Please help me. I am desperate for advice -Updated 11-26 Post# 53

[IsZisIt]

Have you been able to see someone professionally alone to discuss you and your side? Depression is an awful thing and you need tools to learn how to live with it as well.

Anyway, I give you a lot of these:

No one likes to feel like a roommate in a marriage and you should NOT feel this way.

Yes, I have seen the therapist alone too. She has explained to me how the depressed mind works. At the time, I "get it." but, then things will happen that make me question whether it is depression or is he just a selfish *******.

For example, he knows we can't afford an extra $600 before the holidays. When I told him this, he suggested we cut down on buying presents for our friends and family. I explained we already did that and he thinks of other things that "we" can do without. Things that are not important to him.

Which makes me question...Why is he so hell bent on going on this training trip.

I even started giving thought to maybe he is so depressed that he is constantly looking for the "quick fix" to feeling better. Like when he works out, that high only last for so long...also, when he looks forward to the band coming over. Once that is over the "high" is too. Then he moves on to the internet and that high ends too. Now the trip...when that is over...what's the next quick fix? Even his emotiona affair is sort of a quick fix. with every phone call, text and email....more highs.

Some depressed people self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, food etc. I think in a way his selfish behavior is his "self-medication." Does that make any sense to anyone?....sigh

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Is he on medication for depression? I know that my DH was prescribed Lexapro for anxiety and depression and it worked great for about a year or so and then things went Crazy, he just was not the same person as he used to be and he just did not care about anyone or himself. Then we started seeing the commercials on TV about Lexapro and some of the other ones like it and decided to talk to our Dr. about it and it was decided that he should no longer take it.
I can tell you that he has gotten back to normal finally and some of the things he has told me about when he was taking it makes me want to cry, I swear some of the stuff they put people on makes things worse instead of better. He ended being more depressed than ever after taking the Lexapro.

So if he is taking something it might not be the right thing and the consequences of that can be deadly if not dealt with, I dont mean to scare you but i am just telling the truth.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Absolutely makes sense, my DH did the exact same things. I have been with him for over 12 years and he has never ever been like before.
He wanted to spend money that he knew that we did not have and he got into wanting to out drinking and partying and that was just not him. It was like I was married to someone that i did not even know.

Yes, I have seen the therapist alone too. She has explained to me how the depressed mind works. At the time, I "get it." but, then things will happen that make me question whether it is depression or is he just a selfish *******.

For example, he knows we can't afford an extra $600 before the holidays. When I told him this, he suggested we cut down on buying presents for our friends and family. I explained we already did that and he thinks of other things that "we" can do without. Things that are not important to him.

Which makes me question...Why is he so hell bent on going on this training trip.

I even started giving thinking that maybe he is so depressed that he is constantly looking for the "quick fix" to feeling better. Like when he works out, that high only last for so long...also, when he looks forward to the band coming over. Once that is over the "high" is too. Then he moves on to the internet and that high ends too. Now the trip...when that is over...what's the next quick fix?

Some depressed people self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, food etc. I think in away his selfish behavior is his "self-medication." Does that make any sense to anyone?....sigh

 

[IsZisIt]

That is truly an awful position.

Honestly if my dh went away to a conference that he doesn't need to go to, 1100 miles away & spending money you don't have, I would have to say that a seperation is in order.

Now with his mental depression that certainly is scary however as a mother to children you have also got to protect yourself as well, esp. if has resumed his affair or is going to competely fall apart.

Right now from your description I would say he has resumed the affair since he is displaying the same behaviors. Obviously that could be totally wrong but it is not looking good.

I would began to prepare myself for divorce privately just in case. I am so sorry.

I have told him those exact words. We are waiting to go to the therapist before we make any real decisions on that. I think he really believes the therapist is going to tell me it is okay for him to go. I also want to talk with her about how to do this with the least amount of trauma to my children.....ugh!!! It is all so hard and sad.

 

[IsZisIt]

I tried to respond to some of the PMs I have received, but I guess because I don't have enough posts yet.

In any case, I just want to say thanks to you all for the advice and support. It is helping me more than you know

 

[Aisling]

Forgive me if you already addressed this, but are you still in love with him?

 

[Stevania]

4) Have lots of physical relations. I think that we are wired to bond with people that we get physical with. Several times a week is a minimum.

Absolutely! If you love your spouse, this should be a big priority.

 

[jamimb]

OP I am so sorry for your situation and I'm sending hugs your way!
I do not think anyone on here can tell you if your DH is cheating or not and I certainly will not make that assumption just by what you have told us here. Please do not get more suspicious than necessary just because some strangers on a message board think he is cheating. He very well may be but please don't jump to conclusions based on what you read here.

It sounds like this is not a simple case of infidelity here. It is not normal for someone to lay in bed all day and cry for no reason. My heart does go out to you but also goes out to him as well. I know from experience depression can make you do or say some very strange things.

I think he needs some help! I am no expert so I cannot even begin to tell you where to start but I can tell you if it was my DH I would be by his side until he told me he didn't want me. I went through a time of severe anxiety and depression once and had it not been for my DH I may have not survived, seriously!! I know it was extremely hard for him but he stuck by me. He made sure I knew I wasn't alone in it and it made all the difference. I can tell you also from others I have known who have cheated that tell me it happened at a time when they were depressed and just needed more or something. I am not justifying cheating I'm just saying I have known depression and infidelity to go hand in hand.

Talk to him. I mean really talk to him. Not in a judgemental way but let him know you are there for him.

I cannot tell you what to do and neither can anyone here but please if you think this has to do with mental illness or depression don't give up on him without a fight.

 

[novajeanjellybean]

First of all to you

when I read your post my thoughts are not that he is having an affair. I agree with the PP with the questions about his meds. My mom has manic depression and his actions are very similar to hers when she is off of her meds. Also it may take lots of tweaking with depression meds before they get the dosage/combination right. He may need his meds checked.

 

[Disney Doll]

First I would say take a look at your finances etc. and get all your ducks in a row so if you end up separated/divorced, you are financially prepared and aware for your children's sake. I know you want to just crawl into a hole but you have children and it doesn't sound like Dad is too stable, so someone is going to have to think of them and protect their interest, and that someone has to be you.

To be honest, when I was reading the second part of your story, I immediately thought depression. I think you need to get him to a medical doctor, he may need inpatient treatment, he most certainly needs medication adjustment. I do not think it would be safe for him to travel alone. I am not going to tell you that I don't think he's having an affair, because he very well may be, but I don't think that is the biggest issue right now...the biggest issue is his mental state, and fixing it. Once that part is stabilized, then you can look at the other things...did he have an affair again? Do you feel like going through this every couple of years? Is it fair for your kids to live with uncertainty all the time?

You have a long road ahead of you....

 

[IsZisIt]

Forgive me if you already addressed this, but are you still in love with him?

Yes, That is what makes it so hard. If I wasn't, this would be easy. More importantly, my kids adore their father and I want my DH to get well for their sake more than mine. I am adult and can handle this. As sad as I am, I know I can take care of myself and my children. My kids however, are too young for this and will worry about it.

 

[BelleWDW]

Many were made while he was working.

I also hacked into his work email and found that he was emailing the same women (someone he works with) a lot too..

Really? You hacked into a business's email?
Sorry this one sentance makes me think this might be a troll

 

[jiminyC_fan]

I honestly don't have an opinion but I sure want to send you some hugs.

 

[IsZisIt]

First I would say take a look at your finances etc. and get all your ducks in a row so if you end up separated/divorced, you are financially prepared and aware for your children's sake. I know you want to just crawl into a hole but you have children and it doesn't sound like Dad is too stable, so someone is going to have to think of them and protect their interest, and that someone has to be you.

To be honest, when I was reading the second part of your story, I immediately thought depression. I think you need to get him to a medical doctor, he may need inpatient treatment, he most certainly needs medication adjustment. I do not think it would be safe for him to travel alone. I am not going to tell you that I don't think he's having an affair, because he very well may be, but I don't think that is the biggest issue right now...the biggest issue is his mental state, and fixing it. Once that part is stabilized, then you can look at the other things...did he have an affair again? Do you feel like going through this every couple of years? Is it fair for your kids to live with uncertainty all the time?

You have a long road ahead of you....

I know what you are saying. I am fortunate to have a very good job, family friends and supportive unit if ever I need it. So, know I will be able to take care of my kids. That is the easy part and the least of my concerns. I just want to spare my children any unnecessary stress and worry. My kids are such happy well adjusted individuals and I don't want ANYTHING to change it. But, it is hard to know how to do this. I am hoping our therapist will guide me with that.

Thanks for your advice. It is very helpful.

 

[IsZisIt]

Really? You hacked into a business's email?
Sorry this one sentance makes me think this might be a troll

I am not a troll.
All I can say to you is never underestimate a mother trying to protect her family. If you can understand that, you would know that I am no troll.

 

[kimmar067]

...troll??? THIS sounds more like a 'troll' answer....

4) Have lots of physical relations. I think that we are wired to bond with people that we get physical with. Several times a week is a minimum.

....sorry, but s*x is NOT the answer to the OP's problem....

 

[Judy from Boise]

first, your DH does not need a therapist, but a psychiatrist that can adjust his medication.

My second point is not meant to be unkind, but in my experience every story has two sides. In a year of counseling weren't there any issues for you to work on? There are many bad habits wives can fall into for example letting the kids be their life, or getting frumpy, or acting more like a mother than a partner.......these should never be used to justify infidelity, but usually areas we can always improve in.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

It's sad that you distrust him enough to snoop and even sadder that he has earned that distrust. I really don't have a clue what you should do.

My standard marital advice is:

1) Respect your spouse. Show them respect when they are with you and when they are away.

2) Trust and be trustworthy.

3) Avoid major sources of stress. The two big ones that I see are money (people not saving enough or spending significant amounts without it being a group decision) and time (people having so many non-family activities that they don't have enough time for each other.

4) Have lots of physical relations. I think that we are wired to bond with people that we get physical with. Several times a week is a minimum.

Not sure how any of this advice is supposed to help the OP, since her husband hasn't followed any of these suggestions. He cheated, emotionally or otherwise; he obviously cannot be trusted; he's willing to spend "family" money and time without the family; and he has lost all interest in the OP (at least that's how I read it). Exactly how is this supposed to help?

 

[NotUrsula]

4) Have lots of physical relations. I think that we are wired to bond with people that we get physical with. Several times a week is a minimum.

Just a hunch, but I'm guessing you don't have much experience with clinical major depression, do you? The libido is the first thing to go in most cases. When major depression strikes, most patients are not only uninterested, but even kind of actively annoyed by the idea. (Also, for men taking antidepressants, intercourse may be impossible without further chemical assistance.)

Any doctor treating someone for major depression knows that some degree of celibacy is pretty much a given, and it is accepted as something that will not come back until the brain chemistry is back on track, if it ever is. It is not unusual for a married person with major depression to be celibate for years at a time.

 

[Poohlovr]

I totally agree with others that your husband needs more help than a marriage counselor can provide. It sound like he needs to have his medications adjusted and he needs someone to help just him as he tries to fight his way out of this black hole. He needs to see a psychiatrist for help.

Viewing internet porn, emotional distance, lack of sex drive, crying, and even the desire to take this trip are all signs of a deep clinical depression.

Only you can decide whether to stay in this marriage or not, but, I will ask you--if he were suffering from a severe physical illness that caused him to be distant, anxious and unable to perform sexually, would you stay or go?