Please help me tell my DD.....daddy left...Update 1 year later!(1st post)

[alldiz]

Hi,
My marriage has been dying for a while and yesterday it was official. My lame husband decided to hit the road instead of waiting to tell our daughter 1st. I have no idea if and when he is coming home. My husband is retired and i told her that he is "working" on a special job they called him back for. He is "mr mom".....she is gonna be devastated....

I can't tell her her dad is a cheatin piece of garbage....Please give me some guidance....
Kerri

Hi,
Can't believe it is 1 year later.....Wow....
Life is good now.....DH moved out early October...He lives about 10 min away.
Funny when he left it was just this HUGE release for me and my only purpose was making it OK for my DD.

I still see him all the time.....he is retired so he comes and does his daddy thing and goes home when i get home. There is no chance for reconciliation but we are trying to be friends for the sake of DD.

I just want to say to anyone who is going through this....that....TIME REALLY DOES WONDERS!!!!
I would never have thought a year ago that my DD would have adjusted so well......
My rules.....
1. Never talk bad about her dad....she will find out herself that he is selfish.....like when he came over to visit for Valentines day and didn't bring her anything....I knew he wouldn't....and I didn't remind him. Broke my heart but I won't protect her from his stupidness. She will accept him for who he is......or not. He does love her and is a good dad....

2. Never use the child.....they are innocent and they have to know that while daddy and I are not together....We are still co-parenting....and we will not talk bad about the other parent.

3. Therapy.....we went to counseling.....I called it anger management.....I needed to bring him down to earth if we were to continue this close style of co-parenting.

4. If things need to be re-evaluated.....do it....I am lucky in the fact that my ex loves our DD and wants everything to be best for us.

So far so good......
To anyone with a broken heart now trying to nurse your childs.....It is OK for them to see you CRY....crying together is healing.
Thanks everyone
Kerri

 

[Rafiki31]

How old is she?

 

[tomthebarncat]

that daddy left because he doesn't love us anymore. My mom did in 1967 and I spent the next 30 years feeling the guilt and wondering what I did wrong to cause my dad to stop loving me. You know he is a POS, explain to your child that relationships don't always work out but that daddy still loves us, and then hope for the best!! if your child is older, than they already know what kind of man their father is and will continue to be. Believe it or not, the ball is in your court on how to handle this. Take the high road and don't slag your ex in front of your kids. Good luck!!

 

[Desiree]

I'm so sorry. That's awful!

 

[sunnyday123]

I agree with Tom. My neighbor told her kids that, at any opportunity available, and they are a complete mess now.

I told my daugher her Father was going to live with his Mom and Dad for a little bit because we needed a time-out ( she was 4 ) from each other, but that we both loved her more than anything, and we would always be her Mom and Dad. And repeated it over, and over. I actually still tell her we both love her.

You have to explain it in terms she can understand for her age, and with as little as detail as possible. Mommy and Daddy had a disagreement, he needs a time out to cool off, he still loves you, sometimes people make different decisions when they are angry, etc.

A counselor for my DD did tell me not to make excuse for him when he did stupid stuff. He would cancel his visits if he thought I had plans, and she would get mad at me because I would concoct some story to protect her feelings. I just started telling her ask your Dad, and if you're angry tell him. When he called she would tell him, "I love you but right now I'm mad at you and I don't want to talk to you" and hang up. After being put in his place a few times by a 4 yr old, he got it.

Good luck, and as hard as it is, just don't ever talk bad about him to her. And if she does, just say she should tell him how she feels. Counseling may be a good option for her.

 

[alldiz]

How old is she?

Shes 7

that daddy left because he doesn't love us anymore. My mom did in 1967 and I spent the next 30 years feeling the guilt and wondering what I did wrong to cause my dad to stop loving me. You know he is a POS, explain to your child that relationships don't always work out but that daddy still loves us, and then hope for the best!! if your child is older, than they already know what kind of man their father is and will continue to be. Believe it or not, the ball is in your court on how to handle this. Take the high road and don't slag your ex in front of your kids. Good luck!!

I will continue to tell her that daddy loves her very much and he will always be her daddy. then i get stuck....do i tell him daddy is having a lot of problems and he needs to go away....do i tell her he love you very much....but mom and dad don't love each other and he left. I just can't believe he is leaving this to me. He told me he can't explain to her what he can't explain to himself.....great that helps me.

I'm so sorry. That's awful!

thanks
Kerri

 

[alldiz]

I will definately tell her repeatedly that dad loves her more than anybody in the whole world. (except maybe his girlfriend and her kids)Aargh.....of course i wont say that.....i digress.

Do i just say daddy went away for a while and i don't know when he is coming back.....all i know is that he loves you and will always be your daddy?
Kerri

I agree with Tom. My neighbor told her kids that, at any opportunity available, and they are a complete mess now.

I told my daugher her Father was going to live with his Mom and Dad for a little bit because we needed a time-out ( she was 4 ) from each other, but that we both loved her more than anything, and we would always be her Mom and Dad. And repeated it over, and over. I actually still tell her we both love her.

You have to explain it in terms she can understand for her age, and with as little as detail as possible. Mommy and Daddy had a disagreement, he needs a time out to cool off, he still loves you, sometimes people make different decisions when they are angry, etc.

A counselor for my DD did tell me not to make excuse for him when he did stupid stuff. He would cancel his visits if he thought I had plans, and she would get mad at me because I would concoct some story to protect her feelings. I just started telling her ask your Dad, and if you're angry tell him. When he called she would tell him, "I love you but right now I'm mad at you and I don't want to talk to you" and hang up. After being put in his place a few times by a 4 yr old, he got it.

Good luck, and as hard as it is, just don't ever talk bad about him to her. And if she does, just say she should tell him how she feels. Counseling may be a good option for her.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I'm sorry.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

 

[HERSEY]

You don't need to tell her of the problems within the marriage. Just keep it simple. Sometime relationship don't work out and it is nobody's fault. Don't make excuses they are smarter than you think.

Remember it is natural for the child to think they did something wrong watch for this and reassure her it is not because of her.

I have been down this road. My son was 2 1/2 when his dad and I split. He is 14 now and is turning in to a really good confident kid.

 

[tomthebarncat]

I will definately tell her repeatedly that dad loves her more than anybody in the whole world. (except maybe his girlfriend and her kids)Aargh.....of course i wont say that.....i digress.

Do i just say daddy went away for a while and i don't know when he is coming back.....all i know is that he loves you and will always be your daddy?
Kerri

Time to start planning your life without him. If he ran off to be with another woman, the kindest thing you can do is let her have him. He is a POS and will continue to be one regardless of what woman he is with. Tigers do not change their colors or whatever that old english saying is. Answer your childs questions calmly and patiently but do not mess with her head because you need to be vindictive!! let it go and move on and enjoy your child, they do grow up so fast!

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Time to start planning your life without him. If he ran off to be with another woman, the kindest thing you can do is let her have him. He is a POS and will continue to be one regardless of what woman he is with. Tigers do not change their colors or whatever that old english saying is. Answer your childs questions calmly and patiently but do not mess with her head because you need to be vindictive!! let it go and move on and enjoy your child, they do grow up so fast!

Leopards don't change their spots...but close enough.

 

[alldiz]

You don't need to tell her of the problems within the marriage. Just keep it simple. Sometime relationship don't work out and it is nobody's fault. Don't make excuses they are smarter than you think.

Remember it is natural for the child to think they did something wrong watch for this and reassure her it is not because of her.

I have been down this road. My son was 2 1/2 when his dad and I split. He is 14 now and is turning in to a really good confident kid.

i think she knows there were problems...and i'll tell her we tried real hard to work them out because we both love her so much. We both still love you right now but daddy had to go away and sort his head out.....i don't know what else to say

Time to start planning your life without him. If he ran off to be with another woman, the kindest thing you can do is let her have him. He is a POS and will continue to be one regardless of what woman he is with. Tigers do not change their colors or whatever that old english saying is. Answer your childs questions calmly and patiently but do not mess with her head because you need to be vindictive!! let it go and move on and enjoy your child, they do grow up so fast!

Believe me.....this is my work in life right now....to not say a bad word about her father....he dosen't deserve anything....but my DD deserves everything.....and i will do everything in my power to let her know daddy loves her.....i really hope that he does the right thing by her.....but he is following his obsession right now.....no matter who it hurts.
Kerri
edit....any ideas i'll take i'm off to work now.....i hope i don't cry all day on my patients.

 

[LoraJ]

I don't have any advice, just want to offer a hug.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.

I can't tell her her dad is a cheatin piece of garbage....Please give me some guidance....

Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

 

[ndelaware]

My dad left when I was 5.

Just be honest with her about your relationship in terms she can understand.

 

[Maleficent13]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.

Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

Holy wild leap, Batman!

 

[sunnyday123]

i think she knows there were problems...and i'll tell her we tried real hard to work them out because we both love her so much. We both still love you right now but daddy had to go away and sort his head out.....i don't know what else to say


Believe me.....this is my work in life right now....to not say a bad word about her father....he dosen't deserve anything....but my DD deserves everything.....and i will do everything in my power to let her know daddy loves her.....i really hope that he does the right thing by her.....but he is following his obsession right now.....no matter who it hurts.
Kerri
edit....any ideas i'll take i'm off to work now.....i hope i don't cry all day on my patients.

I would definitely get her in counseling. They will tell things to a total stranger that wouldn't believe. Mostly because they are afraid to hurt your feelings. It sounds like you've got a line on what you're going to tell her. She's probably already guessed something is up, and trust me they form their own opinions pretty quick. Just keep telling her a) it's not her fault, has nothing to do with her, and b) he does still love her.

It's hard. Good luck, and we're here for you.

 

[Magic Mom]

I'm sorry but I am looking at this from a different viewpoint.

Your profile says that you are 38 and your first post says he is retired. I would guess there is a 20-25 year difference in your ages. If this was his first marriage then you definitely have cause to be upset.



Since your daughter is seven, that would have made you about 30 when you married him. If you are not his first marriage could you possibly have had something to do with the breakup of his prior marriage?

I know this sound harsh, but if he did split on a previous wife to take a younger bride why are you surprised that he has done it again?

Maybe they were married for a while before they had children. Not everyone gets pregnant right after the wedding. Or maybe he is 40 and retired from the military. You are making a lot of assumptions in your post. The OP didn't mention anything about his age or previous marraiges, but you jumped right in to tell her she had it coming IF he was married before.

 

[kellyg403]

OP..many hugs to you and your dd.

My ex couldn't talk about divorce to the kids...so he left it up to me to get them through. My one dd was 6 and I can only tell you that when she asked I explained that sometimes parents need a break from each other but that doesn't mean we don't love her. And I made sure not to talk about it everyday to the kids..only when it came up after the first couple days. After that I made every day a new one for us. My ex hated food in the living room..we had picnics on movie night on a blanket in the living room every friday...basically we started a new life for ourselves that was about us. Keep the explanations on her level as much as possible without a lot of detail of the adult part. She is little still, she will need you to help her with change. This change can be a 'good' thing. When the kids worried about going to their dad's for Christmas I made a big deal about getting presents twice. Every thing I did and all explanations to them were kept positive.

Good luck..I know how hard it is to stay positive and upbeat during this time. Take care of you too and don't blame yourself if you make three steps back and one step forward or say something you don't mean too...it will be hard and sometimes its not so easy to be the 'good guy' or the one taking the higher road. Just chalk itup to being human and not making that mistake again.

Kelly