Please Help With a Sensitive Topic...Sort of OT

[mickeyfanforever]

I am not new to dis. I have been on many years and have received much help with all of my trip planning. Although I have talked with many of you, about Disney, I do not feel comfortable talking about personal subjects. I have seen old threads brought up and I would like to keep my identity secret. I have a problem that I am not sure if any other women face. I have a great fear of getting pregnant. I already have kids, that I love dearly, but I do not want any more.

(After my last one my doctor asked I wanted something permanent but I was not in a position to make a decision like that.)

My fear has gone so far as to avoid sleeping in the same bed with my husband at times. Obviously this did not sit well. Well my husband has decided to go get a vasectomy and has an appointment next week. This is very good since I am miserable with hormonal BC.

My problem is also that every month my husband and I are intimate I absolutely freak out about getting AF. This month is no exception my husband and I were together a couple of times somewhere in the vacinity of ovulation. Now he wore protection and I used backup foam. We used it as close to 100% perfect that you can imagine but I am still worried that somehow it failed.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

[ireland_nicole]

After our last child in which I actually had the c-section while in a coma, we were told that to have another child would be fatal for me. However, we were living in Ireland at the time, and they wouldn't do a TL either. So we used 3 forms of BC on the rare occasions where we were intimate. The fear of becoming pregnant was so severe that literally we were only close maybe 2-3 x /year. I admit, it has gotten a lot better since my DH's vasectomy, but even though I know I can't get pregnant, we still use back up BC. It has taken a while for our intimacy to get back to "normal" but it is improving. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

 

[disneymomof2boyz]

I really don't know what to say...I know that fears can make us irrational. I think that you've got to let this go. You and DH have come to an agreement regarding the future of you both having children. And this is great as most couples have the most difficulty with this. And he is willing to get the vasectomy. This is just my opinion, but I am a big believer in what is meant to be will be. Meaning in this situation, if you are doing everything to prevent conceiving, and it happens, then maybe you should just accept that that baby was meant to be. So, do what you need to do to prevent getting pregnant, but don't become neurotic about it. Especially if this is causing tension btwn you and DH.

This is my 2 cents...

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Have you considered getting an IUD?? They are supposed to be effective for 5 years at a time and you wouldn't need to take BC pills.

I have a history of blood clots so I couldn't take any type of pills as it was a dangerous combination. When I talked to my OB she said my only option was rhythm method or IUD. After our 2nd (and my last) I was faced with the decision of what to do with BC.

I knew we weren't going to have anymore kids as I had 3 pregnancies, only of which 2 resulted in live births (we miscarried #2). It was safer for everyone if we stopped having kids. DH would have nothing to do with a vasectomy so I had to decide to have a tubal or use IUD. Since I had a c-section, I chose to do the tubal. It sucks we had to go that route but it was the best decision for my health and family. It's so final...

If we hadn't have gone that route, I'd be in the same boat as OP. The constant worry isn't worth it, but there are alternatives to achieve the results that you are looking for. Best wishes for your family.

 

[Hannathy]

Take a deep breath, you aren't alone. I'm glad your DH is going in soon it is terrible to worry constantly esp about something that can be dealt with. I would just be very careful and just snuggle until the procedure-because even if you are intimate it isn't going to be nice because you will be so stressed. Just remember that stress and worry can mess up your timing and AF so try to relax because you don't need you timing off! I would also avoid the time around ovulation for awhile also for your peace of mind.

One last piece of advise talk with your DH don't just avoid him, let him know how absolute your fear is so he doesn't think it is "him" you are avoiding.

Good luck and hope this week goes by quickly!

 

[surfergirl602]

I've had iud's between all three of my children and love them. Worked wonderfully and we didn't have to worry about anything. You are not alone - there are plenty of women who feel the same way as you do, and there are plenty who are just the opposite. Obsessing over AF TO be pregnant!

 

[jetprincess]

I'm so sorry you are going through this... Have you considered some counseling? The only reason I mention this is because it might help you sort out some of your fears and concerns. It might help DH understand what is going on in your head too. You might even find out that you have other things concerning you too. Know that you are not alone.

 

[LWatson]

Oh you arent alone. I am very much done having kids. I was supposed to get that "taken care of" back on the 22nd, but I ended up w/ emergency gallbladder surgery that day so no TL or Essure done that day. My husband is due back this fall, and I am REALLY Freaking out about possibly having a post deployment baby. My oldest was conceived when I was supposed not be able to get pregnant because of female problems, I conceived while on birth control and lost that baby, and conceived again on birth control and along came my youngest. I DONT want another one (I mean if I ended up pregnant I would deff keep the baby and be okay, but I dont want to try and want to really make sure I dont end up that way). I dont think my body will take another surgery b4 he gets back on my abdomen. So I'm right there alongside of you freaking out. I am trying to convince my hubby to do what yours is doing, but no luck so far. I will probably get the Essure done since its another form of permanent birth control, but it takes 3months to be completely done, and I dont think we have that much time till he comes home (arent for sure though). I freaked out the month after he left, the cycle after R&R, and a lot of other times b4 those. I get so worried I get sick. Its not that I dont love my kids (oh trust me I would do anything for them and would go to the ends of the earth to take care of them if I had to), but I am done....completely and totally DONE. I've been this way now since I was half way done w/ my last pregnancy (he is now almost 20m old), so its been a long time.

 

[Sandi S]

Have you looked into Mirena? It's a highly effective IUD and the bonus is very light AF. I've used it twice now and love it. There are a lot of good reasons why I should not get pregnant again and I don't worry with this place.

 

[mickeyfanforever]

Thank you everyone. I was hoping I wasn't alone. I feel very much like LWatson. As far as my DH he knows it's not him. He doesn't want more kids either but he doesn't worry like I do. I am not sure if I would need the IUD if DH is getting the V done but I will look into it. I know that we won't be safe with the V until he goes back to the dr and I will make sure he does. Well I am supposed to get AF today but nothing yet. I did take a PG test (am I the only one that takes them most months?) and it was neg. With my other kids, the line was really bold 4 days before I was supposed to start. Hopefully AF will come along soon.

 

[Hannathy]

Remember nerves and stress can really mess up your hormones and that can lead to you being irregular so try not to panic if it is a bit late. Also remember you're a human not a machine so we don't always run on a precise clock down to the minute or day!

 

[mickeysmyboy]

If your still worried after DH gets the V definitely look into getting the mirena. I've had it now for 2 years and its great! I'll admit to having the occasional worry that #4 is on the way which I know is completely silly and irrational! But I dont get AF anymore at all! So, if I start to feel off I think "OMG, what if..."

I hope all works out well for you and your DH and you worries are resolved!

 

[rt2dz]

I wanted four desperately. But, I couldn’t get pregnant for a couple of years of trying and then it turned out DS#3 has autism and is a lot of work. I decided 3 was just the right number. Well, BC failed and I’m pregnant with #4. I have come to the conclusion that this is just what’s meant to be, even if I still haven’t gotten happy with it yet. I know I will when baby gets here. Right now, I’m just suffering with the pregnancy and scared how I’m going to handle it all.

FYI: My grandmother didn’t want my mother either. They slept in separate beds too; BC wasn’t even available to women back then. But my grandmother said many times that my mother was her biggest blessing; God sent her for a reason. My mother was the one who took care of her late in life—financially, emotionally and physically. My aunt just wasn’t close and my uncles, well, they’re men.

ANYHOW, DH is getting a vasectomy so we don’t have another accident. And, just in case, I’m considering a TL. The interesting thing I found out is that it is no longer major surgery. They now do TL as an out-patient, in-office procedure. It’s a different type of TL. If your position on doing something permanent has changed, you might want to check into it. It will give you two forms of protection.

You are far from the only woman, no matter how much she loves her children, that really, really doesn’t want another one, for whatever reason.

 

[honugirl]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm at the same cross-roads except that I'm not married yet. I'm so fearful of being pregnant ever that I begged for a TL and was refused. I currently have the mirena. At this point, if I'm not allowed something more permanent, I believe I'll be alone forever. It would devastate me to have a child. I'm not sure what the answer is, but know you're not alone. There's a lot of us out there with those fears.

 

[jetprincess]

Remember nerves and stress can really mess up your hormones and that can lead to you being irregular so try not to panic if it is a bit late. Also remember you're a human not a machine so we don't always run on a precise clock down to the minute or day!

Ditto. Don't panic.

 

[DisneyNic]

I understand where you are coming from. Although I did not worry as much as you do, I was really nervous after having #2 that I would get pregnant again. #1 was a surprise that was very early into our marriage and we had not planned on her at all. It took a long time for us to decide to have #2. We more than once picked a month that we would begin trying only to have that month arrive and change our minds. We finally decided that we had to do it because neither one of us wanted DD to be an only child. Now, don't get me wrong, I would not trade either of my kids for anything in the world. They are my life, and my heart and I would give anything for them. But I am DONE. I have my girl, I have my boy, and that is honestly all I can handle. It did get to where it was causing a strain on my relationship with DH. He finally agreed to have a vasectomy even though I have an IUD. He had his vasectomy done July 08 and I still have my IUD in. I don't worry for one second EVER that I am pregnant or might become pregnant even though I don't have AF anymore at all. I know we are protected and that has helped a lot in DH and I's relationship. Intimacy is hard enough when dealing with normal life (kids, house, work, bills, etc) find whatever you need to to make yourself comfortable and give yourself some relief from worrying so much.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

to you and I agree with what another poster said about recieving counciling as well. It may help ease some of your fears.
Im pregnant with #3 and after only giving birth in May of 2008, this one came as a huge suprise after our bc failed. While I love him more then words could describe, it was not the right time for us and I did have a hard time accepting that I was pregnant. Best of luck to you and your husband. Now is the time to rely on each other for support.

 

[jettyspagetti]

I stress too! I tried for years to conceive my two and know that I am far from being a fertile myrtle and even with my IUD I worry sometimes I have had a Mirena since my daughter was born in 2005 and I love it. No more AF, no more worry
Family members always laugh at how soon I answer the question: "when are you having another one" with "NEVER!" I love my two but they are all I need
If I get lonely for more, I'll foster or adopt,lol.

 

[mickeyfanforever]

Again thank you. I am trying really hard not to stress. We did evrything we could to be careful so if I end up pg then it really was meant to be. My dr told be that pg symptoms can be similar to PMS symptoms but if you have enough hormones to feel the changes of pg then you have enough to register on a HPT (this is what he told me when I thought I waspg with my last) . So we will wait and see.

 

[buckirj1]

It's wonderful that your husband is going to have a vasectomy, but I think you'd feel better if you took control of your own fertility. Why don't you look into sterilization options once things settle down a bit, and you're able to look at things a little less emotionally. Good luck to you.