Personality issues..

[C.Ann]

Do you know people who absolutely refuse to admit they are ever wrong about anything - and/or never, ever apologize when they have said or done something wrong? Is there a "name" for that type of personality?

What makes a person afraid to admit they are wrong? Do they think it will make them look stupid? Is it an ego thing?

And why do people have such a hard time apologizing when they have said or done something wrong? Is it that they feel "above" the need for apologizing? Is it fear?

It really confuses me to no end..

Is it really that difficult for people to say, "I was wrong about that" - or - "I'm sorry"..???

I was thinking about this last night - and then earlier I read a thread about people no longer saying "please" or "thank you".. That's what got me to thinking about this topic again..

Or - is it nothing more than the direction our society seems to be taking?

 

[monkeybug]

Do you know people who absolutely refuse to admit they are ever wrong about anything - and/or never, ever apologize when they have said or done something wrong? Is there a "name" for that type of personality?

What makes a person afraid to admit they are wrong? Do they think it will make them look stupid? Is it an ego thing?

And why do people have such a hard time apologizing when they have said or done something wrong? Is it that they feel "above" the need for apologizing? Is it fear?

It really confuses me to no end..

Is it really that difficult for people to say, "I was wrong about that" - or - "I'm sorry"..???

I was thinking about this last night - and then earlier I read a thread about people no longer saying "please" or "thank you".. That's what got me to thinking about this topic again..

Or - is it nothing more than the direction our society seems to be taking?

I hate to admit I'm wrong! Hate it! I do it...but it's like swallowing shards of glass for me. Painful!
I can't speak for anyone else, but I know for me it's a pride thing. Foolish pride thing! I come from a family with a lot of pride issues ( I would say that of my family members I'm the least prideful, and that's just sad!) and I think part of it for me was that my parents and grandparents NEVER admitted wrong EVER. My grandma still won't speak to her daughter (who was like her best friend) because she refuses to apologize (it's been 5 years) It's ridiculous!!! I try very hard to admit to my children that I was wrong or made a mistake, because I don't ever want their pride to get in the way of their relationships, but I would be a liar if I said it was easy for me!!!
I also think it's because I am the kind of person that likes to know as much as I can about as much as I can (know it all ) I always feel a little embarrassed when I fall short.
I say please and thank you a lot though... probably too much, and I'm sorry! I say that so much I have friends that would like to ban it from my vocab.!

 

[C.Ann]

I hate to admit I'm wrong! Hate it! I do it...but it's like swallowing shards of glass for me. Painful!
I can't speak for anyone else, but I know for me it's a pride thing. Foolish pride thing! I come from a family with a lot of pride issues ( I would say that of my family members I'm the least prideful, and that's just sad!) and I think part of it for me was that my parents and grandparents NEVER admitted wrong EVER. My grandma still won't speak to her daughter (who was like her best friend) because she refuses to apologize (it's been 5 years) It's ridiculous!!! I try very hard to admit to my children that I was wrong or made a mistake, because I don't ever want their pride to get in the way of their relationships, but I would be a liar if I said it was easy for me!!!
I also think it's because I am the kind of person that likes to know as much as I can about as much as I can (know it all ) I always feel a little embarrassed when I fall short.
I say please and thank you a lot though... probably too much, and I'm sorry! I say that so much I have friends that would like to ban it from my vocab.!

Hmmm.. "Pride".. Never thought of that one..

Thanks for being honest with your answer!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey CAnn,

There was a thread not to awfully long ago about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I immediately looked into this, as I had always believed my husband's parents were very narcissistic. They definitely see themselves as 'gods'.

Not being able to admit to anything less than perfection, and always being right, are clear signs of this.

I understand that children of narcissist can often be 'closet' narcissist.
My husband is one!!!!!
I don't think I have ever heard him say "I am sorry".
( Me, I could say "I'm Sorry" or admit that I am wrong ten times a day!!!)

Maybe this would be a factor in those people you are referring to????

 

[Wishing on a star]

Or - is it nothing more than the direction our society seems to be taking?

Okay, I know this will sound, like, completely crazy...
But, this has often come to my mind.

In the 'end times' men will become lovers of one-selves (pride, self importance, etc.....)... the culmination of the original sin, eating of the tree of knowledge, thinking as they are 'gods'.

Things that make you go, "Hhhhhmmmmm?????"

 

[NHdisneylover]

My DD12 is a lot like that. She is a perfectionist and her own toughest critic. We have worked with her steadily since she was 4 years old (and we realized how crippling perfectionism in the extreme can be) to help her deal with not always being best/right/first/good. It is a major uphill battle. She can loose a game with grace now (I swear SHE used to think she was not a good enough person if she lost a simple game--she was not mad at the winners but at herself for not living up to some insane expectation she has of herself) and handles new things which do not come easily, when they are indeed NEW things AND they are things SHE expects to have trouble with. This is a huge improvement over the kid who would never try anything unless and until she felt she could do it "right" the first time (starting with--though we did not realize it then walking at 8 months but never crawling, nad speaking pretty much from teh get go in sentences and without babytalk).

She still almost completely looses it if she has trouble understanding or learning something she feels she "should" be able to understand. For example, she is generally quite good in math. Often she picks up a new concept before you can finish explaining it. Once in a while it takese her 5-10 minutes and a repeated explanation to learn a new mathematical concept. SHE thinks she should always get math right away so she will be in tears by the time it has taken 1 minute. This is pretty miserable for her, her teachers, me etc. and wreaks havoc on a 12 year old's social life. Even with constant work and her knowledge of needing to work on it because it will make life easier/better for her this is still as far as we have gotten thus far. I really feel for her--it has to be incrediably difficult to try to live up to such high expectations as a child--even if (or maybe especially because) they are self imposed.

Admitting she is wrong seems to go right along with all of this. If she is worng about something then she clearly isn't perfect and that is not okay with HER. It is not so much that she cares that other people see she is wrong, it is that she cannot admit to HERSELF that she is wrong. It seems like being wrong about something (no matter how totally trivial) really damages her own self image--so she keeps insisting she is right to convinvce herself of that fact. It is annoying and like pulling teeth to force and apology out of her (which we do) but I know she does not do it to be mean or stuck up which makes it a little easier to cope with.

When she is not "messing up" she is the kindest and sweetest girl and the hardest worker you are likely to find in any given group. She volunteered years teaching Daisy girl scouts and preschool karate as an aide (she only quit because we moved). She always helps people with their school work when asked (and without doing it form them--she really is a good teacher)--right now she is teaching the beginner English speakers in her class at the request of her teacher (she attends an inernational German school here in Germany) because he has too many levels to deal with while the second English teacher is out very critically ill. She works extremly well with autistic chidlren and her name was once only the 28th word ever spoken by and 8 year old autistic friend of hers. She takes care of her little brother better than I do at times She will always stop to help someone in need nad hse worries about all the world's problems (too often at times). She can just see the world from just about anyone's point of view and turn it around and know how to help them or befriend them in the best way. She just can't seem to do the same for herself and it breaks my heart to watch her try so hard.

I have no idea how many adults who do not admit they are wrong may be comming from this type of perspective. I do know living with, and raising someone who tries so hard to change and just can't has given me more patience with everyone else's quirks.

 

[tomthebarncat]

we have a saying about him in our family " Bob, you always gotta be right even when you are wrong!". I also married a man very similiar to my Dad, in that respect, but he has alot of other issues too!!! mainly, that he refers to his childhood as growing up in a forced labor camp. He comes from a very large commercial farm and evidently they had 5 kids to basically be free labor, so he is hatin life!! he is really gonna start hatin life cuz I am filing for divorce this afternoon. I have a hard time dealing with folks who cannot stand up and be accountable, it is shameful and I often wonder who raises these people!

 

[cjb71870]

Wow... I don't know what to say after that comment! But, I agree with you about people who don't acknowledge when they are wrong or made a mistake!! They constantly blame someone else for everything.....

 

[PaulaSB12]

Okay, I know this will sound, like, completely crazy...
But, this has often come to my mind.

In the 'end times' men will become lovers of one-selves (pride, self importance, etc.....)... the culmination of the original sin, eating of the tree of knowledge, thinking as they are 'gods'.

Things that make you go, "Hhhhhmmmmm?????"

I don't think people have changed that much over time, look at the past and you will see that people where the same then as now. As for god all that fuss over a bit of scrumping?

 

[EdiePA]

It's a narcissist and in my family we call her "Mom". Truly, the world revolves around her and what she wants. At the age of 50, I finally had to move away from my hometown to be further from her toxicity.

The closest she has ever come to saying, "I'm sorry" was a "I'm sorry you're so upset." Not I'm sorry about what I did, but I'm sorry that you can't handle YOUR feelings.

The emotional and physical abuse that she inflicted on us as children will never be addressed. She was doing her best and WE drove her to it.

Edie

 

[ticktock]

I don't think people have changed that much over time, look at the past and you will see that people where the same then as now. As for god all that fuss over a bit of scrumping?

What's scrumping?

 

[PatsGirl]

I'm not sure which is worse, people who can't say "I'm sorry" or people who say it all the time. My SIL apologizes if she feels the slightest hint of disagreement from me (or anyone else) and I have other friends that do it as well. Hello people, get a backbone and stand up for yourselves and your opinions

I guess it's a fine line...I wasn't much for apologizing in my younger years but after growing up with a parent who was always right and was never able to show his feelings, I swore I'd tell my kids I loved them every night and apologize to them when I'm wrong ~ not that it happens very often, but you know, on the rare occasion

 

[diznygirl]

It could be cultural - my MIL will never admit she was wrong or say she is sorry. Turns out for her it is cultural - doing so would "lose face." It helps me understand her a lot more knowing that.

 

[MushyMushy]

Although he's not narcissistic in the least, my husband is like that. He is absolutely wonderful in so many ways, but in this one area, he's off the charts! He can't feel like he's being blamed for anything (no matter how justified or not, or even when nobody's actually blaming him for something). He gets extremely angry or frustrated and will turn it around on the person he feels is blaming him. People are not allowed to get angry with him because he turns it right back to them. Obviously it's worse with me because I'm with him more than anybody else is. Sorry didn't used to be in his vocabulary ever, but now he's trying with it.

Thankfully he's really working on this issue, but I know it's going to be a long time in getting it worked out.

It's really hard for me to understand where he's coming from. Of course I don't like being wrong -- hate it, in fact. But I can own up to it and apologize for it. I just don't get why it's so hard for him (and others).

 

[taximomfor4]

going to expose myself a bit here, for the sake of honesty.

For me, low self esteem has always been a terrible burden. Or is it an overabundance of self-consciousness? WHEN I bothered to put myself out there, it was horrifying to feel that I was wrong to do so. I don't know how to word it.

I guess I'll just say that when I bothered to argue a point, it's because I was really, really sure...I had to be so that I didn't feel as horrified in speaking up. Now, I've been working on "coming out of my shell" for almost 20 yrs now. I speak up, and am wrong sometimes. I still feel horrified, but am able to say oops.

ANother situation type: If I misstep and put my foot in my mouth, I want to crawl into a hole...but I am getting better and better at not apologizing and escaping. I can apologize and stick around, now.

 

[PaulaSB12]

What's scrumping?

To steal fruit, especially apples, from a garden or orchard.

 

[suejai]

I am the kind of person that likes to know as much as I can about as much as I can (know it all ) I always feel a little embarrassed when I fall short.

This is me as well.

I dislike intensely being wrong and hate being made to feel that I'm stupid. Having said that, I rarely express anything forcefully unless I am sure that I'm right. But on the rare occasion that I am wrong I have no real problem admitting it, on the premise that I would rather have the correct information. Both DH and I make it a point to apologise to the kids if we have over reacted or mis-spoken.

But to answer the OP's question yes I do know people like that. DH's ex is that way and, unfortunately, so is DSS. He lived with us for about 4 years and I hoped he would learn from our example but he didn't. I know he is afraid of being made to look foolish and likely thinks that apologising does that. I hope he outgrows this way of thinking.

 

[missypie]

My husband will never admit he is wrong and will never ever say he is sorry, no matter what he does. On numerous occasions he's thown away things I was saving and never even the most casual "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you wanted that." If he bumps into me or steps on my foot, never an "oh, sorry." He learned it from the master - his dad is exactly the same way. My FIL is so "always right" that at our wedding reception (before I arrived), he moved the flowers away from where I wanted them to where he wanted them. I only met my FIL's father a couple of times before he passed away, but I wonder if he was like that, too.

Edited to add: My husband has two brothers and one sister. The sister is ALWAYS sorry. She says "I"m sorry" so often that it drives you crazy. A psychologist would have fun with that one!

 

[Lionqueen2]

Yup, I've got a couple of relatives like that, too. No matter what they do, there is never an 'I'm sorry'. They just continue on as if they've done nothing wrong. They just don't think that anything they say or do could be offensive, but they do feel differently if the tables are turned and they are the offended party.

 

[C.Ann]

In admitting that one is "wrong", I have noticed that a few responses here have mentioned the word "blame" - which isn't really the kind of thing I'm talking about..

As an example, if I am responding to a thread here on the DIS and I'm not 100% certain that the information I am giving is accurate or correct, at times I will add - "please feel free to correct me if I am wrong" - because to me, that is an excellent way of learning.. If people never admit that they are "wrong" about anything, how are they to learn new things - or obtain accurate information? I would guess that the inability to admit that one is wrong probably stems from self-esteem issues.. Either low self-esteem or too much self-esteem (as in a major "ego")..

Then there's the "middle of the road" type.. Rather than admit that they are wrong, they always have to add a "but" when it becomes apparent that they were in fact wrong - in a desperate attempt to make their statement carry some sort of validity.. Why?

Saying "I was wrong" or "I'm sorry" is actually so very beneficial to the person who is saying it, I can't imagine why some people will do anything and everything to avoid it..

Of course none of this is really important in the grand scheme of things.. LOL


Just something I happened to be thinking about the other night and was wondering how other people view this type of behavior.. (Was also a very slow night on the DIS..)