Please help me. I am desperate for advice -Updated 11-26 Post# 53

[PollyannaMom]

...We are waiting to go to the therapist before we make any real decisions on that. I think he really believes the therapist is going to tell me it is okay for him to go....

.....Don't spare my feelings....I'm a tough one I want to hear whatever you have to say.

I'm with the ones who think he is depressed rather than cheating. And just deleting the history because he is ashamed of the sites.

Now here's the tough part (and why I quoted your first post) - I don't think the therapist will OK the trip, because she may think he is planning something desperate, and wants to be far away so you or the kids aren't the ones to find him.

I feel SO bad saying something so scary, but I would feel worse if it were true and I didn't encourage you to bring the question up with the therapist.

I hope he gets help and things work out for you all.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Can I offer a different perspective here?

Maybe he is depressed. BUT- maybe the phantom illnesses are guilt/panic attacks because he is cheating? Maybe he feels bad but wants to be with the girl at the same time? Maybe that is why he was in bed crying. Maybe she gave him an ultimatum. It's not like he is going to tell you that. Maybe he is racked with guilt or can't make a decision. The computer thing sounds fishy to me. I don't buy the whole looking at "bad" websites thing. It's possible but it doesn't seem probable when you factor in his current and past behavior. I also don't think it matters whether or not he works with the woman anymore. He could still be in touch. The trip to me sounds very suspicious. I would not believe for a second that he wasn't meeting someone there. He seems hellbent on going at any cost. Almost resentful.

Of course that is how my mind works. Perhaps he really is just depressed and none of that is true. I hope for your sake that is the case. Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Can I offer a different perspective here?

Maybe he is depressed. BUT- maybe the phantom illnesses are guilt/panic attacks because he is cheating? Maybe he feels bad but wants to be with the girl at the same time? Maybe that is why he was in bed crying. Maybe she gave him an ultimatum. It's not like he is going to tell you that. Maybe he is racked with guilt or can't make a decision. The computer thing sounds fishy to me. I don't buy the whole looking at "bad" websites thing. It's possible but it doesn't seem probable when you factor in his current and past behavior. I also don't think it matters whether or not he works with the woman anymore. He could still be in touch. The trip to me sounds very suspicious. I would not believe for a second that he wasn't meeting someone there. He seems hellbent on going at any cost. Almost resentful.

Of course that is how my mind works. Perhaps he really is just depressed and none of that is true. I hope for your sake that is the case. Good luck.

My mind is working the same way, so you are not alone.

Of course I just got my 7th grader on track for depression and wow the level of physical phantom illness associated with it is astounding. I would have never believed it.

OP I hope that you are able to move forward with your dh, whether it is seperate or together. Leave the past in the past and work on what is today.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I am in agreeement with this post.

I will just tell you my gut reaction after reading your post. I formulated this thought within about 2 minutes before I started to really analyze it:

He is having an affair, it is a continuing affair with the woman before. He is probably in love with her or he thinks he is but he is trying to stay in his marriage with his family. Staying in a marriage and being in love with someone else will definitely cause the despondancy you have described.

I do believe as lisaviolet posted that he had some issue recently that caused the drastic behavior.

Again, I could be WAY off base. I just wanted to tell you what my feelings were based on your post.

First SO sorry to hear this!
Those are my thoughts as well, sorry!
PLEASE go with your gut, it does not lie!
Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you and your children!

 

[teacups]

Question: Why would a husband go to the trouble of deleting all history, then easily admit that it was porn? OP none of us knows your husband. You do. What is your GUT telling you? Do YOU think he's depressed, or do YOU think he's cheating? (I dont expect an answer, just want you to think about it.)

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

....sorry, but s*x is NOT the answer to the OP's problem....

I concur--given the different hypothesis about the DH--physical relations is not the answer. I would guess the DH is not too interested in that at this point.

Be it depression or an addiction.

 

[tink20]

I have a very close friend who is now going through divorce, they have two young children, were married 10 years (and dated 4 years before marriage)

For the past 4 years, she (and I guess he) were trying to make it work. He was cheating (physically), and he fell in love with the other woman. When he broke it off with her, he was very upset,(he was crying over it) he said it was over, and maybe it was for awhile, but he is back with the other woman now. I would have never expected this behavior from him, (4 years ago). What happened? I don't know, my friend is a loving, attractive, intelligent and very sweet person. I mean she gave him all this time to get is act together and he didn't. She still loves him but she has too much respect for herself to keep putting up with this.

My advice is, keep trying, and take one day at a time. I don't know anything about deppression, I think you and he should really get him some help, if you really believe this is all about depression, and not about cheating. Really get to the root of his depression (if possible). I am sure you are still in love with him, so give him some more time. Divorce is so very hard on children, my DD's father and I are divorced, and sometimes it is just so hard on her. I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you and your family!

 

[Colleen27]

I even started giving thought to maybe he is so depressed that he is constantly looking for the "quick fix" to feeling better. Like when he works out, that high only last for so long...also, when he looks forward to the band coming over. Once that is over the "high" is too. Then he moves on to the internet and that high ends too. Now the trip...when that is over...what's the next quick fix? Even his emotiona affair is sort of a quick fix. with every phone call, text and email....more highs.

Some depressed people self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, food etc. I think in a way his selfish behavior is his "self-medication." Does that make any sense to anyone?....sigh

That absolutely makes sense. Exercise, a fun hobby, an affair, the thing men do when they're viewing those unmentionable websites (don't want to get in trouble here for language or trip any filters)... Those can all be escapes just as surely as drugs or drinking can.

Everything you've posted makes me think of someone dealing with serious depression. I've BTDT myself, and it all looks so familiar... My DH has the patience of a saint to have toughed it out while I was developing more positive ways to cope.

The trip really raises a red flag for me. Not because of the possibility that he's being unfaithful but rather because it combined with the depression symptoms it seems like he could be contemplating suicide and planning how to do it with the least trauma to the kids. Going out of town, alone, could be a way to assure they wouldn't find him, wouldn't be directly exposed to what he did without you or other trusted adults as a filter.

Only you know what you can handle and how much you're willing to put up with while your DH battles whatever demons he's dealing with. If he's willing to go back to counseling, that would be the best place to start, if for no other reason than to get a more complete picture of what is going on with him before you make any major decisions.

 

[IsZisIt]

Many thanks to you all for all your advice. It is helping me organize my thoughts for when we meet with the therapist/MC tomorrow.

I am a little nervous to say some of my concerns to her in front of my DH. I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel worse than he may already feel. I tried to get an appointment today for just me, but she was booked. We were lucky to get the Tues. appointment.

Thanks again.

 

[NotUrsula]

Write out the things that you don't want to bring up and send a fax before the appointment. Call the receptionist and let her know that the fax is there and that it is very important that the therapist read it before the appointment. That way she will know about and be able to probe re: those issues, but there won't be an accusation scenario.

I fax notes to doctors all the time before appointments -- it lets them look things up in advance if need be, and it's faster to let them read the list rather than listen to me recite it during the appointment.

 

[Wishing on a star]

A lot of really good thoughts and advice here already.

I just wanted to say that, I don't think that the issues mentioned have to be mutually exclusive. It is not necessarily either 'cheating' or 'depression / psychological issues'.

Cheating can be a manifestation of psychological issues.

The two can go hand in hand.

to the OP

 

[Colleen27]

Write out the things that you don't want to bring up and send a fax before the appointment. Call the receptionist and let her know that the fax is there and that it is very important that the therapist read it before the appointment. That way she will know about and be able to probe re: those issues, but there won't be an accusation scenario.

I fax notes to doctors all the time before appointments -- it lets them look things up in advance if need be, and it's faster to let them read the list rather than listen to me recite it during the appointment.

That's really good advice. I do something similar to touch base with DS's therapist before appointments, so that she knows what areas he's likely concerned with at the moment and where to start in getting him to open up without him feeling like these are things Mom is being pushy about (a lot of his stress relates to his biological father's living situation, long time girlfriend, and their son, so he feels like he's betraying his dad if he comes to me with problems that are happening over there).

Sometimes certain questions/subjects go over better when brought up by someone outside the situation.

 

[IsZisIt]

Hi,

I have taken a break from posting to deal with my situation.

He came back from his trip and announced he has taken himself off his meds due to side effects he think is due to the meds. He also told me he plans on leaving the marriage after the holidays. He thinks staying through the holidays will spare the children. He also said he was not interested in going to counseling anymore too.
All of this happened last Sat.

Anyway, I went to our counselor and explained why I was there alone and what was going on with my DH. Anyway, the counselor said his side effects I described were not from the meds, but sounded like a medical condition that he should visit his Dr. for ASAP. She also said that he should leave now and not after the holidays. She also thinks his "computer activity" is causing more depression and other problems for him also. I came home from the session and told him what she said and he made an appointment with his dr. the very next day (yesterday) The dr. did find something wrong with his prostate and has put him on a very high dose of antibiotics and are running some tests. He also told DH to go back on his meds as this was not causing the symptoms he was experiencing. His doctor also said he thinks he DOES need it.

He is now willing to go back on his meds and he "says" he wants to go back to counseling with me. I am cautiously optimistic that he will actually do what the counselor has been suggesting he do to get better and to fix our marriage.

So as it stands now, (Thanksgiving Day) My kids and I are going to my mom's and he is staying home alone. He could go to his family's house but, he doesn't want to go because he is embarrassed to face his family. He also plans on moving out while we are away for 2 days and move in with his mother.

I am very sad about this, but feel that he really needs to see and feel what he stands to lose if he doesn't pull himself together. I also know that I can't subject myself and the girls to anymore of his unhealthy, selfish behavior. We deserve better.

 

[okeydokey]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Thank you OP for the update. It really is for the best that he move out ASAP to work on himself and his issues. It will also bring peace to your home for you and your children. I will continue to pray for your family.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day today.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sorry to hear the update. I hope your dh can get his head together for your children's sake.

I do have to say taking his meds needs to be a priority in order to be able to live in the same home with him.

Take some time out and enjoy the holidays for yourself and your kids.

 

[sunlver]

No advice..just here to say I am sorry

 

[lisaviolet]

I'm so sorry OP. So sorry. I wish people knew how damaging back and forth behaviour is for others. to your entire family.

 

[FireDancer]

I don't know if your husband is cheating or not and would make a determination of something that important from a message board post but if anyone I knew hacked my email or installed a key logger on my computer I would have a real problem with them. If you think he is cheating confront him but those two things are violations of trust that would immediately end any relationship I had with anyone, period.

 

[chell]

Hope you and your daughters have a wonderful, stress-free Thanksgiving.