Please help me tell my DD.....daddy left...Update 1 year later!(1st post)

[krcit]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

Wow.This is about the most ridiculous post I have ever read. Did you actually go into her profile and look up her age? Maybe time for a hobby.

 

[Stevania]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

Your profile says you are 69 years old. I'm sorry your marriage didn't work and your wife ran off with a younger man. You can't base your own relationship failings on every other couple in a May/December relationship.

I know this sounds harsh, but this is no more of a leap than the "advice" you posted.

 

[PatsGirl]

It's a delicate balance to be sure...your comments need to be age appropriate and will change as time (and her age) goes by. I divorced when my son was an infant and 8 years later when DD was born her Dad moved in for a few brief months and it didn't work out, so I think I had it easier than most in that neither child had the history of a Dad living in the house (or were too young to remember it).

But, both kids have spent much time with their Dads since their birth and the questions still keep coming...DS is nearly 20 so I think he has finally figured it out but DD is just 12 so things are still a little confusing for her.

Both kids have been through periods where I haven't allowed visitation and those times require even more diligent soul-searching for the right explanations. I have always assured both kids that their Dad(s) love them very much and are doing THEIR best to be good fathers. (Their best is certainly not what I consider great but...)

A simple explanation for DS when he was 8 was that "your father has a drinking problem which is a disease that he cannot control right now so you can visit him at Grandmas because he really wants to see you". When DD was about 4 and asked about why her father and I weren't married I told her "we argued all the time and even though we really, really tried not to, we still did and the house was a very unhappy place to live so..."

Good luck and the best advice I can give is not to badmouth your ex not matter what. Kids will figure it out on all their own

 

[RadioNate]

OP -

you simplest explanation is best. She doesn't need to know details about your relationship. She needs the truth.

Daddy went away, you don't know when he'll be back, he loves her, he will contact her when he can, you won't leave her, and together you will get through this. If she asks, it is ok to let her know you are scared and hurt too.

I can remember the day my dad left and while he has always been part of my life this is something that will stick with her. You can't change that. But it isn't your fault and in time she will understand.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I think there has been a lot of good advice given. My only concern is regarding the question "when will he be back?" I think OP needs to find a way to make it clear to her DD that he will be back to visit, not coming back to live. I'd hate to see her DD holding out hope that once Daddy figures out what's troubling him, he'll be back to live with them and life will go on as it once was. JMHO.

 

[Serena]

Cheshire Figment, that was totally out of line, in too many ways. Different viewpoint? Yeah, I guess so. I'm curious to what made you jump to all kinds of wrong conclusions and then beat the OP up with them.


OP, your instincts are right. Make it simple, kind and honest. She will be sad and sometimes mad, make sure she knows that's ok too.

 

[edandcolleen1995]

There are two sides to all stories though..

Regarding the DD, just have to say the dad won't be around as much and both of you love her. But at the end of the day, get a counseler.

 

[shortbun]

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are facing this. Tell her the truth but keep it simple. Daddy will not be spending the night in this house anymore but he's going to spend time with you just like always and he loves you very much. Answer her questions with simplicity. Don't elaborate and don't get into the adult stuff. When she grows up, she will make her own decisions about all of it. Try to stay dignified and give her a good role model for dealing with stress and disappointment. When my mother passed, I can not begin to tell you how many people told me that she was 'always a lady' and 'a class act.'
My sister and I learned from my mother that woman must appear to be ladies in public. Private is quite another story and it's ok for your daughter to see your private sadness but don't overwhelm her with it. She will need your strength in dealing with her own. Allow it, encourage her to talk and always assure her. I would take the 'never talk badly about her father' tac but it will be hard to do.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

I have noticed eleven people so far have decided in some degree or another I am a bad person, primarily in attacking me and not just disagreeing with what I said.

The first thing I did say I was looking at this from a different viewpoint. Maybe I was trying to be logical and not emotional. And I will admit I probably should not have said what I said as initially the OP was asking what to tell their daughter.

I did specifically state that if this was his first marriage the OP had definite cause to be upset.

I did not state that if it was his 2nd (or subsequent) marriage that the OP caused the breakup an earlier marriage, but that she should not have been surprised.

And for the information of the one person I have reported as a Major Personal Attack against me, you will be happy and pleased to know that my wife of over 16 years died of complications due to ovarian cancer! Check out this thread.

And normally the only people who tend to retire in their early 40s tend to be either military, Air Traffic Controllers, Police or Firemen. And one does not say they are going back to their business if they return to work; that is where I got the implication that the husband was 20-25 years older than the OP.

Now, if anyone wants to, you can attack my ideas and say I am wrong and why you think I am wrong.

 

[RadioNate]

I think there has been a lot of good advice given. My only concern is regarding the question "when will he be back?" I think OP needs to find a way to make it clear to her DD that he will be back to visit, not coming back to live. I'd hate to see her DD holding out hope that once Daddy figures out what's troubling him, he'll be back to live with them and life will go on as it once was. JMHO.

I agree. I was unclear on this in my post. The DD needs to know that her dad isn't just on vacation or away working. He has chosen not to live there any more. I think she is old enough to understand that with out the OP totally bad mouthing the dad. It is the truth, he decided to leave. Presented simply and factually won't hurt. "While he loves you, dad has decided not to live her anymore" as opposed to "that sorry sob decided to dump our family for some hochie"

 

[edandcolleen1995]

I have noticed eleven people so far have decided in some degree or another I am a bad person, primarily in attacking me and not just disagreeing with what I said.

The first thing I did say I was looking at this from a different viewpoint. Maybe I was trying to be logical and not emotional. And I will admit I probably should not have said what I said as initially the OP was asking what to tell their daughter.

I did specifically state that if this was his first marriage the OP had definite cause to be upset.

I did not state that if it was his 2nd (or subsequent) marriage that the OP caused the breakup an earlier marriage, but that she should not have been surprised.

And for the information of the one person I have reported as a Major Personal Attack against me, you will be happy and pleased to know that my wife of over 16 years died of complications due to ovarian cancer! Check out this thread.

And normally the only people who tend to retire in their early 40s tend to be either military, Air Traffic Controllers, Police or Firemen. And one does not say they are going back to their business if they return to work; that is where I got the implication that the husband was 20-25 years older than the OP.

Now, if anyone wants to, you can attack my ideas and say I am wrong and why you think I am wrong.

Ok...

At the end of the day when your husband leaves and you need to talk to your child, your first idea should NOT be posting here..

Honestly.. This is a great little message board. That is all. Nobody here is the ringer that will answer up a major life changing problem like you are facing..

You need to seek professional help.. Sorry but God forbid my wife left me, the last thing I am doing is going to some Disney message board seeking insight into dealing with the issues..

Go to your pastor, a support group, heck a web site that is set up to help in situations like this.. Don't come back here and defend yourself and waste time/energy here.. You are here counting how many folks (11 at your last count) don't see eye to eye with you.. All while your relationship is falling apart..

We are not the answer here....

 

[Buckalew11]

I just wanted to chime in with a non-bleak view of the "daddy left us" scenario. My dad left when I was 2. He had nothing to do with me until I was 5 and he re-married. Because he was living in housing provided by the forces if he had two children instead of just one (new wife's son) they would be able to have a bigger house. So from ages 5 - 12 I go got go over there every other weekend. (Except when Daddy forgot, or something came up, or they didn't want me...)

My mother was a saint. She never said a word against him and held me when I had been waiting outside for hours and he didn't show up.

I learned on my own that my father was a waste of skin. I'm not traumatized or messed up because he left. My grandfather took over that role in my life. As an adult I can appreciate how much strength it took my mother to be so neutral about him.

OP, your little girl will be fine. She will learn on her own that her father is a waste and she will need you there when she does. But she will not be scarred for life over this. You obviously love her very, very much and having a parent who loves you unconditionally will make up for just about everything.

I agree. Kids learn on their own exactly who their parents really are. My SIL never, ever badmouthed her ex to her son. But by HS, he knew.

Ok...

At the end of the day when your husband leaves and you need to talk to your child, your first idea should NOT be posting here..

Honestly.. This is a great little message board. That is all. Nobody here is the ringer that will answer up a major life changing problem like you are facing..

You need to seek professional help.. Sorry but God forbid my wife left me, the last thing I am doing is going to some Disney message board seeking insight into dealing with the issues..

Go to your pastor, a support group, heck a web site that is set up to help in situations like this.. Don't come back here and defend yourself and waste time/energy here.. You are here counting how many folks (11 at your last count) don't see eye to eye with you.. All while your relationship is falling apart..

We are not the answer here....

WTHeck? This sounds directed to the OP while the quote is of a pp on this thread.

OP, I am sorry you and your DD are going through this. I think keep it simple and be sure and stress to her that you will never leave her. She will probably fear that. And she may drive herself nuts wondering when he is coming home. Take her to a counselor. Even if she seems ok in the coming months, by the time she is a teenager with raging hormones you'll be glad you took her and let her have an outlet.
Again, I'm sorry. (((hugs))) to you both.

 

[Stevania]

I would like to say that I did not know CF's wife died. I would not have used that ananlogy with his wife to make my point, if I knew otherwise. I'm sorry to hear that his wife died. I'm sure he isn't a bad person and I'm not either, things just get lost in translation on a message board.

FWIW, I have never reported anybody for a personal attack and I think it is pretty ****ty of him to do it to me.

 

[WebmasterAlex]

I've got a great idea, all the points have been made that need to be made regarding some of the replies on this thread. How about we get back to the topic. Buried in the ridiculous there are some good suggestions, obviously from experience on how to deal with this....

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP: no advice here, just sending to you and your daughter.

Cheshire Figment: I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife . I have seen your many posts and never knew......

 

[bumbershoot]

OP I'm so sorry.

A counselor for my DD did tell me not to make excuse for him when he did stupid stuff. He would cancel his visits if he thought I had plans, and she would get mad at me because I would concoct some story to protect her feelings. I just started telling her ask your Dad, and if you're angry tell him. When he called she would tell him, "I love you but right now I'm mad at you and I don't want to talk to you" and hang up. After being put in his place a few times by a 4 yr old, he got it.

your post just made me burst into tears...it took me until I was over 30, engaged, having lost my mom at the age of 30 (I was 30, she was only 55), to finally get the guts up enough to stand up to my father. And now he treats me the best of all of his relations, because he KNOWS that if he pulls the junk again with me, I'm gone, and I have the only grandbaby so far...

Seriously, why couldn't my mom have helped me do that??? Oh I know the reasons, they were many and they were all good at the time...but man oh man...your girl got at 4 (same age I was when my parents divorced) what took me almost 3 more decades to get. Good for you and her.

Because actions are gold. Words are not. And really all little girls need to know this as they are growing up - it's action not words. Because we all know that there are talkers with tongues of gold and then there are the beautiful men of action.

So so true.

Ok...

At the end of the day when your husband leaves and you need to talk to your child, your first idea should NOT be posting here..

Honestly.. This is a great little message board. That is all. Nobody here is the ringer that will answer up a major life changing problem like you are facing..

You need to seek professional help.. Sorry but God forbid my wife left me, the last thing I am doing is going to some Disney message board seeking insight into dealing with the issues..

Go to your pastor, a support group, heck a web site that is set up to help in situations like this.. Don't come back here and defend yourself and waste time/energy here.. You are here counting how many folks (11 at your last count) don't see eye to eye with you.. All while your relationship is falling apart..

We are not the answer here....

Too bad you don't seem to be reading the good stuff here. Plenty of people here have been through it in one way or another, plenty of excellent ideas.

 

[merryweather20]

I've got a great idea, all the points have been made that need to be made regarding some of the replies on this thread. How about we get back to the topic. Buried in the ridiculous there are some good suggestions, obviously from experience on how to deal with this....

It would seem not, there is still a disgusting, baseless attack on the OP on the front page

 

[shortbun]

I LOVE the idea that a 4 yo could say, "I love you but I'm mad at you right now and I don't want to talk to you!" How GREAT is that!!??

 

[NMAmy]

OP--I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through the same thing when dd was 8.

Here's how I handled it--I told dd that her dad and I were having problems and nothing about this was her fault. Daddy still loved her. I still loved her. And that I would NOT be going anywhere. (Turns out that was her biggest fear. She told me later that she was so freaked out that Dad had left that she was no longer sure of anything anymore and who knew what I might do?)

Then I jerked a knot in my ex's tail for taking dd to see his new girlfriend and her 3 dd's--all right around dd's age. Way to reassure a kid that you're not replacing her, idiot. I finally got through to him by asking him if he wanted dd to look at him the way he regarded his own dad (who was absent during a big chunk of his childhood.) He made a concerted effort after that to do the right thing.

Again, I'm really sorry you're going through this. And this probably just won't be one conversation but a series of reassurances for your dd.

 

[darlak]

OP, I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are facing this. I know how hard is can be to take the high road in this situation, but just keep remembering that she's worth it.

Just take it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other and you're going to come out in a better place for both of you. It sounds like your instincts are spot on and I'm sure you'll find the right words when you need them.

Some posts here made assumptions based on facts that don't seem to be in evidence. Don't let those get to you...this is the Dis, it happens. You've got some good advice here. Sometimes you just have to wade through the crap to find the gems. It's the nature of a message board.