for the friendship between the girls, at this point it's best to sever ties.

My question is ... Why is there someone like this in EVERY neighborhood?

 

[binny]

ugh Im so glad you called the police, if for nothing more than to have it " on record" tthose people are psychos! That poor girl I can imagine what her life must be like

as for losing your temper, did you talk to your dd? I personally think that would be a great opportunity for a "human moment". You know a " honey, Im human I made a mistake, everyone does, the important part is to learn from it"

(((hugs)))

 

[hentob]

Please reconsider the police dept.'s offer to put a tap on your phone. This man may call back and be even worse than before.

There is no way he should get away with harassing you.....in your own home. Why not show him how "powerful" he is after you press charges!?!?!?

Hentob

 

[Pop Daddy]

long post

 

[monalsw]

well, the rest of the weekend has been quiet, with the exception of the crazy mom's family driving by and pointing out our house as i was coming home from the store.

i've talked to my dtr, who seems to understand my loss of control. she will hopefully see her friend at school today and be able to let her know what has happened (she was away saturday, during all of this). i don't know what will come of it, as the mom told my dtr that her dtr feels the same way her parents do. i don't believe that, the dtr was just here last week.

i gotta add that i suspect that there is some church component here. in a nutshell, we attended a local church and i started to get bad vibes when the new youth pastor came. since then, many parents have either left the church and/or taken their kids out of youth group. we did both. the crazy neighbors dtr started going with us and her mom now takes her. the mom stated, 'we've talked to pastor ------- about this and he agrees. i asked her if he had input on the girls' friendship and she hedged around until saying, 'not exactly, but we do believe that you should spend time with people who want to live their lives like you do'. i agree, but the fact that the youth pastor is involved and was nasty to my dtr when we left the church is odd.

i'm considering the trap on the phone line, just don't know enough about it. will it record every call that we get or make? how much is it? just not quite sure how to handle this.

the thing that has spooked me the most is the dad's comment that he is 'a very powerful man'. don't laugh, but i read alot of stuff on organized crime, historical and current. now i've convinced myself that he is mob-connected! he lives in jersey, close to the city, is a frangrance distributor or something similar, and sends a seemingly endless supply of money to the ex-wife. do those states still have much active underground crime? any big names in perfume that i should watch out for? i'm sure it was him, based on what my dtr has told me from her 1 meeting when he visited his dtr here.

well, i'm off to another day in the social work minefields, where everyone appears to be normal! thanks for the advice and thoughts, keep 'em coming-i'm totally caught off guard and stumped by all of this.

 

[Rajah]

Hmm, I'd be concerned about the dad, too, especially with the added information/concerns. It may be nothing, but better safe, you know? Try calling the police again and asking them the same thing about the phone trap?