Please, don't say anything before you say things like that. Blech- vent inside.

[LindsayDunn228]

For those of you who don't know, I am a paraplegic and have been since age 6. I am totally independent and do very well for myself. Ok, onto my mini-vent.

I was at the grocery store yesterday with my husband. I was in the produce section getting some vegetables. I had the shopping cart right in front of me, parallel to the vegetables. Make sense?

Well I got what I needed and moved myself and the cart forward a few feet to get something else. Well this woman in a grocery store ECV comes by. I stopped to make sure she had enough room to get by me. So she stops right besides me and says, "Heh heh, it sure must be hard to manage yourself and the buggy, too." I said, "No not really." Her husband/SO says, "Ha ha, you should put a motor on that thing."



If I have heard "You should put a motor on that thing" once, I have heard it a ZILLION times. I know people mean absolutely no harm in these comments, really I do. But they get old very very quick.

On the DisABILITIES board, a CM made the comment that he/she (don't remember) would say to people in ECV's, upon entering a park, "don't speed in there!!" Really, why oh why, would someone feel the need to say that to someone??

I use a wheelchair for mobility. If I am in a regular chair, I am stranded. If I'm sitting on the couch, I am stranded. If I am not in my chair, I cannot go anywhere. This is not a vehicle for convenience, it is the way I walk. Why do people feel the need to comment on that?

"Slow that thing down!"
"Woo don't run over me with that thing!"
"So do you do much racing with that?"
"Can you pop a wheelie?" *note: I don't mind this one coming from kids*

I ask you, please, if you feel the need to address me, a stranger no less, in this manner, please don't speak to me at all. I am no one special, just Lindsay. Don't feel you have to say something just because I am in a wheelchair. It's simply not necessary ok?? If you are uncomfortable with my presence, well then, I can't help you. If you need to make comments like this to make yourself feel better, then just keep them to yourself and work on your issues later ok?

Oh and another thing. There is no need to walk on eggshells in your conversations with me. Don't stutter and sputter and turn red when you ask me if I want to take a walk. I can go for walks, I'm just not walking. Or when you ask, "Do mind running to the store for me?" This is not a faux pas. I would be glad to run to a store for you. Get my meaning?

Like I said, I use my wheelchair for mobility. I am careful and respectful in my walking. I do not intentionally cut people off, run over people's toes, tailgate you close and hit the back of your ankles, etc.

So, the moral of my vent, please think before you speak.

 

[Marseeya]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that all the time. For the life of me I can't think of the word I'm looking for, but it sounds as if they're treating you like a child when they say things like that.

 

[Kitty 34]

My first DH had the motorized one.....he was a quadraplegic.

Sorry you have to hear things like that. It's got to be very frustrating.

 

[SueM in MN]

I use a wheelchair for mobility. If I am in a regular chair, I am stranded. If I'm sitting on the couch, I am stranded. If I am not in my chair, I cannot go anywhere. This is not a vehicle for convenience, it is the way I walk. Why do people feel the need to comment on that?................
Oh and another thing. There is no need to walk on eggshells in your conversations with me. Don't stutter and sputter and turn red when you ask me if I want to take a walk. I can go for walks, I'm just not walking. Or when you ask, "Do mind running to the store for me?" This is not a faux pas. I would be glad to run to a store for you. Get my meaning?

My DD has used a wheelchair since she was 30 months old. Without it, she is as immobile as a mermaid out of the water (one reason I think she really likes Ariel).
Anyway, we sometimes hear the same type of things as you.
Some of the jokes are annoying sometimes; the person saying them usually thinks they are cute, but some people think they are cute, some people think they are annoying (but tolerable) and some people just hate them. So, it's best (IMHO) if people don't try to make jokes.

And, we get some pretty strange looks sometimes when I have said things to her, like "Go sit at the table" or "quit running away from me" when we are in stores and she is speeding away in her power wheelchair. (She has developmental disabilities also and even though she understands everything said to her, she doesn't always use good judgement and sometimes needs very direct reminders).
I have always talked the same to her as to her sister, who is not disabled. So what if my youngest DD doesn't literally walk, walking to her means driving her wheelchair since that is all she has ever known and it is the only way she can get around.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Thankfully, I don't receive comments like this every day. It seems to happen in spurts.

Oh when I was in college, I had a favorite one. It was the one where people lean on their knees, look me straight in the eye, and ask me if I go to a special school.

I laughed at them and said, "Well I am a whatever-year-I-was-at-the-time psychology major at Lee University with a 3.5 GPA. I never really thought of the school as special though."

Talk about turning red and sputtering

 

[froglady]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that all the time. For the life of me I can't think of the word I'm looking for, but it sounds as if they're treating you like a child when they say things like that.

That is so true! I injured my knee skiing, so had a follow-up appointment with an Orthopod as soon as I got home. My neighbor (male) was kind enough to drive me to the office, and used a wheelchair to get me upstairs. (I was having difficulty walking more than a few steps using a cane. I couldn't use crutches because DS was only 10 months old, so I had to carry him.)

When we got to the desk, the receptionist completely ignored me and started asking my friend questions. He backed away and said "Whoa! I'm only her ignorant chauffeur!" I think he got his point across.

I'm appalled at the number of people who seem to feel that having a physical deficiency automatically makes you mentally deficient, or just because you can't walk around you're less of an adult. Although I wasn't happy about being disabled for a short time, and it was painful, I'm glad I had the experience. It was an eyeopener as to the difficulties many people face on a permanent basis.

 

[Shutterbug]

On the DisABILITIES board, a CM made the comment that he/she (don't remember) would say to people in ECV's, upon entering a park, "don't speed in there!!" Really, why oh why, would someone feel the need to say that to someone??

Just to defend that CM. This past trip to Disney I saw several cases of people being run into or almost run over by those.

 

[SueM in MN]

When we got to the desk, the receptionist completely ignored me and started asking my friend questions. He backed away and said "Whoa! I'm only her ignorant chauffeur!" I think he got his point across.

I like that comment.

My DD probably gets more people treating her as if she can't understand because she is using a wheelchair AND, even though she can understand, she can't talk. Even people who should know that she understands perfectly well, sometimes don't (like friends or extended family will ask me if she wants xxx - I'll say "ASK HER.").
My favorite example was when she was about 7 or so and was in an afterschool day care setting. I came to pick her up one day and she started signing "bird" (she uses sign language, gestures and what Ursula in the Little Mermaid calls "body language" to communicate with family mostly). I ask her a bunch of questions to clarify what she was getting at and narrowed it down to "turkey". Then she pointed at one (fairly new) staff member and signed "turkey". From her body language, I figured out that she was calling him a turkey and asked why. She signed "baby", so (as it turned out), she thought he was a real turkey because her talked to her like a baby. She wanted me to tell him that, so I did. He hadn't understood what she was signing at him when she tried to talk to him earlier in the day, but had wondered what that sign meant.
Needless to say, he never treated her that way again.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

One thing that everybody needs to keep in mind is that even though I'm sure that we are all intelligent people that any comment that we can possibly think of has already been said before and some of them many times. Comments get old for sure.

I have a neighbor/friend who is blind. When I first met her I was careful not to say things like, "see you tomorrow", etc. Then one time I slipped and said it and started listening to her say that sort of thing, too. I realized that they are normal ways of talking and I learned to talk to her just as I would anyone else. I don't think of her as my blind friend, but instead my friend who is blind. One night I had a dream that I was talking with her and telling about someone who is deaf and I was going on and on about how hard it must be for that person. She then reminded me that she was blind and that that was hard, too. I told her that I'd forgotten that she was blind. When I told my neighbor about the dream she was actually touched because it's exactly how she wants people to think of her--wants them to not think of her blindless first, but to think of her as a person/neighbor/friend, etc.

At the same time, we don't ignore "blind" topics, challenges, etc. It's apart of who she is that shouldn't be ignored, but there is a lot more to her than her blindness.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Just to defend that CM. This past trip to Disney I saw several cases of people being run into or almost run over by those.

That's true and I've seen it happen myself. But why would you say that to someone innocently coming into the parks??

 

[Tigger&Belle]

That's true and I've seen it happen myself. But why would you say that to someone innocently coming into the parks??

Good point.

As a parent I wouldn't be happy if I were walking into a show or restaurant and someone says to me or my child, "you be quiet in here and don't make a lot of noise" just because some kids make noise.

 

[SueM in MN]

Good point.

As a parent I wouldn't be happy if I were walking into a show or restaurant and someone says to me or my child, "you be quiet in here and don't make a lot of noise" just because some kids make noise.

 

[Sparx]

I'm sorry you deal with that everyday. I guess sometimes people just don't know what to say when they see someone who is disabled or different from themselves. I have some scary look scars on my leg and if I had a dollar for every stupid comment i've gotten about them, i'd be rich.

 

[Stacerita]

So, the moral of my vent, please think before you speak.

I think the whole world would be better if everyone did this.

 

[piglet too]

Do you get tired of people asking why you are in a wheelchair? I don't want to offend the person, so I tend to not ask, and get nervous too. Weird thing is, I never have a problem with someone asking why I wear hearing aids.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Piglet too,

It really depends. A lot makes a difference on how a person asks. I had a guy at my gym ask me, "So what happened to you?" I was recovering from a sinus infection and was rubbing my forehead when he asked. I responded with, "Today or in general?"

Also, it bugs me when people ask, "How did you become crippled?"

But people that approach me and say things like, "I know it's none of my business, but do you mind if I ask why you are in a wheelchair?" Questions asked in a polite manner can make all the difference.

Oh I thought of something else. This is another goody. When people come up to you and say, "I know exactly what you are going through. I broke my leg 5 years ago and had to use a wheelchair for 2 months." I'm sorry, but no. You don't have the first clue. Go do a little research on spinal cord injuries and then explain to me how your situation is the same.

 

[lilostitch]

I like this post

Everyone needs reminders in basic manners and some of us need educating in dealing with people/situations we don't encounter frequently.

Your post doesn't stick out to me as someone with a disability, it stands out to me as someone who has come across people who inadvertantly say "dumb" things to you. Growing up, I was ALWAYS the tallest person in my grade level until I got to middle school and the boys caught up. I also had an ethnic first and last name, as I am half Samoan. I can't tell you how many "dumb" comments I got about "how's the weather up there?" or about my name. I know most comments weren't said to be mean, it was just people who thought they were clever and didn't realize, no, you are actually the millionth person to say that clever ditty!

It really just comes down to respect doesn't it?

 

[Stitchfans]

I realized people could be ignorant, but I didn't realize they could be that ignorant. Sorry.

 

[mtblujeans]

....I was at the grocery store yesterday with my husband. I was in the produce section getting some vegetables. I had the shopping cart right in front of me, parallel to the vegetables. Make sense?

Well I got what I needed and moved myself and the cart forward a few feet to get something else. Well this woman in a grocery store ECV comes by. I stopped to make sure she had enough room to get by me. So she stops right besides me and says, "Heh heh, it sure must be hard to manage yourself and the buggy, too." I said, "No not really." Her husband/SO says, "Ha ha, you should put a motor on that thing."



If I have heard "You should put a motor on that thing" once, I have heard it a ZILLION times. I know people mean absolutely no harm in these comments, really I do. But they get old very very quick.....

I can see why people would make such comments.....we are a 'need for speed' society and people will make jokes to start a conversation with a stranger relating to how fast someone can 'go' in any vehicle with wheels. I can also see why you would tire of such comments, since they are bascially all the same each time.

But, I don't think people should be put in a bad light because they use these type of comments to open a conversation with you. They really mean no harm and it would appear to be the most positive opener to communication they can come up with to interact with you.

 

[Annie68]

I was in a serious car accident on my way home from work one morning in '94. I ended up severing my temporal arteries & leaving a lot of my forehead on the windshield (had taken off my seatbelt to pick up a fallen item & didn't refasten it ). I was 24 weeks pregnant with DD #2, who didn't survive .

The plastic surgeon did the best he could, but I have some pretty significant scars on my forehead. Usually my bangs cover them & people don't notice, but occasionally they do. Once I had a 50ish yo lady in front of me at the grocery story checkout, she turned & stared while I was unloading my cart. When she caught my eye, she said "GOD, what happened to you?" My DD was little, around 5-6 or so at the time. I was angry, but said something along the lines of it being accident related. This lady wasn't happy with a condensed version though, she wanted details . It was then that my DD said "my baby sister died and we don't want to talk about it". The lady apologized, seemed embarrassed. I was so proud of my little girl!! After that, I handle the rude questions with "it's really none of your business", kindly but firmly. That usually works!

The only people I discuss it with are children & teens, I tell them the dangers of not wearing their seatbelt & will even lift my bangs to let them see if they ask. The scars are faded, but still noticeable.