I am a long time poster if the boards but have changed my name for the purpose of this post. I am asking my friends on the Dis to help me because I don't feel comfortable sharing this with "real" people in my life.
Okay, here goes it...
I need advice on what to do about my marriage. I know the decision is mine in the end, but I just NEED some advice and other points of view to help me digest my situation.
I have been married 8 years and have been with my DH for 12 years. Like any marriage we were dealt some tough blows. But, we always seemed to pull through. However, last year things really became stressed when I felt my DH wasn't interested in me anymore. I started feeling very lonely and sad. I suggested marriage counseling to DH, but he wasn't interested. So I started to look for answers and began checking his cell phone and made a horrifying discovery. He went from an average of 10 text messages to 175 in one month. I also noticed that he was making a lot of loooooong phone calls to the same number.
I did not say anything at first, instead I started to track when these calls were made. They were all done soon after leaving our home for work, errands etc. Many were made while he was working. I also hacked into his work email and found that he was emailing the same women (someone he works with) a lot too. While nothing was that outrages, it was still kind of flirty. if you know what I mean. When I had enough evidence I confronted him. I also learned that while I was school on the weekends he was taking my kids to meet up with her and her kid to have "fun." These plans were never made clear to me until after the fact.
Of course when confronted, DH swore she was just a "friend" and that I had nothing to worry about. I told him that I was completely uncomfortable with the entire friendship and it needed to end NOW!!!! He did not like this and started telling me I was being unreasonable and making a big deal out of nothing. After fighting for about 2 weeks on this matter I told him that we need to go to marriage counseling or our marriage was over. He eventually agreed and it was explained very early to him by our MC that he indeed was having an emotional affair We continued to go to the MC for a year. During this time he swore to me that he did nothing "physical" with this women and that he would never do anything like this again. The MC also diagnosed him with depression which she thinks was triggered when our first born was diagnosed with cancer (fully recovered and healthy now) and was prescribed medication to help with this. She also made suggestions about making time for "date night," "talk time," etc. She also told him that he should get involved in activities that he enjoyed as these a natural ways to help depression. He now goes to the gym 5 days a week, bikes 3 days a week and he put together a band that now practices in my basement once a week. While in counseling my husband shared how much he loves me, how much his family means to him, that I was not the cause of his depression and that I was the best wife a guy could ever want.
After a year of counseling and meds that seemed to be working things seemed to be great again. That was two months ago and now I find myself wondering if there is any hope left in my marriage.
Over the last couple of months I have watched him become distant again and COMPLETELY uninterested in me again. He also has be exhibiting weird behavior like he has phantom illnesses he gets all worried about and then it passes. Also, last Sunday after returning from visiting my mother for the weekend I found him crying in bed. When I asked him what was wrong he said he didn't know why he was crying. He said he had been crying all day and didn't know why. I gently suggested that he should call his counselor and he said he was fine and that he thinks it is because he has been working a lot of overtime and that he was just tired. Hmmm
So I begin to do some more snooping a discovered he erased all the history on the computer for the whole weekend. I said nothing and checked everyday for a week and he has been doing this every day. I know he is on the computer as he is posting on Facebook and yet there is no history of it. hmmm.
So I confront him, He confesses that he is viewing things on the internet that is clearly unacceptable. (if you know what I mean)
Also int the beginning of this week he tells me he wants to drive 1100 miles alone to attend some training for work. It is not required training at this time, but his work will pay for the class, but none of the additional expenses that total about $600. I don't think he is going away with a woman as he will staying at he cousins house the whole time and I cannot see them being participants in that kind of activity. DH says he needs this "downtime" to feel good about himself.
I tell him that it is a bad idea because we can't afford it and I am actually worried about his mental state given the past couple of months and that I think he should wait until the training come closer to where we live and that he should work on getting better before driving that far alone. (which in itself is a bad idea) Well, he didn't like hearing any of that and has planned to and spend the money regardless of my concerns and wishes.
So, please tell me....am I like the biggest fool for staying one minute longer with someone who clearly doesn't care about me? I struggle back and forth with the fact that he is depressed and I want to make sure he gets better. I have two young kids that need a "healthy" father. But, it so hard for me to go on day after day feeling so unloved and unappreciated.
In his defense, he has agreed to go back to MC and my DH works hard and does have a very kind and caring side. Dh doesn't drink, take drugs, or abuse me physically. He ignores me!!! It is like I am a roommate instead of a wife. I am so sad!
So Dis friends (if you're still with me...Thanks for reading) what should I do.
Don't spare my feelings....I'm a tough one
I want to hear whatever you have to say.
Okay, here goes it...
I need advice on what to do about my marriage. I know the decision is mine in the end, but I just NEED some advice and other points of view to help me digest my situation.
I have been married 8 years and have been with my DH for 12 years. Like any marriage we were dealt some tough blows. But, we always seemed to pull through. However, last year things really became stressed when I felt my DH wasn't interested in me anymore. I started feeling very lonely and sad. I suggested marriage counseling to DH, but he wasn't interested. So I started to look for answers and began checking his cell phone and made a horrifying discovery. He went from an average of 10 text messages to 175 in one month. I also noticed that he was making a lot of loooooong phone calls to the same number.
I did not say anything at first, instead I started to track when these calls were made. They were all done soon after leaving our home for work, errands etc. Many were made while he was working. I also hacked into his work email and found that he was emailing the same women (someone he works with) a lot too. While nothing was that outrages, it was still kind of flirty. if you know what I mean. When I had enough evidence I confronted him. I also learned that while I was school on the weekends he was taking my kids to meet up with her and her kid to have "fun." These plans were never made clear to me until after the fact.Of course when confronted, DH swore she was just a "friend" and that I had nothing to worry about. I told him that I was completely uncomfortable with the entire friendship and it needed to end NOW!!!! He did not like this and started telling me I was being unreasonable and making a big deal out of nothing. After fighting for about 2 weeks on this matter I told him that we need to go to marriage counseling or our marriage was over. He eventually agreed and it was explained very early to him by our MC that he indeed was having an emotional affair
We continued to go to the MC for a year. During this time he swore to me that he did nothing "physical" with this women and that he would never do anything like this again. The MC also diagnosed him with depression which she thinks was triggered when our first born was diagnosed with cancer (fully recovered and healthy now) and was prescribed medication to help with this. She also made suggestions about making time for "date night," "talk time," etc. She also told him that he should get involved in activities that he enjoyed as these a natural ways to help depression. He now goes to the gym 5 days a week, bikes 3 days a week and he put together a band that now practices in my basement once a week. While in counseling my husband shared how much he loves me, how much his family means to him, that I was not the cause of his depression and that I was the best wife a guy could ever want. After a year of counseling and meds that seemed to be working things seemed to be great again. That was two months ago and now I find myself wondering if there is any hope left in my marriage.
Over the last couple of months I have watched him become distant again and COMPLETELY uninterested in me again. He also has be exhibiting weird behavior like he has phantom illnesses he gets all worried about and then it passes. Also, last Sunday after returning from visiting my mother for the weekend I found him crying in bed. When I asked him what was wrong he said he didn't know why he was crying. He said he had been crying all day and didn't know why. I gently suggested that he should call his counselor and he said he was fine and that he thinks it is because he has been working a lot of overtime and that he was just tired. Hmmm
So I begin to do some more snooping a discovered he erased all the history on the computer for the whole weekend. I said nothing and checked everyday for a week and he has been doing this every day. I know he is on the computer as he is posting on Facebook and yet there is no history of it. hmmm.
So I confront him, He confesses that he is viewing things on the internet that is clearly unacceptable. (if you know what I mean)
Also int the beginning of this week he tells me he wants to drive 1100 miles alone to attend some training for work. It is not required training at this time, but his work will pay for the class, but none of the additional expenses that total about $600. I don't think he is going away with a woman as he will staying at he cousins house the whole time and I cannot see them being participants in that kind of activity. DH says he needs this "downtime" to feel good about himself.
I tell him that it is a bad idea because we can't afford it and I am actually worried about his mental state given the past couple of months and that I think he should wait until the training come closer to where we live and that he should work on getting better before driving that far alone. (which in itself is a bad idea) Well, he didn't like hearing any of that and has planned to and spend the money regardless of my concerns and wishes.
So, please tell me....am I like the biggest fool for staying one minute longer with someone who clearly doesn't care about me? I struggle back and forth with the fact that he is depressed and I want to make sure he gets better. I have two young kids that need a "healthy" father. But, it so hard for me to go on day after day feeling so unloved and unappreciated.
In his defense, he has agreed to go back to MC and my DH works hard and does have a very kind and caring side. Dh doesn't drink, take drugs, or abuse me physically. He ignores me!!! It is like I am a roommate instead of a wife. I am so sad!
So Dis friends (if you're still with me...Thanks for reading) what should I do.
Don't spare my feelings....I'm a tough one
I want to hear whatever you have to say.
You need a big hug. 
You asked if you were being a fool for staying. I don't think so. If he really is depressed, your leaving wouldn't be good for either of you (I'm no professional, just my opinion). Getting to the root of the problem would be a start - whatever it takes to do that should be the first step, I suppose.
