Plz help.....teenaged son's girlfriend is pregnant UPDATE ON PG 13

[61292cna]

If my daughter got pregnant ( she's 15 and I hope that I won't have this problem), she would have 2 choices- abortion or adoption.

We have taken in girls, who were kicked out simply for being pregnant & if your rigidity of choices made your daughter feel the need to leave home, me or others like me would be very happy to take her in. There is too much danger out there for teenage mothers & mothers-to-be for them to be out on the streets!!!

Ps. We would even try to help her repair her relationship with you!

 

[waltsgirl]

Depending on your state, I am not sure if it was mentioned or not, it may be enough to just put his name on the birth certificate. I know a friend of mine who did not want her son to have his name put on the birth certificate until after DNA testing but being young and thinking he was in love, he let the girl put his name on it at the hospital. Now, he and the girl are not speaking, he is really not sure if he is the father or not, based on what he knows of girl, but since his name is on the BC, guess what? He is the father. They have been trying to get the court to order DNA testing but so far the judges have not been willing.

I would agree that you should talk to a family law attorney and get some legal advice. Emotions are high right now on all sides and you need to be prepared for anything.

 

[jsmith]

im not going to comment or offer advice on the OPs situation-she has gotten plenty of that-but i am going to throw out some information on single parents in the military that may or or may not be useful.
And my observation would be that the parents pressuring her to join the army has little or nothing to do with keeping the young people apart or college-the army is in fact a damn good place for a single mom-medical care, housing, decent safe child care, learning a skill and a livable income all come with a military career-it would get the grandparents (gfs parents) off the hook for caring for her and the child and the embarrassment of having a child on welfare-and take her out of the home to where she could not report abuse of the younger siblings to CPS-seems a pretty good deal all the way around.
However-there are some things about that people miss-a single parent entering ANY armed service has to give up phyiscal custody of any child or children for the duration of basic training and any technical schools-(advanced individual training in the army)-that is a period of four to 18 months depending on the military occupational specaility of the soldier. They also have to have a notarized Family Care Plan that gives detailed instructions on who and where a child or children-or dependant parents-will be cared for if the soldier is deployed from their permenant duty station or sent on unaccompanied orders. Failure to provide one will get the soldier kicked out of the army.
This is the kicker-because someone has to agree to take that baby while she trains-and thats the risk for the OP and her son-because im not thinking that it would be the girls parents-if the boy is indeed the biological father the army will encourage her to give him custody-and that is another kettle of worms that would have to be dealt with.
No judgement or suggestions-just information. Its gonna be a long tough ride-good luck to all of you.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Wow. I respect your feelings, but they are so foreign to what I feel is right. I hope it never comes down to it. I'm assuming you're making birth control available to your daughter.

Obviously you have a right to your opinion, but maybe you should also in your research look at sites & message boards where biological mothers were forced to give up their babies by their parents, hospitals, etc who thought they knew what was right for these girls. It was especially common in Australia for some reason.

Heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking. Many of these women have spent most of their adult lives feeling broken and hopeless. I wouldn't put my worst enemy through that pain, let alone my own daughter.

Testy huh?
Your life experience has clearly colored your responses, but you can't possibly think that typing the sentence "My daughter will have 2 choices-adoption or abortion" wouldn't raise some eyebrows. Because the fact remains, whether you like it or not, that your daughter would have 3 choices...adoption, abortion or keeping her child. Two of them might be acceptable to you, one of them clearly isn't. But it doesn't negate the fact that your daughter would have three choices. You can certainly choose to draw your line int he sand with regard to this situation wherever you wish with your child, but be aware that the drawing of that line might have consequences.

yes...that original post of "My daughter will have 2 choices-adoption or abortion" is very sad, and controlling. Just because it was hard for you to be a teen mom doesn't mean you'd give up your son (at least I'd hope not).. but it's hard for all moms, regardless of age, and i'd like to think most moms find it all worth it.
There ARE 3 choices...the one I wouldn't agree with is abortion, but its still a choice, and I wouldn't condemn it.The sad part is, the one you don't agree with allows the child to be born and loved by blood. Teen moms can be loving parents too....

 

[Liann]

You'll have to pardon me. I read the first 4 pages and then skipped to the last page because I wanted to say something.

I am 40 years old, my Brother is 46. I have been with the same guy since I was 17 yrs old.

My Brother, not so lucky. Imagine being a man with a normal background and family. (well, as normal as it gets LOL) ANYHOO! Imagine being young and stupid and your girlfriend gets pregnant! Imagine marrying her and then 4 years later noticing that the son who carries your name III looks JUST like your room mate 5 years ago....... Your 2 yr old looks JUST like you tho!

Things turn sour in your marriage because of obvious reasons not to say you weren't bad yourself.

You get a divorce and have every intention of being a Father to BOTH boys even though you KNOW the older child is not of your blood. Now imagine aLL of your family knowing the truth yet still welcoming this child as their own and being excited.

Now imagine losing your job and having the Mother of these children putting you in jail for being a dead beat Dad after 11 years of child support payments, visits, gifts, and phone calls from not only you but other family on your side.

My Brother paid child support on both of these boys till they were 18.

Why did he pay child support on a kid that wasn't his? Because he was there to witness the birth cert. and signed as the Father. We're in TX. (He loved him also) Things may be different here. When my Brother finally decided to contest paternity the judge determined that at the age of 8 my Nephew would be psychologically traumatized so a DNA test was denied.

Both of those boys were told WE were awful all their lives. BOTH of those boys do drugs and have been in jail- one is right now again.

My Brother is a Grampa and my Mom is a Great Gramma- I can't tell em. They still remember the boys as being 8 and 6. I only found em 2 years ago on myspace..... BTW they both hate me but haven't deleted me from their myspace.

Do I have any hints? NOPE!

Hope it turns out better for you tho.

 

[SereneOne]

You'll have to pardon me. I read the first 4 pages and then skipped to the last page because I wanted to say something.

I am 40 years old, my Brother is 46. I have been with the same guy since I was 17 yrs old.

My Brother, not so lucky. Imagine being a man with a normal background and family. (well, as normal as it gets LOL) ANYHOO! Imagine being young and stupid and your girlfriend gets pregnant! Imagine marrying her and then 4 years later noticing that the son who carries your name III looks JUST like your room mate 5 years ago....... Your 2 yr old looks JUST like you tho!

Things turn sour in your marriage because of obvious reasons not to say you weren't bad yourself.

You get a divorce and have every intention of being a Father to BOTH boys even though you KNOW the older child is not of your blood. Now imagine aLL of your family knowing the truth yet still welcoming this child as their own and being excited.

Now imagine losing your job and having the Mother of these children putting you in jail for being a dead beat Dad after 11 years of child support payments, visits, gifts, and phone calls from not only you but other family on your side.

My Brother paid child support on both of these boys till they were 18.

Why did he pay child support on a kid that wasn't his? Because he was there to witness the birth cert. and signed as the Father. We're in TX. (He loved him also) Things may be different here. When my Brother finally decided to contest paternity the judge determined that at the age of 8 my Nephew would be psychologically traumatized so a DNA test was denied.

Both of those boys were told WE were awful all their lives. BOTH of those boys do drugs and have been in jail- one is right now again.

My Brother is a Grampa and my Mom is a Great Gramma- I can't tell em. They still remember the boys as being 8 and 6. I only found em 2 years ago on myspace..... BTW they both hate me but haven't deleted me from their myspace.

Do I have any hints? NOPE!

Hope it turns out better for you tho.

PAS is a horrible thing.


(Parental Alienation Syndrome)

 

[daisax]

A friend of mine got married young, the baby (and eventual child) looked nothing like him (or his wife). The daughter that followed a couple of years later was the spitting image of him, which only made the boy's complete lack of any family resemblence even more obvious. But he loved his son, considered him his son, and never asked or wanted to know that he wasn't biologically his own.

Years passed, the marriage broke up. Even more years passed -- the son had a child of his own -- who is a dead ringer for my friend as well as all the other kids in that family (and looks NOTHING like his own father).

Genes can be funny things, and people can assume things that are very wrong for many years.

A DNA test is truly the only way to know.

 

[fey_spirit]

Great, in a time when the system is screaming about how they have to let drug dealers and real rapists out on the street because of overcrowding in prisions - they're going to waste more space with this?!

that's exactly what i said to the cop i saw yesterday. she said it's because he is UNDER 16 and she is OVER 16. she came to my work to have me write a statement that i knew of the relationship and that i don't want to press charges. my son also had to write a statement that he wasn't raped. the officer told me that ds laughed in her face when she asked him if he was raped! this is so wrong. they are CLASSMATES!
as if florida doesn't have enough low life perverts and criminals to deal with already. please.....give me a freakin break
the cop said she will give the state attorey's office our statements, but they will probably file charges anyways. just what the kids DON"T need to deal with right now.

 

[fey_spirit]

It very well might have.
IF she were scared and trying to avoid it for any number of reasons...
Maybe she didn't want to be brought up on charges of stat rape, maybe she didn't know how the boy or his parents would react (I mean look how her own family reacted.), maybe she didn't want to "burden" him with the baby (and then later realized that she had no right to keep his son from him).

There could be any number of reasons the girl might have been afraid to come forward, and then finally something happened that forced her to recognize that this wasn't going to just go away.

Everyone is harping on how the boy is only 15, the fact is the girl is only 17 she's still a baby herself as well. With all the stupidity issues that so often comes with youth. (Before those in that age bracket protest - I said, often not always.)

I think if the girl was trying to get out of a bad situation, it wouldn't have taken 5 months for OP to find out.

 

[fey_spirit]

Sorry, I misread your quote - but to those who are thinking it - my statement still stands.

I think if the girl was trying to get out of a bad situation, it wouldn't have taken 5 months for OP to find out.

 

[fey_spirit]

If your concern is for the boy, then you might want to take into consideration that he might very well love this girl... and want this baby, so yeah she does kind of matter.

The girl is 17, not 18 and you have to remember that 15 is a lot older today then it was even 15 years ago. The boy understood what he was doing, and wanted to do it... was it the wisest choice on her part? Maybe not - but that doesn't make it criminal, it doesn't mean that her child should be raised by his grandparents, with his mommy behind bars for having sex with daddy, and it most definitly does not mean that she should be faced with carrying the title of sexual predator for the rest of her life.

Doesn't matter...
It doesn't matter if it were purposeful entrapment or coercion or whatever.

The OP's son is a 15 year old child...
A 15 year old child who will soon have a baby by an 18 year old adult.

That is why the laws are what they are.

My only concern would be my son...
not the girl,
not the fact that I love beautiful babies.

 

[fey_spirit]

Go mom, way to keep things in perspective...
Regardless of what some of the posters on this group think, this is the way to handel a situation like this...
I thought we were past the days of encouraging the boy to cut and run and leave momma holding the bag, and villafying the girl for getting pregnant.
Thank you for proving me right - at least in your case.

omg.....her living with us would be the absolute last resort. i'm just saying that i could see it eventually happening. eventually. maybe...

and i don't agree that "this baby is her baby". it is THEIR baby. and they are both way too young to do this alone. i feel i have as much of a responsibility to her and the baby as my son does. he can only offer so much at his age. if they were older i think i could separate myself more. but not now, no way. hopefully what the adults have to offer will make up for what they are lacking themselves.
i will be there for her even more because her mom probably won't be.

 

[fey_spirit]

Wow, it amazes me that nobody (including myself) thought to ask these questions before (page what 4?) now. Thank you for asking all the right questions to better put this situation into perspective.

Not that it matters at all but I'm curious about this. How did the school resource officer get involved? Why would he be calling to tell you ? Is that how the state attorney got involved? I just ask because I'm sure there are lots and lots of pregnant girls in high schools that don't end up crossing paths with the school resource officer.

Also, did your son and the girl know before yesterday? I'm assuming that they did know but I'm curious as to maybe this was news to your son just yesterday. How long had they been dating and are they still dating? What grade are they in?

 

[wvjules]

Fey there is a "multi-quote" option so you don't have to reply a half-dozen times in a row.

 

[fey_spirit]

I respond to things as I read them, if this bothers you - skip my replies... then you won't be offended and I wont be nit picked... we both win.

Fey there is a "multi-quote" option so you don't have to reply a half-dozen times in a row.

 

[fey_spirit]

It's a crap shoot either way...
I'm all for the natural parents keeping the child, should that be what they decided to do.

I know it can be rough when mommy and daddy are so young, but I also know that the rosey picture everyone wants to paint of adoption isn't always so rosey. Sometimes you end up with parents who look nice and safe on the surface and turn out to be abusive, drunken jerks under the surface. I have heard many, many stories of children adopted into abusive homes, incluidng my wife.

That said, I do know that not all adoptive parents are nightmares and that many of them are wonderful people who give their chosen little ones all the love in the world - but there is no gurantee.

Just like some teen parents turn out to be nightmares, and some manage quite nicely and give baby a good stable home.

Because either scenerio could go either way, I think that it should remain up to the parents what they want to do - provided the OP is willing (as seemingly the only sane and rational adult in this situation) to guide them according to what she belives is best based on their pesonaities and maturity levels.

Either way - adoption isn't always the right answer either.

I have only read 2 pages in here. But, I wanted to suggest that instead of everyone gearing up for having a new baby that perhaps it makes more sense to encourage these children to put this baby up for adoption. Although certainly some folks with a 15 year old father do OK, I believe that the best future for this baby would be to be with grown up parents in a stable home who want to have a newborn.

Hugs to you, OP, I can imagine this must be a terribly emotional time for you. We'll be praying for your family and this little one.

 

[MarriedToAPrince]

I have to agree that you should get an attorney to help represent your son so that his parental rights are enforced. As the babies father he has the right to make decisions too. I agree that keeping them apart now is not going to serve any purpose.

 

[claudia]

was wondering.....any news OP?

 

[Liberty Belle]

Am I missing the update?

 

[ckay87]

If there was any big announcement, I missed it. But it seems that OP is the proud grandmomma of a baby girl who lives with her. The baby's mommy is living with them as well. What a neat Christmas it will be in that house.