please close this thread

[poohandwendy]

So did you two meet and then move in together the next day?

From what the OP described, they met on Aug 1/2(?), 2004 and moved in together in Oct...so I guess they were together 2 months or so...

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Ok, I must have missed that somewhere. Still.....

 

[poohandwendy]

I am surprised by all of the 'cut him loose' responses here? I guess I just didn't see what was described in the OP as a horrible relationship. Yes, not an optimal one and there is certainly room for communication, that is obvious. But, why is everyone so quick to say 'dump him'?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am surprised by all of the 'cut him loose' responses here? I guess I just didn't see what was described in the OP as a horrible relationship. Yes, not an optimal one and there is certainly room for communication, that is obvious. But, why is everyone so quick to say 'dump him'?

I hear ya'....If I posted what my DH (then BF) was like...ooooh boy.
But on the flipside, I was a piece of work myself.

 

[poohandwendy]

Let's review...the BF works full time and is a full time student. (also pays the majority of the bills)

The OP works 3 days per week.

Is it really unfair to expect her to be the one taking care of the vast majority of the household?

 

[gemmie214]

Let's review...the BF works full time and is a full time student. (also pays the majority of the bills)

The OP works 3 days per week.

Is it really unfair to expect her to be the one taking care of the vast majority of the household?

Exactly what I was saying in an above post.

I also feel, from what she posted, that the guy seems to be overwhlemed...and he should be. He has a LOT of responsibilty. I don't think him expecting that she take over the housework while she has months of downtime is at all outrageous.

 

[hydster]

Great post PAW once again! OP you should take her post and think about it long and hard! I don't think this is something that should make you just up and leave! Relationships no matter with whom or for how long have times where they go smoothly and then WHAM you get smacked upside the head and have to re-evaluate the relationship in various ways.

I don't think this is a matter of either of you not being mature or grown up I think it's more in the idea that who you knew him to be in the past isn't now who he is and maybe he feels the same way about you. I can see where you probably in some ways at some time feel like the hired help but maybe he feels in some way being taken advantage of by you. I'm not implying that you are but sometimes we lose the ability to think that maybe some of the issue is due to our personality or actions just as much as the other person. And generally when we notice it the most is when the care and affection from our partner starts to die off and when it feels like the relationship loses it's "romance and affectionate times". I understand that you feel a little "resentful" *for lack of a better term* that you are now EXPECTED to do things instead of the 2 of you working it out together and sharing in the responsibilities as a couple.

Trust me I'm married and we celebrate our 15th Anniversary in a couple of weeks and there are still times where I feel like the hired help around here too. I don't work and DH supports us great on his job but there are still times where I feel like the slave/maid/whatever you want to label it. It is at that time that we used to have a "date night". When we were younger we couldn't or maybe even wouldn't control the impulse to get nasty with each other so we decided to take the "talk" somewhere public where it was imperative that we keep it civil and listen to each other. There was no loud arguments or shouting matches that way. Instead we sat as rational adults and talked about it. Now we have moved past the need to talk in public and can do so rationally at home but honestly there were times in our younger more "feisty" days that we really needed to be surrounded by strangers so we were forced by circumstances to act "grown up" about it all.

Relationships always ebb and flow! It doesn't matter if you've been together 1 month or 100 years...there will ALWAYS be times where you or your partner/spouse/SO will feel taken advantage of or less loved. It's the nature of relationships. The best thing to do is to talk to each other about it and figure out how to resolve it together where you both feel good about it.

To me it seems that your relationship with him lacks in communication. Whether it's on both of your parts or 1. If this is something that you both want to continue and eventually marry and have a family getting the communication down NOW is crucial to your relationship survival. If you both have expectations that are unspoken it will be impossible for either of you to make this work.

As for visiting and staying with his father during your Anniversary trip...well I can only tell you that this is also something that will not go away anytime soon. The sooner you can compromise on some issues the better. You have to pick and choose the battles that are truly important to you and the same with him. It's about give and take! Honestly I don't see a huge deal staying with his dad for a few days. It won't kill you to be there but maybe it will show him that you are willing to compromise too even though you'd rather it just be the 2 of you. There are sometimes where you have to accept his family and his desire to be with them. Take a good book with you and read while he talks with his dad. Try to find something in common with all of you and talk about it with them over dinner. The 3 day weekend for your Anniversary is not going to kill you being with his dad. True it may seem brutal and boring but it could be something that your BF needs to see happen so he knows you too are willing to compromise when it comes to something so important to him.


If he is unwilling to communicate with you and you've tried all options THEN and ONLY then would I suggest a seperation or a complete moving on from each other. If he is not willing to try to communicate with you now I highly doubt in 10 years he will be any better at it when there are more stresses like a house payment, kids, bills. It's tough blending 2 people together but it can work but only if both of you are willing to do so. If he won't listen and won't hear what you are asking for then you might need to move on but certainly exhaust all avenues first IF you truly want to be with him!

I wish you all the best. I know it's hard but when you get it worked out you feel so much better personally and as a couple.

 

[palmtreegirl]

Let's review...the BF works full time and is a full time student. (also pays the majority of the bills)

The OP works 3 days per week.

Is it really unfair to expect her to be the one taking care of the vast majority of the household?

I don't think it's unfair at all. If the OP wants things to be completely equal then maybe they should start splitting everything 50/50 including all the bills.

 

[Skywalker]

Hi!

I concur with a few other here in that I don't think he is out of line in expecting you to do the housework. I that is the usual partnership arrangement when one is busy working and the other is mostly at home. If the roles were reversed and he only worked 3 days a week, I am sure you would also expect it of him.

I also see his side of the other issue, spending a few days with his dad. In his mind, it is the best of both worlds - you get your "trip" and he gets to squeeze in a visit to his dad. It sounds like he does not have much time to spend with his loved ones and so he has to double up when he can. Also, he may not think "alone time" with you should be such a big deal since you do live together and you do not mention any others living with you or children or anything.

 

[Laurajean1014]

the guy seems to be overwhlemed...and he should be. He has a LOT of responsibilty.

That is exactly the point. He is overwhelmed. So, maybe it's not the right time for him to have a live-in mate. He's wrapped in other things and getting mad at the people whom support him (aka, her), is not a mature response.

He's overwhelmed and possibly under-matured.

I think a break would be a good thing (maybe not long term) but much needed.

What if the two get married? Is he going to be worse/better? I'd be weary.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

When we were younger we couldn't or maybe even wouldn't control the impulse to get nasty with each other so we decided to take the "talk" somewhere public where it was imperative that we keep it civil and listen to each other. There was no loud arguments or shouting matches that way. Instead we sat as rational adults and talked about it. Now we have moved past the need to talk in public and can do so rationally at home but honestly there were times in our younger more "feisty" days that we really needed to be surrounded by strangers so we were forced by circumstances to act "grown up" about it all.

This is such a good idea! I will definitely be using this as my DBF and I are so opinionated (stubborn, defensive, etc. ) that sometimes our tiny arguments get blown out of proportion. Going to a public place (like a restaurant) will force us to actually listen to each other and remain calm. And maybe when we grow up some more we will be able to do it ourselves. Thanks and the whole rest of your post was very good too!

 

[disneymama73]

Now you know what it will be like to be married to the man. You are lucky you've had the big picture without any of the legal entanglements. He sounds unhappy and uncaring. He's being unfair and taking advantage of you. He doesn't deserve your adoration. There's someone out there who will appreciate you. Don't settle for this life. It can be SO much better. If the bloom is off the rose (so to speak) after just two years...move on.

Appreciate what you "have?" What you have is someone who does nothing for you while you do everything for him. If he thinks his money replaces affection, attention, caring, loving, consideration, romance and on and on...he's the wrong man for you.

Excellent post! I have been with the same man for 11 years, married for 8. We lived together for a couple of years, but I didn't see the writing on the wall. Now, I do all the cleaning, all the childcare, all the cooking, all the laundry, etc. He works extremely long hours, but even when he's home, he isn't home. Know what I mean?

You have a chance here. Listen to shortbun and don't settle for this kind of life. Do you really want to only be spoken to when your bf needs clean clothes? I've had this happen. I've been woken from a sound sleep after taking care of a newborn and two small children all day and night to my DH holding a pair of jeans over me, and him simply saying, "Jeans!" No one needs to be treated like this.

Your best will never be good enough. Believe me.

 

[LoraJ]

I don't think it's unfair at all. If the OP wants things to be completely equal then maybe they should start splitting everything 50/50 including all the bills.

BINGO!

OP: You really need to learn how to communicate your feelings. If neither of you learn how to do this, you'll just build up resentment.

I also live with my boyfriend. But we were together 3 years before he moved in. Our relationship gets better and better each year. And communication is a big part of that.

 

[Microcell]

He's just not that into you?

I was telling my DD that when she starts dating and has to spend alot of time wondering what he is thinking and thinking that he is insensitive and questioning his love for you, that he probably is just not that into you.

The kind of guy that you deserve is going to want to do these things for you and spend the time with you.

Also try not to live with a guy before marriage, test driving is not a valid argument, he owns the car already by living with you. He does not have to be sensitive or thoughtful, he isn't going to lose you because you are there all the time. You can threaten to leave too, but you don't and he knows that. He absolutely does not have to work hard, so he won't.

I wish you luck.

 

[LoraJ]

What's so wrong with living together before marriage?

I love it! It's only made us stronger.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Excellent comments here!
__________________________________________________________
You have a chance here. Listen to shortbun and don't settle for this kind of life. Do you really want to only be spoken to when your bf needs clean clothes? I've had this happen. I've been woken from a sound sleep after taking care of a newborn and two small children all day and night to my DH holding a pair of jeans over me, and him simply saying, "Jeans!" No one needs to be treated like this.

Your best will never be good enough. Believe me.
__________________________________________________________


I would like to point out, yet again, that the OP does not have a problem doing the lions share of the household work. She has a problem with her BF's expectations and attitudes.

I would also like to point out, again, that the OP is also going to school and working.

To me, the household chores are definitely not the issue. They are just the symptom. The real issue is how her DBF is treating her disrespectfully. He is treating her like his hired help. He is putting his parents before her. etc...

There have been some wonderful posts earlier in this thread on these very issues! Those of us who have been-there and experienced these issues are the ones who can really relate.

 

[musicotb]

.....

 

[poohandwendy]

I would like to point out, yet again, that the OP does not have a problem doing the lions share of the household work. She has a problem with her BF's expectations and attitudes.

I would also like to point out, again, that the OP is also going to school and working.

To me, the household chores are definitely not the issue. They are just the symptom. The real issue is how her DBF is treating her disrespectfully. He is treating her like his hired help. He is putting his parents before her. etc...

There have been some wonderful posts earlier in this thread on these very issues! Those of us who have been-there and experienced these issues are the ones who can really relate.

With all due respect, you have no idea who has 'been there' and who can relate. I, for one, have definitely been there and done that in my 20 year marriage. There have been times when I worked, went to school, he went to school, etc. There have been times where I did the lions share and times where he did. And times where we hit bumps in the road dealing with who would be doing what. It's typical of long term relationships. Finding what works.

As to the issues you brought up:

1) She obviously DOES have a problem with doing the lions share of the housework. She feels he 'expects' it, he probably does. MOST men who are working full time and going to school full time would expect that. I am not clear on what she wants from him...maybe he isn't either?

2) She stated that she works (3) 8 hour shifts right now and that she will be going to school soon. The issues she mentions seem to be an issue NOW. To be honest, if I were him, you bet I would expect her to be doing the housework. He is her sole financial support and he is overloaded.

3) I can find nothing in the OPs posts where he is treating her disrespectfully. He may be getting upset with her not getting some things done around the house. That is a typical argument in pretty much any household across the nation. They are obviously in the beginning stages of figuring out how to decide who should be doing what.

4) I do not think he is putting his family first in any way. She admits that he suggested going to the father house for the trip 'to save money'...perhaps money is an issue right now? He had his mother over for dinner and cooked...um, he COOKED the meal and she is complaining that he cooked a meal for his GF and mother? Sheesh, what a jerk!

5) Where is he treating her like hired help? I just a not seeing that.

I am seeing someone who is disenchanted with the every day existence that comes with long term relationships. And I am seeing someone who is in a relationship where communication would go a LONG way in resolving the issues she is having.

That is my advice to her, talk to him. He probably loves her very much and would work on these things. I am not seeing red flags in anything she posted at all...expect that they should be talking mre about what they each expect.

He could, and probably does, have a list of things she does that he is not thrilled with. Such is life.

 

[poohandwendy]

Update: we had a blow-up fight when I went to have lunch with him (yeah, it's like a 45 minutes drive round trip, but I do it twice a week). He said that everything was me and it was not his fault at all. I asked him why he's with me if I am so awful, and he said that he loved who we were when we were first together and hoped I would change. He said I don't appreciate him - when I asked what that meant, he said it's because when he come shome from work I do not always have a huge smile on my face and say "Hi Honey! How was your day?" and all that. There are other things... I definitely appreciate him and he knows that - I wish we had a censor button sometimes when we're mad...
So... anyway, I think after a while he was remorseful. I went to friend's house and she and I, who were soon joined by another friend, had a few "she man boy hater" pow-wow hours and, in addition to the help I've received on here, feel much better.
I am going to talk to him (he is currently napping in our apartment that reeks of paint sicne our tub got resurfaced today) and I am also going to start trying to put money aside so that I can have something saved "in case" - so I don't feel stuck here.
I will try as hard as I can. That's all I can do.

Translation:

He is saying he doesn't feel appreciated either. He is saying that he thinks he is doing all that he can and that he doesn't feel like you are. (sound familiar?) I think you can relate to those feelings, right? Maybe instead of using defensive ears to hear...maybe think about what he is actually saying. He misses how things used to be too. He thought things would be different. So did you.

If you two could talk without attack and defense, you might actually resolve some of these hurt feelings and find ways to share your life rather than resent each other.

No one wins the war of 'who is more right'. The only thing that really works is REALLY listening and trying to understand each other. I hope you both can do that. If I were you, I would start with "Wow, I never realized you felt that way...I feel that way too."

Good luck to you both.

 

[LoraJ]

Update: we had a blow-up fight when I went to have lunch with him (yeah, it's like a 45 minutes drive round trip, but I do it twice a week). He said that everything was me and it was not his fault at all. I asked him why he's with me if I am so awful, and he said that he loved who we were when we were first together and hoped I would change. He said I don't appreciate him - when I asked what that meant, he said it's because when he come shome from work I do not always have a huge smile on my face and say "Hi Honey! How was your day?" and all that. There are other things... I definitely appreciate him and he knows that - I wish we had a censor button sometimes when we're mad...
So... anyway, I think after a while he was remorseful. I went to friend's house and she and I, who were soon joined by another friend, had a few "she man boy hater" pow-wow hours and, in addition to the help I've received on here, feel much better.
I am going to talk to him (he is currently napping in our apartment that reeks of paint sicne our tub got resurfaced today) and I am also going to start trying to put money aside so that I can have something saved "in case" - so I don't feel stuck here.
I will try as hard as I can. That's all I can do.

It seems as though he feels as unloved and unapreciated as you do. He's told you what you can do to make him feel more loved. You say he said nothing is his fault, but did you point out exactly what it was that was bothering you, and what he could do to make you feel more loved?



Pooandwendy, I totally agree. I see nothing in the posts that say he puts family first for exactly the reasons you stated.