HOW TO POOP AT WORK!
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to convince
ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping
at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell
is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.
FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check! for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace.This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom
to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the
water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
thesmell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is
damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up
a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on
the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
