Preemptive parenting???

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I don't know if that's the right term, but this is a spin off on the breathalyzer test.

I have a sweet, kind, gentle, well organized, responsible, funy, all around wonderful 11 year old son. I understand that these years may well be the calm before the storm, and that there's no guarantee that at 13 he'll be as easy going and easy to parent as he is now. At the same time, when he was a sweet, kind, happy, sensible toddler people told me 2 was going to be "terrible" and it wasn't, they warned me about 3 and we sailed through . . . So who knows what the future holds?

Now that he's growing up and in middle school, I'm having to make new choices about limits and expectations especially around technology. On one hand, I'm a big believer that kids can live up to or down to our expectations. I certainly don't want to set the expectation that he will be trouble as a teenager, I want him to know that I trust him, and that I expect him to take responsibility for managing his own behavior. At the same time, I wonder if it makes sense to establish some limits now, when he likely won't push them, so that they're habits if he starts pushing later.

For example: I know lots of teenagers text late into the night and don't get enough sleep. I'm confident that he's not doing that now, because I stay up later than he does, we live in a tiny apartment, and he snores , but also because he's just not the kind of kid to lie to mom, if I ask him not text at night he won't. But a few years from now all that could be different. So do I head off trouble by telling him "the cell phone charger stays in my room and the phone gets plugged in before you brush your teeth", and set up a routine that will work if he becomes untrustworthy? Similarly, right now he tells me every grade he gets in school, and asks me for help when the homework gets hard, but I wonder if I should set up a routine of checking his online school account with him so that he knows that I'll always know how he's doing at school.

Anyway, how do other parents walk the line between preventing trouble without inviting trouble by setting up expectations?

 

[Magpie]

I don't know if that's the right term, but this is a spin off on the breathalyzer test.

I have a sweet, kind, gentle, well organized, responsible, funy, all around wonderful 11 year old son. I understand that these years may well be the calm before the storm, and that there's no guarantee that at 13 he'll be as easy going and easy to parent as he is now. At the same time, when he was a sweet, kind, happy, sensible toddler people told me 2 was going to be "terrible" and it wasn't, they warned me about 3 and we sailed through . . . So who knows what the future holds?

Now that he's growing up and in middle school, I'm having to make new choices about limits and expectations especially around technology. On one hand, I'm a big believer that kids can live up to or down to our expectations. I certainly don't want to set the expectation that he will be trouble as a teenager, I want him to know that I trust him, and that I expect him to take responsibility for managing his own behavior. At the same time, I wonder if it makes sense to establish some limits now, when he likely won't push them, so that they're habits if he starts pushing later.

For example: I know lots of teenagers text late into the night and don't get enough sleep. I'm confident that he's not doing that now, because I stay up later than he does, we live in a tiny apartment, and he snores , but also because he's just not the kind of kid to lie to mom, if I ask him not text at night he won't. But a few years from now all that could be different. So do I head off trouble by telling him "the cell phone charger stays in my room and the phone gets plugged in before you brush your teeth", and set up a routine that will work if he becomes untrustworthy? Similarly, right now he tells me every grade he gets in school, and asks me for help when the homework gets hard, but I wonder if I should set up a routine of checking his online school account with him so that he knows that I'll always know how he's doing at school.

Anyway, how do other parents walk the line between preventing trouble without inviting trouble by setting up expectations?

I think you're over-thinking things. Sure, he'll change. I've seen that in my own son! Testosterone's no fun. But you don't know yet exactly HOW he'll change. Texting may never be an issue. Grades might never be an issue. It may be something else entirely - something that it's never occurred to you to set preemptive rules around.

I think you should just relax and enjoy your son, the way he is right now. When problems arise, you can react to them then. I'm sure you'll be alert enough to notice them before they become huge problems! Everything you've written indicates that you are a thoughtful, attentive, caring parent.

Don't borrow trouble.

My boy is neck-deep in hormones right now. He spends waaay too long in the bathroom at night with the door locked. He doesn't want to talk to me any more, and he gets severely distracted, and probably couldn't find his way out of a wet paper bag. But he's actually doing more homework now that he did last year, and he even sometimes remembers to practice his music without me nagging him. His grades are as good as ever, and he has no interest in texting anyone. He spends his free time playing Halo with his buddies from school - they all get online as soon as they get home from class. He spends his spare change on lattes and has surprisingly strong opinions on coffee and where it's grown. He's really reliable about delivering all his papers. It's so neat to see hints of the man he'll be someday.

I think he's a great kid, and I don't expect that to change, even though I know he'll change. He'll be different, but I think it'll be a good kind of different.

Just like your boy will be different - but odds are it'll be mostly in a good way, and you'll deal with the bad when it comes. You taught him his basic ethics and morals, and THOSE won't change no matter what happens.

 

[klj27]

I have a 14, 11, and 6 year old. We have always had certain rules in place before the kids reach those ages. I think it keeps away the arguments when they know what the rules will be. Our kids have always been in boosters until age 8 (even before that was the law here), they aren't allowed to ride in the front seat until they are 12, and I recently told my 11 year old that he isn't allowed to get his drivers license until he earns his Eagle Scout rank. Obviously if scouting would become a negative experience for him we would come up with another responsability test. So far it is working though because he is two requirements from first class and is the only 6th grader working on individual merit badges. I think once he gets into life and star he will really learn the responsibility and maturity.

 

[MoniqueU]

My son is now 17. I have had very few issues with him, the only big deal ones were over grades and him not doing his work. He is polite, respectful, funny,charming and helpful.

I actually got called out on it on the Dis because I said I made my kids do their homework, this is while he was a freshman in hibhschool. I couldn't NOT micromanage every aspect of my kids lives like you seem to think you should to head stuff off. I checked his grades 3 times a day, quizzed his frineds, sent him to a private catholic school because there was less trouble there then at the local high school. I did him NO favors! He still had to take summer school for Spanish (50 percent deaf) and for Chemistry, which he told me the first day was not going to go well. I know nothing about Chemistry and with his sports getting a tutor would of been hard.

We have had a few bumps in the road, some stuff my husband found on his computer (I took his computer for I think over a year until I bought him a new one) a fight at school Jr year which every other time he had gotten in a scuffle he didn't retaliate much and still got suspended at the public school and this time he kicked the kids butt, so I had to go in for that. He wakes me up when he comes home, he asks me before he spends money and he is OPEN with me. He knows he can trust me. He is almost 18 now and yes I know he has been to drinking parties. Persoanlly for me that isn't a huge deal as long as he parks his car and doesn't go anywhere. He has been to a handful of these but he didn't lie to me, he texted me before bed to let me know he was safe and texted me in the morning to say he was ok. He drives now too so that is a huge stressor. I am a recent convert and now call it parenthood through prayer. I had to learn the hard way to let go a bit.

You sound like a good mom who wants nothing but the best for your son and your son sounds great to me, he reminds me alot of my son. My son has made some mistakes and choices I wish he hadn't but he has kept it safe and is still a good kid which is important to me. BTW he never sneaked liquor, he let me know right up front as we had talked for years about how bad drinking and driving was and that if he found himself in that situation no matter what stay put and call me and we would work it out. I am sure half the Dis will be aghast at my approach but I would rather know what my kids are up to and steer them the right way.

I have 2 younger girls 12 and 13 and I am very open with them as well especially about sex and birth control. I have a best friend I am real close to and she adores my girls and vice versa. I have told my kids if they ever don't feel comfortable talking to me about something go to her and she will keep their confidence for sure. I believe kids need to be able to share about the tough choices they have in life and get serious non judgemental advice.

I am sure I will get flamed though but I say relax. Enjoy your time with your son, I can't believe mine is a senior already!1

ETA ob the texting in bed thing, I am sure my oldest two do as well as surf the net and do facebook. My oldest dr is up before six and often times not home til 8 30 from water polo practice. My son is up at 6 30 and home at about 7. My oldest DD handles it just fine and rocks honors level classes and the year of math she skipped. Not a problem, the thrives on keeping her mind and body busy at all times. My son, well I think he could use a bit more sleep but I don't think it would improve his grades due to the hearing issue and then sometimes flat out not turning work in. He actually gets better grades during football season when he has less time to do the work and sleep. So I don't think that is an issue for either of them. My youngest dd has massive insomnia like I do. She will pull all nighters and then still go to school and then come home and go to bed a bit early and wake up at the crack of dawn. I really have to watch her closely as that isn't good for her and at the first sign of that she takes some benadryl to get her back on track. She still makes high nonors but not sleeping for 36 hours isn't good. She isn't texting or on the computer but rather watching tv and raiding the fridge and playing with the dog. Some kids like my oldest DD just don't need as much sleep as you would think

I hope my ideas help.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think you're over-thinking things. Sure, he'll change. I've seen that in my own son! Testosterone's no fun. But you don't know yet exactly HOW he'll change. Texting may never be an issue. Grades might never be an issue. It may be something else entirely - something that it's never occurred to you to set preemptive rules around.

I think you should just relax and enjoy your son, the way he is right now. When problems arise, you can react to them then. I'm sure you'll be alert enough to notice them before they become huge problems! Everything you've written indicates that you are a thoughtful, attentive, caring parent.

Don't borrow trouble.

My boy is neck-deep in hormones right now. He spends waaay too long in the bathroom at night with the door locked. He doesn't want to talk to me any more, and he gets severely distracted, and probably couldn't find his way out of a wet paper bag. But he's actually doing more homework now that he did last year, and he even sometimes remembers to practice his music without me nagging him. His grades are as good as ever, and he has no interest in texting anyone. He spends his free time playing Halo with his buddies from school - they all get online as soon as they get home from class. He spends his spare change on lattes and has surprisingly strong opinions on coffee and where it's grown. He's really reliable about delivering all his papers. It's so neat to see hints of the man he'll be someday.

I think he's a great kid, and I don't expect that to change, even though I know he'll change. He'll be different, but I think it'll be a good kind of different.

Just like your boy will be different - but odds are it'll be mostly in a good way, and you'll deal with the bad when it comes. You taught him his basic ethics and morals, and THOSE won't change no matter what happens.

I agree with Magpie--borrowing trouble is never a good idea. My 13 year old (her classmate all range in age from 14-16 plus one just turned 17) still HATES texting and refuses to do it. It may change and if it does and she does not manage it well on her own, we will set up appropriate guidelines; but some kids just do not have an issue with that. I don't want to have a "billion" rules (as my son would say) so I prefer to wait and see what I need to worry about and only have those few rules in place (hopefully they will mean more if there are only a few too).

 

[golfgal]

I have a 14, 11, and 6 year old. We have always had certain rules in place before the kids reach those ages. I think it keeps away the arguments when they know what the rules will be. Our kids have always been in boosters until age 8 (even before that was the law here), they aren't allowed to ride in the front seat until they are 12, and I recently told my 11 year old that he isn't allowed to get his drivers license until he earns his Eagle Scout rank. Obviously if scouting would become a negative experience for him we would come up with another responsability test. So far it is working though because he is two requirements from first class and is the only 6th grader working on individual merit badges. I think once he gets into life and star he will really learn the responsibility and maturity.

This is the kind of stuff I just don't get, why does a kid need a "responsibility test" to get a driver's license? What if they are responsible in one area and not at all in others-you have just boxed yourself into a corner by saying that when he gets his Eagle Scout he gets his license. Now, granted most Eagle Scouts are pretty good kids but not always. We have just told our kids that they will be "eligible" to get their license when they are 16 and had to prove to us they are responsible DRIVERS before they can take their test. DD cleaning her room has zero bearing on how good of a driver she is or not. I think it is a cumulative process not just a "you do this, you get this" deal.

We don't make rules just to have rules and I think that is were a lot of people get into trouble with their kids. "You won't do this until you are this age" or "you can't do this until you do this" sets everyone up for failure.

As long as your child is meeting your expectations, why impose rules that really don't need to be imposed? Keep it simple.

When our kids got cell phones the "rules" were "if you go over our minutes, you pay the difference-they didn't have texting yet" and if they lose their phone, they buy the replacement or wait until their next free upgrade. IF the stay up until 2:00 AM on a school night texting a friend, they pay the consequence of being tired in school the next day, big deal. They will learn if they do that too much, they can't function the next day. We have had ZERO issues.

When the kids go out with friends we expect them to let us know who they are going with, where they are going and when they expect to be home. If we want them home by a certain time, we tell them, if not, the town has a midnight curfew and they follow that. We have had ZERO issues. Our kids have earned a lot of freedom because they really haven't done anything to lose our trust.

 

[NHdisneylover]

This is the kind of stuff I just don't get, why does a kid need a "responsibility test" to get a driver's license? What if they are responsible in one area and not at all in others-you have just boxed yourself into a corner by saying that when he gets his Eagle Scout he gets his license. Now, granted most Eagle Scouts are pretty good kids but not always. We have just told our kids that they will be "eligible" to get their license when they are 16 and had to prove to us they are responsible DRIVERS before they can take their test. DD cleaning her room has zero bearing on how good of a driver she is or not. I think it is a cumulative process not just a "you do this, you get this" deal.

We don't make rules just to have rules and I think that is were a lot of people get into trouble with their kids. "You won't do this until you are this age" or "you can't do this until you do this" sets everyone up for failure.

As long as your child is meeting your expectations, why impose rules that really don't need to be imposed? Keep it simple.

When our kids got cell phones the "rules" were "if you go over our minutes, you pay the difference-they didn't have texting yet" and if they lose their phone, they buy the replacement or wait until their next free upgrade. IF the stay up until 2:00 AM on a school night texting a friend, they pay the consequence of being tired in school the next day, big deal. They will learn if they do that too much, they can't function the next day. We have had ZERO issues.

When the kids go out with friends we expect them to let us know who they are going with, where they are going and when they expect to be home. If we want them home by a certain time, we tell them, if not, the town has a midnight curfew and they follow that. We have had ZERO issues. Our kids have earned a lot of freedom because they really haven't done anything to lose our trust.

Exactly

 

[allison443]

For example: I know lots of teenagers text late into the night and don't get enough sleep. I'm confident that he's not doing that now, because I stay up later than he does, we live in a tiny apartment, and he snores , but also because he's just not the kind of kid to lie to mom, if I ask him not text at night he won't. But a few years from now all that could be different. So do I head off trouble by telling him "the cell phone charger stays in my room and the phone gets plugged in before you brush your teeth", and set up a routine that will work if he becomes untrustworthy?

Just my opinion, but this is putting the responsibility on you rather than him. So if he stays up late texting, that has natural consequences: he'll be really tired the next day. So what? He won't die from that, but hopefully he'll learn to control his own behavior.
I know he is only 11, but I think it's good for kids to learn how to make good choices. If you control things like this, you are taking away the choices and the chances to learn from making certain choices.
Things that are safety related are of course non-negotiable, but sometimes experience is the best teacher.

 

[allison443]

This is the kind of stuff I just don't get, why does a kid need a "responsibility test" to get a driver's license? What if they are responsible in one area and not at all in others-you have just boxed yourself into a corner by saying that when he gets his Eagle Scout he gets his license. Now, granted most Eagle Scouts are pretty good kids but not always. We have just told our kids that they will be "eligible" to get their license when they are 16 and had to prove to us they are responsible DRIVERS before they can take their test. DD cleaning her room has zero bearing on how good of a driver she is or not. I think it is a cumulative process not just a "you do this, you get this" deal.

We don't make rules just to have rules and I think that is were a lot of people get into trouble with their kids. "You won't do this until you are this age" or "you can't do this until you do this" sets everyone up for failure.

As long as your child is meeting your expectations, why impose rules that really don't need to be imposed? Keep it simple.

When our kids got cell phones the "rules" were "if you go over our minutes, you pay the difference-they didn't have texting yet" and if they lose their phone, they buy the replacement or wait until their next free upgrade. IF the stay up until 2:00 AM on a school night texting a friend, they pay the consequence of being tired in school the next day, big deal. They will learn if they do that too much, they can't function the next day. We have had ZERO issues.

When the kids go out with friends we expect them to let us know who they are going with, where they are going and when they expect to be home. If we want them home by a certain time, we tell them, if not, the town has a midnight curfew and they follow that. We have had ZERO issues. Our kids have earned a lot of freedom because they really haven't done anything to lose our trust.

I agree with this post!

 

[castleview]

I have a 14, 11, and 6 year old. We have always had certain rules in place before the kids reach those ages. I think it keeps away the arguments when they know what the rules will be. Our kids have always been in boosters until age 8 (even before that was the law here), they aren't allowed to ride in the front seat until they are 12, and I recently told my 11 year old that he isn't allowed to get his drivers license until he earns his Eagle Scout rank. Obviously if scouting would become a negative experience for him we would come up with another responsability test. So far it is working though because he is two requirements from first class and is the only 6th grader working on individual merit badges. I think once he gets into life and star he will really learn the responsibility and maturity.

He's 11 and not going to get either his license or Eagle Scout for quite a few years. What if he changes his mind about scouting? Scouting takes up a lot of time and if he forgoes other activities just so he can drive - well, that's not a good thing.