please close this thread

[Jennifer S]

welcome to marriage- you sound like an old married couple. It's all about compromise. It sounds like his schedule is a lot busier than yours. I would just grin and bear it. There may be a time when your life is busier and he'll need to do more.

He just sounds like a typical guy. He's not cheating, beating you or mental abusing you. No guy is perfect. We all have little faults. I'd sit down and have a heart to heart and tell him how you feel. There is no one out there that will be perfect all the time. Your expectations may be a little high.

As far as the anniverary if money is tight I see no problem satying w/ his dad. You can go out to a nice dinner alone. You guys live together. It's not like you never get alone time.

Most families are a pain. Hey you can't chose them so you jus have to deal with them. I think it says a lot about him to want to see his mom on his birthday. I wouldn't think too much of a guy that didn't put some time into family. After all if you have children with him sounds like he'd put your family first.

Honestly he sounds like a keeper. I think you need to cut him a break but I would sit down and talk to him.

 

[musicotb]

.....

 

[agnes!]

You know, a separation wouldn't actually kill you. Move out, live apart, maybe even (gasp) see other people. Build a life *without* living with him. If you two are meant to be together forever, then the relationship will survive. If *not*, then it wasn't meant to be and it's better to know that *now* than after investing any more wasted time or after marriage & kids (the last two aren't always in that order, which is another consideration).

agnes!

 

[musicotb]

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[Mrs.Toad]

Excellent post Neverlandclub.


To Simplots Wife. I have to disagree!!!! Never did the OP complain about being an adult and having to do household duties. (Only her BF's expectations and judgements) She is working very hard to hold down a part time job and to go to school.

Also, about the OP being immature. Completely uncalled for!

I am a middle aged woman who is in NO way immature at all. I can tell that no matter how old or mature you are, it is NOT unreasonable to want to spend some nice one-one time with your spouse or partner. It is NOT unreasonable to want your partner to see you as a priority. That is what a relationship/marriage is all about.

I completely agree with this post.

I'm going to channel Dear Abby (or is it Ann Landers?) here and tell the OP to ask yourself, would you be better off with him or without him? This is so hard when you love someone so much, but you deserve to be treated with love and respect, and frankly, it doesn't sound like you are in this relationship. Think about your future. Think about what it might be like to have kids with him. The household duties grow exponentially when that happens. Do you think he'll be the same way with them? What's more important to you?

Only you can answer these questions, but one thing I'll say is that you need to have a long, heart-to-heart talk with him about both of your expectations and whether your relationship is going to last.

I'm sorry you're going through these diffculties.

 

[lovmy2girls]

Every story has two sides. Find out his. Find out exactly why things have changed. Your young adults, and in any adult relationship one of the keys to keeping it together is communication. The communication seems to have broken down some where along the way, and it happens even to the best and longest of relationships. That’s the place to start and go from there. You both are going to change so much in the coming years, it will make your head spin. If it's genuine love you both have for each other you will change together and grow together.

You both seem to have a lot on your shoulders for such young adults going to school and working. Lots of responsibilities that can weigh on even the strongest person.

 

[simpilotswife]

Excellent post Christine!!!
You just took my post and my experience to a whole new level!!!
You are the one who has hit the nail on the head.

OP: listen to those who have been there done that...

Ignore those who only throw around negative judgmental accustations.

Don't worry I am sure she will.

 

[Christine]

Don't worry I am sure she will.

 

[musicotb]

.....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Don't worry I am sure she will.

Man, I am cracking up... Good one!!!

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I am planning on talking to him soon. I am hoping that we can work things out, but if we can't, I am realistic that just because I want it to work doesn't mean it will. I am willing to make changes... but there has to be compromise. I in no way believe that I am perfect, I make a lot of mistakes, but my heart is in 110%... I just need him to be there with me.

That really is the best attitude to have.

 

[musicotb]

.....

 

[poohandwendy]

I am planning on talking to him soon. I am hoping that we can work things out, but if we can't, I am realistic that just because I want it to work doesn't mean it will. I am willing to make changes... but there has to be compromise. I in no way believe that I am perfect, I make a lot of mistakes, but my heart is in 110%... I just need him to be there with me.

Stop right there and realize that you are going into it with "I am willing.... BUT" Drop the defensiveness and approach it as, "I would like to change some of our habits...how can we do that?" Not just changing his...but yours too.

You have expectations and he has expectations. I am quite certain you are both annoying each other that way.

The very best approach you can take is to start by trying really hard to see where he is coming from. Instead of making excuses for why you cannot meet the expecations he has, try to understand why he has those expectations. Are you home more? Do you have more free time? That is why he expects you to do the lion share of housework. It does not mean, necessarily, that he is being a chauvinist...only that in a practical way, he sees you as having more time for that.

And then, instead of telling him how unhappy you are with the way he is...how about trying to tell him what would make you happy? What you miss? Talk to him about how overwhelmed you feel rather than unappreciated. I bet you will find that he has similar feelings.

It just is not productive to place someone on the side of "You do x,y and z and I am sick of it" and not expect him to react defensively. And when someone is on the defensive, they are not open to finding solutions.

Romance and attentiveness are not found in a home where there is tension. Remove the tension and you will both feel more romantic and attentive toward each other.

 

[Laurajean1014]

OP:

You don't have to feel obligated to do any of HIS chores. There maybe one day that you support him and you would need to do YOUR chores. It's the way it should work.

Also, from what I'm getting from your message is that you two may not be in love with each other. I think you love the fact that you can love another, but he is not worthy of you. (Not to incinuate that he is bad, just not for you). You are trying very hard to work and it seems like this is a bad time for him to be in a relationship.

Let us know as things turn or progress. Best of luck to you.

 

[gemmie214]

I think you should sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him as soon as possible. It sounds as if he may be feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. He is working full time and going to school, he is responsible for the bills and all that being the "supporter" implies. That is a lot of responsibility for anyone especially one so young.

It is possible that he does expect you to do the household things while you have a lighter load during the summer. He is still expected to be an employee, a student...ect. Your life has slown down some for the summer. In my opinion you should see the household things as a way of pulling your weight. You are being supported financially and though you will be bogged down with school issues in another month and a half you aren't bogged down now. It is fair for him to expect a break from those duties because you have the time to pick up the slack.

As for the family issues. Again I see him as feeling overwhelmed and pressed for time and money. He might see it as " I only have a limited amount of down time and need to cram all I can into it". That would mean seeing his family at times you would like to be with just him. It sounds like his time is pretty limited.

 

[momrek06]

OP: You really do need to sit down with him, no interruptions, no phones ringing, no one falling asleep and get this all out in the OPEN. You need to (for your sanity) find out if you are both on the "same page"!!! You need to know this now before you and your DBF "talk" marriage! You need to forget about all the menial little things you are now feeling you are stooping to do..
(cleaning, laundry, food shopping etc) and find out really and truly if he is still "head over heels" for you as you are for him!!! That is it in a nutshell!
And the only way is to communicate with him, forget expensive meals and cards..etc etc...right now your priority is to find out how he is feeling. And if DBF and you have this talk and he insists things are fine and loves you to pieces (which all of us on the DIS want to hear more than anything) then this is where the "little things" discussion can then come up...and tell him how you feel about all the menial jobs you are doing and how he needs to basically "step up to the plate" and HELP YOU!

OP, please keep us posted!! We are here for you!!

 

[pperfectmom]

Now you know what it will be like to be married to the man. You are lucky you've had the big picture without any of the legal entanglements. He sounds unhappy and uncaring. He's being unfair and taking advantage of you. He doesn't deserve your adoration. There's someone out there who will appreciate you. Don't settle for this life. It can be SO much better. If the bloom is off the rose (so to speak) after just two years...move on.

Appreciate what you "have?" What you have is someone who does nothing for you while you do everything for him. If he thinks his money replaces affection, attention, caring, loving, consideration, romance and on and on...he's the wrong man for you.

What she said!!!!Get out while the gettin's good. Please make the most out of your life. You only get one chance.

 

[Buckalew11]

It is important to remember that we all go into relationships with desires. Those desires can turn into expectations very quickly. When we expect a certain standard then we lose appreciation for it because we "expected it anyway". Then the person fulfilling the expectation feels resentful and intimacy goes out the back door.

I am not sure if it works the same whether you are married or living together, but I am thinking that many stages would be the same whether you are married or not. I think you all sound like an "old married couple". So, like others have said, it is important to talk this over with him.

This may be how he expects life with you to be (married or not). If you aren't happy with it, then it is your decision whether to stay or go. Someone else may totally different from your DBF. But, I think for many a married couple, what you describe is what we call married life. Some may think that's all there is and some may feel like they are settling. It is your call.

Your DBF doesn't sound too bad to me. But, maybe because it is a lot like the life we lead at my house. DH is the primary breadwinner and I work very PT and take care of everything in the house. Sure, it'd be nice to have someone grocery shop with me or for me or do the dishes when I cook. Maybe I have settled because DH doesn't do those things but he's a good provider and a faithful man who I am still crazy about after 19 years (this coming Tues).

You know your heart and you know that you need to talk to him. You said something about Nashville and "how he should just know that" about what you were thinking. Nah, I was just talking to some guys friends about this on Sunday...they can't read our minds! (I think they start off trying and then give up LOL)

I think it sounds like you have a relationship worth saving (at least your side of the story). Hopefully, when you talk to him, you'll both see it that way. Good marriages are a lot of work. I am sure it is much the same after this long of living together. And remember, if things don't change and you stay together, this will be the same thing that bugs you 20 years from now. I can promise you that one.

Good luck!

 

[PeterPanette]

You know, a separation wouldn't actually kill you. Move out, live apart, maybe even (gasp) see other people. Build a life *without* living with him. If you two are meant to be together forever, then the relationship will survive. If *not*, then it wasn't meant to be and it's better to know that *now* than after investing any more wasted time or after marriage & kids (the last two aren't always in that order, which is another consideration).

agnes!

Agnes! Short, simple, and so right on! As usual.

Musicotb, best of luck to you. But the sooner you learn that there's no way to make someone adore you as much as you adore them, the better off you'll be. I think most couples have one partner more in love than the other one, and even though it remains unspoken, they both realize it deep down and make it work for them.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

DBF(23) and I (almost 24) have been together for 2 years now. We have been living together since Oct. 2004, so almost the whole time.

So did you two meet and then move in together the next day?