Please, As Many Opinions As Possible on This

[kwitcherkicken99]

It will be hard for you, but funerals really are to honor the decedents wishes. You may bust have to go with it or you could talk to her about your concerns. She may find you a helper or even scale back. You'll never know until you talk.

 

[luvmy3]

But this is something that seems to be really upsetting to the one who will be left behind. I have to think that even though Mom has made her plans, the bottom line is that she won't care because she will be dead. But in the here and now, if she is aware that what she's requesting will cause great distress to her only child, I would think she might need/want to know that. Can any mom continue on insisting things be her way if she knows her child will be so upset by the choices?

I guess all families are different but I can't see any reason why OP can't at least talk to Mom and see if she is willing to compromise to some degree. You can have this conversation while still respecting wishes.

I keep trying to turn it around in my head....I want NO visitation, NO ceremony, and I want to be cremated. My family is aware and I am pretty firm about it. But if one of my kids were to come to me and beg me to consider their feelings about it, it wouldn't take but a second to change my mind if it would make their grieving easier. Because bottom line is while I'd like to have things my way, I really won't care when I'm dead. But the feelings of those left behind should be considered.

OP, hope things work out in the best way for all.

I have to disagree with the bolded, asking someone to compromise their last wishes because of you is not respecting them. As a mom, I can say that I expect my children to follow my wishes, especially if I had them planned out and paid for in advance. However, I would understand if they felt that they couldn't handle be involved, and wanted to grieve say good-bye in their own way and not attend the services if it were too much for them. I don't understand why the feelings and last wishes of someone should be tossed aside because they'll be dead anyway, just doesn't seem right to me. And while you may not care because you'll be dead, there are people who don't feel that way and they way they go out of this world is important to them, how could a child not consider that for their parent

 

[cm8]

I would talk now to see what is financial available, and who will be paying for the last wishes.

If a 3-day wake is going to cost thousands more, well probably hundreds, is it still financially feasible?? Would her mother prefer the money spent on something better??

My grandfather died suddenly, and with pretty much no savings. A funeral was scraped by with the help of my aunt. My mother was never in a financial responsible state, and my uncle only shows up when it's convenient for himself. So I think they got by with just 5 grand. They had the viewing the night before, with the ceremony held at the funeral parlor. Afterwards, the body was cremated, and we went out to the everglades with it. The church pastor came along and also did like a private ceremony, followed by a picnic lunch out there.

After all was said and done, my aunt made my grandmother sit down and spell out everything she wanted. Along with that, pulled an insurance policy large enough to cover the costs of the funeral. If there isn't enough money to cover it, then it won't happen. But my aunt will live knowing she did every thing possible, and took the best care she could of Ma.


I think you need to sit down with your mother, plan a will if she hasn't already. And discuss from a financial standpoint of what she wants vs what can be afforded. As well, tell her what you would prefer to do. Open up different options, some one recently made a topic about spreading their parent's ashes over the coral reefs. Tell her what you are comfortable with, and if there's any one else in the family that would be willing to carry out the extra wishes you can not do.

You're already having guilt about not wanting to do it. You'll feel even worse if you go against it. So to make yourself feel better about the whole idea is talk about it. At least you will know you tried to talk to her about it.

 

[Abbie]

However, I would understand if they felt that they couldn't handle be involved, and wanted to grieve say good-bye in their own way and not attend the services if it were too much for them. I don't understand why the feelings and last wishes of someone should be tossed aside

But OP is an only child. She doesn't say if there is other family, but what if there isn't? When I go to a funeral, I go out of respect for the deceased but more importantly, for the family left behind. What if she decides she really can't handle this and just doesn't attend as some have suggested? Who are the mourners going to see and support? How strange would that be to show up to a visitation and there is no one to express your sympathies to...what would be the point?

I'm not suggesting the mom's feelings and last wishes should be "tossed aside" but I still think an honest conversation about them can be respectful. Maybe she will won't want to change a thing and that's certainly her right. And then I agree DD should respect her wishes and find a way to carry them out, despite the difficulty it will cause her. I just think it's possible to talk about these things, but I'm only going by the way things work in my family. But I can see how other families might not be willing to talk about this kind of stuff.

 

[luvmy3]

But OP is an only child. She doesn't say if there is other family, but what if there isn't? When I go to a funeral, I go out of respect for the deceased but more importantly, for the family left behind. What if she decides she really can't handle this and just doesn't attend as some have suggested? Who are the mourners going to see and support? How strange would that be to show up to a visitation and there is no one to express your sympathies to...what would be the point?

I'm not suggesting the mom's feelings and last wishes should be "tossed aside" but I still think an honest conversation about them can be respectful. Maybe she will won't want to change a thing and that's certainly her right. And then I agree DD should respect her wishes and find a way to carry them out, despite the difficulty it will cause her. I just think it's possible to talk about these things, but I'm only going by the way things work in my family. But I can see how other families might not be willing to talk about this kind of stuff.

I can't comment since I don't know anything about the OP's family and honestly even of there was no-one left to "support" it still wouldn't change my opinion about carrying out someone's last wishes. We will just have to disagree about the conversation, of course the OP can talk to her mom about her concerns and feelings, but if she is doing that with the goal of making her mom change her plans by making her feel guilty because the ones left behind couldn't handle the plan, there is no way I would consider that respectful.

(OP, I'm just using you as an example because of your post, I'm not implying in anyway that you are disrespectful to your mom, I'm speaking in general, please don't take this personal).

 

[mjkacmom]

But OP is an only child. She doesn't say if there is other family, but what if there isn't? When I go to a funeral, I go out of respect for the deceased but more importantly, for the family left behind. .

Just because the OP is an only child doesn't mean she is the only one grieving. Since her mom wants a 2 day wake, I'm guessing she has other family members and friends. If my mom died, and my sister and I decided not to have a wake, funeral, and repast, the rest of the family would be shocked. We are so used to tradition, that closure would be harder if we didn't follow the norm. When someone dies, usually there are many people it affects.

 

[NMAmy]

But OP is an only child. She doesn't say if there is other family, but what if there isn't? When I go to a funeral, I go out of respect for the deceased but more importantly, for the family left behind. What if she decides she really can't handle this and just doesn't attend as some have suggested? Who are the mourners going to see and support? How strange would that be to show up to a visitation and there is no one to express your sympathies to...what would be the point?

That doesn't make any sense to me. I've been to funerals where the deceased had no family members. Should they just not have had a funeral since there were no close family members for mourners to express sympathy to?

 

[Nancyg56]

I have to disagree with the bolded, asking someone to compromise their last wishes because of you is not respecting them. As a mom, I can say that I expect my children to follow my wishes, especially if I had them planned out and paid for in advance. However, I would understand if they felt that they couldn't handle be involved, and wanted to grieve say good-bye in their own way and not attend the services if it were too much for them. I don't understand why the feelings and last wishes of someone should be tossed aside because they'll be dead anyway, just doesn't seem right to me. And while you may not care because you'll be dead, there are people who don't feel that way and they way they go out of this world is important to them, how could a child not consider that for their parent

I have adult children and if I knew that one of my final wishes was going to distress one of them I would rethink that position. I am not talking about a Mass which as a Catholic is something I would expect them to honor. I understand that there are somethings that I would need to compromise but I would never want any one of them trying to carry out wishes that hurt them. WHen my own Mom passed I knew what she wanted and as a family, we honored as much as we could. We knew what she felt strongly about but if there had been a aspect of her final wishes that we were not going to be able to manage I would have discussed that with her. I expect that my own children would do the ame with me.

Just because the OP is an only child doesn't mean she is the only one grieving. Since her mom wants a 2 day wake, I'm guessing she has other family members and friends. If my mom died, and my sister and I decided not to have a wake, funeral, and repast, the rest of the family would be shocked. We are so used to tradition, that closure would be harder if we didn't follow the norm. When someone dies, usually there are many people it affects.

Years ago my DH lost his aunt. She had lived in FL for years so there were not that many folks here that she remained close to. Her DD planned what had been traditional for her family and we sat thrugh the most painful two day wake followed by the morning visitation and funeral services. We all did it because we loved his aunt and his cousin but my goodness! It was awful! In many cases compromise is essential.

My opinion is that the OP (and anyone else) really has no business trying to get someone to compromise or change their final wishes.

I understand your point but I would think that if someone has asked that person to carry out those wishes it is important to consider their feelings. If my Mom had asked me to do something that I really felt I could not do I would expect that she at least knew how hard it would be for me. In most casesit is a family member who is carrying out those final wishes and I feel that while it is important to try it is also important to know if you are asking your loved one to endure more pain. If you then choose to move forward with those plans you should be prepared to know that a stranger may be taking care of those requests and not your family member.

 

[luvmy3]

That doesn't make any sense to me. I've been to funerals where the deceased had no family members. Should they just not have had a funeral since there were no close family members for mourners to express sympathy to?

Also, some people go to the service to say their last good-byes and pay their respect to the deceased.

 

[luvmy3]

I have adult children and if I knew that one of my final wishes was going to distress one of them I would rethink that position. I am not talking about a Mass which as a Catholic is something I would expect them to honor. I understand that there are somethings that I would need to compromise but I would never want any one of them trying to carry out wishes that hurt them. WHen my own Mom passed I knew what she wanted and as a family, we honored as much as we could. We knew what she felt strongly about but if there had been a aspect of her final wishes that we were not going to be able to manage I would have discussed that with her. I expect that my own children would do the ame with me.




Years ago my DH lost his aunt. She had lived in FL for years so there were not that many folks here that she remained close to. Her DD planned what had been traditional for her family and we sat thrugh the most painful two day wake followed by the morning visitation and funeral services. We all did it because we loved his aunt and his cousin but my goodness! It was awful! In many cases compromise is essential.



I understand your point but I would think that if someone has asked that person to carry out those wishes it is important to consider their feelings. If my Mom had asked me to do something that I really felt I could not do I would expect that she at least knew how hard it would be for me. In most casesit is a family member who is carrying out those final wishes and I feel that while it is important to try it is also important to know if you are asking your loved one to endure more pain. If you then choose to move forward with those plans you should be prepared to know that a stranger may be taking care of those requests and not your family member.

I understand everything you are saying but in mine (and dh's) family final wishes have always been respected no matter how hard it is for those left behind. Its just how it is so its hard for me to understand it being done any other way, but I do realize it is. IMO it is wrong, I could never make someone change their plans for me, but its just an opinion and I know not everyone feels that way. The OP needs to figure out what she feels, and then she will know whats right or wrong for her.

 

[HOGFAN]

do what your mom wants...how would you feel if your final wishes were not honored?

 

[golfgal]

I am surprised how many haven't heard of 2 or 3 day wakes. It take a good day to get it out in a newspaper, if you only had one day people would miss it or not be able to arrange to get there or off work.

My first husband died and I did not do all his wishes and to this day it really bothers me. I did what I thought I needed. So I would say do what she wishes or at least discuss with her your concerns.

This must be more of a regional thing, I have NEVER heard of a 3 day wake. Around here you usually have the wake/viewing for a few hours in the evening and the funeral service the next morning. Sometimes there will be a viewing an hour before the service at the church but typically not many people go to that. When my mom died we had the wake at the funeral home from 4-8 and the funeral Mass at 10:30 the next morning. She was cremated so we didn't go to the cemetery, just had a lunch after the Mass.

If the OP's mom prepaid her funeral there isn't much you can do about changing things. I would try to respect the wishes as much as possible but sometimes you just can't. My mom wanted some things we were not able to do because we just couldn't afford to. I don't feel guilty at all. If she had paid for it beforehand, we would have done them though.

 

[bookgirl]

I really would like as many opinions on this as possible. It's something I've thought about for quite some time. My Dad passed away almost 3 years ago. I have never agreed with long, drawn out funeral traditions but my Mom wanted the regular 3-day visitation, big funeral, lunch after, etc. I got through it all, but just barely. I tried to be strong and helpful to her. Kept my feelings to myself, she didn't need that added stress. She kept asking me to go up to the casket to look at my Dad, and at first I would not. I didn't want to. I didn't want to remember him that way. Eventually I did look, for her, but wish I wouldn't have. I didn't need to do that for my closure.

She knows how I feel now, about funerals in general. But, she still wants the long, drawn out 3-day visitation, big funeral and lunch after she passes on. Right now she is in good health (she's 73) so I don't say anything about it, but I honestly do not think I could get through it.

Shouldn't the funeral be for the family left behind? Shouldn't they get to make the decisions, as to what they can handle and what they can't?

I would prefer to have a quiet family memorial/celebration of her life, small, private, and not with an open casket.

My dilema is do I talk to her about it now? While she is in good health? Or do I just wait until she passes and make the changes then?

I can't imagine trying to dictate to my children what kind of funeral I want. I will be dead. I won't know. It should be what they want, not what I want.

Am I selfish and wrong to feel this way about my mother's funeral? I hope and pray it doesn't happen for many years, but you just never know. I just don't know if I should discuss my feelings with her, and see what she says, or just keep my mouth shut, let her think she'll get the funeral she wants while knowing myself that I just wouldn't be able to do that.

Have any of you made changes to your parents' funeral wishes? How did you handle it? Or did you suck it up and do it because it's what they wanted?

I really would like to hear everyone's opinions, thank you.

Have you mom pre arrange her funeral and then you don't have too. If she does not make prior arrangments then I guess you could tell her you'd have a larger funeral and then do whatever you wanted, but I'd be honest and ask her to make her arrangements before hand and then just stay away and let the home handle everything and you just show up for the part you can handle. Luckily my mom and I are in complete agreement over funeral or lack of funeral arrangements. Well except for one thing.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Sorry I didn't read through all of the posts so someone might have mentioned this, but is it possible that your mother has already made all the funeral arrangements. Based on what you both experienced with your dad and knowing how tough everything is your mom might have already arranged for what she wants. I have known several families where the parents have gone ahead and made their arrangements and paid for them so the family left behind won't have to deal with it. Also she could have put it in her will.

Good luck with everything. Funerals are hard, but it's nice to celebrate someones life-- if you can look at it that way.

 

[NAB]

Sorry I didn't read through all of the posts so someone might have mentioned this, but is it possible that your mother has already made all the funeral arrangements. Based on what you both experienced with your dad and knowing how tough everything is your mom might have already arranged for what she wants. I have known several families where the parents have gone ahead and made their arrangements and paid for them so the family left behind won't have to deal with it. Also she could have put it in her will.

Good luck with everything. Funerals are hard, but it's nice to celebrate someones life-- if you can look at it that way.

Yes her mom has made all the arrangements and paid for it. She insists on a 2 day visitation but OP doesnt' think she can handle it.

Must be regional because all the funerals I go to are this long.

You think that is bad ,my first husbands was almost a week because my mil was in Florida when it happened and the siblings didn't want to tell her by phone so they flew down to tell her and had to get back. That was bad....really bad and long.