PMS in a Handbasket--Don't be afraid, just bring us food... Part 2a

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Tigger&Belle said:
Good morning!

I had to laugh about Tara's boys looking like they are full of trouble. Jake is so full of trouble, but unless you know him you wouldn't guess it except for his eyes. They twinkle! OMG, just like me it's scary. :rotfl: Maybe I should rephrase--my eyes don't twinkle, but I've never looked like trouble, either. For the people who know Jake, he's a yardstick--people tell me the teachers that he shouldn't get, which kids of theirs he reminds them of, etc. I never got all the comments about my older kids, so it's kind of a different experience being the mom of an outgoing little one ("Oh, you're Jake's mom" :lmao: ).

I don't know why I didn't think of Shug for the wig robberies! She's probably making the drive up here. She did say that she's coming into some extra money, right? Hmmm, sounds suspicious, if you ask me. :smooth:

:rotfl2: :rotfl2:

I get, "Your Corey's Dad", from the young ladies around here (12 to 19), and I feel like that is a good thing, from thier dads I dont think it is such a good thing :rotfl:
 
Good Morning Sunshines :sunny: Anyone have a synopsis for me :confused3
 
L107ANGEL said:
Good Morning Sunshines :sunny: Anyone have a synopsis for me :confused3
T&A thinks SHug is the wigged bandit in the DC area
we have been having a discussion about boys :rotfl:
 
Morning all!

Everybody ready for a bright new day?

Today I will get things done. No more running around for my DH's company that he works for (I used to work there too).
I got my own things to do gosh darn it! LOL

Question - is there a program in microsoft office where I can put in address and then when I need to print envelopes I'm all set to go instead of typing them in each time?
 

phorsenuf said:
Morning all!

Everybody ready for a bright new day?

Today I will get things done. No more running around for my DH's company that he works for (I used to work there too).
I got my own things to do gosh darn it! LOL

Question - is there a program in microsoft office where I can put in address and then when I need to print envelopes I'm all set to go instead of typing them in each time?

Do you have Access?
 
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.




Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.






Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.






Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.






Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).






Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.






France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.






Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.






George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.






Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.






85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.






Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.






Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.






Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.






Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.






Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.






New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.






Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.






IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
 
/
OK, I played around in office and I found the whole mail merge deal. So I put in all my addresses and if all goes well I should be able to hit the final print in the wizard thingy and off they go.
I sure hope this works! LOL
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.


The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."


That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, a and says: "Ask him again!"


The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"


The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"


The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


Don't ya just love lawyers??
 
Morning everybody :wave:

Chuck, your headlines are simultaneously hilarious and scary.

I don't have any boys, just the one girl, but she's a doozy. :thumbsup2 In terms of being known as "Molly's mom", I think I told this story lately somewhere, so if it was here, my apologies in advance for repeating myself.

Once, years ago (Molly was probably about 6), there was someone at church who knew hubby and I, and also knew her, but didn't know she was our kid. When this person finally figured out that we went together, her comment was, "Oh, you're Molly's parents. I would have never put her with you guys. She's so smart!" :lmao:
 
A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"

"Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple
asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she
responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said."Thirty-five years old..... and both of you still
believe in genies?"
 
"I'm a Yankees fan," a first grade teacher explains to her class. "Who likes the Yankees?"

Everyone raises a hand except one little girl. "Janie," the teacher says surprised. "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

"I'm not a Yankees fan".

"Well if your not a Yankees fan, then what team do you like?"

"The Red Sox," Janie answered.

"Why in the world are you a Red Sox fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are Red Sox fans".

"That's no reason to be a Red Sox fan," the teacher replies annoyed. "You don't always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons?" "What would you be then?"

"A Yankees fan."
 
phorsenuf said:
"I'm a Yankees fan," a first grade teacher explains to her class. "Who likes the Yankees?"

Everyone raises a hand except one little girl. "Janie," the teacher says surprised. "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

"I'm not a Yankees fan".

"Well if your not a Yankees fan, then what team do you like?"

"The Red Sox," Janie answered.

"Why in the world are you a Red Sox fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are Red Sox fans".

"That's no reason to be a Red Sox fan," the teacher replies annoyed. "You don't always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons?" "What would you be then?"

"A Yankees fan."
:rotfl2: :lmao:
 
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two
weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
 
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.



Well, my job is done!
 
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

This one is for everyone who:

(a) has kids

(b) had kids

(c) was a kid

(d) knows a kid

(e) is going to have kids



I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.



Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.



When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.



I said, "What's wrong, honey?"



She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
 
Good Morning

Chuch :lmao:

I can't decide if I should take the kids to PotC2 for the second time or spend my day off in my jammies. Dilemma!
 
Aimee K said:
Good Morning

Chuch :lmao:

I can't decide if I should take the kids to PotC2 for the second time or spend my day off in my jammies. Dilemma!
and dont forget the pics :teeth: :rotfl:
 
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