Please can I have a bit of a moan?

[Queenie]

Sorry about this guys but I just want to get this off my chest before we go away. I know jealousy isn't pretty and we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel it but to be honest, I just don't care right now and I'm going to stamp my foot and sound like a teenager (well I am one for another 3 and a bit weeks!) and say "it's not fair!"

In 2004 my mum went to WDW for the first time with my older sister, sister's OH (both in their thirties) and my neice who was then 1 year old. They stayed at ASM and as they knew nothing at all about WDW and didn't bother to do any research, it cost them an arm and a leg. Now my sister and her family aren't very well off, although being brutally honest, they could be much better off if they didn't spend so much money on going out clubbing etc - however that's a different story. Anyway, my mum paid for pretty much their entire trip, all three of them and they had an OK time.

Fast forward to this year when me and my OH go to WDW with her. We find the cheapest deals we can and get us out there for a fraction of what she paid lats time, yet she hasn't offered to pay a penny towards any of our holiday. Even the dolphin swim me and her are doing at EPCOT, I'm paying for myself. As I said, jealousy isn't pretty but it just really winds me up (to say the least.)

But what makes this REALLY sting though, more than anything else, is that about 3 weeks ago my mum bought herself a new widescreen HD plasma TV which cost about £1000, and she bought my sister one too!!!!!!!!!!!!! There house is a tiny rented terrace, there genuinely isn't any room for a TV that size! Obviously I was really upset about this and I think mum picked up on it a bit as she told me a week or so later that she'd buy me a TV too..... "when I get married." I'm sorry what year is this? My TV is actually on the blink, one of the sockets at the back is coming loose stopping us watching DVDs, she knows this (I told her as I couldn't watch a DVD she loaned me) and she just shrugged, when the 4 yr old surround sound system started to die a few days later she laughed and said how "these things always come at once."

Sorry about that but I'm just angry and upset that my sister who squanders money every 10 seconds is constantly being bought things (and not just cheap little bits, it's £1000 here and £1000 there) and I barely get anything, just odd bits now and again which she gets too. Anyway, rant over.

 

[carolfoy]

Rant away Love, I know I do, it does seem like your Mum genuinely doesn't realsie she's treating you both differently, either that or she's so used to bailing your sister out that she doesn't think twice about it. Try and put a positive spin on it, you work hard enough and save hard enough for your own things for you. You're not indebted to anyone

 

[jen_uk]

That doesnt sound very fair! Maybe when you are on holiday if you have a moment together you could tell her how you feel and if she laughs if off then tell her it upsets you a great deal.

 

[Cyrano]

That doesnt sound very fair! Maybe when you are on holiday if you have a moment together you could tell her how you feel and if she laughs if off then tell her it upsets you a great deal.

Let her know how you feel otherwise it will fester and fester till you have a really big fight

 

[mandymouse]

You rant away, it isn't fair that you feel you aren't being treated equally

 

[natalielongstaff]

it doesnt seem fair to me im sure your mum feels that you are able to look after yourself and your sister clearly isnt !!
i know it sometimes winds my brother up that my mum constantly buys things for my kids and as hes childless gets relativly little

hope it doesnt overshadow your holiday

 

[Lizzy Lemon]

Rant away - hurts like hell doesn't it. My in-laws have had all their grandkids to stay the weekend with them except ours. When we had a big bust up last year I let them know how much it hurt our feelings. They claimed they have never had their grandchildren to stay. A week later they had brought me a box of chocs and bottle of wine, their way of saying 'sorry' but they still haven't had our boys to stay.

 

[ely3857]

Families

I would get this sorted out though before you go, pent up tension could ruin your trip



Jodie

 

[wils]

I agree with Jodie - try and say something before you go.

This is so familiar - I can think without trying of 2 friends who have similar issues. The first with money and the second with grandchildren being treated differently.

I am an only child (can't you tell!) so luckily I've never had this problem and my m-i-l always worries when she does something for one of the grandkids (bless her - I keep telling her that it all equals up in the end

Sending you I can imagine how awful it makes you feel so feel free to rant

 

[Lisash]

Rant away I'd be annoyed too. Like the others have said I'd try to drop it into conversation at some point the effect her doing this has. Don't let it spoil your holiday

 

[arieljasmine]

Don't worry about ranting, Sophie, we all need to do it at some time. I hope you get chance to bring it up before you go away, I would hate to think of it ruining your holiday

ArielJasmine

 

[shellbell]

Its good to get things off your chest!!! Maybe your mum doesn't realise how upset you are about all this, i would try explaining to her how you feel.

 

[saratogagirl]

rant away this is a great place for doing so - we are always here to listen to you, DH mother does this too, it does my head in, at least you are not indebted to anyone, it must be very frustrating for you though - big hug

 

[UKDEB]

Luckily for me, my family has always dolled out in equal measure. Not necessarily 'tit for tat', but if either my brother or I have needed help, we've received it. The upside of that approach is that we're always pleased for the other; never resentful. I've often brokered deals for him, because I know how it feels to need help whilst not wanting to ask, especially because we've always been so fortunate.

It sounds to me that your Mother feels your sister needs her help, whereas you don't. Maybe you need a frank, but 'gentle' conversation with her.

 

[Minniespal]

Sophie ~ You rant away. Hopefully you can have a chance to tell your mum how you feel before you go away. It does sound as if your mum knows you can stand on your own feet whereby your sister might need a little help. Doesnt make it fair and it certainly doesn't make you feel good. Sending some for you.

 

[Boo Boo Too]

It sounds to me that your Mother feels your sister needs her help, whereas you don't. Maybe you need a frank, but 'gentle' conversation with her.

I completely agree with UKDEB - this was exactly what was going through my mind....

It sounds as though your Mum knows that you and your family have the means, ability and sense to look after yourselves financially.... But she knows that your sister doesn't (so pays for things that she knows she otherwise wouldn't be able to afford). She wants to make what you both have fair and doesn't see giving your sister more (to equalise things a bit) as unfair. Most of us can see why you think it is unfair though... Especially if you think that your sister has less because she wastes her own money...

Can't really help with the TV (is your sister married?). Maybe you could say that you never have any intention of marrying (don't know if you do or don't) - so does that mean that you will never get a TV too?

As far as holidays go, it is best to lay down the financial arrangements at the start - who is paying for what and get agreement of budgets etc. Don't know whether you intend for your Mum to pay for any of the initial costs and/or the costs whilst you are away (i.e. if you all go out to dinner, who pays?), but it might be best to tackle it sooner rather than later... But in a very "matter of fact" sort of way.

Jealousy is a terrible emotion - mainly because it is so negative (so only hurts you ). Best thing to do is to speak to your Mum about it: calmly and unemotionally... make it clear how you feel. But, at the end of the day, it is up to her how she spends her money. However, if you know how she intends to spend it, then you can plan accordingly (i.e. she can pay for her portion of any family holidays... leaving you with £1000+ over to buy your own TV.... that way you don't feel as though you are indirectly buying your sister a big widescreen TV ).

Good luck

Boo

 

[angel659]

One rule for one and one rule for another. Dont you just loathe that!

I can see where your coming from. My parents have not helped me out financially at all. Not even when dh and I had to buy a house, when I fell pg 6 years ago. It was a massive struggle and we brewed so many debts that we even thought about declaring bankruptcy. I said no and made sure we put payment plans into place until I found a job. My parents knew we had money problems, yet seemed to make the wedding bigger and bigger. That would be fine if they intended to pay for all of it. We were out of our league back then and we paid for it 6 months after with all the threatening letters. Now that we are better off financially it was tough. It would of been nice if they had lent us some money or at least did not force us into a big wedding (thats another story). They chose not to. When my uncle was made redundant they paid thier mortgage for three months. Which my uncle paid straight back. I do not hold any grudges with my uncle I would rather that than them lose thier home. They have had it tough over the last few years. They always do this. Put thier masons first instead of me. When I was living at home I had to pay for my own telephone bill. Which is fair enough, but 12p oh my. My dad would sit there and highlight all the calls I made and add them up. They could easily afford this. They did not help with my driving lessons either. I was earning £45 a week back then so I could not afford any lessons. Anyway I am rambling.

My point is I was a only child and my parents still did not spoil me or buy me things and even to this day they dont. It does wind me up, but at the same time I have myself and dh to thank for what we have today. I know what we have is all down to me and Bruce and not my parents. Thats definately something I feel really proud of.

 

[jjpenguin]

Rant away, it seems to me that your mum is treating you different as your sister is "Married with a Kid" and that is more in line with her expectations for her children as grown ups. Obviously she doesn't see that you are just as grown up if not more.

I would have a chat with her and explain how you feel.

My MIL is the other way around she has to get something for everyone (SIL, BIL and us) and we are much better off than her and would prefer her to spend her money on herself.

 

[ariel75]

ouch sorry i hate parents who give to one but not the other. Obviously it's not nice being jealous nobody wants to be that way but i can see where your coming from i suppose it's putting a bit of a strain on your relationship with your sister.
Maybe you should try and bring this up or ask her for your wedding present early (as a major hint) as yours has seen better days.

 

[Queenie]

Thnks everyone. In response to a few things, no my sister isn't married yet. She has been with my neice's father for over 10 years and there is no indication that they will ever get married (much to the utter dismay of his catholic family!) If you met them you'd see that they are as far from the getting married/settling down types as possible!

Secondly I do intend to get married (even getting the ever so slight inclination that Scott may be planning to pop the question in the next year or so), what annoys me is that my marital status should make any difference to what she gives me and my sister.

Thirdly, whilst I can see why I should talk to her, I don't think now is a good time. It's been really hard getting to a point where we can stand to be around each other more than a few hours. Going on holiday together for 2 WEEKS is going to be a major thing and opening up this hige can of worms a week beforehand is going to cause massive tension which I'd rather not deal with. I might talk to her once we're back as if this carries on, Scott's going to end up yelling it all at her someday soon as I think it riles him more than it bothers me!!!

I am on ok terms with my sister at the moment but it's still rather rocky. Me and Scott end up in a bad mood whenever we hear the latest thing with her daughter (this kid gets dumped on grandparents - a 2 hour round trip - literally once a week while the parents go clubbing and has been allowed to watch movies from the age of 1 that I'd be uncomfortable letting a 10yr old see.) I know that she is jealous of us as we get to go on holiday but doesn't see the big picture about how she throws money away.