Practical tips for balancing spending habits...

[Princesca]

...in a marriage?

Other than therapy and having an "agreed upon" budget, which we already do (note the air quotes around agreed upon though), what are some practical tips for peacefully coexisting when one person is a saver and the other is an impulse spender? The spender also has an amount of "mad money" they are able to spend each month at their discretion to give them some wiggle room to impulse spend.

 

[Carol_]

Don’t rehash old fights.

 

[tvguy]

Married 40 years come June. We have never spent more than $100 without talking about it in advance.
Communication prevents problems.

 

[DLgal]

I don't know. We have never had disagreements over money. My husband trusts me to manage all the finances and he provides the income. It works for us to spend our disposable income however we each want. We don't consult each other on purchases under like $1000 and we only spend big money on vacations or things for the house that everyone gets to benefit from, so there are no points of contention. We just make sure the credit cards can be paid off every month, but we have a lot of flexibility in our discretionary spending.

When we had more limited funds, I would simply alert my husband when we were closing in on our spending limit for the month and ask him to refrain from buying anything he didn't actually NEED until further notice. I still do that from time to time, because he has a toy/Lego collecting hobby that can get quite expensive and sometimes we are saving up for a specific goal or we just made a large purchase and there is less to play with.

In short, we each have freedom and one person keeps a watchful eye on the spending to determine when it's okay to spend and when we need to reign it in. We communicate. I don't micromanage his spending nor comment on it, and he does the same for me. I can't imagine living in a marriage where I had to answer to someone for every penny I spent. I'm not a child.

 

[lockets]

Just to get clarity…

What is he impulse spending on? Is it always the same things or different? Is it used by the household or just him?

Also what do you save for? Does your saving have categories and does he think you save too much? Similar to above are your savings to be used by household or self?

 

[martikus]

The saver manages the money. Each person gets mad money. Anything above that requires discusssion.

my husband eventually becamE a saver once he saw if we saved we could do vacations.

if the spender never reigns it in them hope they trust you to manage it all.

be willing to compromise.

after 20+ years we are pretty much on same page. I go out weeekly for lunch at work so my husband buys lunch once a week even though doesn’t need too. We figured out he was annoyed he didn’t get too. It was such an easy thing to compromise on.

i can’t imagine how to live if one truly
Can’t reign in their non need spending.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Between my husband and I I find it's easier for us to think about things more of a "do we really need it" and a "okay this is an indulgence for this time"

I tend to be the saver in our relationship with him more prone to more impulse buys but we're not talking crazy high spending all the time either. Things here and there are offset by other smaller purchases or other things saved.

There's also IMO a point where if it's more annoyance at one's spending habits (which actually goes both ways to the saver and to the spender) but it's not impacting the financial situation in a detrimental way more leeway could be accounted for. No need to create conflict sometimes.

Impulse spending is a very vague term. Despite what we savers might think not all impulse spending can be seen as awful. I used to impulse buy books but they were usually either $1 or half price (bought a lot from Half Price Books) for under $5. It was my one indulgence, something I felt comfortable spending money on. But are we talking thousands of dollars on purses all the time or high end electronics that don't get used but the rare time or two? Those could be seen as more harmful.

 

[Princesca]

Just to get clarity…

What is he impulse spending on? Is it always the same things or different? Is it used by the household or just him?

Also what do you save for? Does your saving have categories and does he think you save too much? Similar to above are your savings to be used by household or self?

It's different things, for different purposes, but probably at least half the time it's something frivolous. We are saving for vacations, and if anything, my spouse is the one pushing for more expensive hotels, etc, so we seem to be in agreement on that. We only have one income, so there isn't a lot of wiggle room.

 

[Twilghtsprkle]

It's different things, for different purposes, but probably at least half the time it's something frivolous. We are saving for vacations, and if anything, my spouse is the one pushing for more expensive hotels, etc, so we seem to be in agreement on that. We only have one income, so there isn't a lot of wiggle room.

1 income so only the spouse’s income?

 

[DLgal]

It's different things, for different purposes, but probably at least half the time it's something frivolous. We are saving for vacations, and if anything, my spouse is the one pushing for more expensive hotels, etc, so we seem to be in agreement on that. We only have one income, so there isn't a lot of wiggle room.

Who handles the money management? Is it primarily you?

Whenever my husband started spending too much, it helped a lot to bring him to the computer and "show him the money." I'd say to him, "See this spreadsheet? This is next month's expenses. See that amount on top? When that gets to zero, we can no longer pay our bills in full. We still have 11 days in the credit card billing cycle. That number up there needs to last that long, and I still have to buy groceries and gas and whatever else. Please do not buy anything unnecessary for the next 11 days."

When he saw the actual numbers, it clicked for him every time. We got to a point where all I would have to say is "nothing but needs until (insert date here)."

Every six months or so, I do a rundown of where ALL our money is and how much we have in the various accounts. When he starts talking about vacations, I tell him whether it's feasible or not. I like a good vacation splurge too, so we talk about what we can manage each year. This year, in lieu of one long vacation, we decided to go big and splurge on a couple shorter getaways, one family and one couples only. Next summer we will do a big celebratory family vacation after he retires from the military. As much as I want to join him in the YOLO mentality, one of us has to be the responsible one, financially.

This may or may not be in play for your situation, but oftentimes frivolous spending is a coping mechanism for stress, anxiety/depression, or some other mental health issue. It can be a result of upbringing and a desire to break away from a financially difficult past. Sometimes frivolous spending has much more complex cause than just being blase about money. Maybe think about why he spends frivolously and what purpose does that serve.

 

[Princesca]

1 income so only the spouse’s income?

My income.

 

[Princesca]

Who handles the money management? Is it primarily you?

This may or may not be in play for your situation, but oftentimes frivolous spending is a coping mechanism for stress, anxiety/depression, or some other mental health issue. It can be a result of upbringing and a desire to break away from a financially difficult past. Sometimes frivolous spending has much more complex cause than just being blase about money. Maybe think about why he spends frivolously and what purpose does that serve for him.

Me, yes, and the budget has helped. It takes some of the pressure off me, because instead of an arbitrary 'we can't' I can, as you said, show her the budget and say 'Here's where we are for the month. The money just isn't there to spend.' When I proposed the budget, I didn't implement it until she approved of the categories/spend limits.

I think you are spot-on about it being a coping mechanism. Saving money makes me feel good. I get a charge out of it and enjoy seeing how far we can stretch a buck. But I think my wife sees it as, at best, a necessary evil. I think we are both probably too far in our respective directions, sometimes, as I know I can be anxious about money sometimes when there's no pressing need to be. (Sometimes it's a legit anxiety, though.) So we have coping mechanisms that are rather at odds with each other, and that creates friction sometimes.

 

[DLgal]

I think you are spot-on about it being a coping mechanism. Saving money makes me feel good. I get a charge out of it and enjoy seeing how far we can stretch a buck. But I think my wife sees it as, at best, a necessary evil. I think we are both probably too far in our respective directions, sometimes, as I know I can be anxious about money sometimes when there's no pressing need to be. (Sometimes it's a legit anxiety, though.) So we have coping mechanisms that are rather at odds with each other, and that creates friction sometimes.

Very good point that being frugal/saving can also be a coping mechanism. It sounds like both of you need to work on maybe addressing your individual financial "hang ups" as it were, and I think therapy/counseling can go a long way in that, so that these things don't cause so much friction that they endanger your relationship. Really, so many marriages break up over money and it's such a shame. Don't let that happen to you.

I often find myself fighting an internal battle because, like you, saving/investing money and watching it grow gives me a thrill, as well as peace of mind, but I ALSO like to spend money and shop and probably spend more than I "need to" sometimes, even on, like, groceries. I like good quality food, and sometimes I go overboard on gourmet ingredients at high end food stores. It's my Achilles heel. A brand new Bristol Farms concept market just opened in my city and I have had to stop myself from going over there several times this week because my son needs 2 new pairs of glasses and I just booked a weekend at the Disneyland hotel with my BFF (so we split the cost, but still, it was an impromptu decision). At some point, I have to tell MYSELF "No!"

 

[Princesca]

Very good point that being frugal/saving can also be a coping mechanism. It sounds like both of you need to work on maybe addressing your individual financial "hang ups" as it were, and I think therapy/counseling can go a long way in that, so that these things don't cause so much friction that they endanger your relationship. Really, so many marriages break up over money and it's such a shame. Don't let that happen to you.

Yeah, we just had our first therapy appt and the therapist was pretty savvy about noticing that I was talking about financial concerns a lot. I grew up fairly poor (though not destitute) and money was always tight, and I swore I'd never live that way again. Being the only earner and having my whole family rely on my income, alone, has been triggering in a way I kinda anticipated it would... so I probably should have started therapy awhile ago. But better late than never!

 

[DLgal]

Yeah, we just had our first therapy appt and the therapist was pretty savvy about noticing that I was talking about financial concerns a lot. I grew up fairly poor (though not destitute) and money was always tight, and I swore I'd never live that way again. Being the only earner and having my whole family rely on my income, alone, has been triggering in a way I kinda anticipated it would... so I probably should have started therapy awhile ago. But better late than never!

You sound very self aware open to receiving feedback and that is really great. Therapy will help you a lot with this issue.

My husband also grew up quite poor (family was on government assistance, never owned a home, etc). He never got new toys for Christmas or his birthday and that honestly scarred him for life. He promised himself that when he was a grown up with his own money, he would buy whatever toys he wanted. And that is exactly what he has done. I can't fault him for it. It's his hobby (he collects action figures and Lego), and how he chooses to spend his disposable income. He is fully aware that this is, essentially, a trauma response to having endured so much hardship as a child. He is in a place, financially, that he worked very hard to get to, and his toy collecting makes him happy in a way that he never was as a child. These types of experiences run deep and can affect so much of your behavior around money as an adult. I have to tread carefully with my husband because he does work hard and we do have enough money, and sometimes when I get overzealous about saving, I have to step back and leave him alone to buy his toys, because I don't want to put him back to that place, mentally, where he was not able to have the things he wanted.

 

[tzolkin]

Saving money makes me feel good. I get a charge out of it and enjoy seeing how far we can stretch a buck. But I think my wife sees it as, at best, a necessary evil.

I handle the finances, but one thing my husband does enjoy is seeing goals met or money grow. Perhaps setting up a system that makes it a little more fun for your spouse would be helpful/motivating to limit spending.

Years ago I used to track all our receipts on envelopes by category. At the end of the month we would see what was “left” in each category and then have a chunk to put toward our vacation or whatever special savings category we had going (new car, etc). My husband found this fun and would be excited to spend as little as possible to see how high we could get the special fund money each month. Sometimes we would do a “no buy” month where we had to come up with meals that used up food in our pantry and freezer. We didn’t need to do it; we had plenty of money for groceries. But it was a fun challenge and then we got to see a huge amount added to our savings that month.

(This was separate from regular savings that we had budgeted to be automatically saved. This was a way specifically to cut spending and was a reward for spending less than what we had budgeted for spending in certain categories.)

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

I introduced a system called the "Money Maid"
I cannot stand to see all of DH little splurge/impulse spending. It irritates me that he spends on what he ends up buying, but whatever. Instead of seeing 17 little $4-10 buys on the bank statement, I make sure that he has X amount of cash in his wallet to use for all those little buys. Then, I don't care whatever the heck he spends it on.
It has significantly helped.

 

[Princesca]

I introduced a system called the "Money Maid"
I cannot stand to see all of DH little splurge/impulse spending. It irritates me that he spends on what he ends up buying, but whatever. Instead of seeing 17 little $4-10 buys on the bank statement, I make sure that he has X amount of cash in his wallet to use for all those little buys. Then, I don't care whatever the heck he spends it on.
It has significantly helped.

Yes, this. This wasn't really a problem until we combined finances and she became a SAHM. Before, she had her own income, and I didn't really have any involvement in her spending. I preferred it that way. But now I'm managing the household budget. We're on our first month of her basically having $100 to spend as 'mad money' so we'll see if that helps.

 

[princesscinderella]

My husband pretty much ignored all the finances for a long while. I was always reading and learning through financial books and articles. I finally got my husband to read rich dad poor dad and it really helped to get him interested in our finances. Now he listens to financial audio books on his way to work and drives me crazy with wanting to sit down and go over the numbers constantly. Before it was how are we doing financially I’d say ok and he’d say great.

 

[barkley]

I introduced a system called the "Money Maid"
I cannot stand to see all of DH little splurge/impulse spending. It irritates me that he spends on what he ends up buying, but whatever. Instead of seeing 17 little $4-10 buys on the bank statement, I make sure that he has X amount of cash in his wallet to use for all those little buys. Then, I don't care whatever the heck he spends it on.
It has significantly helped.

Yes, this. This wasn't really a problem until we combined finances and she became a SAHM. Before, she had her own income, and I didn't really have any involvement in her spending. I preferred it that way. But now I'm managing the household budget. We're on our first month of her basically having $100 to spend as 'mad money' so we'll see if that helps.

our household budget also has a line item for dh's 'pocket money' not b/c he spends much but i got tired of having to write all the little debit card charges into our check registry each month. it works fine for us b/c his purchases tend to be face to face/in person but i've known other households where the 'impulse' purchases are amazon and other online retailers so using this method just provides the person with cash in hand but they are still using the debit or credit cards to do their online purchases so it ends up being more spent in the long run. if the issue includes online spending then one solution is to open an entirely separate no fee bank account that is in no way connected to overdraft from any of your other accounts. every month have a set amount transferred to that account from your household budget. your partner gets a debit card for that account and when they exhaust your mutually agreed upon monthly amount the card is going to get declined for the purchase so there's no going above the amount. anything that rolls over month to month they still have access to. it also can serve as a tool to make someone aware of how those small purchases add up when they see a monthly statement of solely their impulse purchases.