Please weigh in on sensitive family situation

[hambirg]

Thank you for the replies so far. She lives close enough for a meeting in advance and I suggested that to her on the phone. She only moved out of her house about a month ago, they are not divorced or even in the process, yet. So , unfortunately, it is pretty obvious this started during the marraige.

I'm sorry. I would say no.

Maybe, after her divorce is final and it is going to be obvious that this other woman is going to be a part of her life. But right now. . .no.

 

[diz8297]

First and foremost, I would want to do what is best for my nephew. He is an innocent third party in all of this. Marriages fail for many reasons, the fault usually lies with both persons. However, the child is is just caught in the middle of this mess.

 

[Debbie7452]

First and foremost, I would want to do what is best for my nephew. He is an innocent third party in all of this. Marriages fail for many reasons, the fault usually lies with both persons. However, the child is is just caught in the middle of this mess.

Yes, I agree with this. But, I can't figure out what is best for him. I'm pretty sure he would be going with her if she leaves town for the holidays. And it seems like having our traditional family get together would be good for him, but she won't let that happen unless her new partner is included. I will try to get his opinion if I can...not sure how much he knows about everything?

Sorry, i have mispelled marriage over and over!

 

[LisaNJ25]

It appears that your sister was cheating on her husband and was probably less than honest about her sexuality for years. If this was another man, would you all be so quick to welcome HIM with open arms even before the divorce was final?

Make other plans for this year sis. Treat your soon-to-be ex-husband with decency and respect. After the divorce is final, I might be willing to entertain your new squeeze.

I agree

 

[disykat]

No, I would not be inviting the person my married sister is having an affair with over for the holidays.

After the divorce, or at least further along in the process, would be a different issue. Not only is it too soon, but for your sister to call and casually drop the bombshell that she is cheating and wants to bring that person to a family gathering is downright odd!

People are acting like because she's come out as being in a lesbian relationship she should be supported no matter what order she does things in. I disagree. Lesbians are perfectly capable of closing one chapter before they open another, just like any other decent human being.

I would tell my sister that I understand if she wants to spend the holidays with her new love, but under the circumstances maybe it would be better to introduce her to the family after her marriage situation is cleared up.

 

[luvmy3]

This is how I would handle it. Sister is a grown woman, it is not my place to admonish her for her behavior, what went on between her dh adn her during their marriage is between them, it is not between me, our parents, or any other siblings. She would always be welcome at my home with her new partner whether it be a man or a woman. However, in this case I would ask that before she bring her girlfriend that she formally introduces her to the other members of the family, I would not want that to happen at my house especially during the Holidays, in case there are members of the family who may have a problem with any aspect of the new (or not new) relationship. If after everyone met the girlfriend and sis was still comfortable bringing her I wouldn't have an issue, but its her responsibility to make sure everyone else is comfortable, not mine just because its my house.

ETA I don't consider what your sister is doing now as cheating. She does not live with her dh, the marriage is over whether or not she is holding a legal document stating it is. If she was still "married" and living with the dh that would be one thing, but she isn't cheating and its not my business whether she was before the marriage ended, its between her and her soon to be legal ex.

 

[Piglets Mommy]

Yes, I agree with this. But, I can't figure out what is best for him. I'm pretty sure he would be going with her if she leaves town for the holidays. And it seems like having our traditional family get together would be good for him, but she won't let that happen unless her new partner is included. I will try to get his opinion if I can...not sure how much he knows about everything?

Sorry, i have mispelled marriage over and over!

I think this is a good idea. If everyone always gets together at your house, then doing so again this year would bring some normalcy to the situation for your Nephew. I'd ask him how he feels and what he wants. I'd think he would be the most comfortable at your house than away with his mom and her new GF. But maybe he'd just rather spend Christmas with his Dad? My first thought was that my Sister would always be welcome, no matter what, but giving it a second thought, I'd try to ask my Nephew what he's comfortable with, and go that route.

 

[castleview]

Is she divorced yet? I'm not a fan of dating while you're still technically married…and it's risky as far as legal issues go. Otherwise, I'd wish my sister happiness and support her choices.

 

[MichelleVW]

I MYOB in other people's marriage. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors or people's minds. I choose not to live in the drama of other people's lives.

Now I might not agree with you and your actions but I am not going to make a "stand". WTH good does that do? All is does is create more drama, which I stay out of as my personal policy.

That's my stand on it too.

I totally agree with this! She's not even divorced yet? So technically she is openly having an affair and asking her family to accept it, not to mention the shocking fact that she has changed her orientation. I don't care who you are, that takes some time to get used to. She should respect her family enough to give them some time before bringing around the new squeeze and wait until her divorce is final.

JMO- I know many, many will disagree.

Yep, I disagree....in some states it takes a LONG time to get divorced. In North Carolina we had to be separated for a year before we could even START the process of a divorce. So I don't consider that cheating.

This is how I would handle it. Sister is a grown woman, it is not my place to admonish her for her behavior, what went on between her dh adn her during their marriage is between them, it is not between me, our parents, or any other siblings. She would always be welcome at my home with her new partner whether it be a man or a woman. However, in this case I would ask that before she bring her girlfriend that she formally introduces her to the other members of the family, I would not want that to happen at my house especially during the Holidays, in case there are members of the family who may have a problem with any aspect of the new (or not new) relationship. If after everyone met the girlfriend and sis was still comfortable bringing her I wouldn't have an issue, but its her responsibility to make sure everyone else is comfortable, not mine just because its my house.

ETA I don't consider what your sister is doing now as cheating. She does not live with her dh, the marriage is over whether or not she is holding a legal document stating it is. If she was still "married" and living with the dh that would be one thing, but she isn't cheating and its not my business whether she was before the marriage ended, its between her and her soon to be legal ex.

Totally agree with all of it. Especially the "it's not cheating" part.

 

[kwelch10377]

I don't think this should be just your decision. I would ask your mom, the rest of your family and your nephew if they are ok with it. If they are then I would tell you that she is more than welcome to bring her girlfriend, if not I would explain that not everyone is ok with the situation for whatever their reason and hopefully you can get together with her soon before or after the holidays.

 

[Aristomommy]

Yes, I agree with this. But, I can't figure out what is best for him. I'm pretty sure he would be going with her if she leaves town for the holidays. And it seems like having our traditional family get together would be good for him, but she won't let that happen unless her new partner is included. I will try to get his opinion if I can...not sure how much he knows about everything?

I would ask your sister what she has told your nephew. If he is dealing with the changes ok, then I would say that I'd like to meet her SO before the holidays. Seems like your sister is pretty set on spending the holidays with her even if it means skipping the family dinner. I would also ask why this is so. As a parent of a teenage son, she should be more concerned about preserving the traditions for her son and softening the blow of divorce than being this concerned over a holiday that is still almost 2 months away.

 

[VAfamily1998]

I'm pretty happy minding my own business until people who have behaved badly want me to choose sides and give them my public support. This is what the sister has asked.

I refuse to support and encourage people who cheat on their spouses. In that situation, my own integrity is at stake and I will always side with the innocent party (if there is one).

 

[antmaril]

No, I would not be inviting the person my married sister is having an affair with over for the holidays.

After the divorce, or at least further along in the process, would be a different issue. Not only is it too soon, but for your sister to call and casually drop the bombshell that she is cheating and wants to bring that person to a family gathering is downright odd!

People are acting like because she's come out as being in a lesbian relationship she should be supported no matter what order she does things in. I disagree. Lesbians are perfectly capable of closing one chapter before they open another, just like any other decent human being.

I would tell my sister that I understand if she wants to spend the holidays with her new love, but under the circumstances maybe it would be better to introduce her to the family after her marriage situation is cleared up.

I agree with this 100%.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Two things jump out at me.

1. Have initial divorce papers not even been filed???

2. She doesn't even ask you out to lunch to meet this new person? And, the first thing she does is put you on the spot to invite her to your house for a family holiday?

I see this as 50/50.
I see one as completely justified if they want to try to welcome in a mistress. And I would see one as completely justified if they did not.

For me, personally, if divorce papers are not even filed, and there is an innocent child in the middle, which makes this person basically a 'mistress'.

And, I want to mention that I don't think anyone else has commented on.... I have to say that it sounds like this has been proposed in a very, ummmm, questionable way. ( as in, you accept this point blank, right now, sight unseen, divorce papers not filed.... or I simply won't be there.... You won't see me or my child. )

So, personally, for me, at the VERY least, I don't think that I would be able to extend a commitment to this invitation until this has had some time to sink in, and I had a few more facts (re: divorce papers filed), and I had at least met this other person.

I don't think that is expecting too much.

 

[FayeW]

How about telling her:

"Well Sis, I love you and I want to support your choices, but your request has put me in a bit of a pickle. I think it would be best for Dear Nephew, if for this year, since it is the first Christmas with his parents not being together, that we stick to tradition and have our Christmas Eve celebration at our house as usual. This year will be hard enough for him as it is, without swapping your new partner in for his father so soon after the separation. I'm not sure if this is the best time to include your new partner in our family's events, but if I don't, you are going to take DN away, and he won't have the comfort of our family traditions. What do you think would be best for him this year?"

 

[bellebud]

How about telling her:

"Well Sis, I love you and I want to support your choices, but your request has put me in a bit of a pickle. I think it would be best for Dear Nephew, if for this year, since it is the first Christmas with his parents not being together, that we stick to tradition and have our Christmas Eve celebration at our house as usual. This year will be hard enough for him as it is, without swapping your new partner in for his father so soon after the separation. I'm not sure if this is the best time to include your new partner in our family's events, but if I don't, you are going to take DN away, and he won't have the comfort of our family traditions. What do you think would be best for him this year?"

Great post! To me, this would be the only important thing at this point - nephew's feelings and comfort, and I'd definitely talk to my sis about that. Have you had a chance to ask her how her son is taking this, and how much he knows, etc?

 

[jayeasy]

honestly that seems like a huge disappointment.....21 years
make sure you meet this new person and get to know them well enough to feel comfortable around them. if you are comfortable around this 'new person' the rest of the fam should most likely be as well. i hope you take this into account

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm pretty happy minding my own business until people who have behaved badly want me to choose sides and give them my public support. This is what the sister has asked.

I refuse to support and encourage people who cheat on their spouses. In that situation, my own integrity is at stake and I will always side with the innocent party (if there is one).

Nobody is innocent and I do not link my integrity with others. Again I MYOB. I choose to live that way on purpose.

Just because I choose to live that way does not mean I would be happy or agree with sister's actions. However since she is my sister, I would support her decisions.

Because afterall if you are TRULY invested in the nephew then you should be smart enough to know that going against your sister in a divorce situation will find yourself on the "outs" and unable to give support to the nephew.

And that is how I see it.

 

[TLuvsD]

I'd ask my nephew what he wants. Then I'd talk to my Dh, mom, etc about what nephew wants and do what I can to make it happen. If that means sister + SO, fine, if it means no sister, well I'd do that. I'd explain to my sister that she and SO are welcome at my home, but Nephew is caught in the midst of all this upheavel and he gets to decide what's best for HIM during the holidays this year.
Adults make the decisions, and the kids have to deal with the fall out I'd do what I can to minimize the fall out for DNephew, especially over the holidays.
Any idea why your sister is worried about this some months in advance? Any chance it was her way of telling you about the importance of the relationship. not so much a "my way or the highway" statement?

 

[jenrose66]

Divorce is sad. Living a life that's a lie is sadder. Accept your sister and welcome her new partner.