Problem with my inlaws

[nickelsfamily]

Last year, my BIL passed away. Ever since my in laws have been making toasts to him at every meal or everytime they have a drink (he was an alchoholic, so this alone is weird to me). My FIL goes by the cemetary on a daily basis, which is not a problem of course. But, my DS5 spends a lot of time with them and it seems that they are always talking about BIL in front of my son. Now, when we drive past the cemetary which is by our house, DS will say "Hi Uncle. I'll see you soon". This bothers me a lot. I feel that they have a reason to greive, but they need to not be so open about it in front of my son. MIL broke down and was crying to DS about BIL when he stayed the night at her house, and inturn he was crying. I found this out the next day when he came home. I don't want to cause a problem between myself and them, but I feel that DS should remember his uncle by his living memories not by his death.
I want to bring this up to DH and in turn to his parents. What do you think? I just want them to cool it a little in front of my kids... do you think that I am wrong for this, over reacting? If I decide to say something how do you think I should go about it? Thanks for any help....I just don't want to come accross as someone who doesn't care, because I do.....

 

[lovmy2girls]

Talk to your husband first and see what he thinks.

We didn't let our girls hang out with their FIL after my MIL died. He was a wreck for a while, and we understood that. The loss of a family member is so hard on everyone. He would cry, talk about her and it scared them, they were 5 & 6. Now he can talk about her and be more in control of his feelings around them to better talk to them.

Good luck.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

The toasting, the visiting the cemetary, talking about him often - these are all ways they are trying to keep your BIL's memory alive. They lost their son, that's a huge loss. Trust me, as someone who has lost two of my own children (they were young, though I don't think it makes a difference), please don't make them feel bad or guilty for doing this. Some people think I'm off my rocker because at Thanksgiving I set out two place settings for my boys, in honor of them because I am so thankful to have had them in my life. I don't really care what people think though, so I keep on doing it. Everyone grieves differently, and for different lengths of time. Personally, I don't think the symbolic things they are doing are such a bad thing. That is sort of how we handled things with out young DD when her brothers died, and it helped her emotionally, since she was devastated after losing her first brother. She was able to cope with it much better when she lost her second brother 4 years later. In your case, I'm not sure what advice I can give you. Honestly, I think any attempt you make, no matter how diplomatic or tactful you try and put it, may come across as you not being sensitive to their feelings. I mean, you can't tell them not to cry in front of your son, that would sound harsh. I suppose you could say that your son is not mature enough to understand the depth of their grief, and that it makes him very sad to see his grandparents cry. They may not realize this. Also, in a situation like this, to avoid any future problems or animosity you might want to consider letting your DH handle it.

 

[dmslush]

I think you will have to be very careful in how you handle this. I would start with your husband, explaining to him how uncomfortable it makes you that your son has started telling his uncle that he will 'see him real soon' and how your son is not old enough to have to comfort his grandmother when she is grieving for her son. I would then have him talk to them, as it would probably be softer coming from him.

As for the toasting and such, I wouldn't say anything.

 

[nickelsfamily]

I have lost several people close to me, although not my own child, but I do understand that everyone has their own way of healing. I in no way want to tell them to stop what they ARE doing, I think that it is weighing a little to heavy on my son since he is only 5. I don't think that he fully understands the concept of death and I also don't want him to be scared of it either. I feel that the more time he spends with them (he is very close to them) the more he is in a way obsessing about his uncle. I don't feel that this is healthy for him. He is already a very sensitive child as it is.
It has from the getgo been my plan for DH to speak with his parents about this if he will. I have yet to bring this up to him because I also don't want to offend him consider that it is hi little brother. But, if he can't bring himself to speak with his parents about it, then I will have to be the one to do so and want to be prepared to do just that. I am his parent and that being said I think this will be in his best interest.

 

[minkydog]

Everything Stephanie said and then some. My first reaction to your post was "this woman has never lost a child." Their grieving will never stop, although it will change with time. If you think your son is getting too much of it, then maybe he needs to not go over there so much right now. One year isn't a long time to grieve. I would not say anything to your inlaws--no matter how sincere you want to be, they will probably not receive it in that spirit. If your DH is concerned that they are getting bogged down in there grief, perhaps he can suggest a greif counselor to them. But for now, all you can do is stand by and be supportive as they continue go wallow through this.

 

[MAKmom]

I think everything they are doing sounds normal & healthy. I see no problem. I can understand you not wanting your Son to cry but I would explain how normal that is for a Mother to do.

 

[nickelsfamily]

I have no problem with their greiving, its just that I don't think that my 5 year old son should have his grandmother crying to him about his uncle.

No, I have never lost a child, I have lost a sister. I know that you never stop that process and I don't expect anyone else to. I am in no way trying to be rude or insensitive. I am sorry if you are taking this the wrong way I am just purely trying to protect my son from having to grow up to fast by being a shoulder to lean on for his grandparents....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Very wonderful post by Steph and others.

I do agree that we simply can not understand the raw grief that these family members must be feeling.

I do, however, completely agree with the OP. As the parent of a sensitive child, I know that my MIL tends to obsess with 'death'. For a while it seemed that no matter WHO it was, even the cousin of a person who lived on the road up the street... It was constantly about who had died, who was suffering from what cancer or other affliction. I was very unconfortable with this for my DS, and many times openly 'changed the subject'.

I understand their grief. But is simply not appropriate to unload all of this on a little five year old child. It just isn't. Especially when the childs parents are not present. That is even more inappropriate.

My heart goes out to your Inlaws and your husband. I in no way want to minimize their feelings.

I do think that, just like the one poster mentioned, it might be up to YOU to be the one to protect your child. Simply limit the opportunity for this to happen until these other family members have a better handle on their feelings. Perhaps that would be best.

 

[nickelsfamily]

I do think that, just like the one poster mentioned, it might be up to YOU to be the one to protect your child. Simply limit the opportunity for this to happen until these other family members have a better handle on their feelings. Perhaps that would be best.

This is what I had thought at first, but DS is so close to them. I also don't want to feel as though I am punishing him. I just wish that there was a comprimise I could reach.
Like wishing on a star said- I guess it wouldn't bother me as much if I was around when these things went on. So, if I felt like it was too much for him to handle I could pull him aside. He was very close to his uncle and I know he needs to grieve as well-but in a 5 year olds mind the process is different.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

I have no problem with their greiving, its just that I don't think that my 5 year old son should have his grandmother crying to him about his uncle.

No, I have never lost a child, I have lost a sister. I know that you never stop that process and I don't expect anyone else to. I am in no way trying to be rude or insensitive. I am sorry if you are taking this the wrong way I am just purely trying to protect my son from having to grow up to fast by being a shoulder to lean on for his grandparents....

I don't think anyone is taking anything the wrong way. So far everyone has given you advice, like you asked. I don't think your in-laws are leaning on your son for emotional support - he just happens to be around them alot, and they're still very sad about losing their son. It wouldn't be appropriate to tell them when and where to grieve, so I suppose the only other option is to not allow your son to spend as much time with them until they get through this. What I would suggest (as another poster pointed out) is use this as opportunity to talk to your son about death, feelings and heaven, if that is your belief. Believe me, at five years old, he can understand alot more than you'd think. Explain to him how his grandma and grandpa are really sad because they lost someone they loved very much and that sometimes he'll see grandma cry and that's ok because it's ok to cry when your sad. Explain (if this is your belief) about Heaven. There's a really good book by Maria Shriver called "What's Heaven" that's geared toward young children. Explain that grandma and grandpa do things like say toasts and go by the cemetary because it makes them feel better and helps them remember his uncle. Being open about death with a child I think is far better for them emotionally and developmentally than sweeping it under the rug. And again, I would really let your DH handle this. At this stage in their grief, I can't see much postive come out of you personally confronting them about your concerns. Good luck.

 

[disykat]

I agree with the OP that her son is too young to be their support person. I'd let your dh handle this, but perhaps limiting the amount of time your son spends involved in their grief IS appropriate.

Is there anyway to contact a grief counselor for your son and then have your dh ask that the grandparents follow his/her suggestions?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The parents are allowed to grieve how they want. I would not tell them how they should grieve.

If you are uncomfortable with it then as the parent of your kid you should limit time with them until they are "done" with the intense grieving.

Perhaps limiting the time with your son is what they need right now. You can just cut back and see what happens. I wouldn't make an announcement or anything, just "be busy" or something.

 

[nickelsfamily]

I agree with the OP that her son is too young to be their support person. I'd let your dh handle this, but perhaps limiting the amount of time your son spends involved in their grief IS appropriate.

Is there anyway to contact a grief counselor for your son and then have your dh ask that the grandparents follow his/her suggestions?

DHs older brother is a firefighter and gave them the number to a wonderful greif counselor that the department reccomends. They declined to move forward with it. But, I never thought to contact one on behalf of my son. That is a great suggestion. Thanks

 

[Disney Doll]

I suppose you could say that your son is not mature enough to understand the depth of their grief, and that it makes him very sad to see his grandparents cry. They may not realize this. Also, in a situation like this, to avoid any future problems or animosity you might want to consider letting your DH handle it.

A very good way to word it and very good adviece to let DH handle it.

 

[clh2]

Now, when we drive past the cemetary which is by our house, DS will say "Hi Uncle. I'll see you soon". This bothers me a lot. /QUOTE]

This is the sentence that bothers me. While you in-laws may say this, and obviously, your son is repeating what he hears, eventually he is going to wonder "how soon is soon." Obviously, your in-laws are older than your DS, so "soon" for them is a different time-frame than it is for a 5-year old. But - how would you explain that to your son.

 

[Hannathy]

I have never lost a child Thank you God! but I have lost my parents and let me tell you there were days I needed to just hug my son and cry and he was 3.
He understood I was sad and upset and he was comforting and would always give me a big hug. I don't think your son is too young to be a support person, support comes in all different forms and sometimes those little guy hugs that reaffirm that life is still good and sweet are very comforting. I also think it is good for kids to be exposed to all different kinds of people and how they grieve or rejoice etc. Before you with hold your son from them please think how much they may need his prescence right now and how comforting he may be for them.

As far as how long they will talk about him, try forever- I just buried my 95 yr old aunt and she still talked about the son she lost 70+ yrs ago.